nine | kissing strangers

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he was the sun and i was the moon. he just didn't look like he belonged under this pale, blue light, drifting in the water contentedly with his tanned skin and ochre eyes. i, however, like to think of myself as a bit of a vampire. one of my exes actually agreed with me too; said i was antisocial, ate too little and had an active imagination during the night and an absent one during the day. hyuck and i weren't very similar, but i didn't want to believe that during our time together.

i waded over to him and floated on my back by his side. we were staring at the moon listlessly, and the fresh water lapped over our chests every once in a while. eventually the peace had to be broken, and donghyuck slipped back down from the position to thread water. i didn't move with him, and instead he played with my wet hair.

"i didn't mean it," he whispered once my eyes had closed and i relaxed into his touch. i imagined he didn't want my gaze staring back at him as he confessed to whatever this was, so i left things as they were. i was always quite good at reading a room or a mood.

"didn't mean what?" i'd responded quietly.

"when i said you were boring. you're not, and i shouldn't have mentioned it."

"don't stress yourself. i know i am."

"i just said you weren't," he adamantly fought me, and his fingers in my hair tightened a fraction. if i could list one of my sparse and few kinks...hair tugging was one of them. i think i may have let out a small gasp of pleasure at it, because i could almost sense his hesitation before he laced his fingers through the strands again and kept a somewhat firm grip. i wanted to relax out of the floating, but decided against it.

"okay..." i mumbled, and he probably tensed up. i know i would've had i been given such a lukewarm answer. a simple 'okay' could've meant anything, and i suppose that bothered him because a second or two later, he was untangling his hands from my hair and pulling me to drift with him. we were impossibly close now, and i swallowed thickly when my groin reacted to this.

"are you still mad?" his voice hitched, and even with the cicadas shrieking along to our moment, i could hear it. i'm a stickler for thinking too much and formulating sentences in my head before dishing them out, but i almost thought he was nervous. but for what, i was yet to discover. i just recall enjoying the upper hand for once.

"i was never mad, donghyuck," i'd gushed quickly and backed away only slightly since i was getting hard under his gaze. "i was just a bit annoyed that you woke me up at four a.m and hadn't talked to me for nearly a week. that's all."

"why are you moving away?" he'd frowned, and i could've died now that he'd noticed. he advanced towards me while i helplessly backed up towards one of the mountain-like boulders. once my shoulders were pressed against it, i knew i was fucked.

"give me space," i insisted, quite possibly beet-red. jeez, my heart is pounding even now thinking about it. he still has that effect on me.

"you are mad," he groaned, stopping where he was and throwing his head back to look at the night sky again. his wet collarbones and exposed jaw made me throb and i just wanted someone to spontaneously murder me and dispose of my body then and there. "go on, tell me what i have to do to change your mood."

my initial thought was 'you have no idea what mood you need to change right now', but obviously i couldn't have said that. so instead i settled on fighting again. "i already said i'm not angry!"

"doesn't feel that way..." he sighed, and it really did hurt my chest to see him dejected. other than the days of 'hyuck watching' when i could view his depressed stages and frustrated pacing, i had never actually seen him openly upset. he just never put that face on for anyone ever.

it wasn't like there was much i could say to explain myself, but i would've liked to have been given the chance before he swam over again caged me to that stupid rock. the dumbass could never read me quite right, and there i was, as stiff as a board, with him radiating alpha energy over me.

"i'm sorry," he hummed, so irritatingly close to my face. i could smell his breath. mint.

"stop apologising when you don't know what for," i'd grumbled, and it was then that i let my guard down and his knee very accidentally brushed past my erection. my heart stopped, blood froze and my fucking airways choked up.

"oh..." donghyuck's eyes widened, and i truly thought he was going to overreact and throw a hissy fit that i got hard for a guy. he did actually back away a little, but only covered his mouth with the back of his wrist. "i should've noticed. i'm sorry."

finally an apology worth accepting, the ironic side of my brain had tried to joke, and i remember to this day wishing it died a death...but alas, i still had it. the more sensitive section was mortified though, and i recall trying to cross my legs as best i could when under water.

"you think i'm a freak, don't you?" i'd mumbled as clear as day. no amount of cicadas could drown it out. "you think i should go die."

"woah, what?" donghyuck gasped with an amused expression. "why? i'm as guilty as the next guy for popping one at terrible times. y'know i got hard in class once? during maths?"

"that's not the fucking point and you know it!" i'd suddenly raised my voice and screamed. it took him by surprise. hell, it took me by surprise, and my world was starting to crumble as i tried to salvage the situation. "i-i mean...oh god..." i panicked, hyperventilating and trying not to cry. it wasn't working, mind you.

while i was having a massive, mental meltdown, all that guy was doing was sending me what i now like to call a 'deadass' look. one where he couldn't believe my behaviour.

"you didn't let me finish," he had uttered quite lowly. it made me stop, that was for sure.

"i..." was all my thick head could manage, and he chose to take that as an invitation to continue.

"so we were doing quadratic equations that day, and i swear my mind just shut off. but i saw you there, by the window as usual. i don't know why, but seeing you leaned over your desk asleep put ideas into my head. my first gay daydream, you could say."

i mean...when a hot guy tells you he thinks you're cute, usually you'd malfunction a little and then try your best to roll with it. but not me. i didn't get past the system reset and just stared into space like a stupid loading sign. donghyuck probably thought this was hilarious, and he drifted back over and snapped me out of the daze when he daringly slipped his hands down my boxers and wrapped his hand around my aching length.

first reaction?

you're probably begging for a bit of action, maybe a sexy encounter where we grow into our own bodies. but i'm sorry, i literally shoved him away and shrieked like a seagull before scurrying to swim back to the beach.

"renjun, wait! i'm sorry. i shouldn't have done that!" he called behind me as i crawled along the sand to get out of the pond. "listen, i won't force you. stop running off."

he felt it. fuck my life, i was most likely too busy thinking. i guess i'm sort of glad he's a faster mover than me, because he managed to catch up and collapsed on top of me to push me onto my side. he too flopped to the sand, inhaling and exhaling as though he was clinging onto life. i wasn't scared of him. i wasn't offended by what he did.

i was just embarrassed that i hadn't been ready for this, and that i was so unlike him.

"i'm sorry," he whispered hoarsely and couldn't even see me past his matted fringe over his eyes.

"stop apologising already. you've never done it before, and yet i've heard it like, ten times tonight."

"i'm sorry."

"shut up!" i hissed, sitting up and smacking his bare arm. i was a considerable amount less aroused now, and my erection was starting to calm down, thank the lord. "i'm not mad!"

"i fucked up though."

"just..." i breathed heavily, sitting back and looking towards the rock pool again. "warn me when you do that. i was spacing out, man."

hyuck was the cutest thing sometimes. he literally flicked on his doe-eyes switch and blinked at me like some sort of homeless kitten. "so...this isn't about the fact that i touched you, it's the fact that you weren't ready? so...you'd be interested on future occasions?"

how he came to these conclusions, i had no idea. but really, it saved me from having to propose them myself, so i was fine with it. "i suppose..." i still hated to admit it, though. i didn't know how much of a slut i was until he shaped me like play-dough, melded me into his perfect pillow princess. i've never had sex quite like his again, and i long for his arms to be wrapped around me at least once more.

"have you ever kissed a guy, then? in fact, have you ever been in love with one? i've had my suspicions about you for ages, and i won't lie...i was frustrated that you never said hi to me when i first moved here," he muttered and looked down a little, fringe now falling over his forehead like curtains. "i thought you might've been gay, and it interested me. your clothes, your manners, your antisocial behaviour...something about you told me you had a secret, and i wanted to know what it was."

this conversation, for me, was what i assumed was an answer to my oldest question; why did he approach me to begin with? i always wondered and never quite worked it out. but this must've been it. he was bi-curious or simply bisexual, and he thought i was a mystery in need of solving.

maybe that should've been a red light, y'know? beep beep, he's only interested in the games.

but i didn't think about that, and it never came to be true. instead, he was just as lost as i was in this community and probably confused lust with love just like i did. we needed a man in our lives to feel complete and validated, and i suppose we were soulmates in that sense.

"i've never kissed someone," i think i muttered in a dazed state of thought. i probably hadn't even meant to say it, but at this point...none of that mattered anymore. "i'd be hung by my toes for it."

"can i be your first then? i really want to kiss you, and you'd be my first boy."

there it went again. the thump thump thump of my poor little heart. my ears were ringing with nature's songs and my own pulse, and i tilted towards him a little as a 'yes'. he cautiously sat up beside me, looking down as if i was a wild animal that could easily betray him.

"are you sure?"

actually, i'd never been so sure of something in my life. even if it was shit and kissing was all a fantasy until the reality proved you wrong...i wanted to try it. i didn't want to kiss a girl i hardly loved and make that possibility a sad fact. i didn't answer, but he didn't wait for one either. he sort of shifted on the damp sand and cupped my cheek with a grainy palm. it made it feel so much more real.

initially, he just brushed his warm lips against mine, and the first thing i noticed was how strange it felt to have his breath fan out over my face. it made me close my eyes to sense more of it, and for that i was surprised when he actually connected us the full way.

fire was the next part i remembered. the burning heat in my tummy as he led the kiss with fervour and knowledge, taking it no further than our lips. i couldn't breathe, and it was my own fault for holding it in. i think i might've tried to add a little something to it, since laying idle didn't suit me. i can still feel his hair in my hands, and the hot skin of his neck and shoulders against my palms. i could light up all over again at the sensation, but it was only meant for my past memories.

"mhm," he hummed weakly and pulled away for a second, reading my expression like a romance novel. i wasn't sure what he was thinking, mostly because my head was a fizzled mess. he leaned back in, and i just presumed we'd continue like i wanted to...

but no. 

he swiped his tongue over my lip, and i gasped dramatically before turning my head to the side and looking away.

"no?" he whispered, caressing my hair gently and occasionally tucking some long strands behind my ear. "i just wanted to see."

i moved my head back in his direction and met his gaze. "m'sorry."

"can we continue?" he proceeded to enquire with round, curious eyes. "i won't use my tongue."

"okay."

and that time, the 'okay' had an obvious meaning, not just a vague representation of many.

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