four | me and you

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"daddy, i'm going out," i recall informing my father as i walked out the front door and pretended that donghyuck hadn't been at the back gate beforehand. yes, i still called my dad 'daddy', but so did half the village since we, as i'd previously mentioned, were all in a state of the past. i knew from television that teenagers were supposed to act a bit differently than we did, and that society had moved on a lot from our standstill position. but being gay was pretty easy to hide if you didn't date in the first place, and getting pregnant at sixteen or seventeen was a cause for celebrations sometimes — it meant your were an adult ready to settle down. sick. not only these, but the whole 'no internet after eight' rule in our house, the 'no phones unless you're going out' one as well, and of course 'leave your door open when your friends are over'. none of these concerned me, however, because i was never the social type.

well, not until this particular night, i suppose.

"you're going out?" my father had responded back then, a little bit tipsy i'd say from the third cider can sitting in his grip, but not absolutely hammered. "in that?"

my sense of style is still pretty questionable to my family even today, but back then it was just a bit irritating i think. if i remember correctly, i was in a pair of short shorts because the sun was way too much for me, and a t-shirt. nothing worth getting upset over, but it did concern my parents at times that my little sister got away with wearing the same thing.

"what's wrong?" i wondered aloud.

"renjunnie, it's just..." he seemed to have a word on the tip of his tongue, and i knew what he wanted to say. he just...never did. maybe he didn't want to admit it to himself. "never mind, son. are you on your own?"

"no. i'm—"

"no, mr. huang, he's with me," hyuck had called very cutely on that hot evening, waving from the edge of the dusty driveway only metres from the porch. he had even gotten dressed, and i'll forever remember the butterflies in my tummy that erupted at the sight of him dressed somewhat similarly to me. like he used my taste in clothes as confirmation that it was okay to be this way.

"oh...when did you start hanging out with the lees' boy, hm?" he seemed dubious at the time, but i wasn't really sure what of. back then, i assumed it was the sudden appearance of lee donghyuck in my life, because i hardly knew him either. i was about to run off with a pretty stranger. but now, thinking about it as an adult and with a clearer head...maybe daddy also had suspicions about him too, because it was as clear as day from the photos in the box under my bed that we had a radar for men, not women.

"we just..."

"go on. be back before nine, or your mother won't feed you any madeira cake."

my heart pounded like a waterfall against its plunge pool in that moment, because that was it. that was the start of incredible and devastating things to come. as i shyly waved goodbye and jogged towards the sun-kissed prince waiting for me, i couldn't have known that my future would hold changes, finding the depths of my sexuality, falling in love with someone who held so many secrets, and defying every guideline and rule i'd been raised with.

i wasn't a rule-breaker...but hyuck somehow made me one.

"good to see you. it's been awhile," the taller had giggled as i stopped right in front of him, allowing his soft hand to take my own and drag me down our street. the estate still has a special place in my heart and a warm memory in my mind...yet i don't think i'd ever go back to see it. i'd cry.

"where are we going?" i asked so unknowingly. during the time that followed, i would learn that asking the silly boy where he was headed or what was in store was stupid. he never really knew himself — just one of those wandering souls who drifted where the wind suggested. i never liked that way of living, and he couldn't change my mind. but i can see the beauty of his personality now, even if it's a little bit late for that.

"hmmm, not sure," he'd said, "my legs tend to decide without me, and i'm left pleasantly surprised every time we arrive."

what does that mean? i'm not sure i even know now, but the educated guess was as straightforward as the words. he just didn't care where he ended up, i suppose.

i wanted to ask him a question for a very long time. but it started around this point when he brought me out for the first time. no, it wasn't quite. i think it was when he pulled me up from the ground at the back gate that i started to wonder why it was he even came to me at all. it weighed on my mind for ages, but in the end he was being selfish with his secrets. he hated talking to someone who knew more than him, and over here it was simply easy to converse with people who knew nothing. we must've been so boring to him, but he never admitted it. i can't help but feel he approached me and assumed i wasn't as knowledgeable as he was, and he'd have been right. maybe i was just another country hick who was even easier than the last to sway.

i fell for him like an idiot too quickly, but not yet. it wasn't the first meeting, i promise.

anyway, we ended up in town together which was only a ten minute walk from where we lived. the sky was that gorgeous neapolitan ice-cream mix, with the strawberry pinks, the vanilla golds and the chocolate browns where the shadows reached it. i liked to believe as a young child that you were able to drag your finger along the clouds and taste their sugary perfection...but i never tried it, because i was afraid i was wrong. well, more-so deep down i knew i was wrong.

"we should get ice-cream," donghyuck said nonchalantly in front of me, my hand still very much linked with his. i could see the people around me i'd grown up with catching sight of our position and swiftly shooting their gazes elsewhere...worried that their minds would concoct an unpleasant solution as to what it was. but i wasn't worried about them at the time. i was a blushing mess because he had read my mind.

"did you know i was thinking about some?"

he turned to look over his shoulder and snickered like a mischievous child. "maybe."

how? i had wondered. i was so naïve and gullible back then, of course he didn't know what i was thinking about. but my friend experience bar was at the lowest and he was the only one filling it with points. i learned a lot of things the hard way, and i blame the fact that my first teenage friend (since my previous ones had been as a kid) was also my first crush. i'd been attracted to some of the boys in my village before, but not in the way i liked hyuck. the others were just...handsome.

we wound up outside the local shop and let our hands fall apart. i suddenly felt very cold and bare without it there, i remember, but obviously i couldn't have said that. it wouldn't have been right.

"wait here. i'll get them, okay?"

"okay," i nodded softly, watching his gorgeous back as he pushed through the single door and out of sight into the illuminated store. my breath hitched now that i was alone, and it was the one thing i hated the most...i still do, to be honest. in my room, my thoughts were my company and i was and will always be a massive daydreamer...but out there in the world, going solo was terrifying. i hated the judgemental irises that flicked from my face to my feet like hungry alligators waiting to chew me up. i wasn't fit for the public, so i stayed inside. i still do, hence my trip down memory lane.

i could've been waiting by the random bike stand for about five minutes, but it felt so long. my air was cutting off and my fingers scratched at my exposed arms to take my mind off the darkness swelling inside my personal bubble. it's so lonely being like this, because if the company isn't the right kind, then i may as well have had none at all. so many boys had come to me as i got older, and offered me their chests to lay against, their hands to hold me...but i'm like an awkward key. only certain locks will let me fit, and i just can't seem to find the right ones frequently enough. donghyuck was my special lock.

"hey," was the one word of light that dispersed the pitch black fear enveloping me in that moment. a simple brush of cold fingers against my bicep after holding ice-cream wrappers pulled me from my own head, and i was back. he popped that negative bubble i created frequently and smiled because he didn't even know it existed. "sorry, i know the part-timer in there and she tends to chat a lot."

if i was being honest, i knew the girl he meant. she was one of the ones who visited him from time to time, and she wasn't in our class anymore. she dropped out when she was fourteen, i think. i wasn't daft, and i knew he was adventurous...maybe they slept together here and there. it wouldn't have been unheard of or weird, but i never asked to clarify my suspicions. i kinda wish i did though.

the further i delve into these 'what ifs', the more depressed it makes me. he admitted he used to have sex whenever he felt the need, and it made me feel so...left behind? i think that was the case. regardless, we changed each other, and i made him a cleaner man while he made me a bigger one. i wish he could see me now and how much i've grown.

"renjun," he mumbled, passing me a chocolate ice packet and noticing i wouldn't take it while i stood in shell-shock. he ended up pressing it to my cheek and snapping me out of it, but that glee never faded for the rest of the night; the fact that he could disperse my despair in public.

"come on, let's go."

"of course!" i beamed all of a sudden, taking his hand with more confidence than he had taken mine when we started. "thank you."

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