THIRTY:: when you confuse yourself.

Double practice was ultimate hell when it came to Coach and we all could tell it'd be even harder than usual given our current situation. Coach had been yelling up our asses as soon as we all entered the locker room, running his hand over his grayed over beard and telling us to 'get our lazy asses in gear' and frankly, he wasn't wrong. The man mentioned scouts coming soon which had a shiver crawling up my spine and fear to encase me, I didn't dwell on the future yet though; putting it off, I told myself to talk to Paul or my dad about it before I became more stressed than I was.

The stress that we'd been going through was so bad to the point where no snide comments were made when Andy and I made our way to Coach's office.

It was silent as I threw my bag onto the couch by Coach's trophy case, he'd had around thirty different ones. All varied in size and there were pictures of him, younger -must've been around his late teens- his family was surrounding him and Coach looked happy.

Maybe the reason he was so stressed was because he loved the game and we were turning everything he'd worked for into shit. I averted my gaze, attempting to not feel like a complete failure.

And when my eyes landed on Andy's chest, I automatically looked down, gulping and turning back around as quick as possible. He didn't speak until I was sifting through my bag, I was sure he'd seen how uncomfortable I was.

"When is it gonna stop being weird?"

I furrowed my brows at that, when was it going to stop being weird? I didn't know. Maybe when I told Paul and Andy came to terms with it, maybe that would be the turning point but I knew it wouldn't happen. I was supposed to be a loyal friend, help him through it, keep his secrets.

So why did I feel like crap?

"I don't know, Andy."

He sighed and I busied myself with ripping off my shirt, putting on my uniform. "I'm sorry."

Biting my lip, there was an awkwardness in the air when my jeans hit the ground and I pulled my shorts up my legs. And feeling the need to reassure him, I shook my head, "You already apologized."

"I want to fix things, Jules." I was trying to tell myself that there was nothing to fix, that I didn't betray Paul, that Andy had no feelings for me. That was what was so hard: we'd fallen apart, I lied to Paul, and if Andy didn't feel anything for me... He would've kissed Benji or... Or...

Or literally anyone else.

There was something to fix and I realized that, nodding slowly as I turned around and crossed my arms in an attempt to make myself feel at least a little more secure. I had a boyfriend, I cared about my boyfriend and despite what Andy said, Paul was still going to be there. Talking about it wouldn't automatically ruin my relationship and talking about it wouldn't be a bad thing, "Okay."

He looked shocked, eyes widening slightly as he clenched his jaw as if he hadn't expected me to look at him. Andy fiddled with his uniform, looking around and speaking before his eyes could meet mine, "You didn't like it -like- at all, right?" And that was when he looked at me, fear clear in his almost-black eyes and I could tell that he didn't want to mess up where he already felt like he had.

"No," there was no harm in him kissing me, I'd established. There was no harm at all; I mean, I didn't really lie... I just didn't tell Paul, there was no lying. Paul wasn't even my boyfriend at the time. "I'm dating Paul, Andy. I don't feel anything for anyone but him."

He smiled then, biting his lip and busying himself by cleaning his area a little bit. Unlike Ben, Andy was a complete neat-freak... You know, when he wasn't flipping shit over in a fit of rage, "I know... Congrats."

"I didn't tell him." I felt the need to point that out as if it would make me feel less guilty.

"Thank you."

I couldn't stop thinking about Paul and how I never wanted to hurt him despite how forgiving he could be, "Can we forget it happened?"

"Is that what you want?" I didn't know.

"I just- I don't want him to dump me, Andy."

The boy in front of me looked confused, walking closer and all I knew was I didn't want to actually cheat on Paul, I didn't want Andy to make me feel good about myself in a moment of weakness because I was afraid that something would happen. Paul was too good for me and at that point is convinced myself that I had no chance with him because of it.

He's still mine, not Brandon's, not Isaiah's... Mine.

"Why would he?"

Why wouldn't he? "I-I-"

"You didn't do anything wrong... I kissed you, okay? You weren't even dating." But I was freaking out, all of this information was going in one ear and out the other. I was stressed because of soccer, stressed because of Andy, and it was starting to feel like my brain was making up scenarios because I was finally somewhat happy because of Paul and I couldn't just be happy.

It was still my fault. "I kissed you back, I shouldn't have; I messed up and-and-"

"It's not a big deal." I didn't realize I was breathing abnormally until Andy had pulled my hands away from my face. He was looking in my eyes, holding my wrists tight as I felt oxygen leaving my body. I was a liar, I messed everything up and I was a liar.

I felt myself panicking, not as bad as the first time but slowly, it was getting harder to breathe, "he's gonna hate me." Shaking my head vigorously, I hadn't stopped until Andy's hands were gripping my cheeks firmly. I felt myself crying and I could see the fear on his face.

"Breathe? Julian, chill." And I tried, I closed my eyes and I thought of Paul's smile and the first time we met and the feeling of his arms wrapped around me and my senses slowly started returning. It felt like that moment of an earthquake warning without the actual earthquake. It felt like the beginnings of a panic attack and I couldn't really put it into words. Andy was rubbing my arms, talking gibberish and shaking me and he looked terrified.

Mustering up all my strength, I attempted to cool down the warmth in my cheeks that had came rushing back with the sharp intake of air. And the first thing is done was mutter apologies, slipping out of his hold and twining my arms around myself. I didn't want him touching me, I didn't want him to think I was a freak who couldn't breathe properly; so many things were going on at once. I didn't know what happened. "I'm sorry."

"I know, J."

"I'm sorry for liking him and-and for freaking you out and kissing you back and everything. I'm just really sorry." I'm sorry for existing, pretty much.

"I don't have feelings for you so don't feel bad about anything, okay? I'm still your friend, I care about you and if you don't want to talk about it again, it's okay." I was conflicted, I was indecisive, I didn't know whether or not I wanted to talk about it and I couldn't stop assuming that Andy hated me. It all came down to everyone hating me, "Come on, get your cleats on, I-I... Maybe you can sit out? I don't know-"

I couldn't sit out, I knew that. Shaking my head, I hugged myself tighter. Scouts were coming soon, I had a game to prepare for, I was captain. I couldn't sit out because I caused my own panic attack... Because I overanalyzed and made everything complicated and fucked everything up. I was fine, if anything, I should apologize. "I'm fine."

"Julian, you weren't breathing."

"I'm fine," I'd said it around three times in a row, trying to reassure myself that it was okay. I hadn't panicked, I calmed down, I knew how to handle it. "I'm not a kid; I'm okay, seriously."

And it felt like a lie.

: : :

As soon as Paul had dropped his keys onto his dresser, I'd dropped myself on his bed. Rilee, sensing my frustration, was on her feet in a second. She grabbed her laptop and ice cream bowl in two hands, walking over and ruffling my hair before leaving and shutting the door on her way out.

After she had walked in on Paul and I -making out- a few days earlier, she started leaving whenever we entered. I paid no mind to her, my eyes trained on the ceiling as I thought over the day's events. I'd tried to forget my half panic-attack by then, focusing on how sore I was after practice and I hadn't noticed Paul changing.

I didn't fully notice him until the bed dipped and I felt his hand in my hair. He smiled at me before pecking my lips and cuddling into my side and I still felt like shit. More so, I felt like shit compared to him.

He held me there, swinging a toned leg over mine and I felt his arm wrap around me. Assuming he was ready to sleep, I held him there but almost instantly, I felt his lips on my neck and a shiver up my spine. I read the situation completely wrong but I wasn't complaining when he was literally giving me a hickey underneath my ear. I could hear the slight laugh in his voice as he pecked over the spot again, "You look so hot, right now."

For some reason, that made me smile but that smile turned into a rising in my pants when he started running his hand up my chest,  "Fuck, Paul-"

He ran his other hand through my hair, shifting so he was on top of me and resting his forehead on mine. I could feel how turned on he was and I wanted to know why exactly the mood, "You always look really attractive after practice, maybe I should start staying to watch. Your ass looks amazing in those shorts."

He started dominating at that point in time, arms caging on the sides of my head as he licked him lips, my heart beating so fast, "Makes me a little jealous, you know? Everyone seeing you..." And he'd rotated his hips, abnormally horny the one time I kind of wasn't.

But fuck, he knew what to do, "Paul..."

"I missed you today." He whispered, God, he was so perfect. He could sound sweet even with his dick pressing into my thigh and he could look sexy without even trying.

I slid my arms down his shirtless back, gripping his hips and attempting to get him to stop before I got completely carried away. With all the stress, I just wanted to fuck hard and fast and then sleep and I knew we couldn't.

"I missed you too." I tried to force a smile as he frowned down at me, my eyes on his chest instead of his... I didn't want to see disappointment in them or a knowing look that could tell everything was wrong.

"Julian..." And there went the hopes of him letting it go as Paul slid off of me and settle for sitting beside my head, hand playing in my hair. He pouted down at me, eyes confused and actions comforting and I was trying to figure out how he wasn't still hard.

And now, I had three things to be stressed about, "Hm?"

His hand halted in my hair, causing me to look up and catch his brown eyes, the worry deeply embedded in them. Paul had grimaced, biting his lip as he tried to figure out what my problem was, "What's wrong?"

Everything. "Nothing," sitting up, I laid my head in his sweatpant-clad lap and allowed him to continue playing in my hair, the mood gone and the soothing motions on my scalp had distracted me from something sexual. I was calming down, from what? I hadn't known... My mind was a mess that day and only with Paul, I could try and reevaluate everything.

Either way, I was being selfish and maybe that was the cause of my near panic-attack that day... I knew that telling him would calm me down but I couldn't.

I couldn't tell him, I knew that. If I told him, he might've been hurt. If I told him, Andy would be out.

"You're being really weird." I know.

"It's nothing," other than the fact that I feel like shit and I play soccer like shit and I'm a shit friend. "why are you so horny today?"

He shrugged, small smile slipping onto his face and I admired his confidence, "I just really missed you, I don't know. And you had double practice, I wanted to try to be a little spontaneous, help you relax."

Combing his hand through my hair again, he furrowed his eyebrows. Tilting his head, he met my eyes again. Instantly, I averted my gaze, "Did I do something? I -uh- I'm sorry, am I being too forward?"

Too forward? He wasn't being too forward. I was his boyfriend, we liked each other, I fucking loved his body... Of course he wasn't being too forward, I just had too much on my mind, "No, I liked it, a lot."

"Then what's wrong?" I didn't realize I was gnawing on my bottom lip until he'd gripped my chin. His thumb brushed over my lip and I released it, eyes widening at the warmth that spread through my body. Momentarily, I forgot everything wrong but instantly it came rushing back at the frown on his beautiful face. "Julian, relax."

But I couldn't just relax. Sighing, I decided to let him know a little bit of what was going on, maybe I'd feel better harboring one less problem. His thumb went from stroking my lip to caressing my cheek and I wondered how Paul could change everything in one second. I wondered why I felt so safe talking to him and not anyone else and I appreciated when he slid down onto his back and pulled me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me.

He kissed my forehead, pushing me to admitting the first of the issues, "it was such a bad day, Paul. You know how our best defender was cut?"

He nodded, I'd talked about it enough for him to at least know of it. "Yeah..."

Practice was shitty, my back hurt, my calves hurt, my chest hurt; Coach had worked us like dogs and practice ended with him throwing his clipboard. He'd told us to 'just go home,' patience wearing thin and honestly, I didn't blame him. "Well, we literally have no one good enough to play that except for our midfielder and we had to have someone play his position so now everything's a mess."

Some freshman Andy appointed was now playing goalie, a position that he didn't care about since he assumed he was above it. How he got onto varsity was a mystery to me, "Our goalkeeper is playing midfield, Paul, and now we have a shitty goalie... The order is all fucked up."

"You'll figure it out," he reassured, hand running my back soothingly. We were in the position where I was basically talking into his chest, his chin resting on top of my head and I wasn't aware of when Paul pulled his blanket over us.

"I don't have time to figure it out. Coach has been talking to scouts and I don't know when they're coming." And Coach looked so disappointed in the team that I was in charge of, it was depressing. Scouts were coming, I kept reminding myself, I wasn't even aware of where I wanted to go and I certainly wasn't in the mood to believe we could do a complete 180 and turn everything around.

Paul gripped my tighter, kissing the top of my head and I really felt like a burden at that point, "Calm down, okay? I know you'll figure it out. My boyfriend is pretty smart, not to brag..."

And that made me smile, "Shut up."

"When's your next game?" There was a grin on his voice and that made me nervous, what if he wanted to watch me play? What if he came and watched me and was completely disappointed?

"This weekend, why?" With me being in the hospital, I hadn't had the chance to play in a while. My first game back was scary especially when we're all messed up.

"I'm going."

There it was. "You want to go?"

Paul shrugged. I could hear the hesitance, Paul was an artsy guy... Not a sport fanatic, I'd known that. The only thing remotely sporty he'd done was play Fifa. "I mean, I don't really like sports but you like them."

"Paul-"

He cut me off, pulling away slightly to look in my eyes, "I like you and I want to go and support you doing what you love." His voice was stern and he raised an eyebrow as if challenging me.

I felt myself caving, not wanting to have this conversation. Paul always got what he wanted and I knew arguing about it wouldn't change his mind. I would've done pretty much anything to keep him happy, "Okay."

"Good now kiss me a little." Pecking my lips before I even had the chance to respond, he pulled me closer before shifting to straddle me again, back to what had happened before. Only them, I was more into it.

"You're really into this today." I'd commented, excited about the fact that I could finally relax with Paul.

"You look so fucking sexy today."

Leaning up, I placed my lips on his, tasting something sweet as his lips parted. He tasted good, I knew that and I liked it. I liked it a lot. Backing up a little, I smiled up at him, trying to decipher the taste, "Did you have ice cream?"

He chuckled, "Yeah, Rilee and I went to get some. I brought you some if you want it, it's in the freezer."

And he went to move off of me but my hands kept him centered in place. "Finish what you started and I might not need the ice cream."

A/N:

Those of you old enough to vote in Anerica... Please don't do anything stupid. xx

Updated: Wednesday, Feb 10.