[troye quote; Starman by David Bowie (rest in peace, king)]

TWENTY-EIGHT: when you're just tired.

My heart was beating so fast, I felt as if I could fucking die when Ben pulled up outside Paul's apartment building later on that night. I felt a myriad of emotions, my mind processing the look that Paul would probably give me when I eventually came face-to-face with him.

I couldn't see it going any other way than him dumping me.

So maybe that was the reason my lips were quivering and my mind was blank and I just wanted Benji to accelerate, pulling out and maybe driving me off a cliff somewhere. I didn't want to face Paul or my own stupid decisions and I was regretting putting myself out there and asking him out because I wasn't enough for him.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, my eyes flickering over to Benji and a sigh involuntarily passing my lips. We'd been in his car for two hours, parked and talking; I didn't want to seem weak but really, I was and nothing would've hurt more than screwing up my relationship. Calum was nothing compared to Paul because I liked him so much... So much, I felt like I couldn't breathe, my thoughts gluing me to the chair.

Paul was perfect and I was just Jules.

And alongside the many things that scared me, Paul realizing that I wasn't good enough for him was the worst. I shut my eyes, attempting to glue myself to the seat without adhesive and trying to run from my fears again. And again and again. I felt my breathing speed up faster but I willed myself not to panic at that point. I didn't need anyone else knowing about how weak I was and oddly enough, Benji had turned into an authoritative and protecting figure, it felt as if keeping my emotions at bay were the only cards I had left.

I didn't want to seem weak so I met his eyes with an unwavering stars, hoping he couldn't see how broken I felt.

He must've noticed the slight shaking of my hands and he leaned towards me as he sat in the driver's seat and knocked my shoulder lightly. He looked worried, "You've gotta talk to someone about this, man, it's not good for you." And I knew he was talking about the shaking and the crying and the dependency on everyone else in my life to hold me together. I knew he was talking about the bottled up emotions and the fact that I was living away from home and pushing people away.

"You're gonna tell him that it's not his fault and how much you like him and all that other gay shit that you guys have been developing and then you're gonna let him hold you because you're a fuckin' mess right now and you can't keep that to yourself." His grip was tight on my shoulder and his eyes were looking straight into mine with a sternness that I hadn't seen before.

And I couldn't agree more.

"Paul cares about you and I consider you to be one of my best friends, don't make things harder for yourself." He gave me a small smile, cracking his strict facade and he leaned further to open my door, "he'll understand, don't be fuckin' stupid."

So I brought my shaky hand to the passenger door, slowly pushing it open and thanking my closest friend for everything. I honestly didn't understand how I'd survive without Benji and I kept that in mind as I shoved my hands into my pockets and made my way to the building.

He stayed there until I'd entered, a text coming through to alert me that he wanted to know how it went and it was almost as if he read my mind because he specifically made it clear that he wasn't texting and driving, ending the conversation with a "you got this, J."

And really, I tried to convince myself that I had it and that Paul would understand but once I'd made it to his floor, I wanted to throw myself down the elevator shaft. My palms were sweating again and I found myself pacing silently in front of their apartment, my ribcage feeling restricted.

I knocked and instantly regretted it.

There was that sloshing in my stomach, my heart beating faster and I was seconds away from leaving. That was when the door opened, a yelling on the inside that sounded a lot like Rilee. I was face to face with Paul's bestfriend and I gulped, afraid that he heard what was going on and I kept my gaze on Brandon's poker face, eyes glaring me down as he chewed his gum. I felt threatened, "why're you here?" I couldn't help the jealousy inside when it was insinuated that Brandon knew something happened.

The guy who previously had my boyfriend in bed knew I was a screw up.

That bothered me more than it should have, "I'm here for Paul-"

He rolled his eyes and I bit my lip as he stepped back. I took the space as a chance to step inside, closing the door gently. His eyes were still watching me like a hawk and I couldn't stand that, pushing a hand through my hair nervously and squaring my shoulders in an attempt to seem bigger. Fuck my skinny arms and the fact that Brandon was taller. He seemed to notice my insecurity because if it were possible, his eyes got darker and he crossed his arms, the muscles in his forearms jumping slightly. "What the fuck did you do?"

That wasn't what I expected, maybe a tease about Paul being done with me or that he'd moved on into Brandon's bed but definitely not an accusation, "What?"

He rolled his eyes again, the irritated tone he had with me was becoming annoying. He was acting as if I were wrong for being concerned but maybe that was just my jealousy clouding my interpretation of his actions, "Paul came in alone, after he left with you, and he wouldn't talk to anyone. He went straight to his room and I smell oil paint so I swear to God, I will end your life if you so much as look at him the wrong way."

Well, if I wasn't feeling shitty enough, that hit me hard.

"I'm here to talk to him." There was a lingering sense of giving up that was inside me but I willed myself not to. Because the truth was, I'd been waiting to call him my boyfriend and now that he was, I didn't want to let it go despite the fact that he was an angel and I was nothing close.

"About?"

Brandon was prying too much by then and I found myself snapping, "I think that's between me and Paul."

He sighed, raising an eyebrow with a humorless chuckle, "You-"

And I didn't think I could handle anymore scrutinizing so I was grateful when a voice sounded, my head snapping over to look at Paul. His tattooed hand was pushing through his black hair as he turned the corner and I noticed his lack of glasses, paint covering his hand as he stared down at a bottle of dish soap. I could see the redness in his eyes but other than that, there was no evidence of weakness. His voice, however, seemed irritated, "Hey, Brandon, have you seen the Dawn soap because I could've sworn it was on the damn- Julian?"

I hadn't had the chance to meet his eyes because I heard his footsteps getting a little faster, arms twining around me in a second. Brandon was forgotten as I basked in Paul's warmth, shutting my eyes and trying not to let my emotions out again. I couldn't help but hug him back, a paint scent coming over me but I couldn't care less. His lips were by my ear, whispering gently, "Don't run from me again, I was so scared."

"I'm sorry." And I was, I really was after seeing how upset he'd been and feeling how warm he was; I missed him even though we'd only been apart for around five hours.

"I knew you had an issue with PDA but seriously, I didn't think it was that bad." He seemed remorseful and I instantly felt bad. Benji was right, Paul blamed himself and that fucking sucked. He was looking disappointed in himself when I pulled back to look at him and I felt the need to justify.

"That wasn't it. I was getting better with the affection and hand holding and I fucking love kissing you..."

And then I felt eyes staring me down and honestly, it only made me nervous so I found myself gripping his hand underneath Brandon's gaze, pulling Paul back to his room. I didn't like having eyes on us.

Once again, Rilee wasn't there and I could breathe easy, closing the door and getting ready to talk to out but Paul's furrowed brows stopped me. He was looking at me with hurt, licking his plump lips before shaking his head. His eyes flickered to the door.

"I don't want to be a secret, Jules."

It was my turn to be confused. "You're not."

"Then what was that?" He was gesturing to the door and it made sense, it seemed like I was hiding us when all I was trying to do was have a private conversation without his ex-fuck beside us.

"I just don't really want the guy you had sex with to know how shitty I am as a boyfriend." I couldn't help but keep replaying the fact that they had sex over and over in my brain, maybe it was a fact brought to my mind due to my self-conscious thoughts and the constant reminder that Paul was too good for me and he probably knew it as well.

I was putting my guard up, preparing to be dumped and refusing to show any sign of emotion at that point.

His eyes went wide at that, not understanding where I was coming from with that. They were just friends, I knew that but I couldn't help that it bugged me a little. He'd seen Paul naked, he'd had the pleasure of having him underneath and had that connection... That bothered me and so did the fact that he was acting as if he were Paul's boyfriend and he was protecting Paul from me. I didn't like that. He could protect Paul and I couldn't.

The boy in front of me shook his head, "The guy I had... Did he say something because Brandon has that kind of dry humor."

"He didn't say anything." I dismissed because I didn't want there to be any problems between me and Brandon and I surely didn't want Paul to think there was.

"Okay," he could tell I didn't want him to continue because with a nod, he let it go.

"Sorry for leaving you."

"Did something happen?" Was the question is been waiting for but it didn't make me any less nervous even though I was expecting it. I felt Paul's hands on my cheeks, giving me a small, comforting closed mouth smile. I bit my lip, "Why'd you run, baby?"

And fuck, if I wasn't red as hell, "This guy like bumped into me, it was nothing though."

He pulled me towards him, resting his forehead on mine as I closed my eyes, calming down. Paul's voice was soft, "What'd he say?"

"You didn't hear?" I didn't want to repeat it, I really didn't.

He chuckled softly, "I wasn't paying attention to anything but your hand in mine and trying not to kiss you right there."

I didn't want that word to roll off my tongue again considering the fact that I knew how bad it hurt and I definitely didn't want to direct it towards Paul. It physically pained me.

"Tell me, Jules." My eyes opened at that, looking into his and everything else was blurry except for his deep brown eyes. Only, I wasn't crying... Paul was just everything at that moment.

"He -um- he called us fags."

"What?" And the moment was over, him pulling away slightly, mouth gaping and eyes wide as he took in the fact. He seemed more disappointed than offended and I could see the confusion in his eyes, the tears lightly welling but he wiped them away quickly.

"It wasn't anything big, though."

And I was pressed into his chest in a second, arms right around me as I clutched onto him as if he were the only thing keeping me standing. In reality, he was my backbone, my anchor, everything that kept me from falling, "Jules, you should've told me."

"I know."

His voice was shaky, "I would've said something."

"I know."

We were silent for a few minutes and I ignored the sound of his clock ticking, a gentle kiss being pressed to my hair, "Is that why you...?"

"Ran like a wimpy little wuss? Yeah." And I was crying like a wuss, I was acting now like a girl, for once I felt like I had a reason. It still sucked though.

Stop being such a pussy, Jules.

"I'm sorry." Paul's voice had knocked Calum's taunting reminder out and I focused everything on him and only him.

"For what?"

He tightened his hold. "Not protecting you."

And he kissed my cheek before pulling back to look me in the eyes so I'd know he was serious, "I care about you, Jules, maybe too much and I want you to know that. Please, talk to me next time, I was so worried."

I knew he was so burying my face into his chest, I sighed, appreciating him and everything he was. "Can you just hug me for a bit?"

And he did.

: : :

It was later that night, Paul's back turned towards me as we both changed for bed... which mostly consisted of stripping until we were only in our boxers. I'd finished changing minutes before, pants thrown across my duffle bag and one of Paul's plain white tees adorning my torso. I remember that it was one of his oversized shirts, it feeling a bit big on my arms but fitting nonetheless as I picked a loose thread on the bottom of my boxers. Normally, the sight of Paul with little clothing on would turn me on but with so much on my mind, I couldn't relax. There was that lingering of insecurity as he pulled his pants down, arms flexing and back tightening in that fucking hot way.

I noticed the dimples on his back that I must've been too intoxicated (with Paul's ass) before to notice, a cute little freckle right above the left one and I bit my lip. He was adorable and sexy and everything I could think of as he placed a few brushes back into their box from earlier.

He chose not to put any other clothing on but really, I didn't complain.

Biting my lip, I waited fro him to finish and when he was done, he'd flashed me that blinding smile, coming over to stand between my legs, placing a lingering kiss on my lips. I felt the butterflies in my stomach and ignored the fact that I felt like a teenage girl. When he pulled away, he kept his hands on my cheeks and I attempted to ignore how hot they were. My eyes were on his chest instead of his face as I pushed out the question that had been on the tip of my tongue since Benji dropped me off, "You still want to date me?"

"Of course I do, why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know..." But I did know. Paul was amazing and I assumed that he'd try to get out of a relationship with me as fast as he could.

"You're perfect for me, okay?" I didn't believe that... Maybe that's the reason why I kissed him chastely after that, forcing a smile to both distract myself and try and prove that I could be good enough. Maybe that's why I pushed him back onto the bed gently and pulled him close to me, attempting to reassure myself that Paul liked me and that I was being stupid.

I felt him place a kiss on my forehead, hand raking through my hair as I rested on his chest. I was exhausted and I wanted to sleep, maybe I'd feel better in the morning.

A/N:

exhausted jules, jealous jules, and sad paul in one chapter... Still love me?

P.S.
Go check out my new boyxboy called Hurricane Jones.

Synopsis:

If people were natural disasters, he was a hurricane.

Of course you wouldn't know that by just looking at him with those oceanic blue eyes and that windswept blond hair, looking as if he'd just stumbled off of an island. Maybe he looked like he rode the waves instead of creating them.

But he was a hurricane, destructive and utterly antagonistic.

And I just couldn't get enough.

There's two chapters out as of right now and I'm attempting an update once a week since they're short.

xx

Updated: Wed, January 13.