twenty | stubborn

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i won't bore you with the ins and outs of the entire date, and to be perfectly honest, i'm worried i don't remember all of it. i don't want to forget anything, but there's no way to prove a single thing i recall. it's all hopeful and varies from day to day.

i know we went to the theatre to see a film. it might've been the third or fourth time i'd ever been in my life, so i really liked it. he adored my enthusiasm at the time since i couldn't hide it no matter how embarrassed by it i was, and we shared snacks. the whole 'fingers touching in popcorn' applied to us, but we did it on purpose to be stupid, completely ironically.

by the time we were back on the rickety bus heading back home, i was pretty damn tired. we were both kept alive by the glowing, almost celestial stars over our heads and the jolty movements of the vehicle. i remember our heads pressed together as we rested, and moments like this made life worth living. being alone with him was the most magical thing ever, but i hadn't known then that he had a third and final stage to our date. one i had been the most insistent on.

before i could process what was happening, he was getting up from beside me and wandering down the aisle of the top deck to reach the steep steps. i think i must've blinked at him in confusion or something, for he merely waved me over with a small smile. i followed him down, obviously, and he asked the driver stop the bus a couple of kilometres from our real destination.

"hyuck, what are you doing?" i had asked, and he didn't respond; only grabbed my hand and pulled me off the contraption and led me down the dusty side road. it wasn't all that familiar to me at first, and i had assumed it was because of the darkness. but i soon learned we had been through this small thicket of grass before, and it was the night vibes that rekindled my memories. 

blades of green tickled my bare calves, and eventually we emerged from the passage into the rock pool's clearing. it was the same as last time, but on this occasion... we were different. we were together now, and i wouldn't have been so horrified had he touched me.

"the cicadas are dying out..." donghyuck had muttered softly, letting go of my hand and stretching his arms up for a yawn. "a new season already, huh?"

"don't sound so old. we aren't even adults yet."

"i feel like one sometimes, and other days i just laugh at my own childishness." i had to agree with him on that, and i relate to it now more than ever.

"hyuck..." i'd whispered and hugged my bare arms loosely, "why'd you bring me here?"

"for the shits and giggles. old time's sake—"

"be serious."

his hazel orbs reflected the moon and myself when he looked at me, and again i had melted under his non-existent power. he started to peel his clothes off...slowly. stripping each layer with caution and exposing to me his tiny little figure that i adored so much. i know i was staring back then, because he held that eye contact without hesitation until he was naked...and beautifully so.

"coming?" he asked, walking out towards the water and sliding in gracefully. i panicked once i realised i'd been spacing out, and i can recall the feeling of my heart hammering against my chest as i dropped my own clothes to the sandy ground and edged out onto the stony floor of the pool.

donghyuck had already been ribs-deep in the water by the time i reached him, and he pulled me in by the hips once our toes were the only part of us touching the bottom.

"i can't swim well," i'd confessed quietly, and all he did was giggle harmoniously as if i'd told a mildly humorous joke.

"you won't be swimming, so i wouldn't worry." i never even managed to ask him what he'd meant before i was guided by firm hands on my waist towards a large boulder to the southwest of the body of water. he pushed me up against it and hovered around me like a protective force.

his arms had me caged to the stone, but i didn't mind. in fact, i'd loved it more than anything. it was like i knew what was coming, but also didn't believe it. like winning tickets to a concert or something...the initial uncertainty that you weren't dreaming. even when his lips sucked along my bare collarbones and his leg pressed in between mine beneath the water's surface, i was dazed and absentminded.

"you still up for this?" he asked softly like i would break without the carefulness.

"s-sex?"

"mhm."

if i was being completely honest then and there, i was a mixture of ready and terrified. as much as i'd been throwing myself at him the past couple of weeks, i never actually took into account it happening. i wanted the intimacy with him and the touch, but i had no real idea if my emotions and body were ready. my hormonal feelings spoke for me though, because they knew the whole concept of 'now or never'.

"i'm okay. show me how to do it," i think i uttered. what can i say? i was a virgin without real internet for education. his cute little smile appeared then, probably because i was a big dumbass. but it reassured me right before one of the biggest moments of my life, and i was grateful that we had the relationship we did, or else i would've been way more insecure.

"all you have to do is trust me, okay?" one of his wet hands pushed one of my legs back towards the rock, and the water lapping between and around us was soothing more than anything. neither of us new the rules for sex between men, but we were either about to figure them out or make our own.

"is it going to hurt?" i'd asked, more-so for my own peace than for second thoughts. he didn't know though, and simply leaned in for a kiss...like he was apologising for his own lack of knowledge. i didn't blame him at all - how could i have? we were in this together, and that's exactly what i told myself throughout the entire ordeal; when he pushed his finger inside me and used water instead of vaseline or something to stretch me. when i thought i'd die if i had to take a second more of it. aqua reaching places within my ass i had never invited it to was strange — scary. hyuck kept asking me if i wanted it to stop, but i refused. i wanted to go through with this completely wholeheartedly even if it wasn't what i thought it would be. i was stupid, impulsive, and so helplessly in love.

"you're doing so well," he'd whisper in my ear, putting up with my whining and squirming. but it all settled after a while, and that pain i can remember from my first time - that i've only since felt once more - subsided like a storm. his fingers didn't feel like intrusive soldiers trying to rip me apart, but somewhat pleasant visitors setting the table for the main event.

he was making out with me desperately, stealing my breath and my moans as he attempted to scissor and fuck me with those fingers. i remember thinking 'if sex will feel like this, then maybe it won't be so bad'. but i was wrong and naïve to think that — to imagine that his fingers could amount to anything larger.

the moment he pushed inside me was the moment i thought my life flashed before my eyes. the sheer pain of what felt like being torn in half under water was like a torpedo to my spine. his hands on my hips and mouth whispering weak apologies against my cheek weren't enough to calm me. i was crying, begging, sobbing. i wanted it to stop, but i wanted him to push me further. i was too damn stubborn to give up on this even when we had no prior warnings or advice.

"renjun please..." he was whimpering too, cradling my cheek in his palm while his other hand kept my thigh up, "you're in pain. i don't know what to do. i really don't want t—"

"i'm okay," i begged.

"no you're not. you're so very clearly not. i have no experience, what if something bad happens?"

"like what?" i had insisted like the brat i was. my precious boy didn't deserve the crap i gave him each day, but he tolerated me so well. i recall stifling my cries and sniffling back my tears just to put on a brave face for him. "it will get easier...i know it will. it has to."

"and if it doesn't?"

"then at least i can say i had sex with you even once. i love you more than i hate this pain, so let me take it."

well, he did follow my wishes that night. he kept it up for me, took it slow initially and never once looked away from my expressions for a second. he would kiss me every time my brows furrowed, and repeat the angle of his thrust if i showed signs of pleasure. he was the best boyfriend in the world in that moment, and i didn't want anyone else ever. he was it for me.

by about five minutes in i was a moaning, nonsensical mess. he did eventually learn the magic of the prostate (which we had to look up in a book later because we weren't sure what was making me feel good) and from that fateful encounter inside me, the pros outweighed the cons. the way in which he'd been making love to me with slow but deep movements morphed into full-blown fucking. i think we chased orgasms about two or three times that night — once there in the water, once on the beach in missionary and again against a rock from behind. you could say sex awakened some sort of demon inside me, because it was definitely my fault we used to do it as much as we did. he was far more relaxed and innocent than i was.

i could've fallen asleep under the stars then, with him wrapped around me and sand glued to us with water and cum. it sounds gross and you're probably wishing for this memory to end soon, but these are the times i remember the best for some reason.

call it 'passion'.

call it 'sin'.

regardless, i call it 'love'.

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