Jan 2022 Author's Note: I did not realize this chapter would affect people the way it did, otherwise I would have put a trigger warning to begin with (you know I am big on trigger/mature warnings, so trust I mean this). After receiving a few messages from different people, I am putting a trigger warning for GRIEF right now.

For those who have lost loved ones, I did not mean to bring up old wounds. I was thinking about this chapter from Violet's perspective, but after hearing some of your stories, I apologize if you had to re-live anything through this chapter. That was never my intention and I feel very bad 💔. Please be mindful this chapter contains heavy grieving.

Top pic of Violet made by frostbyte1109 This picture is incredible!! If you guys want a higher res version, go to their deviant art: https://www.deviantart.com/frostydraws1109/art/It-Gets-Better-903081567

"Sometimes, we aren't meant to get over someone, and we go on living a little bit emptier."
Leo Christopher.

Violet POV:

Tuesday.

It's a day that's not popular to most, not dreadful enough to be called Monday...but, also not exciting enough to be called Friday. Hell, it's not even memorable to be called Wednesday and mark the middle of the week.

No. Tuesday is just Tuesday. Boring. Uneventful. The day most forgotten by people as time goes by. When weeks turn to months, and months turn to years, who really ever remembers one, specific Tuesday?

I do. Or, at least, I have for the last eight years.

But that streak was broken yesterday, because yesterday wasn't The Day. Yesterday...was just....Tuesday.

I didn't think about the upcoming day, months prior, the way I normally do. I didn't hear the flashbacks of shriek and cries bleeding into my eardrums so vividly. My body didn't wake up in the usual cold sweat and choking breaths. My mouth didn't scream for him the way it always did. My muscles never shut down and drowned in their grief, too broken to even get up to grab a glass of water.

And most of all, my brain didn't remember the saddest, most important day of my life when it was supposed to, making the realization hit me like a bus.

The realization...that I forgot. I forgot him.

I forgot.....I forgot...I....

How? How could I forget? He crosses my mind every other day of the year. That's not even an exaggeration. For the last eight years, Touya has always crossed my mind at least one time a day. Whether it was a fleeting memory...a conversation we had....a meal...anything. Significant. Insignificant. It didn't matter. He was always on my mind.

I made sure he was always on my mind. I made sure I wouldn't be allowed to forget him.

Because I don't wanna forget him. I never want to forget how wonderful he was.

But, you did. Not only did you forget him, but you forgot him on the most important day.

The loud splashes of the rain outside faded in my eardrums, making me barely register that I was still standing on the balcony, talking to Natsuo. Or, at least, I was supposed to be talking to Natsuo. I don't know how much time has passed since he unintentionally dropped the bomb of my fuck up.

I don't know anything anymore. My perception of time completely cracked and crumbled into nothing. The grief of yesterday hit me full force now, only this grief was now worse because it was mixed with an immense amount of guilt and self-betrayal.

Because, how could I fucking forget?

The outside world began to fade from my vision as my mind took itself as prisoner. The phone in my hand began to tremble and I was so sure I'd stopped breathing for good when my throat closed up completely. My muscles went numb and my face had gone catatonic, because how could I forget him? What the hell is wrong with me?

I can't forget him. I can't ever let myself forget him. I'm too afraid to let him go.

"Violet?" I barely heard Natsuo say from the other end of the line, causing warm tears to immediately break past my lids and down my cheeks.

I need to get off the phone with him. I need to be alone. I need to be away. From everyone.

How I managed to even form words, I wasn't sure. My brain had shut down. I don't know what I was even saying, or thinking. But, somehow the autopilot in my mind made it work.

"I..I'm here," I said to Natsuo blankly, trying to end this quickly now so he didn't think anything was wrong. "I...um....I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to come over yesterday. I was busy with work. That's all."

Oh. You lie so good now, don't you? What's wrong, Violet? You don't wanna tell Natsuo you forgot all about his brother's horrible death, because you were too busy fucking the enemy to remember?

Because that's the truth. You always love to tell the truth? What's stopping you now?

Natsuo let out a sigh of relief for my words, mistakenly thinking everything was fine as his voice dialed down.

"That's alright, I know you're busy. I was just worried because you weren't returning anyone's calls. As long as you're okay." He said reassuringly, causing a silent whimper to clog up my throat at the lies he was believing.

My blank face scrunched up in attempted pain, but my muscles felt broken and making me grimace instead.

I dropped the phone from my ear for a second as more empty tears fell down my cheeks, lifting my trembling arm back up a few moments later to try and finish the conversation.

"I'm okay." I practically whispered, wondering if this would be the day my heart finally stops beating in this very spot. "I promise. I'm okay."

No, I'm not okay. But, I deserved not to be for what I've done.

"Good," Natsuo sighed tiredly, "well...we saved you a candle for the vigil. I'll put it away for you whenever you're able to come over. It'll be in the drawer near the kitche-"

"Can I come over now?" I asked in monotone, looking out into the pouring rain and seeing no end.

Natsuo was quiet for a moment at my abrupt question, causing me to quickly add on to the sentence so he would think I'm fine.

"It's just....I was planning to come over today, anyways. That's why I ask." I followed up, feeling physically sick from the second batch of lies that poured from my mouth.

Liar. Sick liar. You weren't planning to come over at all. You were going to continue forgetting and spend the day with Dabi.

But, Natsuo trusts me. Good, little Violet wouldn't have any reason to lie to him, after all.

"Of course you can come over, Vi. You never have to ask." He reassured softly, clearing his throat to rid the remaining tears from it. "Too bad I couldn't have known earlier, or I would have taken the day off from school to be here. Fuyumi's gotta get back to work. Agh, no one's gonna be home. No one's gonna be here to help you through it. Wanna come another day?"

I'm glad no one will be there. I want to be alone.

"That's alright. I'll come now," I uttered emptily, not bothering to wipe the tears off my face as I stared into space. "I should have called. I should have remembered."

Natsuo let out a light chuckle at my words, yet the cheery air bounced right off me and into the void of rain ahead.

"Hey, don't worry about it, Vi. Just cause you didn't remember to call doesn't mean you should beat yourself up about it. We were just worried about you. You and...him. Well, you were closer to him than his own siblings were. You were the only one he really talked to. I know how hard this hits you, too. That's why everyone was checking in." He explained, causing me to bite the inside of my cheek to stop from whimpering audibly.

I tasted blood in my mouth a few moments later, not realizing how hard I was biting. But, it didn't matter anyways. I didn't feel it. I didn't feel anything.

"Thank you, Natsuo." I whispered, ignoring the chilly cold air that ran straight to my bones. "I'll be over within the hour."

He had agreed and said his own goodbyes, yet I didn't hear them anymore. I only heard the triple chime of the phone, letting me know the line had gone dead.

I kept the phone to my ear long after the call had been ended, not knowing how to move or how to exist as guilt and grief consumed me.

The only thing I knew....was that I needed to get over there right away. I needed to see him and feel his presence. Even if he was already gone.

*****

I didn't worry about what I would say to Dabi as I weakly walked back through the door, minutes after the call with Natsuo had ended. I really didn't care.

Nothing could bring me out of this state right now. Honestly, seeing Dabi would probably make me feel worse, because my feelings for him are the reason I'm broken like this in the first place.

My love for him. My love for him made me forget Touya. I don't know how to process that. I don't know how to feel.

"Finally," the stitched man said from the bed, keeping his eyes on his phone lazily as he saw me walk back inside. "Took you long enough out there."

I said nothing to his comment, because I couldn't-ignoring him completely as I made a beeline to the bathroom to change.

Somehow, a random pair of clothes ended up in my hands along the way. Clothes I must have grabbed, but I don't remember-

"Oi. What's wrong with you?" Dabi called out to me disinterestedly when I reached the bathroom.

I didn't even look at him or respond though, closing the door and locking it behind me so I could change and be alone.

No, I'm not mad at him. It's not his fault, he did nothing wrong.

I'm mad at myself. I'm ashamed.

I'm starting to feel how I did that day. The day I ran away. The day I drowned so deep in my own head, my sanity completely left me.

Oh. Am I scaring you?

Don't worry. As tempting as it is to do such a thing again, I won't. I've already reached my lowest point, eight years ago. There's nothing that could make me crazy like that again. Nothing that could make me completely lose track of my own emotions.

There's nothing left that could break me so bad-

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"Hey," Dabi said muffled from the other side of the door, voice sounding more soft and concerned than he probably would have liked. "You okay in there?"

My mouth wouldn't work to answer him as I stood in front of the mirror, stripping his oversized shirt off my body before catching my dull, naked reflection.

Countless marks, evident of the night Dabi and I had, littered my body. The marks ranged from love bites, to unintentional bruises, and also unintentional minor burns.

Normally, the sight would have made me blush. It would have made me flustered and reflect for the countless, selfish time on how much fun I had yesterday.

But, now, I just find the marks disgusting. Not cause of Dabi, but cause of me.

A small sigh escaped my lips as I met my dead, baggy eyes in the mirror, unable to drown in self hatred like I wanted to when Dabi knocked harder.

"Violet." He said firmly, seeming a little more alert of my silence. "If you don't answer me in the next five fucking seconds, I'll bust the damn door dow-"

"I'm okay." I followed up quickly, keeping my eyes locked to my reflection blankly. "I just have a stomach ache."

My own lie actually gave me a decent idea. One that would get Dabi off my trail and allow me to get out of here without his million questions.

"Actually..." I followed up again, trying to sound as normal as possible. "It's a really bad stomach ache. From my hangover. I don't see any medicine for it in here. Can you run across the street and get me some?"

Lie to everyone.

Dabi remained quiet from the other side of the door as he took in my request, possibly judging that maybe I wasn't telling the truth.

But, I didn't hold my breath in hopes that he would believe it. I didn't care if I'd be caught in a lie as I slowly shrugged on the black sweatshirt and sweatpants I apparently brought in here.

"Whatever. I'll be back in ten." He uttered a few moments later without his usual tease, footsteps slowly retreating from the door to get dressed.

I hope he doesn't know something's off.

"Thanks." I said as fine as I could, staring at the mirror dully as I heard him walking around the room to find clothes.

It only took a few moments for Dabi to change and make his way towards the door. It wasn't until the door shut and I heard him leave that I slowly opened the door to the bathroom, realizing I was alone in the room now.

Not wanting him to call and ask where I was when he got back, I carelessly tossed my phone on his bed in plain sight so he'd see it, throwing up my hood as I grabbed the keys to the room and left.

******

My warm fingertips grazed the ice cold window of the bus, tracing the countless droplets of rain trickled upon it.

The ride from Tokyo to Musutafu wasn't a long one. But, a much needed one for me.

It felt nice to be invisible. To be complete stranger on this bus, with no need to hide how I really felt. No need to smile, or worry about questions I wouldn't be able to answer and conversations I didn't wanna have.

No. Right now, I was just ordinary. I blended in, watching crossroad after crossroad pass unfocused in my half lidded vision as my own thoughts consumed me.

Chasing a ghost. I'm sure that sounds silly to most people.

Like, what am I being so hard on myself for. Right? Touya's dead, and we all gotta move on sometime, right? Blah, blah, blah-he'd want me to move on and find happiness. Right? He wouldn't want me to hold my life back for him.

Yeah. How uplifting. How sweet...

...you know, until it actually happens to you.

Because, as much as one tries to prepare for the loss of a loved one-or, for anything tragic in their lives, it's different when it actually happens.

Your entire world is disrupted. Heart and emotions dragged through the mud and left to process something that will forever haunt you.

How is one supposed to handle that? With uplifting quotes? Or the classic 'it gets better?'

Like-oh, it gets better? Okay, cool! I'm healed of my pain and misery because of that. Thanks a lot.

'It gets better,' but when? 'It gets better,' but how? That's just a rich line, filled with empty promises. A line said by others out of pity when they don't know what else to say. When they feel uncomfortable with the grief of others.

Because, even when it 'gets better,' it doesn't. When it gets better, it gets worse.

Because when it gets better, you start to forget. You start to fill the hole in your heart with other things. Other people. Other hobbies. You fill it, until there's no more room left for them-for him.

When it 'gets better,' you start to let him go. You start to replace him. You claim to love him, and you claim to hurt. But, what happens when his smile starts to blur in your memory? What happens when his gravestone starts to become dirty, because you weren't there to clean it?

What happens when you start to open your heart again? What happens when you start to love someone else?

'It gets better' doesn't teach you these things. 'It gets better' doesn't actually prepare you for how it feels to 'get better,' just that it will, and that's when things are supposed to finally be 'okay.'

It doesn't teach you that 'getting better' is one of the hardest struggles in itself.

I don't want it to get better. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to suffer like this either. But, I don't want to go a day without thinking of Touya. I don't want to start losing the image of his smile in my mind, or the sound of his laughter.

My memories are all I have left. And, even if it hurts to remember them so clearly, still, I'd rather suffer and remember than live and forget.

I can't let him go. I've already lost so much of him. If I lose my memories, too, I'll have nothing.

So, it leaves me in the middle of this mental crossroad. This decision to either start moving forward, or continue to stand in the same spot I've stood in for nine years now.

It leaves me to feel guilty for opening my heart to someone else. It makes me feel as if I've betrayed Touya somehow by loving again.

'It gets better' opens the door for a new kind of grieving in itself. Not the wanting of a loved one. Or, a regret for lack of time.

But, the grieving of being presented with the opportunity to finally...'move on.'

Everyone mourns differently. But, there's one thing every griever always has in common. At least once in their life...

We feel alone.

And for me, I don't know if that feeling will ever go away. No matter how much I fall in love with someone new.

The Musutafu bus stop came quicker than I'd expected, only making me realize I'd actually been absent for most of the ride. The walk in the rain from the bus stop to the Todoroki mansion was even shorter, making me wonder if my perception of time would ever return to me again.

I don't care if it did. Especially, now that I'm here.

I stood in front of the familiar mansion with my hands in my pockets, feeling all the repressed emotions stirring to life inside my chest.

It's sickly funny. Having been away from this place for the past nine months.

I never realized how much being here always weighs me down. How could I when I'd never really been away from it all before?

But, even if it hurts to suffer, I look to the puddled lawn and find memories. Memories of Touya and I sitting there most mornings, eating breakfast or talking the day away.

As my fingers reach for the cold metal gate, I remember how Natsuo would always throw it open when we were younger, causing all of us to run through it as if the outside world had something so much better to offer.

Even Touya looked happy on those days. On the days we got out of this god forsaken house.

My feet slowly walked down the cobblestone path, seeing the front door coming too quickly within my sights.

The front door I would always throw open when the mailman showed up, hoping today was the day he'd finally have a letter from my mother.

Upon putting my key into the lock and opening the door, it brought nostalgia to my door with that familiar creak. It was always funny to me. Mr. Todoroki's a damn millionaire, yet can't pay to get the front door fixed. He always was a cheapskate.

The familiar scent of the house enveloped me immediately when I entered, the image of being greeting by an unamused Touya painted steadily behind my vision.

Tears blurred my eyes immediately as I walked into the house, yet my face hadn't made a simple reaction in well over an hour.

I stood silently in the middle of the dark, empty house, hearing nothing but the rain to keep me company.

My eyes caught sight of the familiar 'family' picture, hung right before the hallway began, causing me to slowly walk over to it as if I hadn't seen it a million times already.

'The Todorokis,' it read, causing me to laugh ironically inside my own mind. Cause 'one, big, happy family,' right?

'One, big, happy family,' except no one in this picture is even smiling. 'One, big, happy family,' except the eldest son isn't even present in the photo because his own family drove him to his own maniacal death.

I glared at the picture for a few more moments, desperately trying to imagine Touya in the frame-and losing a breath when I suddenly couldn't.

Why can't I picture him there? I always do that. Every time I pass the picture, I mentally insert him in.

But, even though I was always able to, for the first time, I can't envision what Touya would have looked like as an adult, therefore unable to put him in the picture.

I felt my body starting to shake as I stared hard at the picture through crying, dull eyes...feeling physically nauseous at being unable to imagine him as an adult anymore.

It's happening already, huh? 'Getting better.' Letting go.

No. No. No. I can't.

I can't let him go, yet. I don't wanna let him go.

Ignoring the lack of air coming from my lungs, I swiftly walked my muddy shoes away from the picture and down the hallway-only kicking them off halfway so I wouldn't track mud to Touya's room.

Impossibly so, the hallway was even darker than the rest of the house. It also held more memories for me than it should.

Pass Mr. Todoroki's room. Easy. I have a lot of memories of him, but not good ones.

Next, comes Fuyumi's room. She was always the first one to wake up every morning. I can still hear her feet padding down the hallway, lightly knocking on each of our doors to get up and take on the day.

Natuso's wasn't far off-only having moved into this room with the death of his older brother. But, even so, his attempted cheery smile still seems to greet me as I pass by.

My room and Shouto's room came next, giving me memories of how I used to sneak goodies into his room whenever he felt down.

And, finally, at the very end of the hallway, stood Touya's room. Matching his personality, his room stood further apart from the others. Alone and as the darkest part of the house.

It looks intimidating by far. Anyone would be intimidated by the sight of the door.

But, also like his personality, it's when you open the door that you see more. His room has the most windows, after all. It's actually the brightest and best room of the house. It's peaceful and nice when you walk inside.

And I wanna walk inside. I need to walk inside, so I can remember him again.

My heart pounded out of my chest as I grabbed the handle of the door, carefully pushing it open as if the ghost himself would be sitting in there when I did.

But, as expected, the room was completely empty. Also as expected, the curtains were opened. The window was even cracked open-by Fuyumi, no doubt...showing the pretty, rainy scenery of the house garden and the misty peak of Sekoto Hill barely peeking far off in the background.

Even though no one was home, I closed the door as I entered, wanting to take this alone time with Touya to talk.

After all, I've got something pretty important to tell him.

I slowly pushed the hood of my sweatshirt back upon standing in the room, looking around it and finding a little more peace as everything looked the same.

It still smells like him. Everything is still exactly where he left it nine years ago.

For the first time in over an hour, an expression of a smile faintly showed on my pale face as I gently traced my fingers along the edge of his made up bed, feeling the soft sheets under my touch.

My hazy mind suddenly became hyper focused as I noticed a small crinkle on the blanket, quickly stopping in my tracks to bend down and remove it. The minuscule speck bothered me more than it should have-before I noticed another one on the blanket a few feet away.

Too dirty-no, too dusty. The place looks too forgotten. I need everything cleaned. I need it exactly how it should be.

*****

It was either therapeutic or insane, the way I cleaned Touya's room. Perception of time still hadn't returned to me as I scrubbed the, already spotless floor, and dusted the window sills the maid had already done earlier this morning.

But, I don't care. It was nice, getting to look after him, even if he wasn't here. It gave me a sense of purpose in this moment. It temporarily eased the guilt that had steadily consumed me today. With each invisible speck of dust cleaned away from the room, it was taking the dust off Touya. It was showing that he hadn't been forgotten.

If only this spot on the wood floor would come out.

"Come on." I groaned breathlessly, harshly brushing away the sweaty hairs that began to crowd my face from the exertion.

Of course, the logical side of me would usually acknowledge that it was a tarnish to the wood, an aged spot of the floor to show it hadn't been used in years. It wouldn't come out with any type of cleaner.

But, logic was beside me as I dropped the scrubbing sponge in frustration, popping up to my feet and storming over to the bottle of cleaner by Touya's desk.

"Fine. I'll just use the whole damn bottle." I huffed absently, stumbling a bit in my aggressive walk to the cleaner.

The stumble caused me to accidentally run into Touya's desk and shake the poor thing, yet that wasnt enough to stop me.

However...

What was enough to stop me was the loud, heavy thud that came near the desk a few moments later to show I'd definitely just knocked something over.

The cleaning haze I'd unintentionally entered suddenly cleared at the sound of something possibly breaking, causing me to turn around with wide, fearful eyes and assess whatever damage I'd done.

Luckily though, nothing had broken. Instead, I'd only dropped a little chest that sat on the desk. A chest that, apparently, contained a lot of papers as they were now scattered all over the floor.

"Crap." I sighed in self annoyance, lethargically walking over to pick up the mess.

Upon closer inspection, I noticed the scattered mess wasn't ordinary papers. They were small, individual, folded pieces of paper. Almost looked like notes.

I shouldn't look at them. Those are his personal things.

So, as much as I wanted to go snooping through old memories, I ignored the little notes and began picking them up, carefully placing them back into the chest...

...until my tired eyes accidentally caught a single word peeking out from one of the notes.

Vi.

I froze in my tracks upon seeing the word, staring at the folded piece of paper blankly as if opening the thing would physically hurt me.

But, now I couldn't resist.

Before I knew it, my hands had grabbed the note and shakily unfolded it-not believing the sight in front of my eyes as I recognized my own writing on the page.

Dear Touya,

I hope you have a great lunch today. Fuyumi let me form the onigiri this morning, so think of me when you eat it. Actually, that sounds weird and stalker-ish. Don't think of me. Or do! I don't know, now I made it weird. Enjoy!

Love Vi <3

No.

No, no, no...

"You're kidding me..." I whispered in disbelief, quickly picking up another scattered note off the floor to confirm what I'd just now figured out.

Dear Touya,

It's raining today, so I also packed you a jacket in your bag. I know you said you didn't want it, but I don't want you to get sick! It's your favorite black one though, so I hope it's fine. Enjoy your lunch today!

Love Vi <3

I felt my heart picking up and my throat choking up as the little note fell limp from my hands, finding myself staring into space at what I'd just found out after nine years.

The notes. The little lunch notes I used to write Touya when he went to school. He kept them, apparently.

And, not just one or two, but....from the looks of how many are here, I think he may have kept all of them.

I never thought he really cared about those notes. He was always so passive about them.

Had I known he did this much, I would have put more effort into them. Hell, I always just said the first thing that came to my mind. I probably sound like an idiot in these...

He only ever brought it up to me that one time.

The last time, in fact. The night we held hands. The last time I got to write him a note.

Maybe it's wrong. To steal a dead boy's belongings.

But, regardless, I found my hands searching anyways for that exact note amongst the countless scattered ones on the floor. The last note I ever wrote Touya.

I just want to keep it for myself. I know it's weird. I know it's probably wrong. And I definitely know it's pointless, as there's nothing I can do with the little thing, anyways.

But, that note-that specific note was the only one I seriously put a lot of thought into. It's the only note I got to actually see Touya read. The only note I got to see make him smile right before my very eyes.

So, I searched. Through every single, endless one...

Dear Touya,

It's Wednesday. Oof, I hope it's a good day. I'm sooo tired though :0

Have a good day!

Love Vi <3

...Really, fourteen year old self? Was there really a reason to write something so pointless? Ugh. Embarrassing.

Dear Touya,

I saw a deer in the yard this morning! I tried to run out and pet it, but it ran away before I could. (It also crashed into the mailbox and broke it, sooo don't tell your dad pls).

Love Vi <3

These aren't even interesting. Why did he....

Dear Touya,

I had a dream last night that we went to that shaved ice truck down the street. You bought an apple shaved ice even though I know you hate apples. What's up with that? ;D

Love Vi <3

Why did he even keep these?! They're so boring and insignificant.

Why did he enjoy them so much? It hurts to think about. It hurts to think about him opening up the note and reading it. To see him smile softly to himself and tuck it away in his pocket.

All of these notes are in perfect condition, meaning he was cautious throughout the day in protecting them. Cautious when he used his quirk or sat down in class. Putting them away in his room immediately when he got home from school.

It hurts. It fucking hurts.

What hurts even more, is that I can't even find the note I'm looking for. The last one. I thought I'd be able to find it pretty easy, considering it's the most important one.

But, I'd spent a lot of time looking through all of them, and it's just not here.

Was it with him the day he died? Did it get destroyed? Did he lose it? Did he throw it away by accident? Why isn't it here?

Fatigue from aggressively cleaning Touya's room and frantically searching for the note quickly caught up with me as I felt a wave of hungover dizziness wash over my head. It caused me to sadly give up on the search and finish cleaning up the notes instead, carefully setting the little chest of them back on his desk.

I pressed my lips together in unsatisfied acceptance as I stared at the container of notes, sighing softly before rising to my feet.

And while the cleaning had sidetracked me, reading the notes suddenly made me miss him more. It gave me the urge to talk to him now more than ever.

So, I will.

For the first time today, I finally directed my attention towards the area of the room I'd been knowingly avoiding. The area that contained Touya's vigil.

Many happy days ago, it actually used to be his favorite part of his room, cause that's where his computer system had sat. The, now ancient, thing had been removed from the room ages ago. It was one he used for gaming-but, Touya being Touya, always said it was for studying the best hero moves on the internet.

Heh. No one ever bought that. Not when we heard him cussing out someone on voice chat at three in the morning for 'taking his kill.'

Instead, his computer had now been replaced with a dark wood desk that served as the constant vigil for him.

One of the only things Cheapskate Mr. Todoroki spent a lot of money on.

It was a beautiful desk, lined with many shelves, incense, and things Touya liked. As you can imagine, there aren't many of those on the shelves. Five candles had already been lit, showing that each of the family members have already paid their visits here for the anniversary of his passing. I assume, someone lit an honorary candle for Mrs. Todoroki.

I was thankful that Natsuo had placed my unlit candle right next to the desk so I'd see it, causing me to take it in my hands as I studied the rest of the vigil.

The shelves were outlined with gold and bamboo. A picture of little Touya sat in the middle, nestled between two, giant bouquets of purple flowers, giving the illusion that he was resting peacefully.

I sure hope he was.

Keeping my eyes on his picture, I slowly took a seat on the floor, scooting closer to the vigil to make sure I'd be able to see it properly.

I still remember the day Touya took that picture. His dad made him do it before his first day of high school. That's why he's not smiling. Heh, well actually, that's probably not the only reason he's not smiling. He was always mad about something.

He'd forgotten to clasp the last button of his uniform shirt closed that day, so I did it for him. His hair had been a mess, so I dragged him to the bathroom so I could fix it a bit. He rolled his eyes and complained the whole time, but was quick to tell me how to style it the moment we got to the bathroom.

Even if the picture doesn't show it...that day was a good day. Any day was a good day when Touya was alive.

I sighed nostalgically before turning back to my candle, grabbing the matches from the floor hesitantly.

It's time to talk to him.

Through shaky fingers, I lit my candle and placed it in the proper holder, refreshing the burning incense before maneuvering to my knees.

I closed my eyes as I let my forehead kiss the floor, bowing before the vigil for much longer than necessary. Whispers of words came from my mouth as I recited prayers and pleas of respect, before I slowly sat down once more and cleared my head of everything else.

It had been awhile since I meditated, but with my mind so broken today, it was easy to wipe the slate clean and focus only on....

"Touya." I whispered softly, feeling the word form so foreignly from my lips.

It had been so long since I've said the name. I didn't even realize it until I said it. But, it's just another thing I feel horrible about.

As expected, there was no one or nothing to answer my word, but I felt connected and ready as I decided to speak anyways, hoping he'd be able to hear me somehow through this vigil.

"Hi. I...I'm sorry I haven't been by. I can explain..." I trailed off, letting out a small sigh as I tried to gather my thoughts.

I can picture his white-haired self, crossing his arms and glaring at me, tapping that damn sassy foot of his for an answer.

"Things have been a little nuts, lately. With the mission...and my partner...and just...everything." I continued, hearing my own raspy voice filling the room. "But, that's not an excuse. It's not like I didn't wanna talk to you. Because I definitely did. I always do."

I saw darkness behind my lids, letting my teeth chew nervously on my lip as I continued.

"I just wish you could talk back. Especially now, cause I really need some advice." I sighed, feeling my throat choking up a bit already, "gahhh. Wow, am I already about to cry? I guess it's just been so long since I heard your voice. It's almost as if I'll forget it soon."

Silence filled the air once more as I took in the awfulness of my own words, feeling my heart jump in alarm as if I'd actually offended a dead man.

"Oh-I'm sorry. That-crap-that wasn't the right thing to say. Hell-I don't even know the right thing to say anymore." I groaned, breaking my mediation when I instinctively ran a hand through my hair.

But, I quickly regained my stance and tried to compose myself, feeling nostalgia stabbing at my heart.

"With you, it used to be so easy. It's like I couldn't ever say anything wrong, because it always felt so right. I...I don't know why I can't do that now." I uttered in self frustration, squeezing my eyes a little tighter as I tried to find the right things to say.

The rain outside got a little heavier now, with the sound making me feel a little on edge.

"Then again, I guess there's a lot I don't know. About anything. About myself, especially. It shouldn't be that way, you know? I...I should have it all figured out by now, right? Everything should be fine..."

My words trailed off as I felt gradual frustration building in my chest. Frustration I couldn't understand.

"But, how can it be? How can it be fine without you here?" I asked him softly.

A sad chuckle escaped my lips at my next thoughts, my head shaking with pointless disbelief at what I already accepted.

"I still haven't learned to live without you," I admitted. "It's been nine years, and I still don't know how to do it..."

Only the truth. I lost a part of myself the day Touya died. A big part.

"You just...made things better, Touya. Man, you really did. Even if you never wanted to believe it. The world was so much better with you in it. You were so important. You still are. But, man, I wish I could have told you more. I should have. Maybe then, you'd still be here."

My palms began to sweat as I sat up straighter, desperately trying not to cry in front of no one, but myself.

"Maybe then..." I sighed, feeling my shoulders wanting to slump with physical and mental fatigue. "...this wouldn't be so hard. Maybe I wouldn't be so confused. Because...maybe....you would have been the answer to all my questions-yeah, I still have a lot of questions. I'm sure you're not surprised by that."

I felt my chapped lips curl into a halfhearted smile at my last words, still barely able to hear Touya reprimanding me for asking so many questions.

The image of him behind my lids was comforting. It made me feel a little more at peace as I spoke my first thoughts.

"Heh. You're gonna think this is so stupid...but...." I started off, finding it humorous that my heart began to beat with anticipation, as if he was actually here listening, "I always imagined us together. Even as a little girl."

Childhood tendencies took over for a moment as a small, flustered giggle escaped my lips, causing my pain to slowly fizzle away as I focused on him.

"I don't know why. There was just something about you, Tou. Something that drew you to me. Even before we really met." I murmured, sitting up a little taller as I kept my eyes closed. "Bet you didn't know that I asked Fuyumi a million questions about you back then. Ha, yeah. I'd ask 'who's that cute boy with the blue eyes? You know, the one who always walks around your house with a frown on his face?' She would say 'my older brother, you dork!'"

I laughed a little heartier this time at my words, hearing my isolation reflecting sadly off the walls of Touya's room.

Honestly, I probably sound insane.

But, then again, was I ever sane to begin with? Or just good at pretending to be?

"Ahhh. Well, that was when the crush started." I admitted with giddy content, "Oh my-I tried a million different ways to get you to run into me at the house. I wanted you to notice me soooo bad..."

"But, you were stubborn and I was invisible. Makes for an impossible match in most cases. Not ours though..."

The smile slowly fell from my face as memories of the past ran through my mind like a movie, causing my thoughts to become a little somber once more.

"We were different. Sure, every couple thinks they're that special-not that we ever became a couple, but-you know what I mean. We were different. Things weren't conventional-hell, we got thrown into a forced marriage as kids. Nothing conventional about that..."

No. Definitely not conventional.

"But, we were different. The special kind of different. The different that only comes once in a lifetime." I practically whispered, feeling my lip starting to quiver.

But, even so, it felt impossible for me to break down right now. Not when my mind is so far away.

"Maybe it would have worked for us, Touya. You and I."

The admittance hung heavy in the air like a sad memory. Something that was so close within my reach, but managed to slip and crumble from my fingers in the blink of an eye.

If only. If only The Day never happened.

"So...what do you do with that, right?" I said after a small pass of time, feeling my voice starting to choke in my throat. "How is one supposed to just...leave that once-in-a-lifetime behind?"

I didn't receive an answer to the question. I didn't expect to, and yet, somehow I was still sad at the silence that followed.

It was pathetic how I kept the question hanging in the air, refusing to break it with my own words as I waited for Touya to come back to life and answer it himself.

Maybe. Maybe, if I continue to sit here, he'll finally speak to me.

But, minutes and minutes passed-my perception of time so completely fucked up, that it could have been close to an hour of me sitting here, and I never received an answer.

Feeling my sanity creeping towards the edge of the cliff, a small chuckle came from my mouth as I lazily swayed my head back and forth, clicking my tongue with humorous discipline.

"Heh. I guess it's a tough question for both of us, huh? I can't believe I've left you, speechless. Ya big blabbermouth." I laughed a little louder, extending my hand out as if I'd just shoved him in the shoulder.

Unaware of my own emotions, I only realized tears were coming downs my face when I tasted them on my lips. Yet, I ignored them...deciding to change the subject of our conversation to something else. Something that's been weighing on my chest for awhile.

It's what I came to tell him.

"I met someone." I said blankly, not sounding necessarily excited about the gossip as I waited for Touya to answer.

But, he didn't.

Crap. He's mad, isn't he?

Sanity continued to leave me as I gradually opened bits and pieces of my own Pandora's box of feelings, the feelings I've repressed from everyone-including myself, for nine years.

I don't really know myself. I don't know how to handle my emotions.

"I promise I wasn't looking," I justified to a ghost, nodding my head to him in a bit of shame. "it just happened."

Touya remained silent and definitely upset with me. No doubt, betrayed, too.

But, I need to continue. I came here to tell him this. It's only fair that he knows.

"He's definitely not what you would expect for someone like me. But, I've changed a lot," I explained, feeling my lips curling into a small smile as I thought of Dabi. "You might have liked him though, he's rude and cusses a lot, and definitely doesn't wait his turn in line."

Without thought, my hazy eyes slowly opened now to find the picture in the center of the vigil, speaking directly to it now through a blank, sunken face.

"He reminds me a lot of you." I admitted, not even blinking as I focused on Touya. "Too much, sometimes I think that's why I think him drawn to him."

My vision began to blur once more with tears, causing me to quickly blink them away so his picture would still be clear in my sights.

"As selfish as it is to say, he helps me pretend. Pretend what it could've been like with you." I said breathlessly, only realizing my next words when I said them out loud.

"I think that's why... I fell in love with him."

Crap. I meant to break the 'love' thing to him easy. I didn't mean to say that.

But, most of all, I didnt even mean to think it, either. Because, is that really true? Did I really only fall in love with Dabi because he reminds me of Touya?

Do I even love him then? Is it all a lie? If it is, then I'd have no one to blame but myself.

No one to blame but myself for giving my entire heart to a dead boy. No one to blame but myself for this endless cycle of torture I've been putting myself through for the last eight years.

No. I guess it never got 'better' to begin with. It only got worse.

"I know. Love." I said to Touya knowingly, not even sure if that's what I can call it anymore.

"I didn't mean for it to happen." I apologized. "I hope you're not mad. But if you are, I would understand. I guess, in a way, maybe it's like I'm cheating on you. I don't really know."

My heart began to pound at my own words, starting to feel immense guilt and panic eating away at my heart for thinking I could ever just let him go like that.

How could I even think about loving someone else? How could I think about that when Touya was so perfect for me?

"But, I want you to know that I tried." I said a little shakier, feeling my breath becoming harder as I attempted to justify my mistake. "I tried not to fall in love with anyone else for nine years, I tried. I closed myself off from everything and anyone that wasn't you because I was so afraid I'd forget you."

I felt physically sick from my last words spoken out loud, scrunching up my nose in hysterical disgust at the idea.

"W-Wait. I..It doesn't mean I forgot you, right?"

No answer. Silence. Nothing to ease my fears.

Oh god. No. Am I forgetting him, already?

"Because if that's what it means, then I don't want it." I practically whimpered out now, feeling a damn of tears threatening to break me as I rapidly shook my head. "I don't want to fall in love again. I don't want to forget you."

I attempted to close my eyes shut once more and picture his face, trying to put myself at ease before I broke down.

But, for the first time, I couldn't picture anything. All that formed in my mind was a blank canvas of nothing. Of loneliness and isolation. Betrayal and goodbyes.

For the first time, I can't picture his face. His smile.

It made me lose it.

Tears flowed down my face as I squeezed my eyes shut painfully tight, roughly grabbing my hair by the roots as I hyperventilated in frustration with myself.

"No, no, no. Why is your face becoming so blurred in my mind?" I choked out in panic, feeling strands of my hair being ripped out from my own force. "Why is your voice becoming so much harder to hear?"

Finally, emotion came back to me as my strained throat forcibly released all the cries it had been holding in, causing my lungs to practically collapse at the weight I'd been trying to suppress.

The cry was silent at first, my face scrunched up in pure agony, yet unable to move as grief paralyzed my veins.

It caused me to fully collapse to the ground now, with the force knocking my 'paused' body back into 'resume' as a horrid gasp for air finally filled my lungs.

"Why did you leave me, Touya?!" I sobbed out from the floor, curling up into the fetal position as I weeped and rocked back and forth like a lunatic. "Why did you leave me alone like this!? Look what you did to me!!!"

My head began to fill with false illusions-illusions that Touya was angry with me for having fallen in love with someone else. It made me hate myself more.

"Stop!!! I know!! I'm sorry!!! Why are you forcing me to choose?!!" I yelled angrily as if he was yelling, too. "Why do I even have to consider letting you go?!!"

My anger fizzled away as quickly as it came, veering off into another broken sob of apology as I reached out to the vigil from the floor.

"Why wasn't my love enough for you to stay alive? I would've given you the world, but you never gave me the chance!!!" I screamed, forced to let my hand collapse to the floor when it became too heavy.

My hands went to my head once more, grabbing more strands of my hair before pulling it out angrily.

"We could've been happy, you know. Sure, our life would've been ordinary, and I'm sorry for that. I know you never wanted that. But, god it would've been a beautiful life, Touya!!" I cried out, rolling over in misery to bury my tear-drenched face into the floor. "Maybe we would try for kids someday. Real kids, not the science experiments your dad wanted us to create, but a family a real family!!!"

My body began to heave and shake at the thoughts, a sad, swollen smile showing through the half lidded tears.

"Our son could've looked like you. Our daughter could've had your fire. Your personality, not your actual fire." I laughed sadly, the sound immediately becoming swallowed by the next cry from my mouth.

"I don't care what kind of house we would have lived in. I wouldn't have expected you to take any handouts from your dad. Not that you would've had to. You were always smart enough to make your own way."

I couldn't stop myself from speaking even if I wanted to, my mouth moving on its own and spilling word vomit after word vomit of regret. Regret for never being able to tell him.

"You would've made me so happy every single day I got to see your face." I hiccuped, "Wouldn't have mattered about anything else just as long as I got to see you, kiss you, and feel you."

To feel him. Oh god, to feel him. To hold his hand one more time. To give him one last hug. To even pluck a piece of fluff out of his hair.

I need him to hold me right now. It feels like I'm going through the most painful withdrawals on this floor, legitimately itching to be held by one single person, never able to be satisfied for the rest of eternity.

Instead, I pathetically crossed my arms over my own shoulders, trying and failing to imagine it was him as I sobbed pointless years off my life.

Perception of time still hadn't returned, leaving me to wonder how long I cried, and sobbed, and hyperventilated on the floor. I couldn't have stopped even if I wanted to, my body forcing me to empty just a fraction of the grief I've kept holed up inside my being for the last nine years.

My body knows, even if my mind doesn't, that if I had held in another ounce of grief, I'd probably have combusted right then and there.

After minutes or hours, my breathing slowly became too weak to continue heaving. My muscles too tired to remain locked with tension.

Finally, I had nothing left.

"Nothing else would have mattered. Just you." I whimpered emptily, letting my wet eyes fall closed tiredly as my tears legitimately ran dry.

My energy had been sucked dry from my body as I remained laying on the floor, mouth slightly ajar as if I was unconscious and face looking dead.

It felt like I legitimately just got hit by a bus. My muscles are physically sore now. My head is pounding. My scalp burns from tearing my hair out. I'm winded.

If only Touya were here to hug me.

"I don't want to let you go." I whispered minutes later, nuzzling into the cold floor of his room as if it was my lifeline. "I'm not ready, Tou. I don't think I'm ever going to be ready."

Rain continued to fall heavily outside as I slowly opened my sunken eyes, looking up to his picture once more with blank sadness.

"It gets better. It gets better..." I whispered a bit mockingly.

That's when I realized something tragic. Something I should have realized a long time ago, so I could have accepted it then.

"I don't think it's ever going to get better. I don't think I'm ever gonna move on." I said dully, unable to move from the floor as I stared at the vigil.

And it's true. I really don't think its ever going to get better. Hell, it's been nine years and the first time I unintentionally tried to move on, I had a breakdown and regressed all the way back to the beginning.

It's impossible to move on when I loved someone that much. Literally impossible...

"That's why they call it once in a lifetime." I finished my thoughts out loud, feeling my eyes going dead as if I were dying.

I wasn't though. I feel too much pain that lets me know how alive I am.

"You were once in a lifetime, Touya." I said clearly, "Even if you never believed it, I always did. And I always will."

A weak smile crept onto my lips as I accepted my fate. Accepted the lifetime of suffering that awaited me.

"I'm never gonna stop loving you. I'm never gonna be able to let you go." I whispered. "I'm trapped. Trapped in my own mind and my own misery. It Hurts. It Fucking hurts."

Yes, it hurts. It definitely hurts.

However, looking up at his picture now helps me remember his smile once more. It helps me hear his voice and his laugh in my head again.

It made my body calm and my smile get wider with relief as I started finding peace again. Because....

"At least I still get to see you."

My eyes slowly closed once more as exhaustion overtook me, the new regained image of Touya in my eyes helping the suffering to go away.

A small, blissful chuckle escaped my lips as I felt my consciousness fading...feeling his presence more and more when sleep overtook me.

"I think about the day we'll be reunited." I whispered almost excitedly, letting the comforting scent of his room fill my nostrils.

The last thing to leave my mouth was automatic. Even if I were no longer awake, it was so easy to say.

It was so easy to say, because it's the same thing I've said every morning for the past nine years.

"I hope that day is soon."

****

Rain fell steady and air grew colder as evening approached Musutafu.

She'd poured her heart out, or at least a fraction of it. Speaking to no one but the walls of the Todoroki mansion of the weight she's had to bear for nine years.

Each cry was accepted by the foundation of the tatami house. Each plea hushed and hidden from the rest of the world.

Well, almost.

After all, I suppose he deserves it, right? This is what he gets for following her here when he really had no right to.

This is what he gets-caring for someone when he had no reason to.

But, this is also what he gets for leaving her that day to die, even if she's still technically alive.

Is it Touya? Or is it Dabi? Who knows anymore. Certainly not him.

The only thing to know is that he heard every word she had to say, standing outside in the pouring rain, next to the cracked open window of his old room. Stitched cheeks bleeding hard with tears he couldn't cry. Breath stuttering silently for the first time since The Day as he allowed himself this small second to feel. To be alive. To forcibly admit to himself, that as much as he tries to mask the grief in hatred and revenge...

It never 'got better' for him either.

***********************************************

A/N: we are officially entering a new arc in the story now. Hold on to your sanity, CAUSE WE ARE GONNA NEED IT!!!

if you want to see what happens next, you can read the next two chapters on my Patreon, along with all the bonus content I have on there. More to come!

Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed.

Next Chapter Title: For The Best