Once you realized what you'd said in your anger you groaned and closed your eyes. Fuck. This was not how you wanted to have this conversation. Though you supposed it was way past time to have it. With all of them. You sighed as you looked at your soulmate.

Bucky went still as his own anger drained from him. His complexion paled and his mouth went slack. A million emotions went through his eyes before settling on worry. He was terrified for the next words that would come from you. The silence stretched as the two of you stared at one another, neither wanting to continue this conversation but knowing it had to happen.

"We'll leave the two of you alone," Steve said as he stood.

You raised a hand to stop him. "No. Stay. This is a story I only want to tell once so you might as well all hear it. This is stuff no one knows."

"Not even Clint and Natasha?" Bruce asked.

You shook your head. "Not even Fury. The only one I ever told my whole story to was my dad. So, when I say I don't want to repeat it, take me at me word." You ran a hand down your face. "Just sit down and let me talk."

As your luck would have it, the entire team save Thor had decided today was the day to be in the common area. Super. Your gaze moved from watching them settle to Bucky who still observed you warily.

"You always wondered why Clint calls me Nikki." You licked your lips and looked down before meeting his eyes again. "It's short for Nicto."

Bucky's brow furrowed for a moment then his eyes went wide. "No."

You hummed and gave him a short nod.

Pure devastation contorted his features. "No, no, no. Oh, doll." He sounded so broken as he slumped into the chair he'd been using earlier and dropped his head into his hands.

"You want to fill the rest of us in?" Tony asked after a beat of silence.

You nodded and hopped up on the island. You swung your legs around so you faced the room. Clint sat beside you and took your hand in his. You squeezed it in thanks for the silent support. No one knew more than him and Nat how difficult this was for you.

"My birth father was a Hydra scientist. My mother was one of their test subjects. She'd been born with certain abilities. I don't remember them all. I know she could shield her brain, protect her mind from brain washing and memory loss. That's the part I inherited. Anyway, they were soulmates. My father being who he was, took advantage of the situation." You cleared your throat. "He genetically modified an embryo to not only accept the super soldier serum but to make the absolute most of it. He then implanted it into my mother. He injected small doses of the serum into me through the entire pregnancy."

"Holy shit," Steve muttered.

Your gaze sought out Bucky to find that he hadn't moved. You looked back to the others. "When I say I was made for Hydra, I mean it literally. My mother didn't want to hand me over and managed to convince her soulmate to run. And run they did for six years. My mother was already dead by the time they found us. I don't remember how she died, only that she was no longer there. My father tried to trade me for his freedom. They shot him in the head and took me anyway.

"I knew nothing but pain for a long time. Hydra didn't care that I was a child. To them I was a specimen with the potential to be their greatest weapon. They injected me with the serum until I was positive it had replaced the blood in body. They injected and experimented as I screamed my throat raw. And then when they tried to erase my brain, they found they couldn't. While that meant I got to stay me, it also means I remember everything they did to me."

You paused as memories flooded your brain. Clint squeezed your hand bringing you back to the present. "When they started training me, they paired me with Soldat. The Winter Soldier. They called me Nicto. No one. They let me spend time with him. Housed us in the same cell most of the time. He became my friend as much as he was able."

"You two knew each other in Hydra?" Steve asked.

You nodded in answer.

"Yeah. I knew her," Bucky said. Your head snapped in his direction, surprised he'd spoken. He had leaned back in his seat. His full attention was on you but his expression was impossible to read.

"How old were you when you started training with him?" Nat asked.

"Eight-ish." You shrugged as you weren't entirely sure. It was too easy to lose track of time inside of Hydra.

"Christ." That came from Bruce but everyone had varying looks of disgust and sympathy on their faces.

"When I was ten or eleven, I escaped. I'd managed to procure a knife. Soldat knew what I planned to do the moment he saw it. I thought for sure he was going to turn me over, stop me. Instead he took out the guard on our cell. I begged him to come with me but he told me to go. To run and never look back."

Hot tears ran down your face though there wasn't a trace of them in your voice. Both of your hands were now clasped around Clint's and he extricated it to wrap his arm around your shoulders. He pressed a kiss to your temple. You grabbed his free hand and clutched onto it. You needed the strength for what was coming. You didn't dare look at Bucky.

"I didn't have any sort of plan. I just knew anything was better than where I was at. I'd been living on the streets for a week when Soldat found me. I was ecstatic. I thought he'd escaped too and we could run together. But he was there to take me back. I begged. I pleaded. And when that didn't work, I fought." Your voice broke on the last word. You kept your gaze focused on the floor, not able to look at the others right then.

"He was stronger than me, but I was smaller, faster. I'd been trained to take down opponents just like him. Hell, he was the one that trained me. But I was still just a kid against a super soldier assassin. And when I wouldn't stop fighting, he shattered my spine and tossed me over his shoulder to carry me back." Clint's grip tightened and you rubbed his hand in yours to calm him down. It gave you something other than your own pain to focus on. "I was devastated. I wept the entire time I healed. When they realized it was because of who hurt me rather than the injury they used it against me. They used him against me. And he let them."

As always Steve was quick to defend his best friend. "That's not fair. Bucky was brain washed. It wasn't him."

"I know that. I do. And I knew it then to an extent. Hydra tool I may have been but I was still just an eleven-year-old kid whose best friend suddenly turned on her. When I failed Hydra, they punished me. When I angered them, they punished me. When they were bored, they tortured me. And they had him do it all. They took away the only comfort I had."

Your gaze finally found your soulmate. Tears rolled down his cheeks and his fingers dug into the arms of his chair. You pulled away from Clint and pushed off the counter to stand. "When they told me Soldat was my soulmate I still had every intention of killing you. Then one day they told me you weren't Soldat any longer, that you were Bucky Barnes. The next they presented me to you as your soulmate. I'm sorry if I have trouble accepting a kind touch from you. I'm doing my best, Barnes. I'm still here after all."

You turned away from him, from all of them and headed out of the room. Everyone was silent as they watched you walk away. Wade fell into step beside you. "Not now, Wade," you said and stepped into the elevator alone.

***

The room remained utterly quiet for several long minutes. Bucky covered his mouth with his hands as tears continued to run down his face. Once his memories returned, hurting you had been his biggest regret from his time in Hydra. Not only had you been the only one to show him kindness, you were a child. And the things they'd made him do to you. The thought brought a pained whimper from him.

The sound was enough to catch the attention of most of the room. While the others exchanged looks, Steve and Sam immediately went to Bucky's side.

"Hey, man," Sam said as he crouched beside his friend. He laid a hand on Bucky's thigh to make sure he had his attention. "You okay? That had to be a lot to take in."

Steve crouched beside Sam but remained quiet.

Bucky dropped his hands away from his face to reveal a trembling lip. It was evident he was just moments from breaking. "I didn't want to hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her."

"We know that, Buck," Steve said. "She does, too. The memories were just a lot is all. She'll come around."

Bucky's jaw went tight and he jerked his head to the side in denial. "Stop. Both of you. I don't deserve your comfort."

He pushed himself out of the chair causing both of his friends to fall backward. Ignoring everyone else in the room, he headed for the stairs.

"He shouldn't be alone right now. I'll go after him," Steve said as he got to his feet.

Natasha laid a hand on his arm to stop him. "Let me."

The blond super soldier studied her for a long moment before nodding and stepping aside.

Nat knocked quietly when she arrived at Bucky's door. Hearing no response, she slowly opened it. He sat on his bed with his head hanging down, hands in his lap.

"Fuck off, Steve."

Nat smirked. "Not Steve. Sorry."

Bucky's head jerked up in surprise. "What do you want?"

Rather than answering that, she shut the door and leaned her back against it before crossing her arms over her chest. "When we infiltrated the Hydra base, Phil was the one that found her. This kid just standing in the middle of a Hydra cell watching everyone run around. She was quiet, calm. Phil told me it freaked him out."

That got the hint of a smile that disappeared as quickly as it came.

"Once she arrived on the jet to return to SHIELD, she didn't say a word. For three days she didn't answer one question, didn't ask any of her own. She just stayed silent and watched. For her SHIELD was Hydra in a different skin."

She looked down with a sigh then back up. "Clint and I were the first ones she talked to and one of the first things she said was to tell us about you stealing her chocolate milk on a mission. Even when all those wounds were still fresh and raw, she had good memories of you, Barnes. Don't give up on this. On her. She needs you."

Bucky shook his head as he shifted his weight. "No, she doesn't, Natasha. I'm the last thing she needs."