When I have rough weeks the easiest thing for me to write are emotionally distressing chapters. So if you feel like being depressed then go ahead and read this. If you want to know why this is so depressing then you'll have to read the previous parts to this chapter.

I'm legit not joking, you know how the last one had a good ending, this one doesn't.

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Donovan lay stretched out on the living couch, staring up at the ceiling. He hated the night.

He'd never known a person could hate the night but he did. He hated the empty darkness. He hated the lonely shadows that crawled across the floor. Hated the gaping silence. He hated it.

He hadn't been able to sleep in their bed since he first heard the news.

He hadn't been able to sleep.

Sleep meant tormenting dreams. For in the dreams Carter still lived which meant that reality was his nightmare.

He never wanted to sleep again.

A soft cry drew Donovan out of his listless state. He sat up, listening. The childlike cry came again. Throwing aside his blanket, he climbed off the couch and walked to Kennedy's room. Inside, Kennedy whimpered. Donovan knelt by her bed, stroking her hair.

"Cadet," he whispered his voice horse from lack of use.

Kennedy woke up.

"Did you have a bad dream?" he asked.

Kennedy nodded. Donovan lifted his daughter into his arms. Together they sat in the stillness, Donovan holding Kennedy tight.

"I miss mommy."

Donovan felt his throat constrict and tears spilled out before he even realized they were there. He kissed Kennedy's hair.

"I miss Mommy too," he said. "Do you want to talk about your bad dream?"

After a brief pause, Kennedy shook her head.

"Can you go back to sleep?"

Again Kennedy hesitated. Donovan understood.

"I'll hold you until you fall asleep, that way you won't have bad dreams again."

Kennedy accepted this, closing her eyes, safe in her father's protective arms. Donovan listened to his daughter's breathing, hearing the moment when it deepened as she drifted off. For a long time, he remained holding her, not wanting to be alone.

But when Kennedy shifted like she wanted to roll over, Donovan tucked her into her blankets and kissed her head.

Back in the living room, Donovan sank onto the couch. He didn't lie down, even though he felt beyond the point of exhaustion. He couldn't bear to close his eyes. Instead, he laid his head back, waiting for the morning to come.

He didn't know how much time had passed when he noticed movement. He raised his head and froze.

Carter sat on the coffee table before him.

Donovan stopped breathing. She looked beautiful with her hair loose and wild, falling over one shoulder. She was barefoot and wore ripped jeans and one of his shirts.

It was his Carter.

His heart swelled to the point he feared it might explode.

"Carter," he croaked.

She smiled at him and he reached out, touching her face. She closed her eyes, leaning into his hand. She felt warm and alive.

He was crying again, but he didn't care, she was there. She was sitting right in front of him. She was back.

Smiling that soft smile, Carter caressed his face. Donovan felt like his heart would shatter from the tenderness of it.

"You need to sleep," she said, gently.

"I can't without you."

"Why do you think I'm here?"

Gracefully, she rose and settled on the couch beside him. When she placed a hand on his chest, Donovan covered it with his hand.

"I'm afraid to sleep," he whispered, staring at her, soaking her in.

"Why?"

"Because if I do, you might disappear."

"I'm right here."

Carter guided Donovan down to the cushions and laid her head on his shoulder.

"Go to sleep," she whispered.

Donovan couldn't, he was so scared she'd leave him. Instead, he stared at her, never wanting to close his eyes again. He knew he never would. He'd lost her once, he wasn't going to lose her again.

"Daddy?"

Donovan jerked his head up, looking around the room, and realized he'd fallen asleep sitting up. He looked to the cushions beside him even though he knew what he'd find.

Nothing.

No imprint of Carter's body.

No evidence that she'd ever been there.

No sign that she ever would again.

"Daddy?"

Donovan focused on Kennedy, who stood next to his legs, wearing her pajamas and holding her stuffed bunny.

"I'm hungry," she said.

Donovan rubbed his eyes and nodded, trying not to feel the crushing disappointment that came with reality. A dream. She'd only been a dream.

Would only ever be a dream.

With more effort than it ever took, Donovan hoisted himself off the couch. Taking Kennedy's hand, he led her to the kitchen and settled her onto a barstool. Early morning rays crept across the floor. The dull light spoke of another gray day.

Breakfast came and went, though Donovan didn't eat. He rarely did these days, he never had an appetite. After, Donovan sat with Kennedy on the couch, reading picture books for her though he barely registered what he read. When the door to the apartment opened, he broke off. Link, Maddy, and Harrison entered.

Maddy smiled, but it was weak. "Ready to get dressed, Kennedy?"

In answer, Kennedy slid off the couch and took Maddy's hand, already accustomed to this morning routine. Link put Harrison on his lap as he sat down next to Donovan.

"We thought we'd take Kennedy for the day. We're going to the park."

Donovan nodded.

"Did you sleep at all?" Link asked.

"Some."

Link rested his hand on Donovan's shoulder, offering silent comfort.

Eventually, the Evans left with Kennedy. Brock and Ashley dropped by, bringing food and cleaning up. Brock forced Donovan to eat, though he wasn't aware of what it was. He might have talked, he wasn't sure. Exhaustion left him dull.

When Mason showed up in the early evening, Donovan looked at him in surprise. He'd never been close to Mason but yet Mason had shown a concern for Donovan that he didn't know Mason could.

"How are you doing?" Mason asked, taking a seat opposite Donovan.

Donovan shrugged.

Mason dragged a hand through his hair, looking worried. Which felt vaguely baffling to Donovan. But he didn't have the energy to sort it out.

"Look, Donovan," Mason said. "You might hate me for saying this but...you can't give up."

Donovan stared at Mason. "She's dead."

Clenching his fist, Mason stood and paced. "I know. But you can't give up. You can't let this kill you."

There was a force behind Mason's words that Donovan didn't understand. Mason and Carter had gotten along like a dog and cat, they were friends but bugged each other. Mason had never been Donovan's close friend, so why did he care? Unless there was something else behind it.

"Were you in love my wife?" Donovan asked.

Mason snorted. "I can't stand your wife most of the time." He shook his head. "I mean I couldn't." He stopped. "No, I'm saying this because I know she wouldn't want you to give up."

Instead of being bolstering, his words felt like a weight wanting to crush Donovan. He knew what Carter would want, but without her, he couldn't find it in him to do it.

"If you could talk to her," Mason said. "I know she'd tell you to keep fighting."

Fight? Fight what? All the fight he'd once had was gone. It took everything in him to move in the morning. There was no fight left.

Donovan rose. "I can't talk to her."

Uncaring, Donovan walked away. He stepped into his room. The bed was perfectly made. Heart breaking, Donovan dropped onto Carter's side of the bed and pressed his face into her pillow.

Mason's words haunted him, but the truth was all he'd ever wanted to fight for was her.

But she was gone.

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*hands you a security blanket, a huggable teddy bear and a cup of something warm and comforting*

(Of course I'm not going to threat you! What's the point? That chapter did enough)

If you have anything left inside you and you want to leave it here, go ahead. 💬🗯💭

You might be asking yourself, why would Joy write something so sad. Well like I said when I have hard weeks the depressing chapters come the easiest, so sorry.

Anyone else want to punch Mason for not just telling Donovan that his wife is still alive?

Oh, so I have some wonderfully depressing news for you! I know, it's amazing how well get you excited!

Because this last week with getting A Secret Service published and the last two and a half months have been a lot, I might be taking a break from writing one shots. So I can take time for myself and rest.

I know this is rough to understand and it's even worse because of this depressing chapter but I'm really tired and need to take care of myself. I hope you understand.

I love you! And if you want to cheer up then just go reading the chapter where Donovan is drunk!

Vote, comment, follow but only if you can still see the screen through your tears.

Yup this is me.