my thoughts are disjointed,
apologies, my love
so here are some truths, bedraggled and tired
or maybe it's a eulogy; how do you tell the difference?
even if i whisper them to you like lies.
don't blame me; it's the only language we ever learned to speak

1. when we lay at the bottom of the pool,
sunken and cross-legged on the tiles you liked to call mosaics—
they were dirty and wretched and ragged and sharp and i loved you too much to tell you even if we would both end up with cuts on our legs
stars in our eyes and water in our lungs—
we lived and you hated it every step of the way,
but dying was religious
holy, if you will
i held your hand
i pretended you were holding me back
that i wasn't the only one clutching onto a dying thing
and all i could think was how soft your fingertips were

2. when we bought flowers for each other
we planned it like that. what does that say about us?
and yours were rosy and red
the thorns cut my fingers and i said we were a fairy tale,
sleeping beauty, the story goes
but mine were yellow and white and orange and pink,
every colour except for yours
you cried afterwards and said mine were beautiful
you are the worst liar, my love
but i think we both knew it was because you hated them and were too scared to tell

3. when we made spaghetti for dinner
the flowers i bought had died and it was only yours in the vase
you were so happy
deliriously so
but somehow i knew you weren't happy for me—
did you like my pills? did they taste like freedom and salvation wrapped into one?
the flowers weren't dead before you threw them out.

4. when i threw the plate at you and you the mug at me
we both aimed for the head
aren't we so alike, so made for the other?
mine missed but yours hit
you always knew how to make me hurt
and i had blood dripping down my face
nose or head, you decide
but bleeding is the dirtiest love
i love you, i love you, i love you.

5. when i left my pills on your bedside
we pretended it was a mistake;
i told you, lying's the only language we've ever known
you'd give them back every morning
i'd leave them by your side every night
and we both pretended the pills weren't being taken twice as fast.

6. when we ended up here,
your hand is clutched in mine but you still don't notice
sitting in the bottom of the pool,
your body's starting to float
staring at the stars like we won't be there soon
i think you're already there, my love.
i'll join you soon.
—my apologies; a liar never stops lying
and you said you hated life
death is euphoric, though.
a severance,
a revival,
a reprieve.
but really, it was me you hated instead.

7. and here is my final lie,
this i uttered like the truth.
find me in hell, darling
i know you'll be there too.