[HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH AMYTHING BUT THREE PIECES FROM MY AP PORTFOLIO; PillowTalk Zayn Malik]

this is pretty long tbh...

TWENTY-NINE: when you learn how to bond.

I didn't feel better.

It was early. That was all I could confirm as I woke up, never really having slept properly. I'd spent the night in Paul's arms, his soft snoring in my ear and my body pressed against his but as bad as I wanted to ignore my mind and find peace in Paul, I couldn't. I wanted to relax and let my boyfriend hold me but there was guilt embedded in me.

I was holding him back and I was a liar and I didn't deserve anything close to this.

It was bright outside when I found myself slipping out of his hold, it had to be around five in the morning. Realizing that it was a school day, I groaned at the thought of getting up. I didn't want to pull myself out of his arms, his arms being one of my favorite things.

Running my fingers over his tattoos and slipping out of his hold, I looked down at Paul and sighed. I felt a smile stretching across my face at the way his eyebrows furrowed before he reached around, huffing when he didn't feel me beside him. And slowly his eyes blinked open, them nearly fully open when he gave up. Leaning down, I placed a small kiss on his full lips, watching a small, lazy smile spread across them.

"Good morning, baby," he whispered, voice raspy and eyes squinted before he'd yawned, reaching out to me. I clasped his hands in mine and couldn't help the way my heart flipped, his eyes blinking open but falling shut as if the effort was staining and his eyelids were too heavy. I bit my lip and took it all in.

He was mine and I was his and I really wanted to lay back down with him and maybe never move but I just couldn't. I had school, a place that stressed me to the maximum and killed every shred of self-respect I had. If I could just let Paul hold me as he talked to me about art, I'd be content and maybe my mental state wouldn't have been as shitty as it was then.

There was a slight smile on my face as I forced myself to think of Paul and only Paul. I could see him slowly nodding off back into sleep. "Good morning." I'd replied, attempting to ignore the blush creeping closer to my face. I brushed a stray curl off his forehead, letting my fingers trail down to graze his plush bottom lip, "I'll wake you up in about an hour, okay?"

He didn't give me an actual answer but instead groaned softly, gripping a pillow and cuddling up to it much as I would to his chest. And he burrowed himself further in the blankets as I groggily passed Rilee, who was pretty much knocked out on her bed, trying to rid how adorable Paul had looked and the longing I had to kiss him again because I knew if I kissed him again, I wouldn't be able to leave.

I was planning on doing some thinking in the living room before I showered and started getting ready but a soft strumming coming from the room across the hall had averted my attention.

The door was closed but disregarding it as I'd only assumed Landon wouldn't be able to hear me, I opened it to see him in a chair beside one of the two beds, leaned back and strumming an electric guitar in his lap, amp beside him although it wasn't plugged in.

I hadn't wanted to interrupt him but I had time to spare and I really didn't want to spend an hour alone so knocking on the open door, I let myself past the threshold. There was a slight hopefulness in my tone which indicated how much I wanted Landon to engage in a conversation with me, "You aware it's five am?"

My speaking got his attention, his hands strumming silently as he looked up at me, hazel eyes blinking lightly. It was weird, seeing his face and not automatically thinking he hated me or seeing his eyes with no judgement in them when his twin was the exact opposite. Landon wasn't like Brandon though, he was more excited and he smiled more. Overall, he seemed like a positive person. That was proven when he greeted me with a full smile, as if we'd been friends for years when we'd really only interacted around five times since I'd been unofficially living there.

Landon stopped strumming altogether, "Hey, Freckles." And then his eyebrows furrowed as his smile turned into a look of worry and concern, "sorry, did I wake you?"

I shook my head, "No, I was already up."

Still he apologized, "Sorry, I'm just really excited about song writing again, you know? And I haven't held this thing in a while... I don't know." There was this way about him, the way he instantly started talking to me as if we were close... His excited tone got even dimmer as he stared down at his guitar as if he felt like were over sharing and his smile got smaller.

"You always play in the morning?"

He shook his head, hair limp with no product in it and I could tell that he'd been up late despite how awake and full of life he seemed. He gestured towards the made bed in the corner of the room, his side looking like a complete mess next to the completely organized side I'd assumed to be Brandon's, "No, it's just Brandon's working and Rilee's a heavy sleeper."

Landon had shrugged when my eyes had centered back on him, looking down at his guitar again and playing the same riff I'd been hearing since I'd entered, "Paul doesn't care if I play, said it helps him sleep for some reason."

I nodded, sensing the apology that was underlying in his words. He seemed a bit too apologetic, as if he felt like he were doing something wrong, "It's okay. What're you playing?"

He shrugged but I could tell that he enjoyed my inquiring. He seemed to be happy with the attention and I didn't miss the way smile on his face became brighter. "Lithium by Nirvana. I don't know, I was feeling some Kurt Cobain in me at like 2 a.m. and I've been kind of practicing ever since."

And Landon was good, despite me not really knowing the song. He looked completely dedicated and in love with the sound and that transferred through what he was playing, you could tell. Even from the videos I'd seen on their channel, he always put 110% into everything he played just as Paul did with his art, "You're really good."

"Thanks." His smile warmed and I could tell no one really told him that.

He was sunshine, that much was obvious but that was a front that I could see slipping. He wasn't like Paul, an actual angel, no... I could see that Landon was trying really hard to be that positive, that sure of himself and when we were around other people, I believed that he really was but as I stood in their room at 5am and watched the way he forced his smile at some parts and the way he seemed unsure of himself, I could relate, "Are you okay?"

I guess I've always been a bit good at reading people because he shrugged, "I don't know. I guess I am..."

And I understood that, not knowing where I stood on my own feelings, "I feel."

And I saw him sigh, smile still there but there was a newfound insecurity in his eyes."Why are you trying to talk to me?" His smile turned into a grimace, "We never really talk."

"You're my boyfriend's roommate, I'd like to be friends with you." It felt nice to say that: boyfriend. It felt nice to be able to acknowledge that Paul and I were committed to each other. A smile has graced my face, bottom lip pulling into my mouth as I brought my gaze up to Landon and willed the hotness of my skin to simmer down. I was red, I knew it.

The smile slowly faded at the unsettled look on Landon's face and I could somehow understand it. He my boyfriend's roommate, he was a bit like me and I could tell he wasn't who he appeared to be.

He licked his lips, biting the inside of his cheek and tried to smile again, it closed mouth as if he didn't feel as happy as he were before and I felt bad. "No one really pays attention to me... Brandon's the badass as you can probably already tell."

Not being noticed? That sounded like a dream. "I wish people didn't pay attention to me."

And he repeated my question, "Are you okay?"

"Not really." I wasn't okay, I hadn't been okay in a while. But I could fake it if Paul were there; I could forget.

"Wanna talk about it?"

Wanna talk about the fact that I feel as if your brother would be a better boyfriend than me? No thanks. "No," wanna talk about how I'm such a fucking dumbass who can't decide if he likes girls or boys?

Wanna talk about how I feel like shit all the time? Or maybe about how much I don't deserve Paul? The fact that I always feel tired for no reason?

No thanks. "Can you play something else for me?"

I didn't want to let out all my problems onto someone and they become awkward because they really didn't care. I wouldn't be able to stomach the fact that I'd feel like shit for answering honestly and the fact that I'd feel the need to apologize had me reevaluating and repressing everything.

"Yeah, sure."

And that's when he nodded, placing his guitar back on its stand and grabbing his acoustic from on top of his messy bed. There was a nice warming half-smile on his face when he started playing the intro to Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bob Marley and I felt myself smiling. He sang jokingly, leaning back and forth and swaying comedically with the music, reaching over and pinching my cheek before he'd started the chorus.

I could tell I'd get along with Landon.

: : :

Paul was wearing a pale pink shirt and some gray sweatpants when he'd driven me to school that morning. We were close to passing my old house when I'd brought up the topic on hand.

My hand was fiddling with Paul's on the arm rest, eyes occasionally flickering over to catch him glancing back at me and every time I'd catch his eyes, his ears had darkened and he would clear his throat as if to make himself appear less flustered.

I watched him scratch the back of his neck in that nervous way of his and readjust his glasses but before he could speak, I'd blurted it out. "I um, I wanna tell my dad."

His eyes went wide as he glanced back at me quickly as if to see whether or not I was being serious. He looked shocked and that upset me because Paul assumed that I'd rather hide him from everyone and that wasn't okay. He bit his lip before processing everything, hand tightening on mine and I watched a small goofy smile spread across his face, "You wanna..."

I'd licked my lips, glancing down at my hand in his and couldn't help but copy his smile. I wanted to see him that happy all the time and from then on out, I'd established that nothing would be better, "I wanna tell my dad about you and I want you guys to meet."

"Really?"

He looked slightly confused, as if he doubted me and really, I didn't blame him. I'd been really indecisive with our relationship and myself in general, Paul didn't know where to stand and that honestly was reasonable. I regretted every single thing is ever done to make him believe that I was in some way ashamed of him and I couldn't help but assure him that I wasn't. "Why wouldn't I?"

And he shrugged, "you're not always sure about things. I mean- yeah, you've always meant the best but I don't want to get hurt, Jules."

And yet again, he'd worn his heart on his sleeve. Hearing it hurt but I knew it was true, I wasn't always sure before I did things and that must've been frustrating to Paul. I wasn't sure about Calum or holding hands or even if telling my dad was s good idea but I was sure about Paul. He was amazing and I would've been so stupid if I were to pass this up so shaking my head, I turned to him.

"Yeah, I mean, I'm not completely sure," I could see the way he smile turned into a grimace and his hand slackened in mine before he'd tried to force happiness again. And I tightened my grip "but I'm sure about us and I don't want you to feel like I'm hiding you."

I bit my lip again, the flesh most likely red from the gnawing I'd done do to nerves, "I'm really glad you're my boyfriend and stuff."

"I'm glad I'm your boyfriend," he chuckled, "and stuff."

That smile on his face was what made me calm down. He wasn't upset, we were on the same page and that was all that was important. Leaning back, I sighed, everything was going so well for me to be as upset as I was. I didn't deserve to be unhappy when I had Paul in my life but life had a funny way of making me feel like shit. I groaned. My mother hated me, Calum hated me, Andy didn't want anything to do with me... I couldn't have my dad hate me too despite the fact that he didn't have a problem with my sexuality. What if he changed his mind? What if he thinks it's a phase and that's why he's being so cool about it?

What if he'll know it's real once he meets Paul and everything turns to shit?

I didn't voice all my concerns, just shortened them, running a hand through my hair that I'd been too lazy to put product in that morning, "I guess I just don't want him to hate me."

Paul saw this as absurd, "Hate you? Why would he hate you?"

"I don't know..."

I ruin everything.

But Paul didn't agree. Shaking his head, I watched as he brought my hand to his lip and kissed the back of it, fire burning in that spot. "Your dad loves you, he supports you and he cares about you. He wants you to be happy... I hope you're happy."

And the little insecurity in his voice made me frown, "You make me happy."

He smiled, looking over at me before looking down at our intertwined hands and then back at the road. He looked like he wanted to kiss me but couldn't due to safety so leaning over, I kissed him on the cheek and then again when I'd noticed the bright red tint on his ears. He adjusted his glasses, "You make me happy too."

I couldn't picture anything better.

"This is about the best moment of my life."

And it was. It was officially the first day he'd driven me to school as my boyfriend and I felt a little more confident. Paul understood me and I could make him happy, those were the most important things to me. He was amazing.

"It can't be the best."

His modesty was getting him nowhere. "I really like you, Paul."

"I love hearing you say that."

And if the smile in his voice didn't say anything, the slight pink on his cheeks did, "You're blushing."

He shook his head, kissing my hand yet again before he turned into the school drop off section and looked briefly before pulling my head towards his. I felt his lips on mine, gentle and chaste but it was enough. Picking up my bag, I pecked his lips again before opening the door. His hand gripped my ass as I stepped out and I rolled my eyes before shutting the door. I was halfway to the other side of the drop off when I heard Paul's laugh and right before I was out of earshot, I heard him call out.

"God, Jules, what're you doing to me?"

: : :

It was around lunch when Andy had spoken up and directed the sentence toward me. It being a shock to everyone at the table, I listened, the hostility between us was getting a little old. He hadn't talked to me as nonchalantly as before, in fact, he wouldn't even look at me. I was sure it seemed like some sort of secret when he informed me of our late practice that day.

And immediately I had texted Paul, hoping he'd at least be on break from his barista job in the local Barns and Nobel.  'Do you think you could pick me up a little late today, mandatory practice.'

'What time?'

I informed him of the times we'd be ending that day, Paul assuring that he'd be there and telling me to 'have a good practice, beautiful.' I tried to push the smile off my face at that, oddly not wanting Andy to see it as I sensed he was still somewhat upset with me.

But I was quickly proven wrong when he struck up a conversation with me, Benji leaving his argument with Will at 'you're allergic to peanuts,' and listening in on ours. "You think substituting Ryland in for T was a good idea?"

With things being shitty around soccer, I hadn't been the best judge on what was a good idea or not. I didn't know whether or not my ideas were make or break but I found myself giving false confidence. "T's a good defender, Ryland can play midfield."

Ryland wasn't even the best goalie we had, our best defender, Cameron, was the reason Ryland was getting away with all the blocking but Cameron was cut despite how much we needed him. Shifting him to a more interactive position was surely a risk. "He was trained as a goalie and he's not even that good, he doesn't know what he's doing."

"We need a defender and T's good."

Andy sighed, resigning because the conversation was literally getting us nowhere, "Why the fuck didn't Cam study? No one's as good, man, no one."

"You guys'll figure it out." Benji had provided support, shoving a fry into his mouth before ignoring us and cutting in on a conversation between Will and Caspar.

"We might just have to cut more players to get these lazy asses to try harder."

And being the voice of reason, I had to inform him of how absurd that was, "But that means more tryouts... You saw the kids who tried out for varsity this year, they sucked."

"I know."

It was silent after that, all conversations ceasing at our table but obviously that wouldn't last long with Benji being one for nonstop talking. I internally sighed when he struck up another conversation,
questions directed at me. "How're things? You know with lover boy?"

Finally a conversation where I didn't feel stressed, I could talk about Paul for hours, "Paul? It's really good."

"You guys fuckin'?" I didn't expect that and really, neither did Andy, the milk he'd previously poured into his mouth nearly spraying Will in his shock. He managed to swallow his drink as his eyes widened and honestly, I felt the same.

Who the fuck just brings that up?

And then I realized, this was Ben and Ben had no filter.

"No." I went with the simple answer, we weren't that far in our relationship and I knew he didn't want to do anything until we both were ready. Paul was amazing.

Will smacked her brother's arm as he rolled his eyes. Obviously, he had assumed we were fucking after he pushed me to patch things up and really, he wasn't the first to assume that we'd automatically go straight to sex.

"But you want to be," he'd teased, pushing another fry in his mouth and I couldn't disagree.

"Shut up, man." Caspar pushed in, stealing a fry off Ben's tray and stuffing it in his mouth, "not everything's about sex."

And beside me, Jade winced at Caspar's probably unintentional insult. I looked over at her, pushing her gently with my shoulder and grabbing for her hand as I tried to make her feel less targeted.

No one noticed.

Will laughed, grabbing for her brother's fries and by then Benji was smacking all their hands away, eyes set in a glare. She grinned, showcasing her pearly whites, "He's fucking hot."

"Aren't you into Pete?" I couldn't help but add in and at her lip bite, I knew it was somewhat true.

Caspar laughed, "you're after the nerd?"

She rolled her brown eyes, flipping her hair over her shoulder and tugged on the hem of her olive-green crop top, "Shut up, he's really cute."

Getting the attention off of Will's embarrassment, I sighed, receiving a mouthed 'thank you.'

"Anyways... He's meeting my dad."

"He's meeting Dad?" Jade questioned, the first time she'd spoken all lunch, "That's huge."

"Well, last time they met wasn't the best time and I really want Dad to approve."

Ben scoffed at that. "Have you met Paul? He's basically the poster-child for perfect."

And that gave me hope that everything would go fine. "I know."

A/N:

3700 words for ya babes.

finished writing this in my bathroom to PillowTalk by Zayn. Bruhhh, I never liked one direction and I don't understand all the hating on him going solo... he's doing so good as a solo artist.

Dammmmnnn.

Okay soooo... I've nearly completed my next concentration for my art portfolio. I'm live streaming next weekend on younow and you guys can talk to me if you like?

Updated: Saturday, Jan 30.