Pls vote or I'm going to eat my toes🥺

also pls see the author note at the end of this chap cause it's kind of an announcement? It's just something that's gonna be happening, soooo check it out ✨okay anyways, back to the sad stuff

*****

Touya POV: - nine years ago continued.

My muscles went numb, the ghost of my words echoing through the room like a demon.

It was so instinctive to say, and that's what scares me the most. Even if my mouth didn't finish the words, my brain did.

The worst part was that it felt so natural in my mind, as if my sub-conscience had chanted them repeatedly in the depths of my heart without me knowing. What are you supposed to do when your own mind betrays you behind your back?

For as long as I can remember, love has always been the kiss of death.

In the sixteen years that I've been alive, I've never actually seen it, so maybe that's why I'm terrified of it. I can only base my assumptions off what I know to be true.

Dad doesn't love mom-or, if he does, then certainly love is not the beautiful picture that all the hopeless dreamers paint it out to be.

It's disgusting, abusive, locked around your ankle like an anchor that drags you away from the sweet surface of success.

For me, it was introduced as a punishment, an ultimatum to either do better and rise above my own challenges, or succumb to the failures the world boxed me in...

"Give up on being a hero, Touya. Just marry Violet and live an ordinary life."

His words stir in my head, only instead of the careless voice he originally said them in, now the tone was distorted. It sounded like the words of a monster-like the grim reaper himself was coming to take it all away.

One can't follow their dreams and also love. I cannot become shackled to my failures. I can't.

The cells of my brain twisted painfully in my skull, causing my eyes to squeeze shut with a grimace as I slowly released my hold on Violet.

We were still on the floor of the bathroom. Her becoming sick and seeking comfort in my arms feels like a distant memory that took place years ago now.

A sharp ringing drummed at the root of my eardrums, making reality narrow in a tunnel and shoot out of reach. I can taste the failure on my tongue in the form of bile, suddenly feeling sick myself.

"Touya? Are you okay?" Violet's hoarse voice croaked out from next to me, only further driving the truth home when those same words repeated in my head on instinct.

'I love-'

"You're just....suddenly very sweaty." She interrupted my growing manic again, causing my eyes to widen with a gasp as the sentence radiated louder.

It's like every time she makes her presence known to my soul, the words can't help but be thought. Nothing about the feeling appears new, making me realize I must have felt this way around her for awhile, but never allowed myself to be heard.

The butterflies in my stomach made a home there a long time ago. Her scent is forever etched into my nostrils. The thought of ever being without her terrifies me. The overwhelming need to hold her is stronger than it's ever been, and images of the future have become so far manipulated from the dream I once held.

Ordinary.

There is so much wrong....

...with being ordinary.

Her hand touched my shoulder, and that was when my mind shattered into a hysterical haze of white.

Feeling like an outsider in my own body, I smacked her hand away, looking at her with wild eyes as I scrambled backwards on the bathroom floor.

I acted as if she was the red haired, fire bearded, number two hero monster that haunted my nightmares every night.

"G-Get away from me..." I choked out, dropping my quivering jaw in panic when my throat started to close.

She looked confused-and why wouldn't she? Wiping the remaining tears from her swollen eyes before sitting up on her haunches. "W..What? I don't understand-"

"I said get away!!" I snapped fearfully, ignoring the bits of pain that shot up my back when my spine slammed into the door.

Denial tried to save me for the last time. Maybe she didn't hear it, right? Maybe she was naive enough to not understand how I planned to finish that cursed sentence.

But, one look in her eyes said it all. She heard it, she knew, and I've never felt smaller and more humiliated in my entire life.

Past the concern etched onto her face was a glimmer of hope, waiting for me to doom our fates into something forever connected.

Go on, say it.

Say it was all a mistake, that you didn't mean it. That you don't love her.

"I-I don't....I...I..."

All of it was babbles. The words left my brain coherently, but turned to unthinkable mush once they flicked off the tip of my tongue. It sounded like I was speaking a foreign language.

I was a computer with an error. Except, the error extends far beyond today.

The more I looked at her face, the more I realized I physically couldn't take it back even if I wanted to.

I was forever chained to the curse called love.

The cold sweat on my neck began to sizzle atop my grilling skin, causing a subtle sense of panic to set in on Violet's face now.

She eyed the sink as layers of light steam began to waft off me, holding her hands up almost in some sort of surrender. "We-listen, it's not a big deal. We don't even have to talk about it...if you...don't want to..."

We're past the point of 'talking about it.' Doesn't she understand that? Even if it was never said, it was in a way. It's not something we can just forget about.

Is that really what she's suggesting? That we just..forget?

Judging from my reaction, that seems like the most logical option-or, I suppose it would be for someone with a normal brain.

I'm emotional-too emotional, and it's disgusting. As much as I hate to admit it, my weakness is attachment. It doesn't happen very often, because few things were ever able to compare to the idea of my dreams.

But, when it does happen, I can't help but feel it all so deeply. More deeply than any other human.

That's why my heart clenched at the thoughts of just 'forgetting it,' driving me further off the rails with torment and confusion.

'Confusion.' I can feel my crazed, questioning mind clinging to the possibility like a lifeline.

My fingers gripped both sides of my head now as my skin began to smoke hotter, ripping the strands of hair straight from my skull in clumps.

Yes. Confusion. That's all this is.

I've spent so much time with her lately, I've forgotten my original goal.

It's not love, it's just a distraction. I'll prove it right now. I'll ignite the dream once more and get it back.

Watch me.

The muscles in my legs felt shaky as I forced myself up to standing, balancing on the paper thin line of sanity I had left.

Violet followed, trying to recover as best she could from whatever made her sad in the first place. I never asked her, and with my flipped switch of clarity, I don't have the capacity to do so anymore.

There was so much to say, but not a word came from either of us. It was clear from her face that her mind was panicking, running through any possible explanation that would call me down.

But, I didn't want to hear it. No, that's part of the problem. I've become too influenced by her. I've developed some sort of reliance on her presence. I need to break it.

Before she could say anything else, I threw the bathroom door open and stumbled out, hearing her call out for me in panic.

I tried to block out her voice as I ran down the hallway, feeling my eyes starting to steam and burn from how hot my skin was becoming.

Through dizzying vision, I found myself in the kitchen a few seconds later. My, already pounding, heart spiked to a dangerous degree as I saw dad. Every time I see him, I feel so panicked and rushed. Like I should have something to show for my existence.

Usually, self-loathing and failure enter the mix a few seconds later, like they have now. Only, I've never felt any of these emotions so strongly before. It feels as if they can't rise any higher in my body. That I'm only a single second away from just...exploding.

With each shaky huff from my mouth, a hotter fog of steam escaped it. The corneas of my eyes sizzled as boiling hot tears rolled past them.

Dad was leaning against the counter on his phone. Like always, his back was turned to me. He was yelling at someone, but I didn't know who, and I didn't care, desperately needing to make my presence known in any way I could.

Because, I'm looking for something. Right now, in this moment, I'm looking for something. I don't know what it is, but I know that my fate desperately needs it.

"D..Dad..." My throat croaked out.

He didn't even turn around at the sound of my voice, giving me the impression that maybe...he just didn't hear me.

But, I've become accustomed to being ignored. After becoming invisible for so long, I recognized each and every sign of neglect.

That's why I knew....deep down....he did hear me. He just didn't care enough to answer.

My lip began to quiver as he continued talking on the phone, deciding to address him by the title he was more proud of than anything.

Anything.

"Endeavor."

It felt like the name of a stranger at this point. His arm came up with impatience to silence me this time, and judging from the exasperate groan of my presence, he was clearly hoping I'd just take the hint and go away after my first failed attempt.

But, I'm desperate. I feel myself drowning, and right now, I'm just a son who's needing the comfort of his dad more than anything.

I've gone years without experiencing what it's like to have a father. It's become too lonely, and me too broken to die in the background any longer.

A single step forward from my feet made the floorboards creak. "I really need to talk to you-"

"My god, can't you see I'm on the phone!?" He snapped, instantly turning his attention back to the person on the line. "Huh? No, not you. It was just my son-look, it's not important. Anyways, about my credit card..."

Not important.

His eldest son is on the verge of having a mental breakdown, and he said it's not important.

What would make it important? What would make him finally pay attention to me? How much more can I do to make him see me?

I felt the tears clouding over my catatonic eyes to the point of blinding me. Anxiety burned a hole in my stomach, or maybe that was just my increasing body temperature. Desperation consumed me further, starting to eat away at the pieces that made up my identity and common sense.

On instinct, I walked over and yanked the phone out of his hands, quickly ending the call.

Finally, I seemed to get his attention. But, even then, his furious eyes were locked on the phone in my hands, rather than the pale sickness of my face.

"Touya!!!" He reprimanded, causing me to smile pathetically at the mere mention of my name.

It's been so long since he said my name with so much feeling. So much attention. Even if it was technically for the wrong reasons, a reaction...is a reaction.

"Do you understand what you've just done!? I'd been waiting on hold with the bank for thirty minutes and finally got to speak with someone about-"

"Come to Sekoto Hill with me!" I interrupted him too brightly, feeling the tears pouring down onto my shaky, smiling mouth.

He went a bit silent in confusion as he looked to my tormented face, instantly tearing his eyes away from the poorly sight as if he was ashamed of the disappointment I'd become.

"Huh? What in the world are you-"

"Right now. You and me, dad. Come to Sekoto Hill. I wanna show you...what I can do."

My last and only chance. I don't just want him to say yes, I need him to. I need to take him to my spot and show him that all hope isn't lost.

I need him to look at me again so I can remember my purpose. My true purpose.

But, my rapidly pounding heart already started seizing when he sighed tiredly, turning his back on me for the countless time.

"....listen, Touya-"

"I-I know you always tell me to stop training-but, I can't just give up!" I cried, lunging forward and gripping onto his arm. "That's not what you taught me to do!"

"Well, you should. I've been trying to tell you that for years now." He shrugged me off impatiently. "You're never gonna make it in the hero world, Touya. So why can't you just enjoy being a kid?"

Each word hurt more than a hit to the gut, knocking the wind out of me and forcing me to hunch over with grimacing eyes.

How can I enjoy anything if my own father hates me? How can I enjoy anything, knowing how much I've disappointed him?

The sobs wracked harder in my system, leaving me unable to even catch my breath and speak coherently.

"Y-You s..say th..at-b..but.......but.....i-it's been awhile since you actually watched me-"

"I don't need to watch you to know-"

"You're not listening! I really have made so much progress!-"

"No, you haven't!" He yelled now. "If anything, you've only gotten worse with this obsession of yours!"

Years of neglect and defeat weighed me down, causing my knees to buckle and hit the tile.

The worst pain in the world...is when the ones you love the most don't love you enough. When no one supports your dreams, they turn a blind eye to the blood, sweat, and tears that went into bettering yourself, knocking the shaky foundation you built under your feet out from under you with a single sentence.

I'm trying. I really am trying so hard....and he doesn't see it.

"I'm trying...." I choked out, gripping onto the ground as the world fell around me. "Please....I'm...trying, dad-"

"And I'm trying, too!-to deal with you!"

Ignoring the nausea tainting my throat, I stumbled back up to my feet when he began walking away again. "Please! J-Just come to Sekoto Hill with me...a-and we can work towards our dream again! Together-"

His fists balled tightly in frustration as he turned back around to face me, never looking so irritated with someone in his entire life.

"You need to get these delusions out of your head." He said. "It's not my dream. I don't care how hard you train. Actually, I'd prefer you stopped-"

"I know you see me as a mistake!" I broke down loudly now.

It was so loud, I heard the echo of my own words, convinced they'd settle as a ghost into these walls for eternity.

The silence that followed was even louder. Dad's anger melted away into neutrality, and that was almost worse. The only acceptable face he could have made at that moment was denial-that me being a mistake in his eyes was nothing short of outrageous.

From there, the only acceptable thing to do would be to hug me, because it's been years since I've experienced that from my dad. It's been an eternity since he told me he loved me.

Deep down, I don't believe he does, but...

Had he done any of those things-just a single one, perhaps it wouldn't have shattered the remaining sanity I had left.

I looked at him through wide, panicked eyes, feeling the emotions exploding in my system and pouring out of my veins like lava.

My whole life is meaningless.

With violently trembling hands, I reached my smoking hand out to him now, wishing for him to save me from myself.

"I know....that I'm a mistake!" I gasped out and clutched my shirt. "This body of mine....I-I hate it..and if I could change it...I would. But, please...don't give up on me..."

Still, he didn't react. He didn't grab my hand as it reached for him. He just looked at me like some sort of zoo animal, moving his lips but finding no words.

He didn't know what to say, didn't know how to talk to me. How could he know, when he spent so much time ignoring me?

I'm just a stranger to him. Yet, he's my whole world.

Feeling too hot inside now, I started fanning my shirt, fighting through it and stumbling towards the front door.

"Touya-"

"You don't have to say anything now." I cut him off, more afraid of what he would say. "I'll be at Sekoto Hill....waiting for you."

Part of me didn't even want to go to Sekoto. But, since he never stopped me, all I could do was look back at him one more time...

"If you love me, dad....you'll be there."

He simply looked at me like a deer in the headlights, sighing tiredly and lowering his head as a response.

My face scrunched up in a silent sob once I turned around and walked out, already making a run for the front gate.

But, I didn't get more than a few steps when I felt a grip on my arm, hearing the sizzle of the person's skin.

"Touya, wait!-" Violet yelled, making my eyes widen as I realized it was her hand that was burning.

I shrugged her off quickly and stumbled further to the gate, unable to look at her this time. "N-No. No more waiting. All I've done my whole life is wait for him to notice me. I can't take it anymore."

She ran a few steps ahead of me and tried to block my path, waving her arms around to make herself bigger.

Out of everyone in the house, she's the only one who tried to stop me.

Easily, I shrugged her aside, pushing the front gate open and exiting the house altogether.

But, she was persistent, catching my wrist and hissing from the heat.

"You don't need him!-"

"Yes, I do-"

"No, you don't-"

"I need him to love me, Violet!!!" I cried loudly, ripping my wrist from her grasp once more.

Out of instinct, I turned around to look at her now, feeling my chest squeeze painfully at the sight.

Because that look I crave so badly, it's all over her face. But, my sick mind whispers lies into my head, lies I can't control that try to convince me it's not enough.

I wish it could be. I don't want to hurt anymore.

My eyes squeezed shut with a fresh batch of tears, backing up to create much needed distance from her.

"This is the only thing left I can think to do..." I whispered hopelessly. "You're better off without me, Violet. I'm just a mistake."

The filling steam in my skull made her voice come out fuzzy. She was talking, but I no longer had the capacity to hear it, feeling a sense of panic as I instantly took off for Sekoto Hill.

I could hear her panicked cries and footsteps running after me, but I ran faster, until the sound of them faded into nothing.

Violet POV:

"You're not a mistake!!!! Do you hear me? You're not a mistake, Touya!!"

My lungs hit a burning plateau after only a few minutes of running after Touya.

Never in my life had I run so fast. But, he wasn't himself. He was hyped on adrenaline, and I've lived with him long enough to know he'd entered one of his episodes.

What kind of episode? I don't know. Endeavor tends to glide over any mental health issues that Touya could have, but it's fairly obvious his mind works differently.

Though, I've never seen one this bad before. While I'm always concerned for him when he gets like this, at the moment, I'm legitimately terrified.

He's not in the right mind to run off on his own like that.

Tears of panic clouded my vision as Touya's sprinting frame got too far out of my sight, making me realize it was hopeless to try and match his pace.

It would waste too much time. I need something quicker.

Looking around, I saw I was only a few blocks from the house. In all the panic of Touya's breakdown, I didn't take my phone.

"Fuck..." I cursed unnaturally, digging my fingers in the roots of my hair anxiously.

Touya's fight with his dad easily reached every part of the house. There wasn't a soul inside who didn't hear everything, even if they all had been hiding in their rooms. While it might not seem like the best thing to do, without a phone to call the police, I need to go back.

At the end of the day, Touya's family loves him. They don't understand him, so maybe they don't realize just how far he fell off the deep end.

But, for his best interest, they need to be perfectly aware.

Squeezing my eyes shut in physical pain, I forced my burning legs to sprint all the way back to the house, feeling the weight of mom's death still dragging me backwards.

It was only an hour ago my life just got turned upside down. I physically don't think I can survive the loss of another person in a single day.

A tragedy such as that...would change me forever.

My body felt like collapsing by the time I reached the house, avoiding the sight of my mom's items still tucked away at the mailbox in the corner of the front yard.

I can't bear to look at it...or even pick it up.

Instead, I threw the front door back open, looking wildly around the kitchen for Mr. Todoroki.

To my surprise, he was still there. To my, even bigger surprise, he was sitting at the kitchen table, pinching the bridge of his nose anxiously.

So, he didn't just brush the conversation off as nothing? It affected him, too, even if Touya didn't know it?

Normally, I'd be terrified to say a simple 'hello' to Endeavor. But, right now, adrenaline overpowered my fear as I marched right up to him.

"You need to go to Sekoto Hill right now, Mr. Todoroki."

Sensing another fly coming to buzz in his ear, he momentarily froze, letting his hand slide off his face a few seconds later in annoyance. "Since when did you have permission to speak to me that way, little girl-"

"Your son is in danger!" I persisted, balling my sweaty fists tightly.

Mr. Todoroki waved me off tiredly, rising to his feet to try and escape the problem. "He's fine. This is just him being dramatic like always. He'll be back tonight, jarring that same crap all over again."

My stomach festered more aggressively with nerves as he started walking away. Conflict has always been my biggest fear. Creating it with someone as terrifying as Endeavor made me want to throw up again.

But, for Touya...

"Please trust me when I tell you....this time...is different." I persisted, making the bold decision to follow him around the kitchen.

He glanced back slightly when he saw the ugly duckling on his tail, becoming more irritated with my unusual pushing.

"No, it's not-"

"Yes, it is-"

"I said, it's not-"

"Touya needs help!" I finally blurted out, speaking the elephant that's been in the room for years.

His steps came to a full halt at my words, keeping his back to me. I couldn't decipher his mood from that, but it didn't matter. Now is not the time to mince words. "I...I know you don't want to hear it. But, he needs help, sir. M..Mental....help."

The silence in the room was so unsettling, it made a shiver run down my spine. I didn't know what he was thinking. I couldn't read his reaction.

I didn't even care what the consequences would be for overstepping. As long as Touya's safe and okay, I'll take any punishment.

Now he knows. The naive child in me thought it would be enough to have him running for that hill after his son.

The reality of his thought process knocked that child right out of me, aging my soul an extra ten years.

"How dare you." He seethed out, slowly turning around to loom over my frame. "My children do not need 'help.' They're fine. Touya is fine."

My jaw dropped blankly in surprise to such a poor response, wondering how someone as powerful as Endeavor could be so dense.

But, then, I looked at his face...

...to see he's actually not dense at all-or, clueless, I should say.

His features were painted with crumbling defeat and frustration. Shame...

It's not that he doesn't understand Touya's sickness. It's that he's embarrassed about it. Embarrassed about which part? I don't know. But, the situation is clearly a vulnerable thorn in his side, one he's tried to ignore for literal years, in hopes it would just...go away.

But, the mind is fragile. Neglecting its sickness won't cure it. That will only make it worse, until it finally rots at the core.

Perhaps I didn't go about this the right way. Maybe I could have chosen my words better in a way that would make Endeavor get it.

But, time was running out and my fear for Touya's life made me lose points for presentation.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of." I backtracked too late. "My-my...mom always told me that...choosing to get help is actually an act of bravery-"

"I don't wanna hear any of Carla's bullshit philosophies." He snapped, arms muscles tensing as it almost looked like he wanted to hit me. "And what about you, huh?! The only damn reason I agreed to house you here was so you could make him stop talking about all this hero nonsense."

"But-"

My soul practically left my body when he gripped onto the collar of my shirt now, yanking me forward roughly. "If you can't even do such a menial job, then why are you here?"

"I'm just trying to help!-"

"By saying my son's inept!? No, you've crossed the line, kid!" He practically spat in my face, making me grimace.

Since when did mental health challenges mean 'inept?'

His dark glare dared me to bite back. If I had anything left to say, I would have. But, how can I help Touya's family understand when they don't want to listen?

He took my silence as defeat, shaking his head at me with dismissal. "You know what? Just forget the marriage to my son. I don't want it anymore. It's all a failure anyways, and I'll find him someone better. The moment your mother comes back, I never want to see either of you in my house again."

Clearly, he hadn't gone to the mailbox, yet.

With fresh wounds being torn even deeper, I simply nodded in tearful silence. It wasn't the time to bring up my mother. That would only cause more time to be wasted.

My mother's dead. Touya's still alive. One of those things I can't ever fix. The other, I might have a chance to save.

Trying to keep myself together, I turned on my heel without a word and left the kitchen, making a direct beeline for Fuyumi's room.

The noise cancelling headphones sat firmly on her head as she tried to read a book. Natsuo was also here on the beanbag in the corner, playing a game on his laptop.

With quiet tears running down my cheeks, I pulled the headphones off Fuyumi's head and nudged Natuso's laptop with my foot.

They both looked up at me tiredly, giving the impression they already knew it wasn't a good day in the house.

"I think Touya's...in trouble." My voice wavered, wiping the tears that flooded my cheeks. "Can you guys please come with me to calm him down? I'm sure he'd rather have his family there than me."

I had hope that his siblings would jump at the opportunity to help, feeling it crumble to ash when both of them remained seated in place.

"He pushes me away so much, Violet." Fuyumi closed her book, running an anxious hand through her hair. "I've....well, I've found it's just best to let him handle this stuff on his own..."

"I'm afraid he'll just yell at me again." Natsuo chimed in, looking at his computer screen with a slight pout.

I looked between the two of them in silence, feeling sick to my stomach at the way everyone was just brushing this aside.

...brushing Touya aside.

No one understands the severity of the situation...because they don't understand Touya. From the moment Shouto was born, his relationships with his siblings tanked. Now, it's years later and they find it's best to just brush it off and look the other way.

Can you blame them?

Fuyumi and Natsuo's are kids-and scared ones at that. Touya's not the only one suffering in this house. I understand that. From their perspective, their eldest brother is just a boy crying wolf. His outbursts have always been a common thing around here, and yes, so far...he has always come back.

But, what if he doesn't come back one day?

Tomorrow's never guaranteed. I learned that the hard way.

Mom's death still shook me to the core, but I pushed it away, inhaling a deep sigh to try and salvage the family I had left. "Guys, he really needs you right now. Please-"

"H-He gets like this a lot, Violet." Fuyumi's voice cracked, unable to meet my eyes as she looked to her closed book sadly. "I know it hurts, but....don't worry. He always comes back."

My hope began to dwindle as I looked between her and Natsuo, seeing the defeated survival mode painted on their grave faces.

In a house of hell, it's everyone for themselves. That's the only way to survive and preserve their minds from the trauma...even a little bit.

I shouldn't blame them, but I can't help it. Because they have a chance to be a family right now-something I'll never have again.

And they're wasting it.

The weight of my shoulders fell from disappointment as I slowly backed away, feeling betrayal coat my voice as I approached the door in heavy silence.

"You're both...just a bunch of disappointing cowards."

I gave them one last chance as I cracked the door open, looking back to see both of them staring bleakly at the floor.

Never in my life had I ever insulted Fuyumi or Natsuo. Heck, I rarely insult anyone.

But, after the day I've had, this moment hit me deep in my soul. Unlike my mother, they have a living, breathing brother who can still be saved.

Yet, they've basically abandoned him.

No matter what happens after this day, I won't forget it. I can't help but see them in a different light. Selfishness lies in everyone, I suppose.

Their guilty grimaces were the last thing I saw as I closed the door, standing in the dark hallway alone.

Touya's in trouble. And, no one but me seems to care.

His reassuring touch from an hour ago ghosted my skin. He helped me earlier today. Even if he'll never know it, he did so much more than he understands.

Now, it's time I do the same. I can't abandon him in his most dire moment.

The panic set in as I gripped the wall and closed my teary eyes to compose myself, reflecting on the last conversation he had in this home...

"If you love me, you'll be there."

Heart-wrenching desperation. A cry for help.

He was speaking to his dad and referring to Sekoto Hill.

The crack in his voice hurt me. The look on his face spoke a language his father couldn't understand.

But...

"I understand, Touya..." I murmured hoarsely, clutching my chest.

He wasn't here, but I could feel his pain. My heart squeezed, and I knew that wherever he was right now, his own followed the action.

There's only one thing left I can do for you, Touya.

I just hope it's enough.

***********

Thank you for reading! I'm just letting you guys know that after this story is over (and depending on how Shouto's book is received) I will probably be switching to Ao3 full time instead of here. Since interaction is low and many people aren't on wattpad as they used to be, I feel it's a good time for a switch. Obviously, Ao3 is free so you guys can follow me there if you want! :)