twelve | where it hurts

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as much as i hated to see it, summer was starting to whittle away slowly. school really would return soon, and i wasn't ready for that headache. it was still extremely hot though, and that didn't really change until september or so. anyway, mum was jumping on xiuying and i to go stationary shopping, which i liked as a kid but lately grew disinterested in. i tended to keep the same pens and notebooks if i didn't have to change them, and my school bag was the same one i'd had since i was six. my darling little sister, however, demanded fresh crap every single year.

"take your sister into town," mum had said and pushed a few too many folded notes into my hand. i didn't want to, and honestly this was going to be my final year...i didn't need new stuff. but she was insistent that i try my best to change my awkward attitude, and new belongings always motivated a new way of life, or something. in the end, i sort of had to agree.

that was how i ended up on the rickety old bus taking us into the larger section of our countryside town. it wasn't awful, but it was so behind in comparison to seoul or wherever else. i remember thinking about donghyuck again, and how he moved from the city. he must've missed it, even a little.

xiuying was playing music through headphones for us, using an old ipod classic from two thousand and one, i think. dad had given it to mum that year for her birthday, and it had been the latest tech...which they never really indulged in. since then, we all sort of used it if we wanted to. after all, it didn't need wifi and most of the songs downloaded on it were from the nineteen eighties. i was pressed against the bus window, slightly nodding my head along to the tunes i'd become so familiar with, and my sister was probably staring off into space with her bud in as well.

"renjun..." she'd mumbled, and knowing myself i probably cringed. she only ever used my name if she was serious or ready to yell at me.

"mhm?"

"where have you been going lately? with that boy..."

"why's it matter?"

"it just does. i'm curious."

she was a bit of a diva sometimes, but i loved her dearly. today, in the present, she's my best friend. we're twenty-one and eighteen now, so we're mature enough and wise enough to accept each other as human beings, not ugly demons we had to deal with. and she's one of the only people i can rant about my love issues to, for she was a modern girl in an old world. she didn't care that i had a thing for men.

but back then, she probably never even considered it. she shared her clothes with me and bitched to me about mum sometimes as i was her brother, not noticing a slight femininity i tried to hide but failed at. once she even told me i had a prettier face than her during one of her meltdowns, but that was just a compliment we shared. it didn't particularly point to any underlying meaning like 'you're prettier than most boys'.

"i haven't been dealing drugs if that's what you're getting at," i finally responded before titling my head to look at her. she had these gorgeous, chestnut eyes that were as big as a doe's and held galaxies worth of sparkles in them, and they affected me when i was trying to be strong.

"that's not what i was implying," she sighed in the end and played with one of her plaits. "that boy from across the road, donghyuck..."

"what about him?"

"he's pretty. like you."

"yeah? i didn't notice."

"i've only ever seen two guys like that in my life, and you're both the only ones. why aren't you boyish like the dudes in my class?"

"um..." how the fuck was i supposed to answer that? i didn't know. i was born, i grew up, and i ended up this way. i didn't consciously try to make myself pretty in the mirror, nor did it bother me that most boys my age had bigger clothing or drew pictures of dicks on things they didn't care about. but donghyuck was just like me, and somehow fitted in better.

"mum and dad say you're different sometimes," she accidentally blurted out, and i remember freezing up as she blushed furiously and regretted her decision to say that. in the end, she followed through with it...because she had already started building that bridge. "u-uh, they just tend to shake their heads and complain about your style and stuff."

"really? did they tell you something?"

she hesitated.

"xiuying," i ended up begging and pulling the music from my ear now that my whole life felt like it was about to collapse. i was being dramatic again, but this was an important topic. "please just say i—"

"they asked me if you talked about boys m-much," she mumbled, now replaiting her hair to compensate for her stress. poor thing was probably so confused. she couldn't have known better. "i said no, because you don't. you don't really talk about anything, renjun."

i breathed a sigh of relief at her answer, because at least she hadn't given them more reasons to doubt my sexual orientation. i just needed a bit more time, i remember feeling. i wanted to be with him...just a little bit longer. "i'm sorry they asked you those things. thanks for telling me."

"jun, what were they getting at? come on, i'm fourteen. i can handle a bit of strange news."

"it's really nothing. they're wrong." no, i'm such a liar.

"what were they—"

"do you know what a gay person is?"

"what? yeah, i do."

"cool. i was just wondering." i shut up about it then and reinserted the headphone into my ear. now that i was staring back out the dusty, muddy window, i could vaguely see her confused expression as she tied the band around the end of her hair. i didn't want to spell it out for her, but i didn't want to leave her in the dark either. she seemed to be working it out on her own, and my question had to have led her somewhere.

when we finally arrived home with shopping bags weighing our arms down, it was quarter past five. dad and the other men were, as usual, sitting out on the front porches with cans of beer in hand, chatting. i subtly brought my attention to the lee family's porch across from ours, but it seemed hyuck's father wasn't the type to join them. it was all but empty.

"how'd it go," dad enquired as we edged up the steps towards the front door. "buy anything good?"

"we picked up the usual new notebooks and pens," xiuying smiled happily. she then proceeded to show him her new, pink stationary while i sighed and opened the door myself.

"renjun," he uttered quickly before i could disappear inside. my gut definitely twisted with anxiety after that conversation i'd had earlier, and i stuffily twisted around to face him.

"what's wrong, daddy?"

"are you heading out tonight?"

"m'not sure. don't think so."

"oh, okay. what did you get?"

i wasn't sure if this was his way of trying to keep our relationship as strong as it had always been, or fishing for information...but i tried to be as discrete with my answers as possible. i didn't want to be 'too gay' or whatever it was people seemed to look for. he and i had always been close; even closer than mum and i...so i was scared of disappointing him. "just essentials. i'll be a senior, so i don't really need much else."

he quit the interrogation of sorts there i think, and i headed inside with three bags that didn't actually belong to me. mum was in the kitchen as usual, stirring something in a pot. "hi renjun, how'd it go?"

the rest of the evening, as they say, was history.

i eventually trailed upstairs to get dressed after dinner and peeled my shirt up off my torso. it was laden with sweat, i recall, and i flung it to my ever-increasing pile of laundry by the corner. just when i went to flop onto my mattress, movement across the cul de sac caught my attention and i spotted donghyuck by his own window. he was stumbling a little, and it looked as though he leaned against his desk with his hand clasped over his mouth.

i wondered what that was about, but he never told me anything too personal about himself. he looked a bit sick — maybe a summer cold. i went to open my window to call out to him, but before i could even get his name past my lips, he spotted me as well and panicked, quickly pulling his blind down.

my heart was a flustered mess in my chest at that moment, because i wasn't sure what to make of that. i hadn't seen him all day, and that awkward response made me upset.

he just shut me out again.

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