I wasn't sure as to whether or not I should post this here, or just post this at all in general. That mixtape is life! honestly #JESUSYOONGI this is going to be really long because i want to make sure I DON'T miss anything. This is also super serious and super personal, I am disclosing things I have never said to anyone. I finally feel like I can talk about this so here goes..

Why I'm into BTS;

If it hadn't been for Yoongi's mixtape I wouldn't be writing this. Two years ago I had only heard of BTS, and because they were leaning towards the whole hip-hop-group concept I wasn't into them. I thought they were trying too hard. Then Dope came out and it was pretty lit, I liked the music video and the song, yet there was still no connection. Fast-forward to the beginning of HYYH, with I Need U and I thought hey this is a great song, but I still wasn't head over hills like I am today.

A year ago my friend became a kpop fan even though I had been trying to get her into it for the longest, but she wouldn't budge. So, she finally became a fan and for MAMA 2015 she joined this group chat with a bunch of fans from the chat on the MAMA website. (Shout out to the Trash Fam) I few days before MAMA I also joined the chat, thanks to her. In the group chat everyone was hyping BTS so much, that I ended up looking forward to their comeback after listening to the first part of the album.

MAMA 2015 finally came and although a lot of people stayed up to watch I went to sleep and woke up at 5 and I don't know if it was destiny, or what it was, but as soon as I opened up the link on my computer and the live feed came on, it was time for BTS to perform. There come back was Run, and it was amazing. I fell in love with them, honestly!

Okay so I became hardcore bts trash and listened to all of their music even the cringe worthy one. I watched the episodes and the bangtang bombs. I BASICALLY CAUGHT UP.

BACK to the mixtape. agust d is pretty lit, but once I listened to The Last I knew he was preaching. So I went looking for lyric translations and oh god, there it was. The lyrics were very straight forward on their own. 

It began with talking about his depression, his anxiety, and his anti-socialness. He went to therapy with his parents and they said they didn't understand him and he said he didn't understand himself. Just reading this almost made me cry, because now this mixtape wasn't just Suga, or Agust D, this is Min Yoongi telling his story. Showing that we are all fucked up one way or another. I felt the connection, because I have been in that dumpster of self-emotional harm. Yet our only difference is that I bottled everything in, meanwhile he received help, but that didn't do shit.

He said "Min Yoongi is dead, I killed him" and that is the feeling you get once you have nothing left inside. AND if you have ever felt depression, you know what he is talking about. That sensation of emptiness that overcomes your mind, your body, and you know you're no longer yourself or who you used to be. You are far from gone. That's why in the end he said that sorrow created him. Truly if you have ever been in the darkest places of your mind, for a very long time, then your concepts and the way you view things change. Because darkness beats you, it destroys you, it eats you up and spits you back out. If you are one of the few that wins the battle then you know you're a little fucked up still and you know that because of this you see the world differently.

The part that gets me the most is the part where he says that the doctor asked him if he has done it and the song beeps out his answer and all we hear is suga say that he has. I have personally never been treated by a doctor or been diagnosed, but it doesn't take much to understand what he means. It doesn't take much to know that you have depression or anxiety when you either harm yourself, or attempt to kill yourself. Yet even the thought of doing it is a sign enough.

Laying in a bathroom floor, hiding away from people, I know this too well. SADLY ENOUGH, I remember the time I went to shower because even though I had a great day, I started to feel like shit, I started to feel depression knocking. As I began to get undressed my demons knocked harder and harder trying to get out. Ultimately I looked at my reflection in the mirror yet I saw nothing but emptiness and that chattered me. I was feeling ungrateful for always feeling like shit even though I had a such a great day. I left the water running and on that day the cold bathroom floor became my only friend, the only thing helping me hold onto my sanity as I let out chocked sobs.

I don't give a shit I don't give a fuck, those words he said to hide his true self. In my case I SMILED to hide away or offset whatever bitterness was popping it's head into my mentality. i DIDN'T smile for others, I smiled for myself because I wanted to be happy and I wanted to believe in my smile. I wanted to create a better version of me, one that's more approachable than the monster that's hidden inside.

WHEN yoongi says that he created this himself, that is in all honestly the deepest of all things. BECAUSE in order to gain the upper hand in any mental battle you need to understand that change starts with you, be it good or bad. Even when people put you down, when you are treated like shit, when you can't seem to breathe because of your problems, always remember that that power to change is in your hands. FIGHT IT! when it comes knocking at your door, even if you let it in, don't let it get the best of you. Find something to hang onto, friends, music, bts, a show, even a book. Find something that will for sure distract you.

I used to love drawing, but I no longer do it, because my creativity died out once I battled my depression. I can't draw like I used to. To win you need to lose something and that's what happened to me. Just like Yoongi gave his youth for success I gave my creativity in order to be free.

Suga talks about his greedy monster called success that he created by believing that success was his only way of making it all better and he explains the struggles of how they made it so far. IN this part is the only part I can't relate because I AM not famous and I don't know what it's like to be chained up by the standards of being an Idol. Standards that I am so proud of BTS for breaking. Since talking about mental health and things along those lines in Korea is like taboo. But I do relate to giving my youth away in return of getting a successful career, by doing nothing but studying and becoming the perfect student my father wanted me to be. That isn't living.

BUT once again like yoongi said, my fan my hommie my fam I hope you don't worry because I'm really okay now damn. I can say the same I am okay. Although I am still figuring out how to show and use my emotions, I am doing better than 5 years ago. I am still trying to learn to be with people and become more social but there is a part of me that still longs for the loneliness. 

IN CONCLUSION, I have finally come to understand why I CAME TO LIKE BTS NOW. I came to like them when they started to write their own music. I liked them because their music reached out to the audience, their lyrics represented what they were hoping to represent. AND that is the youth...they represented the broken, the hopeless, and the ones who had been destroyed by love. WITH HYYH ending I am sad that I didn't follow from the beginning but glad I joined in on the ride till the end of the trilogy. "Young Forever" was the ending, and ironically I also graduated high school this year. So everything is going onto a new chapter BTS, my life, my friends etc. Thanks to yoongi I was able to see that I like bts because they are human too. They have been broken too and they all have their own stories aside from the perfect idol world.

IF you like me have battled, or are currently battling, I promise you it gets better! I know that is what everyone says, but if you truly believe in those words it will get better. if you need someone to talk to I am here yo0o heat me up. I best just recommend talking to a doctor and just recognizing what you have. Although like I said the change need to be done by you and no therapist or medication will suddenly make you feel better. We all have a chance at living so lets not throw it away....

if you~ if you made it till here you're a real champ!!

8/16/2016