five | familiarity

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a part of me thinks the ice-cream was a distraction or something. donghyuck tended to stare at me from time to time, but the first night we hung out was definitely what inspired my curiosity. i thought i was an ugly eater for a while, or that he was making fun of me somehow. but he wasn't. that guy simply loved to look at me.

anyway, while he guided me through the relatively empty streets, i found myself wondering how it was i could steer his attention away from me, and instead edge it towards a conversation. my particular personality type needed someone else to initiate conversation first, and then i'd be able to respond from there. but this time, i stepped out of my comfort zone for him.

"you know, people will wonder why we're suddenly walking around together," i had mentioned. i cared a little bit about that sort of thing, but not a huge amount. maybe hyuck did. "what should i say if someone asks? actually, what would you say?"

his golden, honey hair shone against the setting orb of light's glare, and his hazel irises picked up this almost supernatural glow when he glanced back in my direction. i still believe to this day that he was angel or something, because there was no way someone could be so perfect. to me, anyway.

"here's a coverup story," he joked, licking along his ice pop like a tease and winking, "tell them i kidnapped you and held you against your will—"

"be serious. i'm not exactly popular in this area for any reason, and you're..."

"i'm?"

i hated that he made me say it. that he played my words like a goddamn violin and managed to get me to confess to his popularity on our first hangout. "you're so liked. you're popular."

"mhm," he murmured, pressing the cold ice to his lips and smiling against it for a moment. "yet it doesn't make me happy. this place is so dull, isn't it?"

then why did you move? i'd wanted to ask back then. sometimes he said the most controversial things, or strange words that contradicted his actions, and i'd be left floundering as i never understood what he meant. "it's home."

"it's behind the times," he reiterated in a slightly more serious tone. "come on, you must know that the rest of the world doesn't live this way."

it made me angry. it sent a bubbling bout of rage to fester inside my core, even though i knew he was dead-right. i was technically the one being wronged as well which was the irony, and i should've been nodding my head in agreement, not stopping in my tracks to glare. i was just so conditioned and trained to accept that life like this was fine for me, and that i'd need nothing else. that the way i was was sinful, but a secret, and i'd never step through a college's doors. "then go back home. to the city, or whatever."

"can't," he groaned, and turned around to face me in the most charming manner. god he was so fucking beautiful, and i want so badly to just kiss him now and feel it again like it was new. "i don't think i'll ever leave this place."

"what?"

but he never answered that question, not even when we got so much closer. it was a massive mystery hanging over my head for the duration of our time together, and i never even asked it again. i don't think he would've given me a proper response anyway — he wasn't the type.

"you know," he smiled with intrigue and took a few steps back towards me, making my small chest expand and contract with anxiousness. he smelled of a lovely body spray — pine and lavender, i think — as well as that faint tinge of perspiration that i probably wore as well. i mindlessly muttered something back, i definitely remember, but i never worked out exactly what, because my seventeen-year-old brain was too busy gay-panicking over the fact that donghyuck was leaning in ever so slowly. "your ice-cream is melting."

what? i'd wondered without thinking clearly, and before i knew it, he hovered his lips over my treat and nibbled a small morsel off. my fingers trembled around the stick holding it up and my lips parted in curiosity. i was so foolishly obvious back then, and he knew it damn well. maybe that was how he had me on my knees so soon.

he never broke eye-contact in that moment, and neither did i. we sort of stared at one another and my previous irritation and anger dispersed like smoke to a breeze. he had once again reached inside my head and changed something somehow, or read what i was feeling. either way, i couldn't remain mad at the boy who so very easily played with my heart. i wish i'd had more experience with men before him, because perhaps if i had i wouldn't have been such an idiot for lee donghyuck.

"renjun..." he had whispered softly after swallowing that piece of my chocolate ice. but when i hummed for him to continue, he didn't. he almost snapped out of a trance of his own and came to his senses. when he stood back and eyed me up like a lost lamb, my whole body did that thing. that unhelpful and indescribable internal summersault that usually occurred when a hot person returned your gaze. like he found me cute.

in the end, he took my wrist again and tried to pull me off somewhere else, but i didn't want to be a doll. i didn't want to allow him to believe that i could be dragged around wherever one wanted me to be. "wait," i insisted, pulling back and feeling the melting dessert leak down along my hand and fingers. "donghyuck, tell me what we're doing. where we're going. let's..." i mumbled awkwardly and dropped my hands by my side since the ice-cream had long since ran up my arm. "let's be open here, or else we won't get anywhere."

"i'm not an open person," he'd warned, but i recall simply shrugging to that since it was a terrible excuse.

"whatever. even if it's slow, let's not rush whatever it is you're trying to achieve by coming to me. are you looking for a friend?"

"maybe."

"well, i'll try to provide what you're looking for. but i'm not a pushover, and i'm not stupid. if you want to take me somewhere..." i habitually did that thing when i flirted — tucking my hair away, "then don't pull. guide me."

his smirk was so unfairly sexy, and he nodded in agreement yet used no words to accept this deal. then, taking a few years off my lifespan by giving me internalised panic attacks, he wandered closer again and pressed his ice pop to my lips, allowing me to taste what he had. i suppose it was because i'd lost my own treat, but the wiser person in me knew he was already referencing the kind of relationship he wanted from me.

and it wasn't platonic.

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