eleven | behind a curtain

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something as domestic as shopping felt strange when it was with donghyuck. my chest was tight the entire time and i remember feeling a bit sick from anxiety. but it wasn't the worst sensation...because at least he was there. his eyes would run along the rack of clothing before meeting mine, and it almost seemed like he was looking for outfits for me.

"hmmm~" he was humming to the song playing. i think i tried to redirect my attention elsewhere, or else i would've back-hugged him in a second. he was a bit sweaty now, but so was i. so was everyone. "renjunnie?"

my focus was once again entirely on him.

"what?"

"help me out here, we're supposed to be in this together. pick something."

"i'm not good at shopping," i truthfully admitted at the time. in fact, my style has probably deteriorated since my late teen years. now i get around in tracksuit bottoms and t-shirts i wash every two or three days. it doesn't bother the guys i date though, or at least, they never admit that it does.

"you're..." hyuck blinked through the heat and cracked a small smile. a rich giggle graced my ears, and he pulled away a pretty cute looking sweater made of knitted, aquamarine wool. there were random stitches of teal and blue throughout it, and my heart seized.

"it's summer."

"autumn will arrive before you know it, and i think this would suit you." he pulled it off the hanger and held it up around my shoulders. the sleeves ran off my hands, but that didn't seem to change his opinion. maybe he believed i looked cuter drowning in my clothing. "i like it."

"do you?" i whispered, holding it from his grip and walking over to a mirror. it did look fantastic, i'd have to admit. fuck it, i still own it even now. i've grown ever so slightly since i was seventeen...or maybe that's muscle mass. regardless, i don't look so tiny in it anymore, and i only ever put it on when i'm having a lonely day with popcorn and a movie. nobody has seen me in it since.

donghyuck daringly wandered over from behind me and placed his hands on my hips. i hated that my reflexes played this game with me, but i pushed him off quickly and looked around. "we're in public, idiot!"

"nobody saw," he sniffed and pretended to wipe a tear. i'm nearly certain he was a little hurt though. there was nothing we could do about it, however, since he too openly admitted that he didn't want to get caught.

i noticed a pair of stonewashed jeans and a red hoodie lying loose on top of a rack behind him, and i arched my brow to question him. his reaction was priceless though.

"i have no winter or autumnal clothing, jun," he scoffed. "they look warm now, but soon they'll look like heaven. same with this," he touched the sweater in my arms.

"i find it's a waste, though," i'd muttered at the time. i swear, my sassy, bitterness for being wrong or outwitted was so embarrassing. "we wear uniforms at school."

"you don't get me at all," he'd sighed and picked up the clothes he planned to try. i thought he was mad at me now, and maybe he was...but in the end he still grabbed my wrist and dragged me to the fitting rooms. a young girl of about twenty was standing by them, and she gave us that look. the same one my dad pulled when i wore xiuying's clothes sometimes.

"we want to go in together," donghyuck boldly stated. my whole stomach dropped and my throat grew to be as dry as the sahara desert. he had absolutely no shame at the worst of times. "there's a party later, and we want to decide on the outfits together."

okay, a decent lie...but a little suspicious nonetheless.

"that's fine," she nodded and tried her best at a customer service smile. she seemed distracted as she pointed to a curtain for us, and i too wanted to crawl into a hole and die as much as she very clearly did.

"thank you~" hyuck chimed and pulled me along behind him. one minute i was being lightly shoved into the cubical, and the next the curtain was pulled and my back was slammed harshly against the wall mirror.

"what?" i hissed, eyes wide with most likely shock, excitement and no doubt a little fear. he almost grew in height now that i felt so small, and he loomed over me with this ambiguous expression.

"i can't believe how dense you are at times," he whispered, slowly sliding his hand up under my t-shirt and eliciting a low whimper from me. "i even asked you this morning for round two."

"i..." was all my mushy mind could even dream of concocting in that moment. i guess i was more focused on the fingers brushing past my nipple, or the thigh pushing in between my legs. sometimes being as young as i was fucked up one's priorities.

"so," he murmured quietly and leaned in to talk against my ear, "are we going to continue?"

"wh-what part of 'we're in public' doesn't make sense to you?" i toughened up to respond, but it came out as weak as if i hadn't said anything at all. his thigh pressed up again and sent shockwaves of fire straight to my groin, and that alone had me gritting my teeth.

"oh, so you want me to stop?" he flashed me his doe-eyed, pouty face. his lips were as plush and rouge as ever, and my brow definitely twitched from being faced with a look like that. he knew damn well what he was doing to me, with his hands running along my sides now and his breath near my neck yet again.

i remember thinking something like 'oh god, we're gonna get caught' and then my body replying to my brain with something along the lines of 'does a lifetime of shame with lee donghyuck sound so bad?'. no, it didn't sound so bad when my shorts were as tight as hell around my aching length. it would've probably sounded worse if i was sane and not hormonal.

i guess my thought process took too long for him, because everything was cut short when he pressed his lips against mine again. that same spark...that fire he was able to ignite inside me was lit once more, and i could barely even focus on reality. his hair in my fingers is still fresh in my mind, because it was the only grip he ever allowed me to have when we got like this...tugging and panting.

i want him to take my breath away again. i know i squeaked when he tried it for the second time...his sinful tongue. every panic button inside my head was slammed, and i wanted to say 'no, no, no' to it, because my annoying virgin thoughts were confused. but fuck...

when he pulled away to airlessly look at me, i knew i needed to cop on.

"open your mouth," he pleaded quietly, nudging his nose with mine and almost trying to coax it out of me. i shook my head violently like an irritated child, and tried to worm out of his grip.

"tongues are weird."

"you're not serious," he scoffed. "this is usually the part where you say 'tongues are weird, but for you i'll make an exception'." hyuck looked a bit frustrated, and i admit that maybe i wasn't a great partner to begin with for this kind of thing. but he put up with me, and i'll forever be grateful for that. "people do this to show affection."

"but..." i pouted, "but what if i taste weird?"

"the fuck?" he rolled his eyes and clearly couldn't withhold the fond and gorgeous smile he released before chuckling softly. "i'll never get used to you," was the last thing he muttered before squeezing my jaw and forcing my lips apart.

that was the last moment of my oral virginity before he shoved his horrifically perfect wet muscle into my mouth and feverishly licked along the walls.

i can't recall having many thoughts about this. just 'damn it, he won'. i didn't exactly kiss back if i can remember correctly, but i think that was more so because i enjoyed the dominance he instilled upon me. the way he sucked on my tongue or fought it.

he was so hot in every way, and my grip would loosen on his hair until he'd pull another stunt like biting my lip, just for me to tighten it again. i tried to suck on his just a little, but he was smarter than me...

he was faster.

i was a moaning mess in minutes, and i'm sure he had to support my body after a while. he kept whispering praises; things about how perfect i was. i had never felt so wanted before in my life, and i can't believe my seventeen-year-old self was naïve enough to fall for a boy renowned for hopping from person to person. it didn't matter though, since he was the only one i'd ever truly adored and i never opened my heart up to others again.

i hadn't been aware how far he wanted to take this at the time. he could've wanted to fuck me against a fitting room's mirror for all i knew, or the thrill of teasing me in public a bit was enough for him. but he did lower his lips from mine to start crouching down and knelt in front of me. his tongue danced over my stomach in a way i'd never even considered before, and his grip on my hips was so protectively tight.

"fuck," i believe i had whispered then. my fingers tugged harshly at his golden hair like i loved to do, and he sucked harshly on my nipples, alternating between them as he never wanted to settle on one part of me for too long. his head kept moving, lips trailing saliva, and breath hot against my skin. i was sexually frustrated to the max that day, as you can tell, and i started to guide his mouth down to the waistband of my shorts.

he licked a long stripe along my v-line before pulling away. "you're so needy," hyuck had giggled, and i swear my brain melted before reforming...just to collapse again.

"i-i am?"

"mhm. but i don't intend on going further with you today. we can keep going after we leave with the kisses and whatnot, but i'm not rushing you." his eyes were full of the utmost sincerity in that very moment, and as much as my body was probably craving more than a few kisses...he was right. my head wasn't up for the trauma just yet. he was exercising me slowly, and it made my cheeks flush then and there.

god, i'm rolling around on my bed right now and smiling like an idiot. i miss him so much, and i just want him to hold me like that again. to whisper those praises that made me feel so fucking needed. i twist to the side and come face to face with my current partner of sorts. he's asleep...probably passed out while waiting for me to stop zoning out.

he's good for me. he's waiting for me to open up.

but my heart is still stuck in donghyuck's hands which are trapped behind a memory from four years ago. i can't let him go and it both frustrates me and weakens me every day. sometimes i like to think he's my soulmate, and that we were destined for each other only for fate to pull us apart.

it would explain why i hurt so much still.

so i continue to reminisce, i suppose. his hand pulling me out of that fitting room so we could pay for the new clothes and leave. where he'd take me was always a surprise.

and i loved him for it.

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