thirty two | stress

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remember i was telling you about the stories my class told at lunchtime when it was too cold to go out? well, it reminded me of the journal i mentioned before and i just had a read of it. there's one particular lunchtime i can't believe didn't come to mind. it was rather iconic, and i'm glad i wrote everything down because stories like these would disappear forever if i didn't remember them. it'd be too tragic for that to happen.

so, on this particular day it was dark and pretty gloomy outside. we were all preparing for the orange weather warning we'd heard that morning and so there my class sat, around four or five tables pushed together. in a circle there really is no head, when you think about it, but if you've ever been in a huge group with one particularly popular and loud extrovert, you'll know what i mean when i say donghyuck was the head of our circles. he just sat wherever and everyone tended to follow suit, hoping they'd get a spot close to him.

i didn't get a close spot, needless to say. i never did because if possible i would sit opposite him, technically as far away as possible but equally a space i could see him clearly from. i just loved watching him work a room, and that's all that mattered.

this time someone had asked him if he liked a girl in the room. it was little awkward — at least for me. these topics brought a heady feeling with them that lingered long after the conversation was over. regardless, i had waited and listened patiently.

"hmm," he seemed to think, casting a lazy gaze across the group and smiling all-knowingly. he gave nothing of our relationship away, not even in a small glance, or a falter of his eyes over me. nothing. i wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. "no. i don't like a girl in this room that way."

very clever.

"awww, what?" one of the ladies whined and tapped her hand against the table. "i think you're lying." i couldn't help but look at maerin who was only two seats from him. she seemed crestfallen, and a little pale. i wasn't sure what fantasy she'd concocted in her head of a future with donghyuck but i could see she was watching it splinter in her mind.

the sad thing is i couldn't even feel smug about it. he may have loved me at that point, sure, but he wasn't mine either. i didn't have a future to look forward to with him either. i was winning a very short, small game in the grand scheme of life, and i know high school romances are supposed to be looked back at with a laugh and a shove and you say you've moved on and grown up. but i certainly haven't, and the girls in the room with us back then who did like him would never have to experience the kind of pain i did at our age. so did i really win? or did our love fight back against me later in life?

"damn, you're a real heartbreaker," one of boys cackled as they all teased the girls who couldn't hide their disappointment. "okay, let's ask a different question. who's your favourite person in the room?"

for all they essentially rephrased the same question but opened it to platonic relationships as well, the girls seemed intrigued again, and so was i. when we went out, hyuck and i, we didn't talk much about school or his friends that i didn't know very well. this felt like a chance to see who else was a large part of his life other than his parents and i. though i could tell by the tension in the room as he waited to respond, nobody was entirely sure who it'd be.

"see, that's way easier," he laughed lightly-heartedly and made a finger gun shape to point directly at me across the circle. "huang renjun."

i think there might've been a moment of sheer shock when everyone looked at me, and back at him, and at me again. the journal describes it as me wanting to sink into the floor, and i'd fully believe it.

"not to be rude," someone finally said, "but was that a joke? kinda mean."

"nope," hyuck replied, popping the 'p' and sat back casually in his chair. "i'm a very honest man, guys, what's really mean is that you think it's a joke."

my heart had been in my throat as i stared at him in disbelief. for some reason it felt like one of my fantasies had gotten the best of me and i was lucid dreaming. but i knew i wasn't. he was really declaring something we had agreed to keep a secret. or had we? was it just me who wanted that? i must admit i'm not sure i even remember correctly anymore.

"but you two hardly know each other," maerin protested. "surely it's a joke. i've never seen you spend time together."

"well, he likes to pretend he doesn't know me," donghyuck scoffed and winked at me. "right? didn't even sit beside me when the seating arrangement was made."

"what are you doing?!" i mouthed at him, considering just standing up and running away. the eyes on me felt like needles against my skin.

"he's speechless, but he would agree if he could," my arrogant boyfriend was giggling. did he think because the jig was up between us and that we both knew this wasn't forever he could unravel our carefully spun web of lies and secrets? i was nervous, to say the least...but i'd have been lying if i said i wasn't excited.

"renjun, really?" anhi was beside me that day, my journal said, and she was more curious than i'd have expected from her.

i think i'd passed a glance at her and couldn't believe what i was doing. "he's my neighbour."

"ouch," donghyuck scowled and sat up properly to lean over the tables. "hey now, that's omission of the truth."

i didn't know at the time how far he wanted to take it. did he want to tell them we were together? was he happy just admitting we were best friends as well? i didn't know what to do, and he panicked me with those looks. i stood up abruptly, splaying my fingers over the scratched, chipped wood. "yeah, we're real close," i hissed sarcastically, moving aside people to get out and go to the bathroom. "besties, one might say."

"i don't think he finds this joke funny," someone mumbled closer to donghyuck. that made me even angrier, but i left before i could throw a chair. it wasn't funny to do that to me. not when we hadn't discussed it first. not when i had to potentially live here for the rest of my life when he wasn't here to clean up the mess our secrets could've brought about.

i sat in the abandoned bathroom for a while, staring at my reflection and calming my heart. this much i've remembered on my own, since the journal doesn't talk about the rest of the day.

hyuck did come to me after the bell for the start of class chimed, and he didn't say a thing, only pulled my limp body against his own and kissed my forehead like he hadn't just given me an anxiety attack.

"so you don't want to, huh?" he'd said, fingers playing a rhythm against my lower back where my hoodie and school trousers met.

"want to what? sabotage us? do you know how stressful that was? you could've just lied and said maerin or something!" i don't think i looked as vicious as i'd felt at the time, yelling into his purple hoodie that drowned half the noise.

"i wanted to tell them we were together for a moment there. they think so little of you, and so much of me. they couldn't fathom the idea of you and i together, and it bugs me—"

"it doesn't matter what they think..."

"i know, but i can't help caring. you're so lovely and clever and they don't see it at all."

i laughed a little into his chest and brought my hands up to his back to hold onto his hoodie in small fistfuls. "i don't care. i haven't for years, hyuckie. you shouldn't have said all that, because it isn't worth it." i pulled away slightly to look up at him and meet his icy gaze. he really did let this whole thing bother him. "don't bother telling them we're together, okay? so what if we are or we aren't? i don't have enough time with you as it is without people wanting to verify the claim and waste it all."

"you're a better person than i am."

"nah, i think we're both as rotten as each other."

he'd smiled at that. i think we were though, as faulty and confused as each other. if he kept causing me stress like he did i might've followed him to wherever it is we end up after all this. after life. but i knew that stress was because i loved him and wanted everything to be easy and clean as we lived out the rest of his life together.

now i stress about stupid things i could've done, wish i could do now, need to do soon. so really, there's never an end to it, is there? high school made handling it look easier as an adult, but it isn't true. stress is stress.

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