nineteen | a date to remember

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it felt surreal. that journey on the bus beside him. i can still feel the night wind in my hair, lifting it off my face since we were on the open top deck. nobody used this level of the rickety contraption because of all the spiderwebs, the rain and the wind currents shooting your hair back like a jet.

we, however, couldn't have cared less. we weren't overly vain boys back when we were teens, and finding each other hot was really all that mattered to us then. we sat at the front, and nobody else was there with us. i can't remember why; i was sure there was a reason. maybe a festival, or a new program or something...but this night, nobody went into town alongside us.

i was definitely watching hyuck the entire time, and the way his loose, white top was rippling in the breeze and outlining his chest and skinny ribs as he held his hair off his forehead and watched the countryside whizz by. i was mesmerised by everything about him, and i always wanted to know if he felt the same about me. did he ever watch me while i wasn't aware? did he think of me at random times no matter how inconvenient? did he love me in the same depth that i adored him?

those were never answered as questions, but i sort of promised myself that he was the same. it felt that way to me as a lovesick teenager, anyway.

"i feel a bit sick..." he had whispered in that moment, finally glancing back to me with these hazel, soulful eyes.

"do you need to throw up?" i had asked, as if this was normal. he'd shown no signs of illness minutes prior, but i desperately clung onto the hope that this was motion and travel sickness. that the unstable, bouncy bus was the cause of his nausea. i believe he nodded back, and i wasn't sure what to do.

"turn around," he smiled faintly, twisting his finger a circle like he was casting some sort of magic spell. i didn't want to, but obliged anyway. that was when i heard him puke over the side, the bushes soon far behind us getting rained on with stomach acids. i shot back around then, nervous for him and worried. he was my boyfriend, i didn't want him to feel sick. ever.

"you okay?" i mumbled and patted his back, tucking strands of his wavy hair behind his ears. he had a bit of what he'd released near his mouth, but it didn't disgust me. nothing about him could ever disgust me, and so i wiped it away with my fingers and kissed his temple like a mother. i felt like one then, to be honest. "i love you."

he still wasn't talking, but i was sure that was due to his upset stomach, not me. i merely rested my cheek against his chest as we quietly endured the rest of the journey, and he ran soothing patterns along my back as a sign that he was gonna be okay.

when we finally departed from that death trap of a vehicle, the sun was much closer to setting, and it was an orange sky now. the driver waved us away tiredly and we were more than happy to start the next phase of the date.

"have you done much in town before?" hyuck asked as we clasped our hands together subtly and walked near one another to hide them. "are there things you like to do?"

"mum and dad get worried when xiuying and i come out here. y'know, there're all kinds of weird stories circulating this place. so no, we don't visit all that often..."

"fear not, you won't get raped tonight."

"well thank god for that," i had joked in return, but it was a little scary to think about. the amount of sexual assault cases there that year were pretty high, and the ratio of boys to girls getting fucked over was about 5:2. hyuck and i were no more safe than the ladies; in fact, in more danger.

"let's try..." he hummed softly and tapped his chin in thought, "the market. i went there once when i was like, twelve or something. we still lived in the city, obviously, so places like this were cute little holiday destinations."

i remember chuckling along to that, but feeling rather insecure. it always slipped my mind that he was a bit different to the rest of us, because he had more life experience. why his parents had moved a then sixteen-year-old from the cityscape to not only the countryside, but the buttcrack of nowhere, was a huge mystery to my school. and to me.

"what's in the market?" i covered my real thoughts pretty well with a different interest. "i haven't been yet."

"it's annual, i think. like a summer sale but for a whole three or four months. i'd say it's gonna be closing soon enough for autumn."

autumn, i recall thinking. yeah, that whole period of time had completely passed me by too quickly. i wanted the long days and endless nothingness to come back so i could sneak off with him like we used to and do stupid shit. eating ice-creams on a bridge, swimming in a midnight rock pool, lip-syncing old songs from across each other's windows at four in the morning when we couldn't sleep. i missed those times, and even more so now than ever.

"come with me," he had taken my hand, and who was i to refuse him?

"wow, this is good," i'd gushed with my mouth full of barbecued chicken. it was on a skewer if i remember correctly, and it was delicious. i haven't had it since. anyway, all that while as we explored each stall, i noticed i'd been trying the snacks and hyuckie refused to even take a bite. "here, try some," my moronic self had offered then, and he smiled at me like i was a child... and declined.

"i'm okay, baby. i don't need to eat."

"it's not about needing to or not, it's just an atmosphere," i had argued, and he raised his hands in mock surrender.

"true, true. i still don't feel well though, so i'll pass."

"hyuck..."

"don't worry, i'm fine."

but you aren't, was what i had been wanting to say. i was starting to believe what i'd assumed to be his lie about anorexia, because he was skinny and refused to eat. "even just a little bite. for me," i pouted cutely and fluttered my lashes playfully.

he seemed somewhat more convinced, and right now i'm just glad that i was one of the only people he'd listen to and eat for. his parents did start to invite me over at some stage to feed him, for he wouldn't listen to them at all.

"just one," he whispered and took a tiny nibble, and when i had been about to ask him what he thought...he leaned in and stole a kiss from my cheekbone. in public. we both looked around curiously, but nobody had seemed to notice. it felt like a real city just then for some reason.

"i prefer the taste of you," he jested with that goddamn flirtatious wink i couldn't get over. he'd been like this from the start, and you'd imagine i would've gotten better at handling it. you would've been wrong to think so.

"ew," i mumbled in return and partook from the chicken again. he was so annoying, but i loved him so very much. more than i could handle.

he ended up taking my hand again and leading me out of there, back onto the main streets where we weren't suffocated by the smell of food and knocked around by random shoulders. the tangerine sky from before was starting to melt into a dream-like violet. i wasn't sure what time it was then, but i didn't particularly care. the closer to nine we got, the more it depressed me.

"walk with me," donghyuck smiled and tugged me along without actually handing me the option. i didn't care though, and binned the remaining empty skewer as we passed one.

"what's the plan?" i had asked, as we swung our clasped hands between us absentmindedly.

"mhm, not sure. i just wanted to spend time with you where there were no people we knew. it can be pretty frustrating wanting to hold your hand when we're surrounded by homophobic weirdos who don't even know us. they think they know and care about us, but they don't. not even a little."

he was right. had half the people who claimed they even gave half a shit about our feelings, our lives, our actions really did, then our relationship wouldn't have still been the large secret it was. while thinking about this properly for the first time, we ended up passing by a cute fountain.

it was pretty old, to be honest. it had angels and cherubs made of ageing, mossy stone in the centre and lining the basin. murky water spewed out, but something about the whole thing had so much character. i let go of donghyuck's hand then, kissing his knuckles before heading over to it and having a closer look.

there were coins covering the bottom; wishes from kids and perhaps a few adults hoping that something monumental would change for them. i don't think i had coins on me at the time, since i'd probably have used them all at the market...but i did love the concept of wishing fountains. i sensed my boyfriend close behind me, probably just admiring my figure as i spaced out.

around a minute or two into my daydreams and excitement, i could hear faint giggles from the other side. i subtly glanced back at hyuck, and he shrugged as if he didn't know what it was nor cared. i sort of did though, so i wandered around the edge a little to take a look. i didn't want to expose myself, obviously, so once the scene was barely in sight i stopped.

a couple? i had thought then, probably smiling because i could finally relate to their happiness. i could see them dancing by the small, spindly trees planted by the fountain to bring out a small amount of naturalness to this area. the girl was kind of short, which was adorable since her boyfriend was a giant. they didn't match at all, yet somehow their spins and footwork reminded me of ballet.

i can still remember how they kissed each time they came close, or their contagious laughter when one of them played a little with the moves. in general, i had never felt so heart-warmed before in my life, which was funny because i used to find this sort of thing nauseating and gross.

"you're spying," donghyuck whispered against my ear with a giggle, scaring the crap out of me when he grabbed my hips way too suddenly... way too tight.

"fuck," i hissed quietly and nudged his stomach with my elbow. "don't do me that way. c'mon."

"why're you watching?"

"they're so cute," was all i could respond, but my reasoning sort of ran further i suppose. i wasn't sure then what it was about the two that enthralled me, but now i pin it down to 'longing'. they were in public, hiding behind a fountain and having the time of their lives. nobody would've gagged at them, nobody would've pointed a finger, and perhaps people may even have cooed at their young love. had that been hyuck and i, the cards would've been changed.

"i wish i could dance with you too," my lover mumbled over my shoulder and rested his chin there, wistfully sighing and looping his arms around my waste. "i bet you'd be good at it."

"i've never danced before. not like that," i truthfully stated. "only messing around when i was a kid, y'know?"

"mhm, me too."

one of the things i'm glad i don't regret now is getting to dance with him. it was once, but one of the most magical experiences ever. if i could turn back the clocks, it would be one if the moments i'd revisit... amidst many incredible times i spent with that boy.

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