(She's Kinda Hot by 5SecondsofSummer) Longest chapter ever because you guys have been there for me and supported me and a lot of stuff needs to be handled in this book. Don't expect long chapters too often though. xx

THIRTY-FOUR: when cheating is prohibited.

I hadn't seen Pete in a while.

Really, since the whole Ricky problem, Pete had stayed away from me and Benji almost as if he were avoiding us. Whenever Ben would say he'd seen him, Pete miraculously disappeared so of course I wasn't expecting him to start a conversation with me.

"Here." His voice was timid, glasses perched lower on his nose as he refused to look up at me. His bottom lip was tucked into his mouth, eyes hitting the ground and I felt bad for some reason I didn't understand. The bruises around his neck had faded but there was still a faint purple to his nose and despite it almost being gone, that made me angry. Ricky had hurt him and I couldn't do anything further. The kid was suspended, the kid was unable to play in our last game but that wasn't enough for me when Paul's little brother looked so down.

Pete handed me something, a slip of paper between his pointer and middle finger and hands covered by his too-long sleeves. He looked timid but he didn't seem to want to talk so curiously, I took the note.

Unfolding it, I'd realized it was a slip of Paul's colored watercolor paper and frowned. It was my favorite color, a pale blue, my name written in capital letters on the front.

I flipped it open.

I'm an artist not a poet so I know this'll sound a little cheesy but the day I first met you, I'm sure I stopped breathing. Sure life isn't easy but I knew that life with you would be breezy.

Side note: don't laugh at me, Benji.

And Benji was standing beside me, biting on his knuckle to stifle his laughter, I smiled. Paul was amazing but I knew deep down, I'd become really awkward if this was some big elaborate dinner. I wasn't used to big birthday celebrations... I turned to Ben, ready to tell him how great Paul was, ready to tell him about our date the night before and his gift and just everything.

Ben never found it gross, contributing to the discussion with his opinion of girls he was into and he even let me talk about kissing and shit, it wasn't weird, it felt like a real friendship. I didn't have to hide that I liked guys and he wasn't repulsed by it.

I was smiling to myself, admiring the way there was a few paint splatters on the side of the paper, almost as if he were rushing and that was when I read the side note again. How did he know I was with Ben?"Wait, how did he know-"

Ben cut me off, pulling a second note out of his pocket, this time it was a pale pink, "Because I have your second note from maccheesy, mahneezy." And he chuckled, tossing it towards me.

I caught it, sputtering out a "What?" As I held the paper in between my hands. Sometimes Ben said some weird stuff.

He rolled his eyes at me, pushing my hand towards me, "Open it." And that I did.

Don't freak out, this isn't some corny movie where you're the winner and I drag you to the woods for a candlelit dinner (to be slaughtered perhaps), it's something better." Thank God. "You need to relax and kick back, let me work my magic.

You're amazing, baby, don't forget that.

"Did he get all you guys?" I'd asked, attempting to simmer my blush down and Ben smiled teasingly, gesturing towards the paper.

"Read the back."

P.S. Yes, everyone's in on it.

: : :

I was anxious when I'd sat down at lunch. During my math class, Benji had kept pestering me about the smile on my face and even the glares from Calum's jockey's couldn't upset me. There was an everlasting warmth that has resided in me as I sat with Paul's notes clutched in my hand. God, I lov-liked him.

I liked him and that was why my heart was beating so fast when I made my way to the cafe, Benji hot on my trail and I sat down with a turkey sandwich Rilee had made for me. She seemed like the mom of the group, for sure.

My lips were turned up in a grin as Andy stole half of my sandwich and I didn't even complain.

"You look like you got some bomb ass dick." Benji laughed, shoving me to the side and my cheeks went red. Will rolled her eyes, looking like she wanted to hit her brother but not wanting to put forth the effort and Andy nearly choked.

That was when Caspar spoke up, picking a piece of yellow paper out of his pocket and looking straight at me. I could see my name sprawled across the front of it when he sighed, "So your corny ass boyfriend gave me this stupid ass paper."

And Will rolled her eyes again, shoving Caspar to the side, "Cas!"

"Here." He grunted, tossing the paper at me before laying his head on the table again, Will combing through his hair with her manicured fingers. She smiled sadly, maybe it was at the fact that he seemed so out of conversation that day and I had a feeling it had to do with my sister.

Rolling my eyes, I mocked, "Thanks, Chris." Earning a middle finger yet Caspar hadn't even sat up to look at me.

Deciding to save that for another day, I opened the note.

I know we've only gone on two dates but babe, you make my heart shake, bend, and hopefully not break. (Yes, that's a Troye Sivan reference.) By now I've given up rhyming but all I know is we do better just being together. Did that rhyme? Oh, I'm a poet and I didn't even know it.

I hope that made you smile, you have a pretty smile.

And a nice ass too.

There I was blushing again.

To save myself the embarrassment of acting like a lovesick teenage girl, I folded the note back with the others and shoved them in my pocket. We'd continued with lunch and everything seemed to be looking up. Since the game, the school seemed to have balanced out their hate with nonchalance and no one has bothered me; like was getting significantly better.

Three more cute notes later and it was time to leave school for the day. Apparently, Paul knew I was into simple things and made sure not to make everything extravagant which I appreciated. The notes were simple compliments in between classes that were corny yet still adorable, just like Paul.

And as soon as I'd thrown open the door to his truck, I'd attacked him in a hug, kissing him once I was buckled in and I clutched the notes. There was dry paint on his fingernails and a dopey grin on his face as we pulled away from the school and I tangled my fingers with his. His shirt wasn't all that messy nor was his hair that day and I noticed the sheet in the backseat and a few pillows, I chose not to comment.

"Did you like them?" Paul had asked, he was nervous, my mind going back to the pieces of colorful paper in my hand. I smiled back at him although he couldn't see me and traced his tattoos with the tip on my index finger. He was so beautiful it was a crime.

"I loved them."

He smiled then and I felt as if I'd die happy. If I could keep a picture of this moment I would when I released his hand and it rested on my thigh for me to play with his fingers. I was seriously considering marrying this man at that moment, that was for sure. One day, he'd make someone very happy, "Good, now, I know you prefer small gestures so I don't have a big date planned... I hope that's okay."

I must've looked crazy because my smile went so wide my face hurt and I leaned over to rest my head on his arm, "It's great, Paul."

"Alright," taking my hand back in his, he squeezed a bit, plush bottom lip pulled into him mouth. I wanted to kiss him, "well, how does a private movie by the lake and then Fifa and chill sound?"

"It sounds like the best day ever."

He'd set up a homemade projector in the trunk of his jeep, a movie playing on his phone and through some speakers that Rilee had yelled at me about touching a few days prior. A sheet was positioned over some trees and a small little area was set up on the ground with bean bags and blankets, Paul had really thought of everything. It wasn't anything chick-flicky like roses nor was it anything too tame, it was my new favorite movie with my favorite boy and that was what made it perfect.

: : :

"This was one of the best birthdays I've ever had." In all honesty, it was the best, Paul knew how to make me happy and I just couldn't fathom why he'd chosen me.

"One of them?" Paul scoffed, pulling me closer and I laughed, poking my lips out and he turned in mock-offense, ending with me kissing his chin. I shrugged and he rolled over onto me.

"Well, I went to Dave and Busters a few years ago and it was lit, bro." Twining my hands around his neck,
I pulled him in for an actual kiss. Paul chuckled at my choice of words, I'd been hanging out with Benji too much.

"Don't bro me, it's weird." He whined when he could finally pull away.

"Bro, bro, broooo."

And then he was gently slapping my arms away when I tried to get closer, "Shut up."

"Make me, bro."

I didn't expect a kiss but really I wasn't complaining when Paul ended up straddling me, his hands in my hair when he'd pulled away. I loved when we could just joke around with each other. Paul pouted, "Don't call me bro."

I smiled, sitting up so he slid to my lap and then I took his bottom lip in between my teeth, nibbling for a bit before letting go and pecking him again, "No offense but that was so bromo."

That was when he laughed, shoving me back by my arms and I fell gently to the pillows, my laughter getting a bit high pitch, "Shut up."

When we'd finally sobered from our laughter,
Paul's leg was wrapped around mine and his head was on my shoulder, I felt as if I could tell him anything and I wanted to so squeezing his side, I let out a shaky breath, "Can I tell you something, Paul?"

He chuckled, "What no bro this time?"

"It's a little serious."

It was silent and then he sat up on his elbow beside me and looked over, I could feel his eyes on my face but I continued to look up at the ceiling, afraid of seeing the look on his face when I told him.

"Yeah, you can tell me."

I sighed, my heart was beating really fast, I almost stopped breathing, "So, I've been- I realize I feel... I-"

And then my phone rang. I stopped immediately, Paul reaching over to his bedside table and retrieving my phone before frowning down at it. I kept my eyes on him when he furrowed his brows. "It's Jade." Handing my phone to me, I was confused.

"She never calls." Jade hated talking on the phone almost as much as she hated physical contact so answering, I knew it had to be serious, "Hello?"

She didn't even spare a greeting, her voice coming out rushed, "Dad's been crying, a lot."

"What?"

She sighed, slowing down a bit and I could hear her hesitance, "I'm really worried about him. He, like, says he's fine but I can hear the conversations with the lawyers and he barely comes out of his room now and-" she paused and if felt like she's hung up, that was when she spoke, her voice slightly quiet and even more broken that I was already sure of my best sentence, "I need you, Jules."

"Okay, hold on, okay? What if I came home for a couple nights?" I wasn't going to leave her that upset and from the corner of my eye, I could see Paul frown but this was Jade. Jade never asked for help, not even with the slut shaming, and I needed to be there for her.

"I'd really like that."

"Paul?" It was the first time I'd realized he was fidgeting with the blanket and I felt really bad suddenly. Paul was very important to me but Jade needed me.

He still didn't look at me when he nodded, "Yeah, of course... Anything you want, baby."

"Okay, Jay, I'll be there tomorrow."

She sniffled a bit and I knew she'd hated to have me comment on it so I ignored the sound when she whispered out an "Okay. Happy birthday."

It's my birthday and you called me about this.

"I love you." I made sure to remind.

And despite the way she grumbled and immediately hung up, I didn't miss the soft "Love you too, bro."

"I'm sorry you have to deal with that on your birthday."

"It's ok."

"It's not." I knew he was talking about my mom. I knew he overheard all of it and instead of pretending he didn't, he used the chance to validate me.

"Thank you." I'd sighed, leaning back into bed and pulling Paul closer to me. Burying my face in his neck, I felt his strong arms wind back around me and I smiled to myself.

"No problem... I'm gonna miss waking up to you."

"I'm gonna miss you, too."

Optimistic as ever, he pulled back and looked me in the eyes with that cute and comforting smile of his, "It's not like I can't come pick you up whenever, I'm still going to get you after school, I just won't be sleeping next to you."

"Yeah." I didn't want to leave him though, especially not when Brandon was right across the hall. Maybe I was getting a bit paranoid.

"We'll be okay, Jules." He frowned when he noticed my hesitation, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I was being stupid, Paul wouldn't do anything like that and I needed to stop being so needy and emotional.

"I hate when you keep things from me, what's wrong?"

And already feeling bad for keeping secrets,
I sighed, "It's just... I don't want to leave, especially with Brandon here."

He looked shocked as he sat up and suddenly it went from him being lovey dovey to feeling like I didn't trust him and really, I didn't blame him for the appalled look he was giving me, "Where's this coming from?"

"You had sex with him."

He nodded yet that look didn't fade, "Yeah, months ago."

"I don't- I don't know."

He still looked offended and again I was realizing how stupid I was, Paul wouldn't cheat on me. Paul was a great guy and a relationship was built on trust and he proved that when he shook his head, "You have to trust me, Jules."

"I do, I just... I don't know." I never knew anything.

"I'm not gonna do anything with him."

"I know."

He looked at me as if I were crazy at that moment, his hand going slack in mine as he pulled away gently, "What's the problem, then?"

"Never mind." I was reaching for him again, wishing we could just forget I'd brought this up but he shrank back. He was stern with his eyes and actions and I retracted my hand, trying to show him how much I wanted to just forget about it yet he didn't listen.

"No, tell me." He was offended that much I could tell and he didn't try and hide it. I could see it everywhere, in the way he arched his brows and the way his mouth hung open with confusion, there was a little hint of rigid in his body.

"I just don't like the idea of him being right across the hall." My mind went to the fact that they had sex, the fact that they had sex, Brandon had seen more of my boyfriend than I had and they lived together. Brandon knew his kinks and he called him nicknames and they had inside jokes and that made me so insecure I could've died. Brandon was better and he was there with Paul when I wasn't what about when I couldn't be?

"I like you," Paul spoke gently, ripping me away from my thoughts but my head was still thrumming with the thoughts of what if I upset Paul and Brandon was there? What if they slept together?

"I like you, too."

"I'm not into Brandon, I've told you that before."

"Okay." I didn't believe it fully but I knew that was just me being stupid.

"Look at me," I lifted my gaze from the bed, unaware of when I broke eye contact with him and he shook his head, "you're great, Jules. Stop being so insecure."

I could hear the exasperation in his voice and I sighed, becoming frustrated with myself, "I'm sorry."

And he smiled, that soft, charismatic smile of his, "It's okay, just trust me? I meant it when I said I'm a one man kind of guy, I'd never cheat on you..."

He bit his lip, finally dropping his gaze from mine and pulling me in for a hug, I could feel his heart beating in his chest and despite the small fight we'd had, I felt warm inside. I felt as if I could get through anything with Paul. "I know how that feels and believe me, I'd never put you through it."

"Yeah."

He sounded a bit apprehensive when he spoke again, "Believe me?" And I nodded, I did, Paul wouldn't do that to me.

"Alright," he said, pulling away with a grimace and kissing my forehead gently, "I'll help you pack what you think you need tomorrow after school. When you're ready, I'll take you home."

"Are you mad at me?" I couldn't help but ask when he was looking down at me, eyebrows pulled together and he sighed.

"No, you're just so damn frustrating, Jules." I knew I was.

"I'm sorry."

But he just shook his head, running a hand through my hair and smiling even though it didn't reach his eyes, "Stop apologizing and kiss me. I don't wanna argue on your birthday."

: : :

"What's wrong?" I'd asked when Paul had came back from his car. Apparently he went to go grab an overnight bag from his car considering the fact that I'd asked him to stay the night. It was gonna be weird sleeping without Paul and I was not looking forward to it so I tried to keep him over as long as possible. I didn't want to be alone with my dad considering Jade was never home.

"Your dad hates me." He was frowning again but it wasn't as bad as the night before. Maybe he was gonna miss me as much as I missed him or maybe he just didn't like me anymore. I tried to not think of how true the second one could be.

"What?" No one could hate Paul, Paul was Paul.

But he shook his head, placing his bag on the ground along with a box, about the size of a shoe box. There was a bow on top of it. He smiled when he caught my eyes again and I couldn't help but move towards him, hugging him, "He doesn't want me here, I can tell."

"Paul..."

"It's okay. He's protective and I get it." He chuckled when he pulled me away and I was 100% sure that maybe he didn't want to date me anymore. That was until he'd gestured towards the box again, eyes watching me as I picked it up, "I-I uh... I made something for you..."

My hands were shaking as I pulled the lid off the box, white tool pooling everywhere and I sifted through it. Underneath the tissue paper lay a canvas, my face etched out in pen and peach paints. There was a slight tinge in my cheeks as I looked down at my hands and it reminded me of the various photos he'd taken the day I'd asked him to be my boyfriend. There was so much detail on my freckles, looking closer I'd noticed it was all small paint dots and I ran my fingers over it, the texture bumpy. He'd turned me into art, "Paul, this is incredible."

He shrugged, biting his lip and I could see a pink tint creeping up his neck at the compliment. Still, he declined, "It's not my best but I'm glad you like it."

"Like it? I love it."

And his sheepish smile went wide, my mind trying to process how I deserved someone as great as he was and I felt myself tearing up. There was a way about him, he wasn't cocky but he was sure of himself and he wasn't lenient but he was patient and he wasn't perfect but he was Paul and that was pretty much as close as anyone could get. "I wanted to get it done for your birthday but I wasn't really happy with the piece and I didn't want to give you something that I hated."

He deserved to know. "I have to tell you something..."

"What is it, baby?" His voice was soft, reaching for my hand once I'd stepped back and sat on the edge of my bed. My eyes were lingering towards the small red stain on the carpet that had never really left despite being scrubbed and I thought about how far we'd came. From that day where he bled on my floor due to my mother's rage to now, "Am I moving too fast?"

"No." Never.

But he continued, taking my hand in his and he turned to face me, "I mean, I know this is your first serious relationship, I'm sorry if I'm pushing too hard. I just don't want to scare you off and I know we have to move slow with some stuff."

"You're not doing anything wrong. It's my fault."

Automatically, dismissing that, Paul shook his head, pulling my hand up and placing another kiss on my knuckles and I slowly retracted, "No, it's not-"

"I'm not gay." He fell silent.

And then, "What?"

His hand was slack in mine and his eyebrows were furrowed as he looked into my eyes, looking for some indication as to what I was talking about and I couldn't stop making up excuses, "I mean, I thought I was gay, Paul. I really did but I'm not."

"Are you," I didn't expect the way he looked down, instantly recoiling, and the way despite how strong his voice was, it cracked during his question, "are you breaking up with me?" He sniffled a bit, wiping at his beautiful brown eyes, and I stopped breathing.

"No," how could I let go of someone so amazing? Of course I wasn't breaking up with him, I'd never break up with him. Inside, I was trying to revise my sentence in my head and come to a conclusion as to why he assumed this was the beginning of the end of our relationship, "no, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just- I think I might be bi."

Translation: I know I might be bi and I'm also really scared and so greedy but why would I tell you that?

"You think you're into girls too?"

I felt the need to apologize for the way his eyes had failed to meet mine, "I'm sorry."

"No." Taking my hand back in his, he attempted to give me a comforting squeeze but it seemed half-hearted, like he wasn't sure himself,  "Uh, it's okay."

"I didn't want to keep it from you. I really like you, Paul."

"I really like you too." But the frown on his face didn't fade nor did the uncertainty in his eyes and I kept trying to persuade him with my eyes. I was trying to tell him that no one could make me feel the way he could but I was also struggling with how to string those words together and make them not sound like they popped out of a Ryan Gosling movie. Gosling... That gorgeous man.

"Why're you looking at me like that?"

And Paul chuckled although it didn't reach his eyes, "You just scared the shit out of me with how you started this conversation. I thought you were saying you just weren't into guys and I kinda almost puked."

"Paul, no. I'm not breaking up with you." I'd never break up with you, if anything, you'd be the one dumping me.

He breathed out a shaky sigh, finally looking back at me and I could see the worry embedded in his brown irises. He was afraid and he was guarded and I didn't like that, "The bisexual thing scares me a little bit..."

"I'm sorry." I didn't know what to say besides I'm sorry, I'm sorry I like girls, I'm sorry I made you scared, I'm sorry I kept it from you.

"Don't be. I-I just, I need to get over it."

I found myself reassuring him of what he's said to me the night before. "I'm not gonna cheat on you." I didn't intend to.

He sighed, although I knew that was exactly what he was thinking, he never hid his emotions very well, "Jules-"

"Me being attracted to girls does not change the way I feel about you."

And it was silent again until he sighed, "Are you sure?"

"I promise." Laying my head in his lap, I let my limbs hang off the bed and he raked his hand through Tim hair. "I don't think I could ever let you go especially when you're so good at this." He chuckled.

"Okay," he nodded, trying to be okay with it, "okay, so have you... Have you looked into it? Have you experimented at all or? I don't want to label you unless you're positive." That was the thing about Paul, he never dismissed my feelings and he tried to understand as best as he could.

"The kiss with Rilee. That- um- I didn't hate it."

Without skipping a beat, he spoke again, "Are you attracted to her?"

I didn't answer because I knew the answer would hurt him and I didn't want him hurt.

"I need you to be completely honest with me, Julian. Are you attracted to her?"

"Physically? A little bit."

"A little bit?" He repeated, pausing his combing to look down at me and I turned my head so I was looking up at his beautiful face, eyes fluttering open and seeing heaven holding me in his arms. I relaxed.

"A little bit as in I could see myself having sex with her but definitely not other things." I couldn't see myself holding hands with Rilee or kissing her or being with her like I was with Paul. She was hot, that was it.

"Please don't say it like that."

I really needed to work on how I phrased things. "I'm sorry, no, I-I-" fuck. "I just mean-"

At my stammering, he smiled. "She's hot." What? And he didn't look concerned, that was one of the things I loved about him. He knew what I was trying to say even when I didn't know how to say it and he was always understanding. He accepted me, even if I didn't know who me was. "I get it."

"You're not mad?"

He shook his head then, hands curling around mine and he was staring down at them. "You're my boyfriend." Looking up at me, that seemed to be enough. At that, I leant forward placing a kiss on his pouty lips and I could feel him smile then, it stretching so sweetly.

"Okay." He'd nodded when he pulled away, teeth biting down on his bottom lip and I wanted to kiss him again. I wasn't sure if he was okay with my answer but I tried not to dwell on it when he stroked through my hair again. His head was tilted, beautiful brown eyes staring into mine and he pulled my hand up, interlocked with his. He kissed the skin there, eyes still on mine and he was so charming.

He was so breathtaking. "Can we go to sleep now?"

I was breathless. "Yeah."

"Actually... Can you-" he breathed and for a second, my heart dropped, thinking he would ask me to leave him alone for a bit -which I respected- but then he smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. "Can you hold me?"

Somewhere deep into slumber, I felt him move.

He faltered and, seconds later, pressed a kiss to my wrist. "I like you a lot, Jules."

It was silent.

"Please don't hurt me."

A/N:

I might rewrite this tbh.
I'm rewatching Life with Derek and I just appreciate the fact that it's fairly realistic yet still comical. But has anyone else noticed that the ENTIRE degrassi cast pretty much started there?

Comment here for new cover:

Comment here for the old one:

Updated: Sunday, April 17.