eighteen | fruit pastel

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it was around five in the evening on that friday, and hyuck had said he'd come and get me anytime between then and six. i remember feeling a little nervous and maybe anxious, because this was like a real date in some ways. we were actually leaving these backwaters of nowhere to head into the larger vicinity of the town.

xiuying told me to lighten up, but that was probably because she assumed it was just a hang out with two friends. and that's when she challenged me to a game since our parents were out as well. now was around the time i found out how educated my sister was getting.

"here," she smirked with this all-knowing expression and handed me a fruit pastel ice pop from the fridge. we sat at the table together and i innocently peeled the wrapper to enjoy it. now, for those of you who've never crossed paths with one of these ice pops, they're a mixed fruit flavour and shaped like a slight pole. there are five colours stacked, and i loved them. actually, now that i think of them...i haven't had one in years. i'd love to go and find somewhere that sells them.

"here's the challenge," she suddenly then informed me that we were indeed in competition. i refrained from putting it in my mouth and probably sent her this entirely bored expression. she either didn't pick up on it or didn't give a flying fuck. "whoever can reach the furthest colour wins."

"ying, you want me to deep-throat a popsicle?"

"wow, so you do know about that kind of thing. i thought you were this innocent dumbass," she chuckled. she chuckled. i had never felt so offended before, because she was younger than me. obviously i had to have learned these things a while ago. and it took every ounce of my willpower not to scoff and inform her that i'd had a real dick in my mouth, not just childish ice pops.

"you go first then, if you're so wise about this crap," i rolled my eyes. she winked condescendingly and proceeded to put it in her mouth, unaware of how terrified i became seeing my sister do that. i didn't think it through at all. but crazily enough, she wound up reaching the end of the green colour, which was third...and then her gag reflex kicked in.

she pulled it away and started to cough, giggling in all her amusement about it. "try to beat that," she waved her hand dismissively. "boys could never."

"huh? why couldn't i beat you?"

she arched her brow, and then i knew what she meant. the dirty little cow. i eyed the ice pop in my hand for a moment and wondered whether i should've purposely lost if i was better than her, or beat her in this game because i was salty. "y'know, mouths are mouths. girls don't have bigger ones or stretchier ones just because they take it upon themselves to suck dick."

"ew, don't say it so casually!" she hissed and smacked my arm from across the table. how could someone who willingly showed her brother how far she could get a stick down her throat suddenly get all bashful once it was said aloud? she was a weirdo, and still is to this day.

"whatever. watch the pro," i smirked as if i hadn't had a heart attack on monday trying this before. a part of me wanted to prove to myself that i could do better than that. because i knew i just needed a little practice. so, i slid it in, wincing at how cold it was, and tried to reach the green at least so we could be tied. a sudden wave of fear hit me when that panic from that day started to settle in, and i was scared of choking. i was scared of it.

"aaaw, can't do better?" xiuying wound me up. she was so good at that, and i recall balling my free hand into a fist on the table and forcing the stupid popsicle down further. it hit the back of my throat like hyuck had, and my heart skipped a beat as i tried not to relive my panic.

"r-red?" she whispered in awe, since i had finally reached the fourth colour. i knew i couldn't reach the yellow without triggering acid reflux, and i definitely didn't want to puke on my nice outfit before going out.

i hadn't noticed a third presence due to my heavy focus, and soft clapping resonated from behind xiuying, making us both gasp and look up to find none other than donghyuck. he was wearing small shorts as usual, but a pretty t-shirt as well where one of the sleeves fell off his shoulder. it was white and brought out his tanned skin even more. he looked as effeminate as me, but i didn't care. i thought he was gorgeous.

"practicing?" he joked, although between the two of us we knew it wasn't a joke. i pulled it out of my mouth and felt a sense of pride consume me rather than awkwardness of being caught by him and watched by my sister. xiuying blinked slowly and took in his appearance, either stunned that he was a little girly as well or seeing his angelic beauty like me. either way, she shrugged it off and continued to suck her ice pop normally now.

"we didn't hear you come in," i cleared my throat, sitting back in my chair. "also, i won, ying. what're you gonna do about that?"

"what do you want me to do? huh?"

"first of all, don't tell our parents we did that."

"obviously, i'm not broadcasting that my brother and i had a deep-throat competition. what else?"

"wash my dishes for me tomorrow."

"asshole..." she groaned and stretched back in her chair. hyuck chuckled fondly and wandered around to pull me out of my seat. for someone so skinny, i always wondered where he got the mediocre strength he had from. "whatever, be back by nine. that's what mum said."

"yup. see you~"

"bye."

my oh-so supportive boyfriend and i exited the house causally and started our walk down the avenue before he lightly punched my shoulder with a snort. "you seriously played that game with your sister? renjun... you won," he started to cackle. i rolled my eyes and waited patiently for his laughter to die down, because there was never any point in chatting to him while he was giggling.

eventually we reached the bus stop after about five minutes of his laughing and five minutes of me trying to explain myself. in the end, the conversation went another direction, and this was what i really remember from this moment.

"y'know, i think i would be better at it this time. i just needed to experience it once to know how it feels," i uttered with feigned disinterest. he leaned back against the stop's pole, sweaty, exposed skin glistening under the evening light. i wanted to touch it, and right now i regret all the moments i didn't just follow my gut. i wanted extra time with him.

"i'll trust you," he hummed and tapped a small rhythm against his thigh. it captivated me for a moment before he carefully stood straight again and pulled me in for a peck to my cheek and a hug. "tonight, don't think about that sort of thing, okay? whatever happens, happens, and i promise we'll get there soon. but let's have a bit of innocent fun now, okay?"

i think i blushed a dark red colour because i felt bad for always pulling him down into the dirty gutters of my mind. he smelt so nice that night, and i ended up bringing my hands to his back i think, to return the gesture.

we waited for the bus like that until parting when we could hear it's rickety form wheezing up the road. he took my hand and pulled me on, and i knew then that he was right. because love and being in love weren't always shown through sex, and i'd come to miss these dates dearly when they weren't happening anymore. more than when we made love.

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