[gif; Desire by Years and Years ft. Tove Lo]

THERE IS MATURE CONTENT IN THIS CHAPTER. IT'S NOT THAT SIGNIFICANT TO THE PLOT SO IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE READING THINGS LIKE THIS, I'LL GIVE YOU A WARNING BEFORE IT STARTS AND WHEN IT ENDS. OKAY THIS CHAPTER IS LONG AS FUCK BUT THAT'S DUE TO THE MATURE CONTENT AND IF YOU TAKE IT OUT, THE CHAPTER IS THE SAME LENGTH AS NORMAL. (I might split it later into two separate chapters but...)

antyways...

FORTY: when it's simply skin on skin.

Adjusting after being put on pills was... In one word: weird. It'd been around a week and a half before I was seeing a difference myself and after that, I'd focused on making this relationship equal. I was performing better in soccer games and Paul and I were doing way better than ever.

It was a month after I'd started taking my depression seriously when Paul and I were laying in his bed, I'd been over for the weekend. Things were still a bit rocky at home, dad adjusting to not wearing his wedding ring anymore and there wasn't much progress on the divorce since my mo- Loraine wouldn't sign the papers. She was staying with grandma and only called to speak with Jade but apparently divorce was a sin.

To say being ignored by her hurt... was a bit of an understatement but my pills had stopped me from spiraling back down into that hole completely since Paul and my dad had paid extra close attention to me in the mornings, monitoring me. Still, I found the thoughts in the back of my head but they were less loud and my panic attacks were less frequent as well.

On top of all my problems, it was almost May... One month until June where school would end and I'd recently sent out my college forms. My life was getting easier to juggle but things were still hectic and I was still worried. Throughout recovery, I'd focused more on my grades and brought my math grade back up to a B... That was amazing for me.

Sure, it wasn't an A but it was better than barely passing and UC Santa Barbra actually seemed attainable. I mean, I sent letters elsewhere, Michigan State being my second choice, I was just waiting on any acceptance so I could plan ahead. Andy had been in touch with colleges as well and according to his smile, although he didn't tell me about anything, he was probably scouted.

To get my mind off of the insecurity I felt about my game, I shut my eyes. I'd been staring at a blank wall all day, my eyes barely recognizing that I was doing so and my mind was racing. I'd been thinking a lot since the diagnosis, my brain becoming my best friend and aside from a slump in between finding a new therapist and a fraction of pills left over, I was doing better.

The first therapist they'd assigned me with looked too much like Calum, he brought back too many be memories and although the man was nice, he was also a bit over-opinionated and asked way too many questions. A lot of our conversations were about my sexuality and they all led to his conclusion that maybe Paul wasn't good for me. After meetings with him, I'd always ended up doubting my relationship and that was when my Dad decided to switch.

We needed to find a new one soon because my pills were running out and they wouldn't refill unless I got help.

Anxious about everything, I tried the breathing techniques that we'd gone over recently, focusing my eyes on my light switch. This day wasn't as bad as the other ones, I knew that, my lips were sucked into my mouth to prevent them from trembling and I thought of the body that laid beside me that night. I'd thought about my weight a lot, acknowledged how my hips were slowly widening and my abs no longer prominent.

Paul had left to go grab some fan mail from their P.O. Box since they were doing an opening that week and apparently I could be in the video. He'd been gone only around a half an hour and I missed him already, the pills made me more clingy if possible and I was still overcome with paranoia that he wouldn't come back every time he wasn't right there next to me.

Funny how he didn't want me to become too reliant on him yet this happened.

"Hi." My voice was soft when I picked up my phone, it had started buzzing beforehand, Paul's blinding smile popping up. It was a picture from the time we'd painted together, he'd got some peach paint on his nose and had been wining for me to stop laughing at him and tell him what happened. I'd ended up giggling and taking a picture of him when he wasn't looking, resulting in him brushing some indigo paint on my chin.

He wasn't looking at the camera, eyes looking down and he seemed lost in thought. I loved those moments with Paul, when he zoned out to the world and got lost in himself.

His voice was energetic, I could basically hear the smile in it. Ever since I'd been diagnosed, he made sure to show excitement for every little thing I did and although it was weird, it was sort of endearing. Greeting me, he'd slipped in a nickname and a question of what I'd been doing.

"I'm taking you out." Trying to sound happier than I was, I pushed my voice out of the monotone it'd been in. He was calling to check up on me, I had to show him I was doing okay. And I also missed dates, we'd put them off for a little bit throughout my recovery, he wanted me to focus on myself and my schoolwork. I hadn't seen him as much either, only on weekends since I recently got a job and the anti-depressants had a drowsy side-effect, now that I was in between therapists, we took this week or two to spend time together.

He sounded unsure and I could hear the radio in the background being turned down then he did that cute little half-laugh and the corners of my mouth tried to twitch up into a smile. I hadn't been smiling that much recently unless it was with Paul. "Oh really?"

"Yes, but there are rules."

Sighing, he kept his voice light but I could tell he was getting upset. We'd been dating for almost three months and I was still a bit nervous to let him hold my hand in public, ripping back randomly, I knew it irritated him. "I know them already-"

"I'm paying." Cutting him off, I went with rules that didn't have to do with that, I wanted to get better. I wanted to be a good boyfriend and good boyfriends weren't ashamed of their partners. I most definitely wasn't ashamed of Paul, I loved him so much and he deserved to be shown off even if it was by someone like me.

"What?"

Sucking in a deep breath, I attempted to imply what I wanted. I wanted him to not worry about me being upset and I wanted him to enjoy this date and I really, really wanted him to know that I loved him but I didn't want to tell him because it'd only been a few months. I just wanted Paul to be happy. "My rules are: I pay, you try and have fun, and I want a kiss every hour."

It was silent for a little while, so silent that I had to take he phone away from my ear to see if he were still there and then he did that adorable singular chuckle that tied my stomach in knots. "I think I can do that."

Smiling at his agreement, I pushed the miniature panic aside, trying my best not to stumble over my words. "Good, we're going out to eat..." Maybe we shouldn't, maybe we should go to the fucking gym because I'm getting fat.

"And then movies at my place?"

"Sure." Biting at my bottom lip, I waited and listened as a gentle beat soothed through the car he was in. There were often these cute little pauses in between our conversations, we didn't even have to speak sometimes and that was the best part, I believe. I was so comfortable with the love of my life that just listening to his breathing made me serene.

"I'll be back home in around ten minutes, go shower now."

"Okay." Pushing myself into a sitting position, I tried to wake up a bit more, my bones exhausted. Slipping my legs off the side of his bed, I smiled slightly ready to hang up, "love you." Standing, I stretched my arms, rubbing at the back of my neck, I realized that Paul didn't reply.

And then my heart dropped. We didn't say that yet, we didn't tell each other that we loved each other yet. My eyes went wide as he coughed, a small awkward laugh and then a, "What?"

"Uh, sorry-" you're so stupid, Jules, why are you so stupid? "Autocorrect."

I could basically hear him rolling his eyes at that and my mind was racing, maybe I could joke it off? Maybe I could say I didn't mean it and take it back but I felt like that would hurt him and I definitely didn't want to hurt him but him knowing that I loved him was too tricky, too painful if he didn't feel the same. And he most definitely did not feel the same. "We're literally talking right now..."

"I'll be ready in 30 minutes."

With a sigh, he tried to speak. "Julian-"

And I hung up.

: : :

We were in his car again, I decided to drive to distract myself from my confession -also he didn't really know where to go- and his tattooed hand was playing with the hairs at the nape of my neck. Paul was lounging in the passenger seat, my white short-sleeve button up a little big on him and exposing his defined arms. He was wearing a pair of ripped shorts that made his ass look amazing and my adidas superstars on his feet. Often, we'd end up wearing each other's clothes, never really caring nor minding and I didn't complain because... Well, Paul looked hotter in my clothes than I did, so why would I?

The pants I was wearing didn't exactly feel the same as they did the last time I wore them but I tried to ignore how much weight I was gaining.

Shivering at his touch, I slipped a little away from him, placing my hand back on the steering wheel when he tried to hold it. Attempting to ignore the hurt on his face, I settled for adjusting the mirror when we'd pulled up to a stoplight.

"Stop being so awkward."

"I don't- I don't know what you're talking about, Paul." Fiddling with the radio, I forced a smile through my nerves and tried to avert his attention to something else. "I'm just really excited about our date."

Rolling his eyes, he let out a laugh, "stop acting like it didn't happen. I heard it, Jules."

"Heard what?" My breath was caught in my lungs, my ears catching the car behind us honking obnoxiously and sheepishly, I pulled away from the now green light. It was silent as we made our way to the restaurant and I tried my best to pretend like the conversations didn't happen as I searched for a parking spot, his beat-up truck barely fitting into one.

Reaching to pull the keys out of the ignition, I stopped when Paul grabbed my hand. Slowly slipping out of his hold, I retracted, resting my hands in my lap and staring at the steering wheel, embarrassment crawled up my spine.

"I heard you say you love me." Shutting my eyes, I waited for rejection. "It's okay."

It wasn't okay, it was weird. We'd only been dating for a few months, it was definitely weird. "I'm sorry." Play it cool, play it cool. "It's just a reflex to end a call with that and I wasn't thinking."

"I get it," and I let him take my hand in his and place a small kiss on my knuckle. He was turned completely towards me, seatbelt discarded and I felt his free hand gently brushing some hair out of my eyes.

"You didn't respond."

"I didn't wanna make it weird for you, I don't really believe it when people tell me they love me, you know?" No, I don't know, you're perfect. Shrugging at that, I tilted my head a little to catch his gaze but he wasn't looking at me. He was staring down at our hands and playing with them as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. "Plus, you obviously don't love me yet."

I do though. "Oh."

Laughing, he seemed back to himself, the person seconds before was gone and Paul was looking into my eyes. There was a look on his face of amusement and I forced myself to smile at him despite how I felt inside. "One time, I told the pizza guy I loved him."

But I do love you. "Oh, what'd he say?"

"He confessed his undying love for me and proposed that we ride off into the sunset on a majestic little horse." Smiling wide, he rolled his eyes and the lighting made them look even more brown. His eyes were slightly-tawny in certain lighting, warmth always held in them. There was a color of an aged map taking over and I swear, I saw my future. "And then he was like 'I hope you know that I still have to charge you for the pizza despite the fact that we've fallen in love.'"

"Oh my god." My voice was soft as I took in his gaze, brighter than stardust. God, help me, I loved him too much.

"Yeah, Lanny got the footage in one of his vlogs. It went viral, they called him their pizza guy goals, it was weird, he had an Ellen interview and everything. We haven't even been on Ellen." And despite the teasing tone, he didn't seem bitter, fan of dark lashes falling over his eyes and snapping me out of my haze. "I'm happy for him."

I couldn't comment on that, words coming out quicker than my brain could comprehend and a small smile found its way to my lips as his plush lips parted mid-sentence. "You're so cute."

His eyes were a little wider then and I swear, I saw a small blush on his cheeks. "You are too."

Clearing his throat, he reached over and took the keys out of the ignition before opening his door and slipping out. Leaning back over, through his open door, he smiled. "Come on, let's go, I heard you were spending money on me."

Almost forgetting to unbuckle my seatbelt, I stepped out as well, distracted by him and nearly falling. Locking the doors, I joined Paul on the other side of the car and we crossed the parking lot. I'd noticed his hands were tucked into his pockets and I also kept catching glances of him staring down at my hand that dangled by my side.

Breathing in, I looked around reflexively before catching myself. Those other people didn't matter, it was just me and Paul and I really needed to stop worrying about what people thought of me, "Hold my hand?" My heart beat a little faster when his brown eyes snapped up to meet mine and I almost saw pity, I absolutely hated pity.

"Ive already told you that your mental health is more important than my feelings." He sighed, "If you're just trying to do this because you're afraid I'll be upset, I'm not. You weren't ready before and you pushed yourself too much-"

No, no, no, how he felt was important and he deserved the tiny luxuries of a relationship. I wasn't being a good boyfriend, this was one of those times, one of those things that I knew bugged him but he was too self-less to mention it. "I'm putting you first today." He always put everyone before himself, Paul deserved better than that.

"Julian, you don't have to do this." Shaking his head when I held my hand out, he sunk further into himself. My hand shot out to grip his before he could cross his arms and it was a tug-of-war in the parking lot when he tried to rip free, "You don't want to hold my hand and it's fine."

He really thought I didn't want to. I'd hid us for so long that he was sure I didn't want to ever touch him in public, I'd ruined his self-esteem. "I want to hold your hand and I really wanna get over it already, Paul. I feel better and I've been taking my pills. I just want to show you off." But he wasn't listening, his eyes were shut and his lips were turned into a small adorable frown when I'd shifted him to look at me. Gripping his chin in my hand, I brushed a thumb over his bottom lip, eyes fluttering open to meet my wide ones. "I'm not ashamed of you or of us and I know you think I am."

It took a few seconds and a lot of hesitance before Paul had relaxed his hand in mine but he did and the flipping of the organ in my ribcage turned into somersaults. "Okay."

"Tell me another story."

And he proceeded to tell me the story of his first vidcon, my eyes centered on a personified heaven the entire time.

When we'd been placed at a booth right next to the front, a little u-shaped thing where we both say right beside each other in the middle, I went for my second move of a public relationship. grabbing at his hand and leaning to place a small kiss on his lips. That was something I'd been waiting to do for a while now, softly stroking his cheek with my other hand, I frowned when he flinched back a little.

Going in for another kiss to test the waters, my heart sank when he immediately pulled back, "Are you sure this is okay? I mean, I can-"

"You can kiss me back because I'm spending too much on this date to not enjoy it." There was this hesitancy as he stared back that me, not allowing me to place both our hands on the table in fear that I would have another mental breakdown and this just wasn't fair to him.

"Don't get me wrong, I love how romantic you're being but why now?"

"I just..." Turning a little, I propped my elbow up on the table and looked him in the eyes. Placing my chin in my hand, I admired the rebellious little curl that found its way onto his forehead, "I finally don't feel like shit and I wanna show people that you're mine and I wanna believe that I deserve you and I can't do that when I'm hurting you. I really want this to work, Paul."

"You're amazing." There was a smile on his lips and in his voice and in his eyes and he blushed a little, leaning forward, he stole a kiss. I could still feel his lips on mine when he'd pulled back, my eyes still shut and a lazy smile finding its place.

"Just trying to be a good boyfriend."

"And you're succeeding." Fluttering my eyes open at all the movement, I was in time for him to place a kiss in my forehead and his phone on the table before he slipped out of the booth. "I'll be right back."

"Okay."

And picking up his phone, I scrolled through his pictures, trying to find new ones of his face and sending them to my own phone as well as taking goofy pics on his snapchat but then deleting them at the revelation that we weren't out to his followers. Trying not to get myself down at that, I looked through the folder i'd made in his pictures that was just of me and him. Whenever I felt down, I'd unlock Paul's phone and stare at those for reassurance in our relationship.

Being interrupted by a clearing throat, I looked up through my lashes. Before me stood a tall boy, just around Paul's height and he was fiddling with a notepad.

"Hello, m-my name is Luca, wh-what would you like to drink?" There was something weird about his accent, a little bit of broken English and I was sure he wasn't from America. Sending a soft smile, I placed Paul's phone back on the table.

Trying to place who he reminded me of, I stared at him a little longer, my mind coming to the realization that his shyness was similar to Johnny Casey -Andy's unofficial boyfriend. It'd started around two weeks prior, I'd stayed late during practice one day and walked into the locker room on my way to coach's office to find Johnny up against a locker with Andy's tongue down his throat.

A little turned on and a little grossed out considering the fact that Andy repeatedly blew it off with a comment about the age difference, I'd quickly left the entire school and abandoned my gym bag. We hadn't talked about it yet, I was quite certain that he didn't know I knew.

Turning my attention back to Luca, I offered a kind smile, the stutter alerting me that he wasn't so comfortable right then.

"Well, um... I don't know what he wants exactly. Sorry."

Luca let out an awkward laugh, scratching at the inside of his write before putting his pen and pad back into the little pouch on his uniform, "it is okay, I will- I will just come back to take your drink order."

Was he maybe Spanish? Italian?

"Thank you."

Stumped by his accent, I looked back down at Paul's phone that hadn't stopped buzzing since I'd placed it down. Being sure not to assume the worst, I looked at the messages on his screen and was pleased to see they were jut about his paintings. He was selling them I could tell from the little I'd read and I was both ecstatic that he'd finally took me up on my encouragement for him to get himself out there and... I was also nervous.

Why didn't he tell me?

A few minutes of pondering later, Paul had approached and I'd placed his phone back down. "Hey. I didn't wanna order for you because I didn't wanna mess up, I guess. I mean I know you prefer water but the coffees look nice and-"

"You're cute when you babble but shush." Placing his hand on my mouth playfully, he slid back in the booth before wrapping his arm around my shoulders, "Where's the waiter?"

"Um, he's somewhere." There were eyes on us, I knew it, I could feel them but Paul's feelings were what was important. A few minutes later, our waiter was back, his clothes a little bit disheveled and a small hickey on his neck exposed by his unbuttoned top buttons.

"H-have you decided?" His voice was a little urgent as he fixed himself up to the best of his ability and Paul chuckled a little beside me.

"I'll have water, please."

"Coke."

Once our waiter was settled professionally, he sent us a sheepish smile, "Okay and I see you do not have menus open, are you ready to order?"

"I'll have a caesar chicken salad no tomatoes, ranch on the side." Paul ordered and just hearing how healthy that sounded made me feel like a fatass.

"Okay." Turning towards me, Luca gave me a shy smile, preparing to jot down what I wanted. "And you?"

"Cheeseburger plain with bacon and a side of fries."

"I will be right at it."

When he was gone, Paul had spoken up, "He's French." Twining his arm further around me, he took a bite of a breadstick on the table. Offering me some, he watched as I took a bite before pulling away and eating the rest.

"French? How do you know?"

Shrugging, he sent me a soft smile and I could see the waiter coming with our orders, "LightofDay went on this big trip to Europe a few years back and I roomed with a French guy, sounds exactly like him."

Don't get jealous of a guy he probably only met once. "Wow."

"Yeah," brushing hair away from my face, he left forward to place a kiss on my forehead, "maybe we could go on a trip one day." Here he was again, talking as if our relationship was gonna last a long time and making plans for our future, it didn't sound bad but I was sure there was someone he'd rather do this with. There was some artsy guy out there for him and maybe I wasn't put in this place to be his one, maybe I was here to prepare him for that guy.

Of course, I wanted to be that guy. I wanted to be that guy so fucking bad, "I'd like that."

"Here you are, sir."

Our food was placed in front of us as Luca smiled, tucking the tray underneath his arm and I went to pray over my food just like my mother had drilled into my head. Once I was finished, I'd reached for my plate nervously, trying not to look fat, only to have Paul push it away with a shake of his head. "He can't eat that."

I know I'm gaining weight, Paul but I'm trying really hard to balance my food intake with soccer. I'm sorry, I'm not that attractive right now but you told me to take care of my mental health and I haven't had time to work out.

"Why not?"

Pushing it even further as if the plate were contaminated, Paul sent an uncomfortable smile, "He's allergic to onions."

"Lord," my eyes widened as I immediately went to inspect the food, seeing -as he said- an onion poking out, and my stomach churned. I almost ate that, I almost ate that and had an allergic reaction and there was a possibility that I'd have a panic attack during it and I could've died. Luca rushed out an apology, tripping over himself as he went to pick up my plate. "I am so, so sorry."

"I am so sorry," he looked like he wanted to cry and that made me feel bad, his voice rushed and small and he'd accidentally spilled some of Paul's water at one point and over-apologized for that. Then he was actually sopping it up himself with a napkin as my boyfriend tried to calm him down. Paul shivered, the ice water sliding off the table and into his lap. "Sorry, oh my god!"

Attempting to make the situation less stressful for our estranged waiter, Paul stood, brushing the ice off of his wet front before smiling politely and excusing himself to the bathroom to go stand underneath the hand dryer.

Luca tried to apologize again, Paul calming him with reassuring eyes showing that he wasn't mad and I found myself taking in how good of a person he was. Calum would've flipped out, would've cursed out the waiter and would've left me with the bill and no ride home, I don't know what I ever saw in him.

When Paul was gone, Luca had continued cleaning, eventually getting the water up and placing both the burger and the almost-empty glass back on his tray, "I um, it is my first day." He was still apologizing, still trying to explain when a girl with waist long hair, half tied up in a bun, had stopped beside him.

"Luca, calm down, yeah?" Her voice was soft as she stopped down to help him finish up before sending me a friendly smile, "So very sorry about that, he'll get you a new one."

When she'd taken the tray from him and gestured to the back, he smiled sheepishly at her and I could see the love in his eyes, "Th-thanks, Sidney."

"No problem, funny story: I accidentally gave four tables their wrong order in one night. Luckily no one was allergic to anything. I explained and the tips were insane." A table on the other side of the restaurant got her attention as she laughed and I could see Paul coming it of the restroom, his clothes still a little damp. "Excuse me," backing up, she turned her gaze to the boy beside her, handing him back the tray, my boyfriend taking his seat beside me, "baby, get them their order."

It took him around two minutes to snap out of it once she was gone and Paul chuckled, calling out to him, "Luca?"

"Y-yeah, sorry, I will get that." And picking up the tray, he went to turn around when I'd stopped him.

"That's your girlfriend?"

"I can not believe it either." There was a dreamy look in his eyes as he watched the brown-skinned girl smile friendly at the people she was serving, her hazel eyes attentive and crinkled at the sides. When I coughed, he looked back at me, face red as the devil and stepped back almost tripping over himself. "I will go get your order now."

"You remembered my allergies?"

"Duh," he smiled, leaning into me and wrapping his arm back around my shoulder. His shirt was still a bit damp but I didn't care as we sat there, him refusing to eat until I had my food. Playing with his fork, Paul looked down at the phone in his free hand and I could see everything he was doing, that's the level of trust we had. "Can't have you in the hospital on a date now can we?"

Going through his twitter, I watched as thousands and thousands of notifications popped up and tried to be less insecure. Opening up a new tweet, he typed out about dinner with someone special and then tweeted it, his phone thrumming with notifications before he'd placed it down.

And I smiled.

"It's cute how much you care." Slipping his phone out of his hand, I scrolled through the notifications, multiple simply inquiring but there were a few people in the middle that were just hating on him for no reason. People called him derogatory names, stared insulting his art, said he was only famous because of the guys, called him unattractive... I didn't know how he dealt with it all when I was mad but I knew he would brush it off if I brought it up. I mean, I knew they got hate but going through all of their social media, all connected by similar descriptions, "one fourth of LightofDay," I noticed the amount of hate he got was worse than the others.

Deciding to ignore it since he didn't seem phased, I changed the subject, keeping a note to talk to him about it later. Sitting his phone on the table, I turned my body to face him and changed the subject to something we'd been talking more about recently, "Your birthday's coming up, right?"

"Yeah, why?" He'd shrugged off, meeting my gaze and smiling closed mouth with a peek of ranch at the corner of his mouth. I'd insisted he ate without me after his stomach had growled aggressively.

Biting my lip, I reached over to wipe it off with a smile, he was so cute. "What do you want?"

And he shrugged again, selfless-ness kicking into gear. It was adorable but it was also really annoying at times considering I wanted to spoil him fucking rotten and all he wanted was to make me happy. "I don't really need anything."

"I'm getting you something."

"You don't have to," chewing excessively, Paul wiped at his mouth gently before opening his mouth to speak. His table manners weren't all that amazing but he insisted on having a napkin in his lap and keeping the table clean, not allowing me to place my balled up straw wrapper on it or a balled napkin. He'd once told me that he didn't want to make extra work for the waiters. "Speaking of my birthday, though, I'm going to my parents' house... Do you wanna come?"

"You want me to meet your parents?" under the table, I clenched my fist in nerves. I mean, of course I wanted to meet the people who had raised then most important boy in my life but nerves settled within my stomach, angry and burning like a furnace in the middle of December. What if they didn't like me? What if they'd met his past boyfriends and compared me to them? What if they knew that I wasn't good enough for him?

Looking at me as if he were trying to figure out what kind of drugs I was on, he smiled, "Well, yeah." And then he became sheepish, scratching briefly at the back of his neck like he only seemed to do when he got comfortable with a person. The more and more we spent together, the more and more I could read in between the lines of his open book. Yes, he was confident but there was also this side of him that was a little unsure and God, I was in love with that part too. "I mean, you don't have to if you're not comfortable but I think they'll love you."

"Oh, um." Nodding nonchalantly to seem less awkward, I attempted a smile that didn't make me look 100% terrified of meeting his parents. It was like meeting the royal family, one wrong move and you're executed or in my case, blocked from Paul and maybe that sounded a little bit worse. "Okay... Yeah, yeah, I'd love to."

But all my nerves disappeared at the 100 watt smile on his face and I swear I almost fainted. "It's gonna be great."

"I -um- I have my first meeting with this new shrink tomorrow." I was still getting used to telling him about it, my personal affairs were often kept to myself but I didn't really wanna go through this without him anymore.

"Yeah?"

We were gonna get married one day, we were gonna adopt kids because Paul wanted them and then we were gonna get a dog and die old together. "Do you... wanna come?"

"Can I?"

"I mean, you can." I want you there... "But if you don't want to, then it's fine-"

Cutting me off with a laugh, he'd cut up the bread he had on a spare plate and pushed it into his mouth along with his fork. Another weird thing I'd noticed about him would be his tendency to eat finger food and messy things with a fork, excluding pizza and including fries. "Of course I'll be there."

"One plain bacon cheeseburger, absolutely no onions." Placing it in front of me, Luca wiped his forehead as it it were a real struggle and his anxiety was gone. Maybe it had something to do with his girlfriend, maybe not but was seemed happy that the kid wasn't freaking out so that was a plus. Holding his tray underneath his arm, he refilled my depleting Coke without asking and stepped back raising an eyebrow as if asking if we needed more. When Paul shook his head, a smile spread across the boy's beestung lips. "Enjoy your date."

And Paul instantly went into confusion which was expected. "Oh, um-"

"How'd you know it was a date?" I was done hiding us, trying to still my racing heart before grabbing at his hand that sat on the table. There was a small smile on his face that I could see out the corner of my eye and my heart flipped.

Luca looked as if he were fishing for words, putting a sentence together that didn't seem accurate but it was cute. There was a rosy red blush on his cheeks, slight bite on his lip and his little freckles added a boyish look, "You are smiling all lovely at each other all day." Rocking back on his heels, he sent a glance to his girlfriend before looking back as if he didn't want to be caught, "Anniversary?"

"No," and watching him steal a fry off my plate, I smiled, "every date's special with him, though." I caught site of a blush on his cheeks.

"You guys enjoy your meal."

: : :

"I had fun." His shirt was soft underneath my head, my eyes closed and he was talking in a whisper almost as if talking louder would cut off his air supply. With his arms wrapped around my upper back, almost my neck, I could feel his heartbeats and every flex of his muscles as he breathed.

Mocking his whisper, I smiled when he pinched my back lightly. "Me too."

There was a laugh in his voice as he giggled out a "Thank you." I swear, I wanted to marry him as I sunk into another one of his hugs. His hugs, Lord, they were like a fresh blanket out the dryer: warm, loving, and gone way too soon. You'd never be ready to let go of Paul, there was a little slot in between his arms that you fit into and his hugs made you feel like the most important person in the world.

"For?" I wanted to marry him, I wanted to marry him, I wanted to marry him.

And he shrugged, I could feel his shirt riding up underneath my lower stomach, the warmth of his skin on mine and I buried myself further into his chest, never wanting to leave. "Just, the whole date... Telling people about us, caring about me." It was then that I realized how exhausted his voice was and he'd had hints of it since our talk in his car but it really showed when there was no sound besides us.

"No problem."

We had been at this for nearly an hour, it starting with laying next to each other that night watching old movies and somehow along the way, we'd stopped paying attention, Paul's lips landing on mine and his hands up the back of my shirt. After we'd both calmed down, I'd ended up with one leg thrown over his thigh and my head on his chest. My response to his statement must've not been enough because his hand had paused it's stroking through my hair for him to speak, "Are you okay?"

No, I wasn't okay because I wasn't sure if he was, "What did you mean earlier... You don't think that I'd love you?"

"Um?"

He seemed confused so I elaborated, eyes shut as I prepared for the worst. I didn't really know anything about his past besides the fact that he had a deadbeat boyfriend and an extra brother -that I'd only recently been informed of- but maybe there was something more. "Before our date... You said you don't believe that people love you."

"Julian..." he didn't want to talk about it but there were answers I needed. Why didn't he want to tell me anything? Why didn't we talk about his family? Why did he make it seem like he loved me back if he didn't?

"Did you mean it?" Pulling back from him, I attempted to clear my head, eyes focusing on his confused ones. He didn't love me back and I was being stupid and I was gonna be humiliated all over again just like Calum. But that was the thing, Paul wasn't Calum, Paul was Paul. Paul was amazing and extraordinary and sweet and he wouldn't do that to me.

But what if he didn't feel the same? What if he was only staying with me so I didn't hurt myself or something?

"Did I mean what?"

"You know..." But he couldn't read my mind and I was freaking out and everything was going down again, this wasn't a good day. The doctors told me about low days and maybe this was half of a low day or a low period or whatever the fuck they called it. "When I told you about Calum. You um, you insinuated..."

"That I love you." he finished, mouth gaped and sitting up as if he'd seen a ghost, my breath hitched. He was joking and I was making a fool of myself again.

"Did you mean it?"

"Did you?" He didn't.

Tears were freely streaming down my face and I wanted to get up but my legs definitely didn't have the strength. I just felt weak and vulnerable and embarrassed and I hated it. But I had to answer him so nodding, my watery eyes were way too blurry, voice cracking as I held back a sob, "Yeah, I think."

"Why're you crying?"

"Because I'm scared?" Because I'm depressed and I hate myself, I really wanna curl into a ball and die? "I know you don't feel the same."

He tried to reach for me, my body jerking back, I didn't want him to touch me but then I did but then I didn't and I definitely couldn't or I'd break down. "Angel-"

"Don't lie to me, we said we weren't doing that anymore." Wiping at my face, I tried to calm down, tried not to be upset or angry and focus on the positives like my previous therapist had suggested. He didn't dump me yet, I still had a chance.

But there was a vulnerability in his voice that wasn't there before and my heart finally broke. "I don't wanna get hurt, Jules."

"I'd never..."

Cutting in when I didn't finish, he sighed with his hands in his lap and struggled to meet my eyes. "I mean, I trust you, I really do. A-and I- my feelings for you are really strong but..."

"But you don't love me."

"Yet." His head snapped up to meet my eyes and there was a persuasion in them that compelled me to listen to what he had to say."I don't love you yet. Or at least, I don't know if you know what you're feeling or if it's really love because you loved Calum and you got over him really fast and..."

Playing with the rings on his fingers, Paul spoke softly, voice barely there. "And I don't wanna say it for real until I'm sure because I can't put you through that again. I know that my heart races just thinking about you and I know that I'm falling for you, I just don't know if I'm there yet. And I'm not so sure that you know if you're there yet a-and I don't wanna get hurt if you're not."

"Oh." It had to do with his trust issues as well and I really wanted to be sympathetic, I mean I was sympathetic but I really wanted to know. I also really wanted him to know how much I loved him and seeing him hurt made me hurt so maybe if he knew it, it wouldn't hurt as much. Maybe if he understood that I was all for him, he would bed all for me and we wouldn't be in pain anymore.

"I shouldn't have said it, it was a dick move and I wasn't thinking and-"

My lips were on his, effectively cutting him off, I could hear his sound of surprise. There was a soft sound of surprise in his voice as he lightly placed his hands on my hips, sinking into the kiss. His lips were softer than ever against mine, the final pieces fitting together and I mentally prepared myself to tell him. All thoughts strayed when I felt him kiss back, my  hand trailing up to tangle in his curls and love settled on the tip of my tongue.

There was always this way he kissed me that I would never get sick of, he put so much emotion into it, so much that I felt like another art piece. But maybe I wasn't, maybe I was an entity that he was passionate about or maybe that's just the way he made me feel.

"I don't know what I did to deserve that but can it happen again?"

"I love you." I didn't want to waste another second.

He was speechless, eyes previously glazed over and barely open had widened and he started the rejection  by shaking his head. He was trying to understand it and then, "Jules... I'm really sorry."

"I understand but I can't go on without saying it." The more he looked at me like that, the more hesitant I became but I came too far to stop just because he was afraid. "You don't have to believe me but I love you, Paul and I want to say it to you until you can believe me."

"You meant it?"

"I love you. I really fucking love you." So much it hurts. "And yeah, it sucks that you don't love me back yet but it's okay."

"My feelings for you are really strong-" Cutting himself off, he reached for my hand, me not noticing that I was almost piercing my palm with my nails. I'd often started to do it, it became a habit and I wasn't aware of it until someone pointed it out or I felt the sting of my skin ripping and little dots of blood but I promise, I didn't do it on purpose. "Jules, what're you doing?"

"I don't know I just-"

"Don't do that," he seemed a bit angry and extremely adamant, gripping my hand in his gently and looking at the marks. "I thought your pills were working."

"They are." And I retracted my hand, recoiling away at the tone of his voice. I was fine and I didn't know why everyone gave me that look nowadays, I didn't know why ben had said the same thing at lunch the day before when he'd stopped me from creating marks.

Paul sighed. "Just don't do that, okay? Makes me worry you're gonna hurt yourself."

"I'm not." There was a look on his faced that said otherwise so I attempted to changed the subject. "You still don't believe me?"

"I'm just worried."

"Not that." My voice was sharp and Paul's eyebrows furrowed, "Us."

He met my eyes, trying to get me to understand and I really tried, "I just have a tough time believing that people want me."

But how was I supposed to understand that when I wanted him so bad? I could see that people wanted him, everyone was in love with Paul and he was the only one who didn't get it. "I wanna be with you, all of you and only you." I couldn't see myself with anyone else, not Andy, not Rilee, no one. "I understand that you have some issues with relationships, I get it but I'm not gonna hurt you."

"Nic said that-"

And I tried not to get mad at him for that but all I could see was some faceless guy verbally abusing him and my jaw clenched, "Nic was an asshole, okay?" Nic didn't deserve him, I didn't even deserve him. "I'm not him."

"I know and I'm sorry." I'm not Nic, I'd never hurt you, I'm in love with you but he didn't believe me and maybe he shouldn't have. "I shouldn't compare you to him and I don't want you comparing yourself to him or anyone I've been with. You're way more important and you mean a lot to me."

Maybe if he understood that I was all for him, he would bed all for me and we wouldn't be in pain anymore. "Can I -uh- can I show you?"

"Show me?"

"How much I love you."

His face paled and he blanked and it was almost as bad as when I asked him about a twink only then he was more mortified, now he seemed confused and a little upset. "What?"

"I wanna go further than just kissing, Paul."

"We're not-" I could see him recalling the time in the closet and I winced, realizing exactly how it sounded. "We're not ready for sex. I mean, I don't not wanna do that with you- wait, I mean, I want to. Y-you're really attractive and I wanna be with you. God, I really wanna fuck- um- I wanna be with you in all ways both emotionally and physically and sometimes sexually but only when you're sure and-"

He didn't flip out like expected, in fact, his face was a light pink color and he was scratching at the back of his neck. I could tell he were fishing for words and that was just so cute that I couldn't help but smile. "Are you blushing?"

"I just, I- I don't think that we should go that far."

I didn't know what I was saying but I knew that contact would often let us say the words we didn't know how to say and the bible explained it as love making but maybe it wasn't and I wasn't even sure how to... and I didn't want to really learn that yet. "We don't have to... Just a little touching."

"Uh."

The guys weren't here but they could come back, maybe that possibility made him uncomfortable."I'll be quiet."

"It's not that." Then what is it? He had sex before, touching wasn't really sex and he said no sex, it want a sin. I didn't take into consideration that just because he had sex before doesn't mean he was ready. "I told you I wanted to wait until we're both in love, I meant that."

"I know, I'm not saying we should have sex..." And I didn't really get it, my hand slipping over to his thigh and head tilted in a suggestive kind of way. "Doesn't mean I can't please you in any other way, right?"

"Um..." he flinched back a bit and that was when I realized.

"I'm sorry," I was being way too pushy again. "I-I'm, like, forcing myself onto you... People say that physical connection helps in saying words that you don't know how to say and I don't know how to say it and make you believe it so I thought..." Stupid, stupid Jules. "Sorry, that's stupid. This is just the first time that I've felt up to something sexual in a while and-and I got carried away. We can just watch a movie or something today, okay? I didn't mean to-"

"Relax." he was laughing a bit and maybe the softer approach had felt better because his hesitation dissipated.

"I don't wanna pressure you."

"You're not." and after a bit of thinking, Paul grabbed my hand and something shifted in the air, maybe the sexual tension rose or maybe it was just my hormones but I really wanted to touch him. "I want to..."

: : : [mature content ahead] : : :

"Paul..."

His lips were attached to my neck as he sucked lightly, a hickey no doubt forming. His hands were trailing down my sides as he pressed his hips against mine, nails digging into the flesh of my ass as he gave it a squeeze.

I felt his hard on rubbing against mine through the fabric of our boxers and I couldn't resist pressing myself closer and increasing the friction.

We hadn't done anything remotely sexual in a long time, my stomach was tied in knots and I was burning everywhere his hands touched. Our hips knocked together lazily, my pale skin most-likely littered with shades of purple, skin flushed.

His moans were soft -barely there- and his hands were everywhere as he grazed his teeth across my soft spot, my body jerking upwards and my dick rubbing against his sharply. Paul was a fucking drug, an uncontainable, way too hot drug that made me shaky inside and sent me into euphoria. His voice, soft and soothing, echoed through the room as I felt his hands at the hem of my shirt. "Wanna fuck you so bad."

I couldn't even disagree with that because I didn't care enough at the moment, I just wanted his skin on mine and I needed a connection. I trusted him and although, I wasn't opposed to being intimate with Paul, I knew he didn't want to go that far and he had too much self-control.

And then in a split second, my shirt was on the floor, his eyes taking in every indent in my body, every mole and freckle and imperfection. I felt embarrassed, my cheeks heating up at the thought of him not appreciating what he'd seen, heartbeat speeding up at the possibilities but I kept calm on the exterior.

Still, my mind was thrumming with hypothesis, my lips sewed shut in an attempt to not ruin the moment. Maybe I was too fit, maybe I wasn't fit enough... Maybe the redness from his touches was off putting and I was just too pale, my insecurities were attacking me, I'd never felt so exposed and I wasn't even naked.

"Hey," he'd smiled, eyes meeting mine and he'd rubbed his hands on my sides, "it's just me."

But when Paul licked his lips, sitting down so his legs were on either side of my hips and I was groaning from the way he was putting pressure on my lower half, I couldn't think as much. Maybe that was a good thing.

He was kissing me then, shifting so he was in my lap, lips on mine and hands running across my chest and up my neck.

I felt his mouth kissing down my neck leaving fire in its wake before he made little kisses across my collarbones and then down my body, lightly pecking my stomach. It was times like these when I'd wished I didn't stop working out my abs. My stomach was getting less firm and I wished I was more generically masculine, wished I wasn't losing definition and I wasn't so disproportionate in muscle mass.

Tightening my stomach a bit, I hoped he didn't notice the fact that I'd been eating a bit more and working out a bit less since depression had taken over my life and I mean, I was trying to get my abs back to the way they were before but it wasn't gonna happen overnight and maybe I just wasn't trying hard enough but... part of me knew that Paul wasn't that shallow I just really was wishing I didn't eat that cheeseburger and not worked it off.

Stop freaking out about this, I tried to tell myself but there was still this small amount of shame that clouded me when his nose was pressed against my hipbone and he smiled against my skin. Paul had made sure to care for every part of me, even if it wasn't necessarily attractive.

"Can-can you um kinda not do that?"

"Do you not want to anymore?" His eyes were on mine, stern and full of understanding but that wasn't it. I wanted to but...

"No I do." Trying to explain it without having to explain that I felt less than I did before, I sighed, trying not to sound weak voicing my insecurities.  "I'm just not that comfortable with my body right now."

"Your body is beautiful, Jules."

And I wanted to cry, if felt so intimate and sweet and he cared and took into consideration my personal insecurities. No one treated me the way Paul did and I loved very second of it. "Paul..."

Paying a little more attention to my stomach, he smiled up at me before placing another kiss right below my belly button and then the feeling of his perfectly rounded ass was gone as his body slid further down mine. "I think you're gorgeous, okay?" Not losing eye contact with me, his hands squeezed gently at my thighs and he was laying his head on one of them, drawing small circles on the other.

"Do you know how bad I've wanted to touch you?"

"Paul..."

He was smiling now, my voice cracking halfway through. A shiver ran through my body as he thumbed along the waistband of my joggers, tugging at the string and moving to pull my pants down.

"W-what're you doing? I'm supposed to be making you feel good- fuck, Paul."

Sitting back up, he straddled my thighs before his hands moved up my sides and all the way to my chest. And I felt his hands softly pushing through my hair as I shut my eyes, lips meeting mine. "You're perfect, okay?" Letting a soft grunt out in the back of my throat when I pulled away, my eyes snapped open and my body was more relaxed than before. Goosebumps erupted where he touched and he kept his eyes on mine when he finally bit his lip and got to work on my pants.

"I'm gaining weight."

Tugging at the drawstring on my joggers, he untied them before pulling them down to my ankles and then he placed another burning kiss at the waistband of my boxers. "In your ass, yeah, and I feel blessed."

The way my face flushed at that was to the point where touching my cheeks heated up my entire body. When I noticed he wasn't moving, I looked up at him to catch his eyes silently asking for reassurance.

I nodded, my head clouded in pleasure and my body sweating from the heat he was emitting as well as his words. He thought the weight gain was attractive, he didn't mind that my thighs were a little more there and I think that made me love him more, made me more sure of where we were going with this relationship.

"Tell me when to stop and I will."

And then he was sliding my boxers down, kissing my slight v-line and leaving a love bite on my nonexistent hipbone before he freed my erection from it's captivity, biting his lip.

"Is-is it..?"

Tilting his head, Paul gave me a puzzled look. I'd never really had much self-esteem when it came to my, well, my sex organs? And with him easing into this, I felt a little better but I was most sensitive about my size and I guess that made me a little hesitant to let Paul see me naked and now he was and he could see every part of me and that scared me. I mean, I knew I wasn't small but what exactly was average and what was big and what if Brandon was bigger than me?  Calum was, but Paul wouldn't find that it so I could deal with that but Brandon... He could get sick of me and sit on Brandon's dick and be way more content with him.

I mean, I'd seen Brandon hard once -at my moving out party, thing- and he looked big. He was bigger than me now that I thought about it. What if Nic was too and I'm average or what if I'm just ugly to him or-?

"Your body's beautiful, Jules." And there was a frown on his face. "If you don't want to do this, we-we don't have to."

But he was so sweet, he always was. Even when I could feel him pressing against my leg, he was always making sure I felt safe and comfortable and it was perfect. And I was in love with him.

Blushing, I tried to relax. I didn't need to ruin the mood again and I most definitely didn't need to keep thinking about how he felt about my body. I just really wanted him to be attracted to me. When he took a bit longer to respond, I sat up a little and caught eyes with him. "I want to."

And then I was letting out a small sound in the back of my throat, my thighs slightly quivering as I felt his cold hand grab my shaft and he gave it a pull. He was placing kisses on the insides of my thighs as he continued to jerk me off, nibbling in slight places that caused me to moan, my eyes rolling back in pleasure.

Slowly, he sucked red marks on sensitive spots, my skin darkening as they turned to almost-purple bruises. His hand was stroking agonizingly slow, wrist twisting and I could feel the cold metal of the ring he was wearing. Sucking in a breath, I sifted a hand through his hair, tugging it gently and his eyes snapped to mine. I was forgetting everything around us, not even remembering whether or not we locked the door but I really didn't care.

His voice was deeper than normal, lips glistening as he looked down and admired the hickeys that littered my thighs. Slipping a hand up the back of my thigh, he rubbed small circles on the skin, "Y-you're so pretty." And the look in his eyes when he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth ignited a warmth in my stomach. That innocent sentence sent a shiver up my spine and I just wanted more than the slow stroke he was giving me.

"P-Paul... please."

And I watched him blow his cool breath on the head, my legs jerking at the feeling. It was new but it was amazing, my thighs attempting to close around him as he sped up his speed and then the most unexpected thing happened.

"Oh my God."

He gave it a kiss before popping the head past his plump lips. I felt his tongue glide over the most sensitive part of me before he slid his lips down, my heavy lids opening to see him staring up at me, cheeks hollowed. His curls were wild in between my fingers and his lisp were stretched skillfully around my cock, his eyes slightly sleepy as he bobbed his head. I was attempting to keep my breathing under control, keep him there and keep from cumming way too fucking soon but all of that was nearly impossible as his hands tugged at my skin, baby blue nail polish chipped off from a vlog about breaking gender roles.

That horribly painted hand was tugging at my balls, my head hitting the pillow behind me as I gritted my teeth in pleasure.

Then before I could fully comprehend what was going on, Paul was sliding all of me to the back of his throat, slightly gagging as he pulled away and then pushed himself back to his brink. My fingers laced through his curly black hair as he blew me confidently, alternating between sucking and blowing in that fucking hot way, his hand around the base as he tugged.

His fingers were sliding over my balls, past to a little spot underneath that sent waves of pleasure up my spine. He parted my legs himself, tucking them over his shoulders and his lips were there now.

He was kissing that spot, and then further down and then his lips were on my hole and I swear I almost came right then.

I couldn't breathe and he kissed me so gently, he poked his tongue against it so gently and then he flattened his tongue, licked me all the way up, throated me so quickly I almost got whiplash.

My body was moving out of my control, gasps falling out unsolicited and I couldn't help but buck my hips up into his face, Paul pulling back startled. I'd stuttered out an apology, cheeks flushing and he simply smiled back at me, tapping at my thigh as if he were saying okay. His lips were wet, slicked with saliva and eyes sleepy as he coughed slightly.

Digging my fingers into his scalp, I massaged gently at the part I accidentally pulled and he let out a small gasp. Falling further into my hand as he continued to stroke me, he was trying his best to keep his eyes open.

"I love you so much."

That must've been enough for him because he pulled back with a lazy smile before kissing at my thigh and then he was back sucking softly at the base of my dick. His eyes were on mine, hand tugging and I felt my stomach tighten, his plush lips moving down to kiss my balls and-

"Fuck," there was a moan in the back of my throat that I held back in fear that we'd be too loud. Pulling at his pillow absentmindedly, I pulled my hand from his hair, biting at my wrist. He chuckled, voice gritty as he took me back into his mouth, bobbing his head faster and then slower and then- God, he drove me insane.

"I want you to start touching yourself down here for me." He smiled, "need you to be ready when I tear you in half."

"Please."

He spit then, let it slide down, watched it disappear and it felt so erotic slipping past that little spot he kept nudging.

I could feel his beard still, five o'clock shadow rubbing against my skin and Paul flipped me over, arched my ass up, my face pressed to the pillows in near shame.

I'd never felt so exposed and he was just rubbing a thumb over me, he was pulling me apart, licking into me, eating me alive.

"You're so fucking sexy." It was spit soaked and paired with a groan, he was wrapping big arms around my thighs and holding me to him. "I wish you could see yourself."

He was sliding a finger inside, "so fucking tight... relax for me, Angel." Then two and his tongue and he was spreading me open.

I couldn't focus on the discomfort, it felt so good. I was melting into the bed and he was kissing me all over. Everywhere. "These thighs, diablo." Huh?

"This is all mine?" He laughed euphorically, softly, he was smacking my ass then and I felt myself mewling. I was so close, I could feel it, every time my tip brushed the bed.

He ran his hand up my spine.

"... Baby..."

"Yeah, baby?"

"I love you." I can't breathe.

"Fuck, te quiero mucho, mi vida. Te quiero mucho."

I couldn't fucking breathe. Was he speaking Spanish?

"You're my fucking life, Jules."

He pulled his fingers out, kissed my hole again, and I felt empty. I could feel myself, knew my body was begging for him. He moaned at the sight and then I was on my back again buried deep in his throat.

The more and more he sucked at me, further he went down and I ripped my hand away from my mouth to grab at his hair again, thighs closing around his head.

Throwing mine back, I let out that moan, tugging at his hair a little too hard again and he whimpered. Shit, did I hurt him? But his eyes were staring at mine when I looked back at him in worry. There was a string of saliva trailing from the tip of my cock to his bottom lip. And I felt warmth at the base of my stomach. It was almost as if he didn't mind it, tears falling only slightly and his throat red raw as he coughed a bit more.

"Stop pu-pulling me off." His voice was more wrecked than he looked and fuck, if that didn't turn me on anymore, his next sentence did. "Wanna make you feel good."

Groaning when his lips were back on my shaft, I arched my back slightly, trying to get even closer and chase what I could feel coming.

He was back to that earlier tempo, shifting back and forth between fast and slow and then he went faster and faster and finally, I could feel the warmth flicker into a fire in my stomach, Paul moving back a little and he stroked me mouth open and tongue out. I didn't know how loud I was being then and I really didn't care, voice mumbled and words jumbled. "P-Paul." And then "I'm -oh, fuck..." A string of pleads exiting my mouth faster than I could comprehend.

And with the squeeze of my balls and the graze of his teeth, I released myself. White hot was clouding my vision and he sucked teasingly on the tip as I came, my body convulsing as he stroked my thighs.

And when I was finished, my own body slumping in exhaustion, I saw Paul swallow some he'd caught, wiping at his mouth as he gave my dick one last kiss before pulling my boxers back up for me and stripping himself of his shirt. Crawling back up, he held me in his arms, my mind blank of everything except how much I loved being this close to him.

: : : end of mature content, you may proceed : : :

"Good morning." I wasn't aware of when  I woke up, sometime between dark and dark but Paul was holding me to his chest and I heard voices coming from his living room. The guys were home and I'd slept a while. There was a goofy smile on my face and I didn't care enough to be embarrassed as I looked up to him. His hair was wet and his lips were turned up in amusement.

"It's actually midnight."

Sitting up real fast, I turned to look out his window before laughing and falling back onto his soft white pillows, "Jesus Christ, that was amazing." Cuddling further into his blankets, I yawned out a "Thank you." There was something about the way he looked at me then, something different and he felt even more open than before. I felt closer.

I didn't have enough energy to blush when he reached out to rub his thumb across my cheek and I let out a small laugh at nothing in particular. "You look cute when you're tired."

"Shut up," but please don't. Recalling back to what happened and how great it felt, a pout had settled its way onto my lips. Paul probably want satisfied, id brought it up and fell straight to sleep once he'd done his part. "I wanted to jerk you off or something, you did all the work."

"You looked hot." Rolling so he was laying on top of me, Paul smirked before kissing slowly at the mark left on my neck, my breath hitching. once he was satisfied, he'd pulled back, my skin still hot. "Besides, I'm happy making you happy."

My head was cloudy but his words didn't slide past me, "No." how long was I even asleep? Oh God. God, "That was so quick, God."

Oh my god. He's probably been with a ton of guys... he could literally have anyone he wanted and that's the best I could do?

He was laughing then and I didn't realize that my head was in my hands until he was pulling them away. "Hey," Paul always had this urge to reassure me, and normally it was endearing but my cheeks were flaming red and I kinda wanted to crawl in a ball and die, "you lasted longer than I thought you would."

"Jesus Christ."

I couldn't even really go anywhere.  "I got off in the shower after, I'm cool." he shrugged as if it were the most normal thing ever and I let out a laugh at that, we were at that place now. This was normal and I kinda loved it.

"But-"

"No buts." looking up into the sky as if he were thinking, he mimicked my pout, kissing lightly at my protruding bottom lip. "Unless it's yours because your butt is really nice." Instinctively, my hands traveled down to squeeze teasingly at his ass and he laughed.

"Shut up." But there was still a smile in my voice hidden within the sleepiness and he must've understood because he pecked my nose before my lips and sat up, tracing small circles and lines on my chest before spreading his fingers and running his hands down up and down the length of my body. Blushing again, I stilled his wrists and he met my eyes.

"Make me."

Holding him in place, I couldn't help just sitting there and staring. He was really here, I really had him and I was in love. "I really do love you, Paul." Leaning up to kiss at his lips, I stayed there, his hands grasping my cheeks and I took my time taking in everything about him. "I just, I don't want you to think that I didn't mean it because I did. It wasn't just a way to get you to do that with me."

"Thank you for that, by the way."

He smiled at that, leaning forward to placed his head in the crook of my neck and pull my body so close to his that I could feel his heartbeat. Hugging me, he wrapped his Leo's around my waist and say fully in my lap. "I trust you enough to know you're not that kind of guy, Jules."

"You do?" That was a shock sensing he didn't trust me after the Andy thing and I didn't expect him to trust me so soon but I was happy.

"One hundred percent." Pulling back with his arms still around my neck and his fingers drawing constellations on the skin, he made a face, "Now get up and shower."

With a heavy and dramatic sigh, I pulled his arms loose before collapsing back on his bed and dragging him with me. His hands met right around my head and he let out a scared whimper as we went down. Instantly, I went to wrap my legs around him like he had done me and hugged his body to mine. "I'm sleepy."

"You're also kind of gross and I have to change my sheets."

"You literally just ate my ass."

"I've brushed my teeth and showered."

"Good point." Pushing him off as if he were contaminated, I rolled my way off his bed and left to go get a towel. Poking my head back in the door, I looked at the angel sat criss-crossed on his bed, my brows raised. "Kiss me?"

"After you shower."

A/N:

(P.s. Still not healed but he's getting better)

But you know those books where the MC converts the love interest and basically bashes their sexuality the entire book? Like those "my best friend is gay but I love him so I'm gonna change him" books... Or the other way around like... Why?

Just why?

My close friend is gay too and I love him (platonically) but if I loved him any other way, I wouldn't do that shit. He's happy the way he is and he tried so hard to build his own confidence and he's finally comfortable with his sexuality, I wouldn't be like "no, pick me!"

WHY WOULD YOU EVER?

Idk idk anyways... Would you guys watch if I periscoped because it's easier than younow?

Updated: Wednesday, August 17. (Almost my birthday woo)