thirty | hugs and kisses

─────── • ❥ • ───────

i remember a time towards the end of november that year when i had spent nearly an entire day at donghyuck's house. his parents never put on any airs and graces for me anymore and let me in whenever i dropped by. i finally felt like a part of their small, isolated world since they never really did try to integrate into the neighbourhood. my parents thought they might've been snobby — from the city and disappointed by a little countryside town with nothing much going on. i knew they were wrong though. the lees were here for a finite time, for their son. and when he wasn't their reason for staying anymore, they would go. they told me as much.

this particular moment i'm recalling i was in hyuck's room, lying against his chest and staring off past his window while he seemed mesmerised by his ceiling. the silence was peaceful, and nearly deafening. the cicadas i had grown used to as white noise from before were replaced with a perpetual wind that kept a draft in the village, funnelling past our houses and rattling the window.

"i had a dream the other night," hyuck suddenly said, dragging me from a daydream and making me shift up to lay against his shoulder instead so i could see him. he was still looking at the ceiling, but seemed more present than before. "i was back in the city. i haven't thought of the city in months."

"really? do you miss it?"

"sometimes. don't you want to hear the dream?"

i'd narrowed my eyes suspiciously because he usually only pushed about telling a story if it was naughty or a joke. "i guess. go on."

"you were in it." now that did surprise me. "and i could tell i was dreaming because it's very difficult to picture you anywhere but here, y'know? in the latest fashion, with a real haircut, saying—"

"are you trying to piss me off?"

he started to laugh, his chest rumbling beneath me cheek before i sat up and fixed him with a satisfactory glare. "no, no," he smiled, "you know i love your shorts from when you were twelve and your long-ass hair—"

"alright, i'm going home," i grumbled and started to half-heartedly get up. i never really left hyuck until i had to those days and he had to be the one to suggest parting company. i wanted every last possible second with him to count.

"heeey, don't be mad," he giggled again and yanked me down unceremoniously to trap him against the bed. my arms were either side of his head and our faces were close. pride was the only thing keeping me from kissing him. "you know you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, right?"

i didn't answer, swallowing thickly as if to clear the heavy connotations that statement alone brought. i possibly was the best thing that ever happened to him, because nothing greater was coming his way. i decided to say, "you too. for me," to see what he would respond. and it was exactly what i didn't want to hear, because i knew it too.

"maybe. so far," he hummed and started to play with my hair around my neck which had, admittedly, dodged getting cut for too long. and never by a professional anyway. "you are going to get out of here," he whispered still, "and see the city, and meet cool people. i'll even give you some names to look up."

"hyuck—"

"and then you'll get a job doing something amazing. something you've never even thought about here because nobody wants you to leave. but you have to. and then loads of great things will happen to you. after me, there is so much more coming your way—"

"hey, enough. i thought we weren't talking about it. and you're not gone yet. there's still hope."

he stared at me for a moment, and i followed his eyes over my nose, my lips, my cheeks. the places he'd kissed a hundred times and i'd have consented to a hundred more. a thousand more. "there's always hope," he agreed. "how about you revive me a bit?" the cheeky tone his voice took quickly swept my impending fears away and he slid his hands up along my legs and thighs which were on either side of his hips.

"your parents a home," i scoffed and flicked his forehead.

"they're all the way downstairs."

"uhuh? separated by a thin ceiling."

"and television noise."

"you know i can't help being loud," i gushed under my breath, trying to sit up and resting back on my heels. "and you're crazy. you shouldn't move too much."

"well, if you're offering to do all the work..."

"not what i meant!"

i think you can imagine how it ended up, what with my weak resolve. he was a boy driven by hormones, that was for sure, even to the detriment of his weak physicality. somehow he managed to find energy and life where i was concerned, be it to run outside, stay up late, have sex. there was nothing he wouldn't do for me if i wanted to.

one minute i was playing coy and indecisive, the next he was on top of me, inside me, making my legs tremble and my breath shakey. my hands were in his hair, his lips were on my neck and altogether the sensations made everything else disappear. cease to exist. in moments like these we had all the time in the world and there was never going to be an end.

night fell before we knew it that evening, and we'd fallen asleep wound around each other. the fact that i'd woken up the next morning having been undisturbed made it clear that his parents knew about us, and had probably figured it out since i'd been privy to the secret. but they hadn't sent me home, probably even went to my parents to say i'd be staying over. it all sat in my chest like a warm embrace — this acceptance.

"have you got everything?" mrs. lee had asked me that morning, after getting us up and insisting on breakfast and showers before hyuck walked me home.

"i think so," i replied, having only a bag over my shoulder full of stuff i did with hyuck the day prior. "thanks for having me over again. i appreciate it."

"never a bother," she beamed and pinched my cheek. "welcome any time. also," she stood a little straighter and looked between her son, who was sniffing suspiciously at something in a pot on the hob behind us and me, "donghyuck has something he wants to ask you. don't you hyuck?"

"huh?"

"about christmas, perhaps. or new years."

my chest had tightened at what she was implying. nobody had ever invited me over for a holiday. in fact, i could usually count on my winters going exactly the same way each year. this change made me excited, but a little nervous.

"ugh, it's early. and he probably has plans—"

"lee donghyuck!"

"it's okay," i hurried, suddenly worried that donghyuck didn't want me over for the holidays. my palms sweated and i pressed them to my sides. "you must have your traditions and all, i don't want to impose..."

"well, not really," his mum hummed and leaned her weight on one leg. "he's being all shy cause he thinks it'll put pressure on you if he asks. he's been quite excited for the holidays this year actually—"

"oh yeah, pull out the photo album while you're at it," hyuck threw his hands up and wandered over to join us. "show him my bare ass as a baby and tell him my secrets."

"you're so dramatic!" she hissed and kicked his knee. he nearly buckled.

"i didn't ask because he has his own family!" he scoffed and looked at me with more seriousness. and a bit of nervousness, i think. "i mean, surely you want to spend it with your mum and dad, and xiuying, of course."

"well," i laced my fingers together over my stomach and tried not to sound too eager or indifferent, "just because it's what i usually do doesn't mean i have to again this year. and since it might be..." i paused, realising i didn't want to say that out loud, but they knew. their eyes dropped and they didn't continue my thought for me.

it could've been, and probably would've been his last christmas with the state he'd been in recently.

"so...you'll come over? for the day?" hyuck enquired hopefully.

"yeah, i will," i nodded resolutely. the news would probably make my parents sad, but i'd regret missing this holiday with hyuck more than with them. i can assure you they're both still kicking and xiuying and i both still go home each winter to spend christmas and new years with them. they didn't suffer this particular year without me.

"good. it's a date," donghyuck smiled, a bit bashful. both he and his mum seemed pleased as i left, promising i'd be back soon.

finally the holidays gave me something to look forward to that year.

─────── • ❥ • ───────