[Suicide Note by Akeemjamal Rollins]

TRIGGER WARNING: MINIMAL TALK OF SUICIDE PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

disclaimer: i am so sorry for the drama you are about to read.

THIRTY-SEVEN: when the truth comes out.

Paul and I hadn't talked since the whole "love" dilemma.

Sure, it was only approximately nineteen hours and twenty-six minutes since I'd last seen him but I was anxious. So anxious that after falling asleep on the phone with a smile on my face, I woke up late. I woke up late, I'd put my shirt on backwards, I'd accidentally been late to practice -getting chewed out by coach in front of the team- and I'd still been smiling.

To get out of pestering by the guys, I'd invited them over after school -to help me pack to go over Paul's for the weekend- since Ben had whined that he 'never saw me anymore' and 'lover boy needs to learn how to share.' Of course, that had sparked an argument with Will over 'getting in the way of true love' or whatever and ended with her telling him it wasn't too hard to make him ending up face-down in a kiddie pool look like an accident.

Yeah, they were... Weird.

"Anything new?" Caspar had asked. We'd all been in my room after practice and playing video games and procrastinating on the packing. I had a bag with only a shirt in it so far when we'd gotten distracted. So distracted that Ben had put in a game, Will constantly groaning about how I only had two controllers and how unfair it was that she couldn't play before Benji because 'ladies first.' It was times like these when I'd wish Jade wasn't so absent after school and she'd take Will away because sometimes, she became too much.

Caspar sitting in the corner of my room and staring at his phone, acting all solemn and antisocial since he'd arrived, was getting old too.

And Will was excited, turning her head to the side, he ponytail hitting the side of my face and knocking me off my game. According to Ben, she'd had too much sugar that day and that wasn't really helping with her ADHD. "We got a dog," she'd pretty much screamed out. She was acting more and more like Ben that day and it was getting easier to see how they were related.

Distracted by the racing game he was attempting to beat my ass in, Benji chuckled when I slipped up after Will's interruption and he'd been able to pass me on a drift. Sucking his bottom lip in his mouth, he accelerated and in the most nonchalant voice ever, he spoke, "I met a girl, she's pretty hot."

Caspar had snorted for the first time, "and way outta your league."

And flipping him off, Ben effortlessly got a lap on me in the game and was nearing the finish line.

"I'm bisexual."

That was when it went silent, only the noise of Ben winning the race buzzing through the room, my controller vibrating at the loss and my eyes went wide.

Everyone's eyes went wide.

And then, "Whatchu talking 'bout, fam?" Ben spluttered, head snapping over to meet Andy's gaze. He was laying back on my bed, staring into the crook of his elbow when he'd made his confession. For some reason, I was a bit jealous, he'd figured himself out so quickly and was coming out to his friends and he was way braver than I. Aside from how proud I was, I only wished I wasn't such a coward.

"The fuck?" Caspar had pitched in, bringing my eyes off of the boy on my bed and I looked over at Caspar who's eyes were now fully on Andy and his phone was sat beside him. If I wasn't so sure that these were my friends and I was apart of the group, I'd be sad that I didn't have this. Caspar, the guy who didn't care about anything, was giving Andy his full attention and that was honestly beautiful.

I felt a harsh slap on my shoulder, Ben's fingers clasping around my shoulder blade and his laugh light, "J-man, you gave him..." Looking around as if he were speaking of illegal activities, Ben creeped closer, whispering in my ear, "The Gay."

Will must've heard because her eyes rolled despite the laugh she'd been holding back, "Shut up, Ben." Turning back to Andy, she decided to get up and deposit herself beside him on my bed, pulling his hand away from his eyes and giving him a small kiss on the cheek. Cuddling into his side, she smiled, "we're here for you, babe."

And when they were sitting up against my headboard, Will's head leaning to rest on one of her best friends' shoulder, she started playing with his hand. It was honestly as if she were on drugs, she reminded me of Jade on ecstasy.

And seeing eyes still on him, Andy decided to explain a bit in depth. It seemed as if no one had expected it so it really came as a shock that he liked boys as well and I was still processing that he'd said it out loud, "I uh- I wanted to tell you guys for a while."

Briefly, I'd considered admitting my sexuality but nothing was certain. Quite frankly, I was starting to get sick of not knowing my boundaries when it came to girls. That was something Paul and I were steadily talking about every once and a while. He was trying to help me figure myself out as much as he could.

"Why didn't you?" Benji had perked up, turning his entire body around to look up at my bed and stretching his too-long legs out, I followed suite not bothering to close the door because my dad wouldn't care about this conversation if he were to hear. They all know I liked guys, I'm sure with Andy it would be no different, "We can't judge you, fam, we've all sang some Jhene Aiko about eating booty like groceries." And he'd nonchalantly shrugged when my cheeks started burning.

"Shut up, Ben." Caspar interjected, ignoring the rest of us completely as he grabbed the stress-ball from the side of my bed and threw it at the boy beside me. His eyes were back on his phone, seemingly interested in the context of something I could only identify as a picture.

"Oo, I bet it's because of that scrawny kid that assisted in the winning shot last game," Will spoke again, nearly too loud and all of our eyes were on her. She'd wiggled her eyebrows at my co-captain,  "I saw you lookin' at him."

Andy wouldn't go for Casey. Not Johnny Casey, that kid was adorable and fast as fuck but he was like twelve.

"Nah," Andy rolled his eyes, emphasizing my point I'd made in my head, "he's fifteen and I'm not stupid."

"He's cute." Will interjected yet again and I was wondering when she'd find someone of her own.

Oh, right, Pete.

"He's young." Andy had rejected the thought again, voice firm and almost as if he were injecting it into all of our heads as well as his.

Shrugging, Will held her hands up for Ben to thrown the stress ball at her and caught I effortlessly, unlocking Andy's fingers from his jeans and placing it gently in his hand before closing his grip herself. "How'd you find out you were bi, then? If it wasn't with him..."

Don't tell them, don't tell them, they don't need to know.

His hand was tight on the stress ball and then he let the events of our secret rendezvous spill through his lips, "Well, I kissed- I kissed Jules." His eyes weren't on me but on the ceiling and I wished we weren't having this conversation. Even Caspar was looking at me, studying me, making me uncomfortable.

And then he spoke, directly to me, "Dude, you guys...? Since when?"

"We're not together." I had to rush out, Andy stumbling over my words with a "We kissed once but it wasn't a big deal at all."

Ben laughed, harder than I'd ever heard him laugh and he'd fallen over on me, trying to catch his breath while I was trying to figure out what was so funny. "You f-f-fake-dated and there were... hahaha there were still -oh my god- locker room makeouts. I can't breathe, I can't." I'd stared down at Ben who was convulsing in laughter on my lap and looked around to see if anyone else had noticed his weird laugh attack. Yeah, their entire family was on drugs.

And then, "Aren't you dating the painter?" Will's eyebrows were furrowed, body still bent up next to Andy and I realized that they were still waiting on an explanation.

"I am." And I love him.

"And you kissed Andy?" Caspar's brows were raised as he looked at me the same way he looked at Jade for the first couple weeks following her exposure. As if he couldn't believe we'd actually done something so cruel but I didn't cheat on Paul, he had to know that. "Dude..."

Opening my mouth to explain, everything went silent, my mouth going dry, my heart beating way too fast for me to catch up and I felt Ben shoot up out of my lap and spin around. It must've already passed six-thirty because Paul was there, in the door, carrying his jacket over his shoulder and two cups in his hand. "Yeah, really."

I'll never forget the look on his face, his face morphed into one of pain, eyes staring straight at me so I could see the hurt. His hands were slightly shaking as he let out a chopped sigh.

And I felt awful.

"What're you..." How did he get in my house, how did I not hear him come in? What time is it?

"Your dad let me in..." He trailed off, briefly looking back, eyes immediately cutting to Andy who was sitting wide-eyed on my bed. Looking back at me, he shook his head, voice almost gone, "sorry I interrupted."

"Paul-"

Moving closer towards him, I tried to gage his reaction to see how much he'd heard but he'd heard enough. He'd heard enough that when I got close enough, he shoved my cup towards me, some tea hitting the side and the lid popping up a bit for a spill to make its way onto my shirt. But that wasn't important.

What was important was that my boyfriend was stepping back from me as if he didn't know me, betrayal in his eyes, "I..." And then he shook his head, stepping further away so he could take one last hurt-filled glance at me, "I'm so fucking stupid."

Turning away, he made his way back the way he came.

"Shit." I was gripping my hair tightly, eyes squeezed shut at my stupidity and then I was putting the cup down and rushing to pull on shoes.

"I didn't know he was..." Andy's voice was small, eyes barely meeting mine but I didn't care about that. I needed to talk to Paul now before he left. "I'm sorry, J."

"I-I gotta go..."

"Good luck, man." Ben had wished me but all I knew was Paul was sad and I had to fix it.

"Shit just got interesting."

And I was running out the room as Will slapped Caspar on the arm, provoking a cry of pain. "Shut up, Cas."

: : :

He was pissed.

That much was obvious when I'd followed him outside and he was starting his car when I'd slipped into the passenger seat. His hand was tight on the arm rest almost as if he wasn't ready to drive away. He'd heard me come in, that much was obvious when his eyelids flutter open a bit and he looked in my direction, almost at my eyes when he snapped his head back. My heart dropped at the fact that he refused to look at me, his breathing harsh.

Everything about him was tense: jaw clenched tightly, eyes screwed shut and his entire body was rigid, he wasn't relaxed as he always was in his car. I didn't think I'd notice a change in his shoulders but sitting there in the car beside him, I saw how high they were, his body unable to slouch and from where I was sitting, the street lights had reflected into him, eyes shining and glistening with moisture.

"Baby—"

"You're fucking Andy?" It was angry and sounded like it hurt to spit out. He was staring straight forward, "that's what Calum was talking about?"

"No."

I didn't know what to say besides explain and apologize but Paul didn't seem ready, "Are you okay?"

"Is that really what you want to ask right now?" His voice was sharp and I felt like he'd punched me, I kinda wish he did. Paul never talked to me that way, always understanding lacing his tone and he was always willing to talk things out.

I found myself reassuring him, or at least trying to, reaching for his hand on the armrest but I didn't get far, him yanking his hand away as if I was going to burn him. I wanted to cry, "It was just a kiss." He probably was thinking along the lines of Andy and I having some sort of connection beyond one kiss. I'd only ever seen him mad with me like this once: when I'd brought up Brandon at the wrong times and it sounded as if I were pressuring him into sex.

But even then, he'd forgiven me quickly and he'd let it go after we talked more about it and I'd explained myself.

This time he was staring at me like I'd done something unforgivable and maybe he was right. "What the fuck, Julian?" His gaze was disbelieving, mouth open as if he were attempting to figure out what I was saying.  "Just a kiss or not, you still cheated on me." And his voice was hoarse, tears threatening to spill out but he refused them, shaking his head before leaning back in his seat. Chuckling bitterly, he turned his head to look out the window and that was when I realized why he was so mad. He didn't hear that much of the conversation or maybe, he'd just misinterpreted because he'd thought that I cheated with Andy and that would've been the end of us.

Without looking at me, he continued, "Let me guess? Got bored of me? Regret it completely, never meant to hurt me? Or some bull like that."

"No. No, no, no, it wasn't like that," I couldn't get bored of him, I wouldn't ever get bored of him. Paul was caring and thoughtful and had lame jokes but they were cute, his past boyfriend hadn't treated him the way he deserved and really, I wasn't treating him the way he needed to be. But I loved him, I loved him so much, and he was slowly revealing himself to me. I'd never do something like this to him. "It was before we got together." I cared about him so much that I couldn't handle being without him, I couldn't handle him being this upset with me, "Baby, you have to trust me, I'd never cheat-"

"You kissed him, not too long ago or else you wouldn't look as guilty." And then he asked me the question that I'd been pestering myself about since he found out, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"He asked me not to."

"Of course he didn't want you to tell your boyfriend, Julian."

Why didn't I tell him? I mean, I know I didn't want to hurt Andy but Paul definitely didn't deserve this hurt either.

I fucked up. I fucked up bad and I intended to fix it.

"Well, technically, he kissed me," Paul scoffed, eyes rolling as he turned away, my hand caught his, "but I didn't really push him away so I'm not gonna act like I didn't participate."

I was trying to be one hundred percent honest, trying to get everything off my chest so I didn't have to hide anything else from him. I trusted Paul and I wasn't being fair to him. I needed to break this cycle and so far, it'd been a fail. "I'm really sorry, Paul, I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone."

"I'm not just anyone." And he wasn't. He was so important to me and I was such an ass and why did I do this again? Why did I promise Andy anything? Why couldn't things just be the way they were the night before? But life always ended up going wrong, we couldn't be happy for too long, and it was always my fault.

"You told me nothing was happening between you guys... You know how I feel about this kind of stuff."

I wanted to bring up the fact that he was living with Brandon and they'd actually slept together but I couldn't make such a low blow, I knew it wouldn't go over well.

"I know and I swear, I never cheated on you. It was before we started dating."

Sighing, Paul sighed, turning his keys back and his car off. He'd looked conflicted, as if he wanted to be mad but he were trying his hardest to understand. Paul was amazing and I was a dick, "How long before?"

"Um," I didn't want to say it, I did not want to say it, "the same day Rilee kissed me." I shouldn't have said it.

And he breathed out a sharp breath, pain in his eyes as he looked down and I know that had to hurt. I knew it when he looked back up at me as if he didn't believe a word I was saying and spoke louder, harsher, "before?" The was anger on his face, masking the hurt and he wiped at his face, leaning back in his seat.

"Paul-"

His voice was muffled but I could hear him clearly and I knew he wasn't saying it out of spite, "I'm so stupid."

"Y-you're not..." He was giving up on me, I could see it, he didn't trust me and he was mad at himself for even thinking he could, "I don't like him, I didn't like him, it was a heat of the moment kind of thing. I was gonna tell you."

When exactly were you going to tell him?

"And you've never kissed him before? People think you're dating and you've never—"

"No... he was upset and h-he was confused and—"

But that didn't stop Paul, he seemed to be convincing himself that I was into Andy and that led to him tugging on his hair and shutting his eyes. I could tell he wanted to cry, I'd never seen Paul cry before. "Are you attracted to him?"

"Babe."

"Are you into him, yes or no?"

"Paul, why is this even a question?"

"You're kissing him, he's in your house—"

"There are a million people in my house right now—"

"Am I not enough?"

"Paul, it-it shouldn't be this serious."

He laughed then and I always said the wrong fucking thing. "So I have to deal with you randomly getting mad at me because I fucked Brandon months before we dated, something I can't change, but I have no right to be mad about this?"

He was always good at reminding me of where I lacked. And he was so sad now, I hated it. His voice was loud but shaky like h read trying to keep himself composed.

"You deliberately lied to me, Jules and you had plenty of chances to tell me."

He shrugged as if he didn't believe a word I'd said and I saw how deep his trust issues really went. "Unless it was more than once."

"No." I couldn't even believe that he'd ask me that.

"Be honest with me."

"I'm telling you the truth." And I hated that that didn't feel like enough. I'd hurt him but I really did think he trusted me a little more than this.

"...Then—"

"It wasn't like that." At all. "I'm sorry, baby... I really am. Please don't hate me—"

His head stayed forward, eyes staring on the road, the sun setting, "I don't like Andy. We kissed, I didn't expect it and I didn't like it either. It's you and me, okay? I'd never sabotage that."

"He was... experimenting. He kissed me cause he didn't know if he liked guys, and I don't know why I w-went along with it..."

"Everyone else knew but me?"

"Only Jade."

His tattooed hand came up to wipe his face gently, bottom lip pulled into his mouth as I held his slack hand tighter. He was crying; Paul was crying and it was my fault. My heart sank, I'd seen him tear up before... Mostly from laughter but never had he cried in front of me and to think that it was because he thought he wasn't enough for me, I know I hit a soft spot. "He's pretty attractive, I'd get why you-"

"You're perfect, what are you talking about?"

It wasn't all about me from the way he was speaking, he was thinking back to his ex, thinking that I was the same. He was thinking that I would be the same as Nic, the guys had warned me about him. Warned me that Nic had hurt him like this, Paul had warned me too and I still lied to him and I still kept this from him and I made a mistake.

"He plays your sport, he's good at what you're good at and has a great body and you've known him longer and..." slipping his hand off his face, he wiggled his other out of my grasp, "and he's not living in a stupid dream that barely makes profit-"

"It's you." He was an artist, he was great at it and seeing someone so full of confidence break like this was the worst feeling is ever experienced.

At least I thought it was when he looked over at me, sadness in his features and arms going to wrap around himself as if he'd never been so self-conscious in his life, "But-"

"I like you..."

"He's a friend, honest to God. I'm sorry for making you think you're not amazing. I-" Cutting myself off midway, I hesitated. It just felt so real to tell him I loved him and that was something I didn't wanna freak over.

"I like you so much," Looking away, he wiped at his eyes again, lips set in a grimace and I chewed gently on my bottom lip, "I care about you."

He was silent.

"You can even talk to Andy, ask him about it, I wouldn't hurt you like that."

I knew he wasn't gonna speak again and he proved me right when he'd nodded.

"You're upset... And you have a right to be." Looking down at my lap, I tried to explain that I understood what I did and I was preparing for him to break up with me. "I'm sorry for lying and I'm sorry for kissing him. I get it if you don't wanna talk about it right now-"

"Anymore secrets since you seem to have a lot of them?"

And I deserved that but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt.

Trying to explain myself again, I had nothing left to say, "I..." My head hurt, my heart hurt and I knew he was feeling ten times worse.

"Yeah." Casting me a brief glance, he quickly stared back at the road, hand going to start his truck, "Could I have some space?"

"Oh." The pang in my chest had started to numb.

"I just need to be alone for a little bit, Julian." He still wasn't looking at me and just for that I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I really deserved this, I deserved him hating me and being harsh with me and I didn't need an explanation. "I don't really like being upset with you."

He shouldn't have to explain himself but that's how Paul was and he was so soft-spoken and still cautious about my feelings when I just wanted him to scream at me. Tell me how wrong I was, be mad at me but he was just looking at me as if he didn't blame me. As if he were the one who'd caused it somehow.

He hadn't even flinched from how loud I was being. "Yell at me, be upset with me, anything Paul. Come on, don't shut me out."

He let out another sharp breath, voice weak, "Please leave."

And realizing that I was only hurting him more, I nodded to myself, reaching for the door handle, I was about to step out, "I'll just finish packing my things and I'll sleep on the couch."

"I think you should stay home this weekend." He muttered once I was out the door, my hand gripping tight at it and he struggled to meet my eyes.

"What?"

"I'll call you later," it felt as if he'd ounces me in the throat, as if he ripped everything away from me and I could only flame myself. "I need to think."

"Oh."

"I-" his voice was stronger than before, as if he had been planning this for a while and he spoke in a rushed tone. "I don't know if I can do this."

Clutching at my chest, I tried to stop myself from crying but there were already tears falling down my cheeks as I stepped back, shutting the door to his car. He was breaking up with me, he was really breaking up with me over this.

"I don't know if I'm ready for something like this."

And his eyes caught mine he could see the hurt, "I shouldn't have said that- I didn't mean it..." Shaking his head, he looked back at the road, at me once more before cursing, "I just-I'll call you."

When he'd pulled out of my driveway, my heart had dropped to my knees.

: : :

He didn't call.

He didn't call and I'd been up waiting, trying to give him the space he wanted but it was three am when I'd woken up, my chest constricting. It hurt, it physically hurt to think about him being done with me over this and it'd gotten worse when I couldn't stop it. I didn't know how to stop it without him there, I never experienced a panic attack without him there, I'd become too dependent.

Paul never went a night without calling me.

What if he hated me? What if he's with Brandon? What if something bad happened? What if something bad happened to him?

My memories weren't working, nothing was working and I could feel myself shaking slightly as I laid in bed. It started in my arms, hands clawing at my sheets as I attempted to calm myself down, Paul's tear-filled eyes coming into view as I slammed mine shut, crying out yet no sound escaped. I didn't want to freak out over this, I was being too dramatic, panicking over a boy that didn't love me anymore.

Jade was in the room over, I could call her, have her hold me while I suffered but I couldn't find it in me. My sister didn't need to know about what went on inside my head, she didn't need to be scared. She didn't need to see me thrashing on my bed as if I was having a seizure and she...

She probably wouldn't even care. No one would care.

By then, I'd convinced myself I was dying but I suddenly didn't want to, there was a possibility Paul would be awake. I could at least tie up loose ends with him, get him not to hate me and then I could stop breathing. It would be that simple. I'd began listing a will in my head, maybe an autobiographical obituary.

Tell Andy I forgive him, tell Benji he's my best friend and I love him, tell Calum... Never mind don't tell Calum anything, tell Will and Caspar and Rilee and Landon... Even Brandon that I'll miss them and they made my last few months so much better than I could've imagined.

Tell Jade I'm sorry I wasn't there for her, please tell Jade I'm sorry and I'll miss her and she needs to get her life together because she has so much more to live for.

Tell my mom I was going to hell and she could move back in and raise the kid she still claimed.

By then, by then my body didn't feel like mine anymore and my limbs thrashed hazardously, beads of sweat collecting on my forehead. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't breathe.

Sliding my shaking hand over, I attempted to grip my phone, it slipping out of my hold before I could unlock it.

My body was going into its own personal earthquake, my lungs felt like they were failing. I tried again, all my strength going into gripping my phone, putting my thumb over the home button and going to the call log so I could get this over with. I wouldn't die on bad terms with the guy I was in love with.

Love. The guy I was in love with.

But he didn't love me, he hated me, he had to... He kicked me out of his car. I hurt him, I hurt him, I hurt him.

I wasn't aware of when he'd answered, maybe I was secretly hoping he didn't. He would hang up on me once he heard my voice and I couldn't take hearing how much I'd hurt him.

"Julian? It's four in the morning." His voice was groggy, as if he'd just woken up and I curled myself into a ball, instinctively, almost wishing he were there holding me. I'd gotten so far into my panic that I'd barely remembered my name.

But I damn sure didn't forget his.

I tried, desperately, to get my voice above a whisper, it coming out weak and cracking every five seconds. I'd been gasping for breath, "P-p-Paul. I can't- I can't-"

It felt as if a weight was sitting on my chest, my hands instinctively shifting up to grasp at my shirt, pulling it, crying in pain. My words came out as blurred gibberish, hands attempting to push away a weight that never existed. Tell my dad I'm not a man, I'm weak and I hate myself and I'm a failure and I wanna die and I'm sorry-

And then he spoke. His voice was hurried yet still calm, washing over me like a tide and I wanted to drown. "Calm down, baby," I was trying with everything in me, trying to get my shirt off, kicking at the blankets, trying to get louder and hoping Jade could hear, I'd become a personified contradiction. Paul's side held sound, shuffling almost, it was as if he were right there, "are you okay?"

"I c-c-can't-"

He was collected as he spoke, voice gentle but firm as I clutched the phone so tight, my knuckles turned white. Maybe if he were there, everything would be better, maybe I could grip the phone so tightly it turned to dust and Paul appeared, maybe this was all a dream. Sharp pains in my chest brought me back, my lungs bursting out of my chest, "I need you to calm down. You're panicking, okay? You'll be okay. Everything will be okay, just take a deep breath, baby."

Okay, okay, okay but nothing was okay.

I tried to, my body trembling and his voice was the only thing I could hear. There was something crawling up my spine and my legs went numb and I held onto my knees tightly, lips quivering and a victim to my own subconscious.

There was an anxiousness in his voice, a creak that resembled his getting out of his bed and I heard a clatter. "Hold on," his voice was far away as he spoke urgently, "Just think about other things, I'm on my way."

I was finding it difficult to think of anything but dying, him, and Hell. Paul was my own personal heaven maybe I could suffer Hell for that month with him and be okay. I only wanted him, "Pl-please d-d-don't hang up."

"I wouldn't."

Think of Paul. Paul's eyes, Paul's voice, that cute way Paul smiled when he thought I wasn't looking. Just him.

I was never really good at words but Paul didn't need words, Paul was nonsense syllabus because he was far too amazing to be described as great. Paul was me trying to breathe and he was also my air.

"Paul..." It wasn't working much, my heartbeat was decreasing only slightly but i'd managed to level my breathing just enough to gasp out his name.

"What's your favorite color, Jules?" I could hear his car starting after a few minutes and I knew he was rushing. I was making him drive at four in the fucking morning because I couldn't get my breathing under control, God, I hated myself.

"Julian? Favorite color?" Why was he asking things like this at a time like this? Didn't he already know this? Why wasn't he hanging up? Why couldn't I let out that goodbye and stop? I just wanted it to stop.

"Navy bl-blue..." I'd answered, realizing that he probably had reasons. He probably wanted to know what color suit I wanted at my funeral. I'd only ever been to one funeral in my life: Calum's grandfather, I remember they had a viewing of the body first. I remember he was in a dark green suit and I remember Calum's grip on my hand was tight and his tears were on my shirt.

He didn't care how gay it looked.

Paul's voice pulled me back and I felt my breathing become more labored, tears burning in my eyes, "I like green more, mostly the color of your eyes."

No, don't make me fall more in love with you, no, "P-Paul-"

"I see us getting married one day." No you don't, you'd never in a million years stoop so low.

But if I told him that, he'd ask me what I meant and I couldn't get into that conversation. My heart sped, faster to rival Calum's old track scores, faster to rival Johnny Casey and in a fit of sweat and tears, I'd ripped my shirt off, trying to make myself cold so I didn't overheat. "You hate m-m-me."

"No, I don't, beautiful," and he hadn't spoken any louder but I could hear him fumbling with his phone and suddenly, it felt as if I were put on speaker, "I could never hate you."

"Stop lying."

Switching the subject, he asked another question, voice soft and soothing, "Would you like a dog?"

"What?"

"When we're married, do you want a pet?"

Marrying Paul? Marrying Paul sounded like a dream that I wasn't good enough for, "I guess."

"What's your favorite movie, baby?"

"Stop... St-stop a-a-asking me questions." Stop because you're making me love you more, you're making it hurt more.

"Answer it, Jules."

I couldn't think of anything beside him. "You. Y-you're... you're my favorite everything."

"I saw this movie with Rilee the other day, thought you might like it. Would you like to watch a movie with me when I get there?"

"s-stop."

"Stop what, baby?" His voice was still calm, he knew what he was doing, "Slower, okay?"

"Treating me... like... a kid." But I could feel my panic leaving, my body collapsing against the sheets as my heart rate slowed. Paul stayed up with me, asking me questions, talking to me until I could calm down effectively.

We went from subject to subject and my panic had simmered down to a slight twitch. That morning we talked about everything from his childhood to the future that he always made sure to fantasize about in a way that included both of us, a couple kids, and a dog.

"Okay," he'd said in the middle of a conversation about his favorite artist, my ears weren't ringing anymore and my legs were only a bit shaky, "open the door, I'm pulling onto your street right now."

And when I'd successfully pulled myself out of my bed and made it down the stairs on weak legs, I'd opened the door to Paul. His hair was a mess, glasses covering his eyes, his checkered pajama pants were on tucked messily into some old worn sneakers but his smile was soft. "P-Paul."

His eyes red-rimmed and nose stuffed as he sniffled, I hurt him so much and he was still there.

Pulling me into his arms, he allowed me to sob into his cold white long-sleeve, t-shirt, his lips in my hair.

"Shush, it's okay, I'm here." Placing a soft kiss on my head, he held me for a few minutes before backing me into my house and softly shutting the door. Turning the locks, he held me to his chest again, "C'mon, let's go to your room."

And after dragging me up my stairs, he'd laid down beside me on my bed, hand pushing my hair from my forehead gently despite the fact that we were further than usual. He didn't want to get too close and I knew he was pushing himself when he'd offered, "Do you want me to hold you?"

I didn't want him to be uncomfortable but I really loved his arms around me so gulping, I retorted with a question. "Can you?"

"Come here," pulling me towards his chest, he spoke softly, voice groggy with sleep and I knew I had exhausted him enough, "you're so perfect, so so pretty and beautiful and amazing and just goddamn perfect."

"Paul..." I wanna die, Paul.

"Shush. It's okay, what made you sad, baby?"

"I don't know." You're too good for me, I'm not good enough, you're gonna leave me. I have way too many problems, "Please don't break up with me."

"I'm not gonna, why would I?" You should.

"You were really mad at me, I just thought-"

Cutting me off, he spoke harsher, almost as if he were convincing himself and I knew that he didn't trust me as much as he used to, "It was before we got together."

"But-"

"I'm not breaking up with you, Jules."

I had too many problems, he needed to find someone else. He needed someone better than me and soon.

A/N:

YO YO YO OKAY SO THIS IS ALL THE DRAMA FOR A WHILE SINCE I'VE PUT YOU GUYS THROUGH A LOT. TONS OF JULES GETTING HIS LIFE BACK TOGETHER AFTER THIS BUT BABY HAD TO BREAK DOWN IN ORDER TO REALIZE HE NEEDED HELP.

i'm sorry.

I told myself not to write a really sad author's note surrounding the tragedies of these past few days in America so I just want to tell you guys to be safe. Be lgbt+ and be proud and be safe, you're gonna get through this. We're gonna get through this, we always do.

Updated: Wed, June 15.