April Fool's

---

The sun was particularly warm on a chilly April morning, the golden rays bleeding through Malachi's curtains as he lay sprawled on his side with Adrian tucked under his arm, snoring quietly. Malachi smiled dreamily and curled his arm around his lover, tilting his head down to bury his nose in Adrian's silky blonde hair, inhaling the sweet natural scent of him mixed with his soft brown sugar and cookie shampoo.

"You're tickling me." Adrian mumbled against the pillow, eyes still closed. Malachi chuckled softly, reaching up to tuck a lock of hair behind Adrian's ear so he could kiss the soft shell of it and Adrian smiled, squirming beneath him until he was rolling onto his back and Malachi propped himself up on top of him, leaning over to capture his lips in a gentle kiss. He started to close his eyes when a shrill scream tore through the air and he jerked upright. Adrian sat up fast, whacking his forehead into Malachi's, both of them groaning and slumping back down to the bed.

"What the hell was that?" Malachi growled in frustration, throwing the blankets back and sliding out of the bed. Adrian blinked back tears of pain, more irritated than anything as he slid from the bed to pull his pants on.

"It sounded like Fos." He muttered, referring to the weather demon that was in charge of the main lobby. Malachi frowned, opening his mouth to respond when another scream tore through the air, this time firing up both Malachi and Adrian to hurriedly put their clothes on before leaving the bedroom, traveling down the dark Gothic hallway of their mansion to the main lobby where a large chandelier made to look like ice crystals twinkled red with a corpse that hung over the loops.

Adrian gasped, clasping a hand over his mouth and Malachi froze at the sight. Fos stood backed up behind the front desk, shaking and screaming at the body a third time before she slumped to the floor and covered her head.

The corpse was old, too old, and reeked of rotting flesh. A sweet pungent scent that made Malachi's skin crawl. He approached the body slowly, then stopped to see the puddles of blood on the floor. He scowled for a moment before paling, realizing slowly that the blood wasn't just in random puddles... but organized patterns to form the most dreaded words of the entire year.

April Fool's!

"Shit," Malachi cursed, clenching his fists and whirling away from the sight, "Fos, call Tiya and Miko in here to clean up this mess. Come on, Adrian." He took his lover's hand and led him from the room, and Adrian rubbed at his nose in an attempt to clear his nostrils of the putrid stench as he swallowed bile down.

"W-What the heck was that?" He managed. Malachi started to ask Adrian how he couldn't know, until he realized Adrian had been in the mortal realm visiting his mother every year around this time. He'd done it on purpose in the beginning, to keep Adrian away from the horrid holiday, but he had been so engrossed in Adrian himself that he completely forgot to send his lover away.

Now it was too late.

"Damn it," Malachi seethed in frustration as he quickly pulled Adrian into his bedroom, pausing to look up and down the halls suspiciously before he shut the door and locked it, turning to Adrian, who was staring at him, puzzled, "You're usually at your mother's during this time of the year and I completely forgot to send you there this time." Adrian raised an eyebrow, folding his arms over his chest as he watched Malachi run to the wall of windows across the room, pulling the curtains across them to plunge them into darkness that didn't last long as Malachi snapped his fingers and lit the tall Victorian lamps in the room.

Now Adrian was concerned. Malachi was never this paranoid. What could possibly be going on? What did he mean "this time of the year"? Surely he wasn't referring to Hades. Hades and Persephone had a peaceful divorce and were, in fact, voted the Underworld's biggest friend couple... something that still confused Adrian to this day.

A friend couple award?

"Malachi, what's going on," Adrian asked, watching as Malachi snatched a pair of buckled boots on, the kind his husband only ever wore when he was visiting his brothers, preparing for their vicious assaults, "You're starting to scare me. Why is there a body in our lobby?"

"Every year," Malachi breathed in a panic, pausing to check every corner of the room, even under the bed and in the closets, "Every damn year, April first is the darkest day in the Underworld for every one, especially the sons of Hades... and Hades himself. We need to lock all of the doors, Adrian. Put up extra security."

"Malachi," Adrian exclaimed, catching Malachi by the shoulders before he could run past him again, and he forced his husband to face him, "I'm kind of in the dark here. What's going on?" Malachi stared into Adrian's precious blue eyes, panicked as he tried to think of a way to explain it before there was loud splattering on the glass windows, making Malachi gasp and grab Adrian in his arms, backing them up into a corner away from the windows. The splattering sounds went on for another minute before it stopped. The only sound that followed was the soft dripping of rain water on the roof and window panes.

Malachi slowly released Adrian, ignoring Adrian's horrified gape, and crept across the room to the curtains, gripping them so tight that his knuckles turned white. He held his breath for a moment before throwing the curtains open and Adrian made a noise of confusion as he read the message splattered in blood on the glass.

"April... Fool's... mother-oh!" He managed, blushing at the colorful insult, and Malachi made a noise of distress.

"Son of a bitch!" He shouted in distress.

Meanwhile in the sizzly screamy land of Tartarus...

"He's coming any second now... I can feel it." Zelios said through clenched teeth as he sat at his desk, biting at his bent finger as he stared at the computer monitors set up on his desk, each monitor home to four small screens showing the security footage of his property.

Noe squirmed uncomfortably at his lover's dire tone. Zelios was normally quite calm and cool, could handle anything with a level-head... but not even Zelios could handle his baby brother at his worst. Even with two other brothers behind him, Theo was, and always would be, the obnoxious baby of the family. The one Noe loathed the most, right next to Cain.

At least you knew when Cain was coming, and even though Theo had an entire holiday to himself, it was difficult to tell exactly when the maniac would strike. He was unpredictable, crazy, downright psychotic.

And his pranks were innocent switching salts and sugars, or putting plastic wrap in a doorway, or oiling up the floors.

Theo's pranks were legendary. As a child, the pranks had been simple and sweet, child-like and precious, and though annoying, the Hades spawn were at least relieved to see their brother find some joy in something what with his abusive mother and all... but the pranks warped themselves. The moment Aria was tossed from the palace in Styx, Theo had put forth all his efforts into making April Fool's Day the worst holiday in the history of the Underworld.

And now, it was back. The wretched holiday that put Noe on pins and needles as he watched Zelios stare at the monitors, unblinking and chewing on his finger so hard that he was giving himself fang indents on his soft skin. Noe swallowed, wanting to find some way to ease his lover's worry, but he knew nothing would help.

They were doomed.

All of them.

Suddenly one of the screens on the monitor's crackled and hissed as it became obscured by static, making Zelios shoot to his feet, hands slamming down on the desk so hard that Noe jumped nearly a foot in the air, gasping.

"He's here," Zelios hissed, then snatched up his phone and punched the dial to connect his voice to the intercom out front where his stone soldiers lay dormant waiting for their summoning, "Rise immediately and stay on alert! Any sign of Lord Theo and I will have him brought to my office immediately!" The cameras flickered, revealing the stone soldiers grumbling as they shed their stone shell to take on their flesh forms, moving around in a disgruntled group to once again futilely attempt to save an already doomed palace.

"We should've chosen today to go on vacation," Noe sighed, then paused to fold his arms over his chest, shooting Zelios an irritated glare, "But you wanted to do it next weekend." Zelios rubbed at his neck sheepishly, his white and blue yukata billowing as he moved.

"I told you this weekend wasn't good... We just got a new shipment from Hesphaestus and Hades refused to let me leave." He said softly. Noe sighed and swept over to his lover, taking him by the hand to pull him down for a gentle kiss on the lips. Zelios relaxed at the kiss until something above them cracked, and both of them froze.

"Please tell me you didn't hear that." Zelios said, lips still against Noe's, muffling his words. Noe grimaced.

"I have a bad feeling." No sooner had he finished the words did the ceiling overhead crack, and a second later, plaster and wood snapped and cracked as it broke open, releasing buckets and buckets of glitter. It continued to pour until it had leveled out to at least two feet in Zelios's office.

The last few pieces of glitter fell down and landed on Noe's nose, making him wiggle it for a moment, his eyes closed to prevent little bits of glitter from blinding him. He sucked in a small shaky breath, then blew it out and shook his head, sending glitter flying to the glitter sea around them. He blinked his eyes open to stare up at Zelios, who stood there looking utterly ridiculous.

His tall masculine lover, long red hair currently draped over his shoulder, and his beautiful yukata shaking a muscular figure... completely coated in glitter that came in shades of hot pink, pastel blue, and god awful yellow. Noe swallowed at the colors Zelios really did not like.

"Oh... god." Noe managed, then hesitated as he reached out to Zelios's scrunched up face, wiping the glitter away from his eyes. A second later, those red eyes opened and Zelios started to speak, then sneezed so hard the glitter flew off him into the air, then settled back on top of him.

"You must be joking." He said in distress. Noe looked up at the ceiling, concerned at the damage for a moment before he caught sight of a silver wrapper hanging from a broken piece of floorboard. He stood up, plucked it from the wood and tilted it so he could read it while Zelios uselessly tried to shake the glitter off, only for it to cover him again.

"Eh," Noe said, trying not to be amused by the horrible prank, "Uh... It's... It's magic glitter."

"Of course it is." Zelios said through clenched teeth.

"Yeah, uhm... It only comes off with a mayonnaise bath."

"Sure."

"And lime juice."

"..."

"And... Nacho cheese?" Noe demanded, confused by the wrapper's instructions. Zelios twitched, grinding his teeth together before shutting his eyes, taking deep breathes to count to ten, trying in vain to calm a temper he rarely let loose. Noe gulped.

"Oh, uh. And it," he paused at Zelios's glare, "Uh... It kind of smells like cotton candy." Zelios's least favorite food. Zelios stood there, frozen with so much rage that he couldn't even begin to sum it up in words. So he stood there and Noe poked his arm.

"Uh, Zelios... Are you broken?"

"No, but in ten seconds, both of Theo's legs will be." Zelios seethed. Noe cleared his throat uncomfortably, then paused as a yellow paper landed on his face from above. He blinked and peeled it off his cheek, then blushed.

"Oh."

"What now?"

"Says... April Fool's... glitterfuck"

"I'm going to kill him."

In Elysium, land of the dick, home of the brave...

Abel sighed in relief as he finished signing the final allowance for the new souls expected to move into Elysium. He wiped his hands down his face, leaning back in his seat as he turned to face the window that looked out over the city. He bit at his bottom lip as the sudden urge to visit Cain overwhelmed him.

It was strange; Cain had yet to pop in and visit him, not even once today and normally Cain visited at least three times a day, surprising him out of nowhere, and yet it still hadn't happened. Maybe he was having withdrawal from his hourly dose of Cain. It was enough to make Abel smile as he decided taking the rest of the day off would be good for both of him.

He turned back to his phone and punched the dial to the front desk where Demetrius was probably lounging in a bored lump.

"Yes?" Demetrius asked, his voice soft through the crackling speaker. Abel couldn't resist a grin at the sound of the man's gentle voice. Abel felt that, if in another time and place, Demetrius would have certainly fallen into his grasp at some point. When not dating Cain, Abel had found that the quiet giants had always been his type. Nothing turned him on more than a bashful squirming man two feet taller than himself, not an easy feat. However, Abel knew his heart had already been stolen since the beginning of time.

"Hey, I'm gonna head out early today. You can take the day off, just make sure you lock up before you head out, all right?" He asked. The static on the speaker answered him for a moment before Demetrius replied with a soft "okay". Abel beamed and stood up, snatching his leather jacket off the back of his chair to swing on. He teleported from his office in Elysium to Cain's manor in the Fields of Asphodel.

The Fields of Asphodel was a large portion of the underworld overtaken by trees, and flooded with souls that wandered about in an eternal daze, reliving their greatest memories as they waited for reincarnation. A large barrier, however, kept them at bay from Cain's sleek modern manor and the large fountains that spewed in a pool out front.

Abel walked right into the front lobby, a small cramped room with only a couple of leather seats and several security cameras pointed directly at the entrance and the doorway that led to a small hall, which Abel took into the receiving room where Cain's black throne sat cold and empty.

Abel cocked his head, confused, as he scanned the room. Normally, Cain would be right there to jump all over him and shower him with affection... or angry retorts about someone. However, as Abel stood beneath the large old chandelier that looked like fake candles mounted on three tiers of metal rings.

"Cain?" Abel called out, then paused to listen to the silence. Concern swept through him as he made his way to one of the many doors lining the receiving room. He walked into the hallway that led to Cain's bedroom and the kitchen. Unlike most homes that were organized neatly, Cain's home was spotted with random rooms all over the place, to confuse people mostly. Abel could get lost in the home if he wasn't careful, but he managed to locate Cain's room and paused to press his ear to it, sending out his powers to search for his twin.

Sure enough, he picked up on Cain's presence in the room... as well as something that made a chill creep up on his spine. He knocked for a moment.

"Cain?" He asked. There was a pathetic whimper and Abel's eyes widened at the same time Cain snarled at him to go away. The door opened to reveal Cain slumped over the bed, trembling violently as he tugged at his cock, flushed face pressed against the bed. Abel pulled up short, eyes widening.

"Uh, what are you doing?" He asked. Cain choked on a noise that sounded like a mix between a sob and a scream.

"That friggin' prick, I'll kill him." He seethed afterwards, tears staining the blankets beneath his face. Abel tried to find it in himself to be angry about the situation, but he couldn't help, but be amused by the sight of Cain with his corset half-laced and slipping beneath his pert nipples, and his black leggings pulled halfway up his legs. Abel smiled.

"What are you talking about?" He asked innocently. Cain pinned me with a glare, then made a noise of distress as he struggled to let go of himself, to no avail.

"Theo," He shouted, making Abel pause, "That bastard cursed my corset, you asshole!"

"Why?" Abel asked, even more amused. It was so like Theo to go this far to make Cain suffer.

"It's April Fool's day, you shit!" Cain squealed, pressing down on the tip of himself, coming hard enough to where his voice cracked and more tears streamed down his face. Abel said nothing and waited for Cain to slump on the bed, relaxed, only to realize that Cain wasn't getting soft. If anything, he hardened almost instantly and Cain seemed to be actually crying.

"Make it stop!" Cain pleaded and Abel bit his bottom lip. He was an odd mix of extremely aroused and sympathetic. Although, he knew exactly how it felt to be desperately hungry and not be able to find relief, especially on the days Cain decided to deprive him after the curse Prometheus had given him to drink Cain's blood and become sexually aroused during the process.

Abel felt a smirk curl the corner of his lips, then paused when he caught sight of a yellow paper stuck to the bedpost. He cocked his head and walked over, plucking it off the bedpost, ignoring Cain's desperate pleas to be touched. He laughed at the message.

Dear weirdos,

you're welcome. next time i'll put chili powder on his panties.

sincerely,

april fools

Abel bit his bottom lip as he stuck the note back onto the bedpost and turned to Cain, who was still slumped over, tongue poking out of his mouth as if he were desperate to have something occupy the space. Abel moaned.

"God, this is the best April Fool's day ever." He groaned. Cain whimpered.

"You're assholes. You're both assholes... now, goddamn it, do it, please." He begged, reaching out with a trembling soiled hand to grab Abel's pant-leg. Abel shivered, but pried Cain's hand off his pant-leg to step back and Cain made a pathetic noise, slumping back on the bed again, reaching down to touch himself, but Abel waved his hands and a pair of cuffs caught Cain around the wrists and pulled him back sharply so he flew across the bed, his hands forced behind his back against the bedpost. Cain screamed in frustration, bucking his hips and panting helplessly.

"Abel, please," He whined, squirming and curling his toes into the blankets, "Please, touch me."

"Oh, I dunno," Abel mused, drumming his fingers on the bedpost, "You seem to always like teasing me when I'm like this and you don't want to feed me." Cain whimpered, slumping down and spreading his legs open encouragingly, like that would make Abel obey him more and while it was awfully tempting, he had more control than Cain did and he just smiled.

"I'm sorry, okay," Cain panted, moaning when I pulled at the blankets that brushed his sensitive skin, "I won't do it ever again. I promise. Just... ugh, gods, please. Please fuck me." Abel could've held out longer, but he wasn't as cruel as Cain. He wasn't going to leave his precious lover to lay there and suffer... at least, not for long. He stripped his jacket off and hung it on the claw hook on the bedpost before crawling onto the bed, leaning over top of Cain, who arched his hips up to grind against the front of Abel's jeans. Abel laughed.

"Remind me to ask Theo how he did that thing with your corset," He said, tweaking Cain's pink nipple and making him moan low in his throat, "I could use one of these for you on those days you piss me off." Cain looked up at him with uncharacteristically teary blue eyes and licked at Abel's chin. Abel shivered, unable to resist Cain's pathetic whining and squirming. He captured Cain's lips in a fierce kiss, grabbing his thighs and hoisting Cain's legs up, making him yelp. Abel licked his lips and smirked, leaning back.

"Thank you, Theo." He muttered before taking care of his twin.

At the Cerberus family dog house...

"Are you sure the kids are safe with Akin and Hannibal?" Cerberus asked warily, pressing his palm down on the dinner table, pretending Theo's skull was beneath it. Blaine nodded as he poured his lover a heavy mug of coffee, a smile spreading across his lips in amusement. He'd never admit it out loud... but he was almost disgustingly thrilled about April Fool's Day.

Theo was a sick masochistic sadist who deserved to have his fingers broken one by one, but if there was one thing Blaine loved about the brat, it was his ability to piss everyone off in the most amusing ways. He also seemed to be smart enough to steer clear of the Celtic faerie... but not his lover.

"You know how Akin is with kids," Blaine assured as he brought the mug over to push in front of Cerberus, watching his lover pinch the bridge of his nose between his fingers nervously, "And Hannibal is more scared of them than they are of him. If anything, that's the best thing we can do to the guy for April Fool's Day... Besides, Holly loves her Uncle Hannibal. Keros also likes the movies Akin puts on for him. And Ayo and King know better than to hang around the house during this time of year. It's just you and me."

"Mmm." Came Cerberus's wary grumble. Blaine just stepped back and watched with a sick smile as Cerberus took a sip of his coffee, then coughed and spat a mouthful of it out across the table.

"Ugh!" Cerberus glared at Blaine, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand and Blaine looked at him innocently.

"Did I mix up the salt and sugar? Oh darn. Silly me." He mused. Cerberus covered his face with his hands.

"I should've gone with the gremlins to Akin's. Akin doesn't treat me like shit."

"He does; you just don't know about it."

"Stop crushing my hopes and dreams."

"It's my job," Blaine assured, patting his husband on the shoulder before replacing the mug of coffee with a new one, and it earned him a wary glare, making him smirk, "Calm down, this one is actually sugar." Cerberus wasn't so sure, but he really needed the caffeine if he was going to stay awake and alert for Theo's attack. Blaine's pranks were gentle in comparison. Switching salt and sugar, putting plastic wrap in the doorways, and switching his shampoo with honey... His husband could be downright cruel, but not nearly as evil and menacing as Theo.

Theo had once set Charon's house on fire as a prank. Cerberus couldn't imagine what the little devil had planned for him. It was why he had sent his precious babies to Akin. Even though he was more than positive Theo would never hurt his favorite niece and nephew, he knew full well that Theo's pranks didn't always go as planned... like the time he caught Charon's house on fire.

He just hoped his own house didn't catch on fire. He'd just finished repainting the twins' room upstairs and gotten Ayo a new blanket from Bermuda. The last thing he needed was to get that stuff replaced. It sounded easy, being a god and all, but he couldn't just conjure it out of nowhere when he didn't already have it, which meant going shopping and taking Blaine shopping when he was in a bad mood was like...

Wait, no... Taking Blaine shopping period was a bad idea.

"So, what're we gonna do all day while we wait for the menace to pull his move? Shouldn't we try a little retaliation?" Blaine offered, leaning on the counter top and reaching out to tuck a lock of Cerberus's hair behind his ear. Cerberus frowned, sipping at his coffee in a way that reminded Blaine of an angry businessman-- serious and constipated to the extreme.

"No," Cerberus muttered, "Malachi tried to retaliate a couple years ago and Theo stuffed his closet with roadkill." Blaine's face screwed up.

"Roadkill?"

"Theo plays on our most disgusting fears," Cerberus responded grimly, drumming his fingers on the table, "Malachi hates dead things, ironically. Zelios isn't a big fan of flamboyant annoyances and messes. Cain doesn't like anything in general, so Theo gets real creative with him. Abel gets tired fast and hates dealing with Theo more than once in a day."

"You hate Taco Bell, Burger King, have an aversion to dog meat, hate switching forms, don't like when I steal all the blankets," Blaine paused, ticking off all the items off his finger and smirked, "Oh, baby, he's got you good. You're scared of a lot of things." Cerberus blushed, his red eyes flashing as he pinned Blaine with a dry stare.

"I am not," He said defensively, "I'm not scared of Taco Bell. I just hate the mess afterwards. Burger King tastes like cardboard. Dog meat is gross. Switching forms hurts my spine because of the whole three tails thing, and I get really cold at night. And before you say something about my weakness being dog biscuits or Bacon something, I resent that completely... everyone has a weakness to bacon." Blaine laughed, ruffling his husband's hair, making him growl. He withdrew as he glanced at the clock, folding his arms over his chest.

"Well, you can sit here and stew all day. I'm going to limber up before Ambrosius Skypes me. I'm helping him train for a competition in three days, so if you plan to disturb me... don't. I'll do more than take the covers tonight." Blaine promised. Cerberus made a noise of distress, getting up to follow his tiny husband into the living room, avoiding the toys that were still scattered all over the house.

"How can you just relax knowing he can come for us at any second? What if he rigged your stereo system to explode?" He asked. Blaine scoffed at that as he stooped and turned the stereo system on, making Cerberus flinch back from it. Blaine rolled his eyes as he pulled out his mat, laying it across the floor in front of the large flat screen and music player.

"Oh, please. He wouldn't dare attack me. It's me. He'd sooner prank Sept than me."

"He has pranked Sept."

"Fine, then someone he wouldn't dare prank. I don't know, Cerberus. But if you don't get off my mat, I might actually have to hurt you. Don't make me buy a shock collar. You're a heavy enough sleeper to where I can just clap it on you at night." Blaine warned, becoming steadily annoyed with his husband's paranoia. Cerberus raked his hands through his hair, then took a deep breath and sat back on the sofa, making Blaine narrow his eyes.

"What do you think you're doing?" He asked suspiciously. Cerberus frowned.

"I'm gonna stand here and watch you all day," He answered, then beamed at Blaine's glare, "That way, we're both safe." Blaine folded his arms over his chest and cocked his hip.

"I don't think so," He warned, "Every time you do this, you never let me finish dancing. You always start humping my leg." Cerberus made a look of mock dismay, placing a hand over his chest while his other arm was thrown back over the sofa.

"Me? Aw, babe, come on," He whined at Blaine's intensified glare, "I won't do anything, promise! No hands. Here, I'll even sit on them." He held his hands up and tucked them under his butt. Blaine frowned, then paused as Cerberus scowled, looking confused for a moment before he shouted in horror.

"Shit!" He shouted, trying to move his hands. Blaine stared at him for a moment longer before he realized what was upsetting his lover. He choked on a laugh, covering his mouth as Cerberus squirmed, trying to get his hands out from underneath of himself, but to no avail. His hands were stuck to his butt and Blaine doubled over, laughing so hard he almost fell to the floor.

"It's not funny," Cerberus cried out in frustration, tugging at his hands, "What if he jumps you too?"

"Worth it," Blaine laughed, clutching his stomach and finally slumping to the floor, laughing helplessly, "Oh my god, this is great! I need a camera!" Cerberus's eyes widened.

"No!" Blaine ignored him and went to the cabinet by the television set. Cerberus writhed on the sofa, trying to get up, trying to move his hands to throw a pillow at his husband, but it was no use. His hands were somehow stuck to his butt. Even worse, they weren't sticky and it wasn't glue, so how in god's name had Theo managed this? He'd been so careful! He hadn't touched anything today, except the mug, the sofa... Cerberus groaned miserably as Blaine emerged to stand in front of Cerberus with the camera, snapping a photo and beaming in amusement.

"Blaine! Seriously! I have an itch on my nose!" He whined, wiggling his nose. Blaine pouted.

"Aw, my poor baby... Two more pictures." He added with a wink and snapped more than two more pictures, making Cerberus throw his head back onto the sofa, shouting in frustration before he paused at the sight of something on his ceiling. He scowled, then hissed as a drop of ketchup landed on his nose and Blaine arched a brow, then tilted his head up before bursting out with a laugh.

"April Fool's, asswaffle." He read aloud, then laughed and fell back onto the floor while Cerberus writhed and cursed.

In the hot, hot, friggin' hot, land of Purgatory...

No fucking way. Ambrosius thought, staring at the small device in his hands as he leaned against the door to the bathroom, knees drawn to his chest. The small white device with a tiny display screen seemed to glare accusingly at him, a bright pink thumbs up.

This is impossible. He desperately needed to convince himself that it was a lie. He couldn't be... No, it wasn't possible. He had already been assured that there was no way this was possible. His god blood overrode most of his fae blood, and should have made it absolute... including his ability to get pregnant, and yet he was still staring at the pink thumbs up that assured him...

Yes. Yes, you are friggin' pregnant.

"Nope," Ambrosius decided, voice shaking as he shot to his feet and threw the device in the garbage, "Not pregnant. Not possible. No." That moment of denial faded into a moment of panic as Ambrosius raked his hands through his black hair, pausing to stare at himself in the mirror, glowing blue eyes wide with horror.

He certainly didn't look pregnant! He still looked the same. Even though he appeared to be in his late-twenties, he was actually pushing twenty-one. He was still young, still fresh. He still stayed up watching Disney movies with Thorn and Remi, still played games with Castiel, still danced in competitions...

Color drained from his face as he realized something. Could he dance competitively while pregnant? How ridiculous would that look? He knew for a fact that the other competitors would laugh at him. As if that wasn't bad enough, the prospect of a child terrified him.

He wasn't ready to be a father! He was still learning how to be a decent son!

"Ambrosius," Thorn's voice rumbled on the other side of the bathroom door, "You've been in there for a while. Are you all right?" Ambrosius moaned and covered his face. How was he going to tell Thorn? Was Thorn ready to be a father? He had no idea. He knew Thorn was a wonderful master to his servants, a wonderful guardian to Purgatory, and a fantastic brother, but a father? Thorn definitely had the right father to teach him and while Ambrosius had learned to love his father again, he still had to admit Hades was not the best role model in that department.

Ambrosius whined again and slumped to the floor.

"I'm going to be a horrible father!"

"What?" Thorn asked after a lengthy pause. He pressed his ear to the bathroom door, hearing Ambrosius making pathetic little noises that wrenched at his heart. What was he talking about? He hesitated, then stiffened with realization.

No way.

Not possible.

"Ambrosius? Open the door." Thorn commanded. Thorn received a whimpered protest, and he smacked his hand against the door, causing the lock to pop off and fall to the floor as the door swung open, showing him Ambrosius on the floor, breathing raggedly and shaking his head, covering his ears.

"I don't want to be pregnant! Did you see Blaine when he had Keros and Holly? Oh god, what if I have twins? Twins is a genetic thing, Thorn! Genetic! I can't take care of twins! I don't want to be a dad! I don't even know how to be a kid! By god standards, I'm still a teenager! Oh god, now I'm contributing to teen pregnancy rates and I'm another statistic. I--"

"Ambrosius," Thorn exclaimed, "Calm down. This isn't possible. Your god blood should be more powerful than your fae blood. Why do you think you're pregnant?" Ambrosius made a helpless whimper and pointed to the trash can. Thorn scowled, moving to dig in the garbage before withdrawing the little white pregnancy test. He stared at the pink thumbs up for a moment before slowly frowning.

"Where did you get this?" He asked. Ambrosius sniffed.

"Blaine. It's the pregnancy tests Hades used to send him and he had some left over."

"How did they get here?"

"I borrowed them."

"You don't borrow a pregnancy test."

"He can have it back if he wants to."

"That's not a thing you can do," Thorn deadpanned and Ambrosius just whined and mumbled something about being a stupid father and having a mentally disabled child, making Thorn sigh warily, "Look, don't worry about it. I'm sure you're not pregnant. If that's a possibility, then I can get pregnant too. In case you haven't realized, I'm also a fae."

"Yeah, but you don't take the sperm like I do." Ambrosius sniffed. Thorn shook his head and tossed the pregnancy test away, reaching down to ruffle Ambrosius's hair with both hands before cupping his face, leaning in to kiss him on the forehead.

"Calm down. I'm sure it's just a misreading. You're fine. Let's go downstairs and have a couple of po'boys, huh? And then we can practice your routine for the competition." He urged. Ambrosius made a noise of distress.

"Pregnant people can't dance, can they?"

"They can, and you're not pregnant. Now get up before I decide to spank you." Thorn warned, popping Ambrosius once on the butt to encourage him. Ambrosius blushed and bit his bottom lip at the threat, inching away as Thorn led him downstairs to the kitchen. No sooner had they entered, with Thorn summoning Remi to make them something to eat, did Ambrosius feel a wave of nausea so powerful that he didn't even have time to run to the bathroom. It came up before he could stop it, and he made a choking sound, causing Thorn to spin around to face him nervously.

Ambrosius doubled over and vomited on the floor, choking in between splurts, trembling violently and almost falling in his mess, but Thorn caught him under the arms and held him while he emptied the contents of his stomach, and Remi just covered his ears to block out the sound.

"Oh my god." Ambrosius moaned, voice shaking. Thorn hesitated uneasily, clutching Ambrosius's trembling form to him tightly.

"This isn't possible," He repeated from earlier, "Hades told us, and Lucifer... There's just no way."

"Sure, there is," Remi replied casually with a shrug as he waved his hand over the mess on the floor, cleaning it up, "Just means Blaine has some strong fae blood, and you have to remember, Blaine was also taking tons of medication prescribed by Hades. For all we know, Blaine could've just been really fertile and passed it onto Ambrosius. Besides, biology is friggin' weird. I'm sure there's someway... And for the record, I am not babysitting."

"I don't want to be a father," Ambrosius moaned miserably, making Thorn grimace, "I want to dance and eat candy and drink booze and oh my god, Hades is going to cut my throat open. He'll kill me. He'll never look at me again. And Blaine won't either because he hates you and he'll murder you Thorn-- Oh my god, they both will. My parents will finally agree on something and kill you and--"

"Please stop freaking me out," Thorn managed, "I can't tell what scares me more. Hades, Blaine, or having a child."

"Twins," Ambrosius stammered, grabbing the sides of his head, "Or triplets? I don't want that many kids, Thorn! I don't even want one! I can't believe you did this to me!"

"Me?"

"Yes, you! I told you I wanted to sleep, but you talked me into it--"

"Don't turn this on me! You're the one who didn't fight it!"

"Because you're like an incubus," Ambrosius argued angrily now, pushing Thorn back, "Don't touch me anymore!" Thorn glared at him.

"Let's not go through this whole ordeal again, because we both know that in the end, you'll be riding me all night--"

"Lalalaa," Remi sang over their arguing, "I'm not listening!" Thorn and Ambrosius glared at him before returning to their arguments and Remi sighed, looking up in irritation as Castiel sauntered into the kitchen, wearing only a pair of neon orange swim trunks that never should've seen the light of day.

"What're they arguing about now?" Castiel asked, coming over to lean on the counter top beside where Remi was cutting meat up. Remi gave him a sharp glare for leaning in too close and Castiel sheepishly withdrew a foot or two, rocking back and forth on his heels before Remi looked back at his work.

"Ambrosius might be pregnant or something." He responded briefly. Castiel laughed, leaning on another counter on his elbows.

"That's not real." He said. Remi frowned, turning to look at him.

"What'd you mean by that?" He asked. Castiel beamed.

"Theo, Ambrosius's brother. He gave me this toy that's supposed to give you a fake reading. He told me to slip into Ambrosius's stash of pregnancy tests." He responded. Remi slowly picked up his knife and Castiel hesitated, watching his reflection glint in the blade.

"Scuse you?" Remi asked slowly, his Cajun accent layered on thicker than usual. Castiel cleared his throat and slowly began to inch his way back from the angry Cajun shapeshifter, who continued to advance on him until Castiel yelped as he fell off the counter top and his butt got caught in the garbage can, so he was looking up at Remi fearfully.

"Tell me again what happened." Remi ordered in a low, threatening voice. Castiel gulped.

"T-Theo. Lord Theo, and cuz he's, you know, a lord, and I'm still enslaved, I had to do what he said, and he told me to stick the thingy in the basket in Ambrosius's emergency stash a-and that's all! I swear!" He exclaimed. Remi glared at him.

"You let Theo talk you into joining his April Fool's prank?" He demanded. Castiel gave him a blank stare.

"What's April Fool's Day?"

"I just," Remi started to shout, then paused to take a deep breath, slowly setting the knife down on the counter top, and he pinned Castiel with a glare that made him wish he could melt into the garbage can, "Stupidity would be an understatement to what you are infected with."

"I was diagnosed with ADHD." Castiel offered. Remi let loose a Cajun curse so foul that Castiel yipped like a kicked puppy, knocking over the garbage can and fleeing outside to leap in the pool. Remi watched him go, then turned at the same time Ambrosius kissed Thorn. He groaned, shielding his eyes with his hands.

"Okay, so... Lemme get this straight, you guys were about to kill each other and now you're making out in my domain? Come on." He complained. Ambrosius took a deep breath.

"I think I can do this," he replied, then paused to smile at Thorn, who smiled back at him, "As long as Thorn's there with me." Thorn kissed him again and Remi was more than positive that if he didn't stop them now, it would get downright dirty... in his precious kitchen. He cleared his throat, rubbing at the back of his neck.

"Uhm well, that's great," he said, then shrugged and put his arms out, "But you won't have to."

"How come?" Ambrosius asked with a scowl. Remi beamed.

"Theo tricked Castiel into switching one of your, uh, readers with one of his own design that... gave you the same results. So, congratulations! No one's pregnant!" He exclaimed. Ambrosius and Thorn stared at him in silence for a moment and Ambrosius sank to the floor on his knees.

"Thank fucking gods!" He shouted exuberantly, too relieved to care that his brother had played a prank. Thorn frowned and Remi raised an eyebrow as Ambrosius got to his feet, legs shaking slightly before he blinked and turned to notice Thorn wasn't as excited as he was.

"What?" He asked. Thorn shrugged, looking disgruntled.

"I was amused by the idea of having a kid." He admitted under his breath. Ambrosius appeared stunned by the declaration before smiling slowly, sliding up close to him.

"If you want, we can go upstairs and try again." He offered, though, more than convinced they were safe anyway. Thorn seemed hesitant until Ambrosius leaned in to kiss and lick at his throat, and he groaned low in his throat, turning to capture Ambrosius's lips. Remi made another noise of disgust, causing a column of smoke to encircle the couple, teleporting them to their bedroom. Remi shook his head, turning back to his attempt at beginning a meal.

He sighed, brushing a hand through his dark curls, preparing the meal anyway, to tuck away for later when he felt a strange tingle go up his spine. He turned to scan the room behind him, seeing no one for a long moment before he turned back to frown at his meal. He paused, leaning on the counter top and rubbing the side of his head.

So... If Ambrosius isn't pregnant... why did he randomly puke?

"Definitely not my cooking." Remi sniffed and returned to his duty, making plans to sneak worms into Castiel's bed later that night.

The Grand Palace of His Majesty, Lord Hades, God of Sass...

Hades knew Theo was coming before the demigod even showed up. It wasn't just the fact that he could sense his little son's wrath the moment his presence was sensed outside the front door, or the fact that he watched Theo taser his bodyguards, whom he specifically told not to attack the little red-head child. It wasn't even the fact that he could read Theo's thoughts the moment the demigod stepped foot in the palace, weaving devious little plots that he'd already pulled on his brothers.

He scared Malachi and Adrian with a corpse. Dumped enough sticky glitter on Zelios that he was bound to find it in his hair years later. Cast an aphrodisiac spell on Cain's corset, and made it so Abel would become exhausted at some point, causing Cain to turn the tables on them shortly into their fling. He somehow managed to get Cerberus's hands stuck to his butt. He made Charon blind for six hours, and Alexion deaf for the same amount of time. He gave Ambrosius and Thorn a pregnancy scare, then filled Nikias and Demetrius's apartment with pudding.

Oh, his baby red-head was on a roll this year. He'd also stopped by Lucifer's place and cast a sleeping spell on the archangel so that when Hades had shown up for a visit, Lucifer refused to wake up... leaving Hades not only irritated, but horny and irritated.

A mixture that would not bode well for his precious son.

Still, Hades forced himself not to beat Theo and throw him in the Acheron river. No, instead, he sat on his throne in a calm silence he certainly did not feel. He sat with one leg thrown over the arm of his throne, elbow on the arm rest, cheek against his knuckles as he stared intently at the doors to his throne room, waiting for Theo to think he was sneaking in to sit on the throne again.

If there were two things that aggravated Hades the most, it was A) not getting sex when he wanted it, and B) having Theo plop his tiny tush on his throne.

He didn't make this thing with the souls of the damned so that his demigod son could taint it with his stupidity... No, that was harsh. Hades had learned to tone it down, just a smidge anyway.

Truth was, he adored his sons. He loved Theo... he just loved him so much he wanted to keep his son safe. And a smile spread across his lips at that as he watched the doors to his throne burst open, and Theo come strutting in. He slowed for a second when he saw Hades seated on his throne, as if having seconds thoughts, before Hades's smile renewed his confident stride.

Theo was definitely a trickster god, one of the best. And the most attractive. With thick unruly blood red hair that fell in haphazard waves about a mischievous face with an impish smirk, and blood red eyes that promised a delightful source of entertainment for Hades.

"I was told you were out." He said, approaching the throne. Unlike most visitors, who stayed off the dais where Hades's throne was perched, Theo stood right in front of Hades at his throne, hands on hips, which were slightly cocked and his lips pushed into a concentrated pout, as if that would make Hades melt on the spot.

Unfortunately for Theo, Hades was not going to melt.

"Oh yeah," Hades agreed, still lounging calmly in his seat, "See, I went to go visit Lucifer, but it seems someone cast a sleeping spell on him." Theo's lips twitched, and he folded his arms over his chest. A gesture Hades had come to learn meant that Theo was trying to hide the fact that he knew why it was so.

"Oh, that sucks." Theo said.

"Unfortunately, no," Hades drawled, making Theo frown slowly as Hades slid to his feet and Theo took a hesitant step back, "It doesn't. There was supposed to be lots of sucking, but nothing because Lucifer was sleeping. Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard dick. What should I do about that?" Theo's face screwed up.

"Oh gross, I don't need to know about your gross old sex life with Lucifer."

""Gross old sex life"?" Hades demanded, making sure he heard right. Theo just beamed at him like a sweet innocent thing, but it was no match for Hades's already rising temper. But he had learned from Lucifer to take a gentle hand with his sons from now on... So he waved his hand and conjured something that made Theo yelp and jump away from him. He looked down at his clothing, then jerked his head up to pin Hades with a glare.

"What did you do?" He demanded. Hades returned his indignant glare with a smile.

"Why, protecting my son, of course," he said, feigning surprise, "See, what you're wearing is what the Christians would call a chastity belt." Theo twitched.

"Take it off!" He snarled. Hades shook his head.

"Can't do that," he said, then pulled Theo close under his arm, making his son squirm to escape, to no avail, "See, you're my precious little shithead and I can't let you get corrupted. Oh no. In fact, not only am I giving you this wonderful holiday gift, but I'm also going to send you to the least corrupted place I can think of... Nebraska." Theo fumed and squirmed in his grasp.

"No! That's not fair--"

"Neither is torturing your brothers, which doesn't bother me nearly as much as the fact that I went to Lucifer and no matter what I did to him while he slept, he didn't wake up... And that's pretty awful," Hades said in a low voice, making Theo tense as Hades drew him close again in what a normal family would call a hug, but Theo and Hades called the "constriction of death, "Oh yes, Theo. You'll be happy with this. It'll keep you safe." Theo made a noise of distress before Hades ruffled his hair and leaned near his ear.

"Oh yeah, and, Theo?"

"What?!"

"April Fool's." Hades snapped his fingers and Theo's eyes rolled up as he fainted and Hades caught him before smiling.

He wasn't really going to send his son to the mortal realm. He wasn't that cruel. But he was going to put a call in to the oneiroi and ask them to send Theo there in a dream state. The little brat deserved it for tormenting the underworld for the hundredth time. Part of him hoped it would teach the kid a lesson, but it was Theo.

Theo never learned his lesson.

---

A/N: Theo's awful and awesome. Also, don't prank Hades. Theo gets the prank genes from somewhere... and pranks and torture skills aren't good skill sets to combine. Words of wisdom. Happy April Fool's Day, everyone!