thirteen | unusual night

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i didn't get to see hyuck much for a while after that. in fact, we didn't meet again until the night before school started back. that had to have been about two weeks. i was always blaming myself for these things, even when there was no logical reason for me to. it wasn't my fault, but i wanted to please and impress him so badly that i had to degrade my pride. sometimes i slept better thinking that it was something i'd said and could apologise for.

anyway, that scene from his room always floated around my mind from then on. when he was clearly weak and feeling sick, and pulled his blind down as if to shield himself from my gaze. i had thought for sure we were getting close enough at the time to tell each other that type of thing...but maybe i was wrong. maybe i wanted more than i could have.

regardless, the first school night in a while had finally come upon my sister and i, and we were busy packing our school bags and getting our uniforms ready for the morning. xiuying seemed distracted, clumsily shoving this and that inside the purple backpack and anxiously wondering if she was forgetting something.

i wish i had her enthusiasm, because she's kept it even to this day. i'm too lazy to give a crap about that type of thing — preparation...but i wanted that level of effort in my life. i remember watching her from her doorway, just standing there like a waste of space and thinking about other things while staring at her.

"take a picture, it'll last longer," she'd finally hissed and threw a pillow from her bed at me. i caught it way too easily, and then hugged it to my chest since it smelt of strawberries.

"why would i want a picture of a banshee, huh?"

"then stop stalking me and go get ready."

"it's tomorrow. it's not like we're leaving for school tonight."

"you're so bothersome. i have friends and teachers and whatnot to see tomorrow, i want to be ready and look okay. don't you care about that?"

i huffed indignantly at that, because no; i didn't have friends. i didn't get along particularly well or terribly with my teachers either. i was but a ghost in that classroom, pretending to do work to stay under the radar and casually checking donghyuck out here and there.

donghyuck.

there he was again. infiltrating my thoughts and making me want to whine and rant. two weeks felt like an eternity when he wasn't around to mess with me. even a simple 'boo' as he leapt from behind a fence would've been nice...but i hadn't heard a thing. my shoulders slumped and i inhaled the strawberry-scented pillow again before sighing dramatically and tossing it back onto the bed. "night," i had mumbled, and xiuying waved me off like a pesky fly.

as i wandered back down the hall and into my room, the faint sound of car tires against the dusty road of our small avenue met my ears and i hurriedly scurried over to my window to see what was up. people didn't often drive around here, since we used the bus to get to town or simply walked since this was the countryside. my curious eyes followed the same vehicle that had brought the lees here nearly a year ago, and it parked in their driveway. i hadn't realised they'd been gone...but maybe that would've explained the random absence.

it was sort of nostalgic doing this, i found. it was like i was that same weirdo a month or so beforehand, 'hyuck watching' because i had no balls to talk to him. this time though, my chest felt way tighter as the guy i'd fallen for stepped out of the car with a couple of bruises on his exposed arm and this exhausted expression. what was that about?

the three of them all went inside apparently wordlessly, and i was somewhat baffled while watching it. i could've been my usual self and went to bed while not sleeping a wink with it on my mind. but this time, i felt braver. i can remember the sudden courage that hit me like an adrenaline rush, and instead of sitting around and hoping he'd come to me...i was gonna go to him.

i snuck downstairs since it was technically bedtime, and my parents were sitting on the couch together with their backs to me, chatting calmly since they didn't really watch much tv. in fact, it was never on after eight anyway.

i lowered my stance and avoided the noisy planks i'd memorised throughout my life in this house. my sliders were light and small, so they didn't betray me as i edged closer and closer to the door. once there, my heart nearly leapt out of my damn chest when mum suddenly burst out into a fit of giggles and smacked dad's arm, obviously amused by something. i was sweating like a sinner in church as i drew the lock across its track and slowly moved my fingers down to the knob.

just a little bit more and i'd be out.

with closed eyes and a shaky breath, i twisted the metal in my hand and cringed so hard when it squeaked slightly. my gaze returned and shot straight to the couple sharing a bottle of wine. they hadn't noticed or something, because i freely pulled the door open and stepped cautiously outside, slowly, so slowly, clicking it shut behind me.

now that i was outside, i felt small. tiny, even. this plan hadn't been thought through in fairness, and now i was starting to regret being such a big man all of ten minutes ago. i should've been a whimp and stayed inside.

but there was no point in pondering over that now, and my feet guided me to the lees house before my brain had even instructed them to. actually, i still did that sometimes. occasionally i'll make a spontaneous decision and let my body roll with it instead of thinking it all through. what could i say? i'd learned to stop caring so much.

i sucked in a really deep breath while staring at their doorbell. it was starting to stretch and grow before shrinking and repeating that. it was an evil monster in my mind, and i couldn't quite touch it for fear of actually making it ring.

you're a stupid idiot, i'd told myself at the time, smacking my cheeks and blinking away the salty sweat nearing my eyes. they were nice people, and even if i hadn't been here before...there was a first time for everything. right? right.

i pressed down on the bell and wanted to cry when it chimed across the interior. i listened to it fade out, and only a moment later the front door was pulled open and mrs. lee was there.

"ah, renjun...right?" she checked, probably terrified she'd fucked up my name.

"yeah, that's me. is dong—"

"you're here for hyuck, right? ah, sorry. i interrupted you." she tucked stray strands of her hair — which fell from the ponytail — behind her ear, smiling softly. "yes, he's here. would you like to see him?"

"please...if that's okay?"

"i'm sure it is. he's not in a great mood, mind you. we just got back from the hospital."

"the hospital?" i gasped, and i clearly couldn't hide my monumental surprise and wide eyes. "is he okay? what happened?"

"he's fine. i'm not supposed to talk about it," she rolled her eyes and shrugged. "anyway, he's upstairs in his room. if you can, try to convince him to come down for some dinner. would you like some?"

"no thanks, i already ate."

"of course. it's late," she yawned in the end and stepped aside to let the boy in. he bowed respectfully in her direction before stepping out of his sliders and leaving them beside the other shoes and wandering off towards the staircase. the first thing he noticed about this house was the smell. it was amazing; like cinnamon and vanilla and nutmeg...all kinds of fresh and sweet scents. then, the lack of decor. it wasn't un-homely per-say, but definitely a bit clean and modern looking for a family that had been here nearly a year.

i tried to keep my footsteps light as i approached the second floor. at first, i started to panic since i had no idea which room was his. i should've asked her down there before rushing on up. i really was a dumbass. but then i stumbled upon a door with a sign on it; donghyuck's room. back off.

"wow..." i had breathed and pursed my lips. it was certainly a statement to those like me who were intimidated by other guys. even the ones we like. i shook out my wrists and rolled my shoulders, hoping to relax a little before going for it.

all i did was knock twice, and a frustrated huff sounded before the white wood flew open. i flinched, faced with his grumpy yet tired face. "what is i—" he paused midway, blinking once and tilting his head out of curiosity. "renjun?"

"um...hi?"

"i thought you were my mum. what're you doing here? it's nearly ten and we have school tomorrow."

"i came here to see you, obviously. i saw the car pull up and i..." what was i supposed to say? i was hoping to hear his voice? feel his hands? rest against him like i had once or twice before? i felt awkward then, all of a sudden. like i was talking to a stranger. his eyes were piercing straight through me, and i was starting to regret my decisions.

"tonight's not a good night," he croaked quietly, coughing to get rid of that rawness.

"ah, i'm sorry," i ended up uttering quickly and backing away like a cornered lamb. i hated myself so much, for i always ended up in weird situations like these. "i should've..." should've what? called? i didn't have that confidence. should i have waited longer for him to come to me? what was he, a cat? my frustration and fear all bubbled up in my chest and spilled over the edge of my physical glass.

a stray tear ran along my cheek and met my jaw, so i quickly swiped it away to hide it.

"i should've let you know i was coming," i finally whispered and blinked a bit to prevent all this blurriness from building up. i could barely see him, but i sensed his figure relax against his doorframe, and he sighed before taking my hand and pulling me into his room.

his smell was so much stronger in here, and i breathed it in without hesitation as he closed the door behind us. then, before i could make more nasty memories by gushing through apologies and reasons, he placed his hands firmly around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder from behind. i was tense, and he could sense that.

"did you come here for something specific?" he asked softly, his throat clearly raw for some reason. my heart was racing in my chest, and my tears were drying now that this wasn't a crying matter.

i just wanted to see you. i wanted to make sure you were alright, were my reasons for coming here. i hadn't noticed what he meant until his fingertips dug into my hips, and slightly breached the band of my shorts. my spine tingled with a strange electricity, and i quickly put my own palms on his wrists to stop him. "this wasn't it. i just needed to hear your voice."

"that's it? really?" he chuckled darkly even with his sore throat, and made massaging motions with his thumbs into my lower back, somehow igniting a surreal fire in the pit of my tummy. i breathed out hoarsely and accidentally stumbled forward from the numb feeling where his fingers were and leaned against his desk.

"hyuck...seriously. wh-where were you? why didn't you come t-to see me. ngh..." i was losing face, and he was forcing that. my shorts felt so tight now that my hips were out while i leaned over. everything was hot, and i needed to stop this before we really went too far. 

"did my mother not tell you? i was in hospital for a few days."

a few days? then why haven't i seen you in two weeks? i was annoyed. angry, even. i wanted to push him away and act up again since i refused to let him win all the time. i was equally allowed to take the reigns for whatever this was that we had than he was. my shirt fell upwards towards my chest, exposing my back to him. he leaned down and gently pressed butterfly kisses to my skin...weakening me.

"why were you in hospital?" i tried to firm up a little. "what happened?"

"hm, a cold. y'know, those summer colds?"

"seriously?"

"yeah, i kept passing out and stuff though, so they kept me there to make sure i was fine."

"that's...hah!" i cried out and quickly covered my mouth before speaking again, "that's the truth?"

he sucked a hickey near my tailbone and licked it before smirking. i couldn't see his face, but it was probably less sincere than i wanted it to be. "you don't believe me?"

i wasn't sure what had gotten into him at the time, but it sort of scared and excited me. usually he listened to my warnings and backed off since he wanted me as much as i wanted him. but this time he was acting a little more...persistent? dominant? neither of us were overly protective people though, so something must've happened to him recently to have him be this way. my poor brain was fried then though, and i wish i could go back and time and iron out all the creases in the information for me. 

i came to my senses soon enough though, because i wanted answers. i forced myself to straighten up again on weak legs and turned around to face him so we could see eye to eye. now that i was taking in his appearance, something looked a bit different.

"hyuck...what's going on? why won't you tell me these things?"

he scoffed lightly and shifted his weight from one leg to the other, fluttering his lashes in mock offence. it seemed as though he was going to give me a snide response which would shut me up as usual, but his attention passed me and landed on a video camera behind me upon his desk.

"now there's an idea..." he whispered, slowly brushing past me and picking it up. the shiny, navy blue colour glowed against the artificial light of his bedroom's bulb, and he held down the power button to see if it'd turn on. i frowned in confusion as he smiled and faced it towards me, his own normal expression coming back for the first time that night.

his brilliant grin.

"renjunnie, say hi."

"hyuck, what are you doing?"

"i've been wondering how we can keep all our memories together recently. ever since that night by the rock pool, really. i don't want to forget any of them, and this was just staring at me."

"donghyuck," i sighed distractedly and tried to look away from the lens as he followed me around the room with it. my blush was so apparent, and i hated cameras. "why do we need to keep them together? i have a great memory."

"because the images fade," he sighed and brought it down to face the floor for a moment. he seemed serious about this, and my body heated up as he eyed me up and down with fondness. "wouldn't you like to see yourself as a seventeen-year-old when you're older, and who you were with?"

"i-i guess. maybe..."

"i do. i want to remember how pretty you are, and how i can make you smile. you never know how long we'll have together."

"hyuck..." i groaned and took the camera off him, holding it to face us as i looped my free arm around his neck. "here, happy? you're so morbid sometimes..." i gushed, and leaned in to catch his lips for a kiss. he expertly held my wrist which was holding the recorder up, and used his other hand to squeeze my ass where the film couldn't see. i moaned into his mouth, getting used to these games now. his tongue once scared me...but it was a source of pleasure for me now. i wanted to discover all my firsts with him, and perhaps these recordings were a good idea.

i would soon find out they were, i guess. i still have them. tucked under my bed, even though most of them don't work anymore. unfortunately this one doesn't; where we're making out passionately for the first time in front of a camera. the tape got scratched when xiuying dropped my moving boxes a few months ago. but some of the others do. i'll remember them in chronological order though, and recall the romance i had bit by bit.

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