[Will; I'm Yours by Alessia Cara]
Comment guys, reader engagement is so cool and I really thought you would like this chapter. xx

FORTY-TWO: when you hold your future in your hands.

This was one of those days.

It'd been a week of studying for final exams and Paul crashing at mine each night after helping me study. Apparently he wasn't just skilled at art, he was also amazing in math and I was sure that I'd get at least a B on my exam.

Although, I'd fallen asleep ecstatic and curled in his arms, I'd woke up in the morning, my head was killing me and Paul wasn't there. Rubbing at the sides, I reached in my bedside table for my aspirin and antidepressants before checking my phone. I couldn't even force a smile even when I'd seen Paul and I on my home screen, dismissing a text from him because I wouldn't be able to respond with how blurry my vision was and how bad my head was pounding. He'd messaged me, a while back presumably, about going to work and I'd been overthinking about that simple sentiment.

Looking over the picture again, I recalled the feeling of him next to me, how he'd jumped on my back and kissed at my cheek happily after my final soccer game. The guys on the team either didn't care or passed it off as a joke but I could see a few odd looks as I laughed and carried my boyfriend back to the car. There was a smile on my face that couldn't ever be wiped away. Rilee had caught it on camera and it had to be my favorite picture ever, both loves of my life in one.

And even looking at that didn't make me feel any better only a little upset and insanely embarrassed for not being as happy as I was back then. Locking my phone, I'd thrown it carelessly back onto my pillows and looked down at the pills in my hand, solemnly. My chest felt empty that morning, lonely sitting on top of me and self-hate coming to the surface when I'd rose from my bed and went to the bathroom to retrieve water for my meds and then I'd retreat back to my bed.

All thoughts of just going back to sleep and being okay were pushed aside when I'd downed the capsules and stood in front of my mirror.

I had moderate acne, it'd been popping up in spots since I'd started taking my medication, and Proactive wasn't something I wanted to go through again. Using my breakout care made me think of my mother, everything made me think of my mother but even more that day, I felt like cleaning my skin would lead to an emotional breakdown.

Sighing, I assessed my reflection, dark circles weighing on my eyes like the accumulation of all my baggage. I hadn't gotten much sleep when Paul wasn't there, was that too needy? That I couldn't sleep away from him or else I'd wake up every hour and stare at the ceiling for absolutely no reason at all? And I tried, I really did try to get sleep jut as I really did try to see my old self in the mirror. I didn't know who I was anymore nor did I recognize the reflection. My eyes looked dead, no longer the green that resembled my father but an ashy moss color, drained of all energy.

I looked dead in all. Lifting at the hem of my shirt, I tried not to pay attention to how much I hated mysel- my body but my eyes wouldn't stray away from the mirror and then I was standing there in only boxers, scrutinizing myself. I was ugly.

Ugly and fat and I looked like death.

Swallowing slowly, I clenched my fist after I'd pulled my shirt off, slight sting to the skin as my nails had dug in. My breathing was shallow as I squeezed my eyes tight and tried to slow my breaths, a trick my therapist had taught me. Think of things you enjoy:  friends... soccer, Paul, watching sports documentaries with my boyfriend, Paul, pretending to be interested. Kissing Paul, loving Paul, I enjoyed Paul.

He was everything to me. I thought of the cute way he talked, animated, thought of his bright eyes and huge smile. Almost all at once, my breathing slowed. Peeling my eyes open as if it were a difficulty, I stared with distaste at the curves of my body and I was able to rip my gaze away. Staring at the floor, I caught my feet shuffling in Paul's galaxy print socks and I smiled. Grabbing my towel and turning the shower on, I pushed myself to get ready for the day when all I wanted to do was go to sleep. It was a cycle and I found myself refusing to look at my reflection in the chrome shower handles, refusing to look down at my body, skin burning at how hard I scrubbed.

This was just an off day, I was gonna get through it, he doesn't like me laying around all day.

: : :

I was in the middle of studying after school- well, really, trying not to study by procrastinating- when my dad had called me. Thankful for the interruption, I placed my book back down on the couch and made my way to the garage where sound was coming from. My dad hadn't done anything leisurely in a while so when I'd caught him with a soccer ball in between his feet and his Saturday clothes on, in the middle of the week... I couldn't help but be confused. My day wasn't the best I'd had, pretty iffy if we were being honest, I felt better than that morning but there was still something in me that prevented a smile.

My dad was the same when he'd came home from work, throwing his briefcase down with a sigh as heading into his room in silence.

Obviously he was supposed to be at work but when I'd brought it up, he mentioned something about taking the day off since he hadn't had much to do that morning. Not believing that but not wanting to pry since it felt as if we still weren't on that level, I nodded.

We hadn't really talked in a while, hadn't spent time together that was light-hearted and I realized that maybe this was what he was trying to do. Maybe he was channeling when we used to play soccer together, before he'd signed me up at the local rec center after realizing that he was absolutely shit at soccer. Maybe he wanted to put down the frustration and just kick the ball around.

He proved me right when my old yellowing and patchy soccer ball came barreling towards my feet. I wasn't planning on going anywhere, wasn't even planning to leave the house really, so I was still dressed in my pajama pants and plain t-shirt with mismatch socks and Nike slides. My dad didn't care though as he motioned towards the ball.

Narrowing my eyes, I took it between my feet and bit the inside of my cheek, we hadn't even had goals set up much less actual outside clothes on and I couldn't help but laugh at that. Sending the ball back to him, I shook my head when he clumsily kicked it towards the garage door by accident so it wouldn't end up in the street. My dad was never really good at sports, hence why we didn't really play together, but I didn't mind. Running to catch the ball before it ended up underneath the car, I pointed out the markings for the goals.

And then we were running up and down the yard, playing one on one, as if I were seven again. I looked a mess, hair greasy, face flushed, and my lungs burned from both laughing and running at the same time but that didn't matter when we were playing especially with how the joy was reciprocated. He was smiling for the first time in a while, green eyes bright and corners scrunched when he'd tell a joke before laughing at himself.

"Let it go, ball hog." He'd demanded once our feet were locked in a position and I'd taken the opportunity to use a play that he hadn't seen since he was never at any of the games anymore. Ignoring that slight pang, I forced a chuckle.

"That would be pretty dumb, we're playing against each other, Jason." I'd joked, pushing his arm lightly before trying to take it back his way. What I didn't understand was the grass was still wet with dew and I'd kicked too hard, catching myself before I fell on the ground. He laughed when I'd slipped up and, before I knew it, he'd stolen the ball from me. Dashing back to my 'net,' he'd kicked the ball in, with a little too much force, before cheering.

And the smile on my face felt less fake when he was jumping around and pointing to the ball as if he'd done something great. That was... cool.

"Jason Douglas, newest drafted soccer player in the league."

Stomach hurting with the amount of laughter that was leaving my body, I tried not to double over and settled with playing along. He was still smiling. "Oh, really, what team?"

Rolling his eyes as if that were irrelevant, he kicked the ball back to me before including an "All of them." And heading towards me, stealing the ball again as I couldn't hold in my laughter.

That was how the next hour went, my dad and I just outside kicking a ball around and being goofy.

When I'd had enough breathlessness, I'd headed into the garage to grab water out of the mini fridge. Tossing it to my dad, he caught it before placing it on his forehead. With summer coming in quickly, it was getting so hot and a two hour game of soccer in the blazing sun was surely enough to give my dad a tan and nearly a heatstroke. Laying down on the ground, he tried to slow his heavy breathing and I couldn't help but silently thank Coach for keeping us in shape.

We'd stayed like that, my dad throwing water at me whenever I made and old joke and this was turning into one of the best days I'd had in a while. The morning was forgotten.

Wiping the side of my face when he turned to me with a false glare, I raised an eyebrow. "Asswipe."

And I rolled my eyes again, fighting back the smile, this was how we were. We were going back in time, getting closer again and that made me happy even if that was an insult. "Yes, Father?"

He reciprocated the eye roll before snatching my water from my hand and taking a sip. Throwing a hand over his face, he shielded himself from the sun and gestured towards the street. "Go check the mail."

As if on cue, I'd looked up to see the mailman driving down the street and I'd huffed, "Why?"

"Because I'm the dad and you're the son." He simply retorted before leaning his head up to give me a pointed look before falling back onto his back. I was sure his shirt was wet and held grass stains but I chose not to comment on that. "Also, I'm not getting up, my legs are killing me, I don't know how you do this everyday."

Lifting myself up from kneeling beside my dad, I kicked lightly at the ball beside me and pushed it towards him. When it had slightly come in contact with his skin, he clutched his side dramatically. "Exercise, not a foreign subject." And with that, I jogged to the mailbox, tugging it open and ignoring the names printed onto the envelopes. I knew I'd see my mother's name and really, I didn't even think my dad could handle that.

But when I'd gotten to him and he'd grabbed the mail out of my hands, he'd paused before staring shortly at his empty ring finger before running his thumb over it and looking back at the envelope. With a clear of his throat, he spoke. "Bills, bills, bills..." after each word, he placed the envelope down before looking at the next before stopping completely.

With a breath, his eyes flickered to mine and he smiled small. "Santa Barbra." It felt as if time had stopped, my heartbeat slowing before it sped and it felt as if my air was trying to catch up. My dad was holding the letter out towards me and I'd grabbed at it with shaking hands.

I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it. Staring down at the emblem in the corner and my name printed neatly on the envelope, I  physically could not open it.

Then my dad was hitting at my shoulder, collecting all the disregarded mail from the ground and standing up with a pep in his step. "What're you waiting for? Open it!" His voice was filled to the brink with excitement when he'd yanked me from the ground, my eyes never straying from my name. I was moving robotically after my father, gripping tightly onto his wrist but he didn't mind. "Jade!" He'd yelled up the stairs when we'd made it into the house and I took a seat on the couch beside my forgotten text-books.

"Pops?" Her voice was distant and I could barely hear her much less focused on her, my eyes wouldn't leave the envelope. My heart was pounding wildly in my chest, erratically beating against my ribcage, this was it. I was either gonna get in or I wasn't, no more running from my future.

Staring st the ground was all I could do, eyes meeting the carpet as I tried to regulate my breathing. I hadn't had a panic attack in so long, I couldn't have one now. Terrified, I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to fight back the rise, swallowing thickly, I felt my dad clasping a hand on my shoulder and smiling wide at me.

Then his voice was loud, energy pouring off of his in waves and I tried to calm down, eyes meeting his sea green ones.

"Your brother got his letter from that college!" He was so enthusiastic, so ready and I couldn't sense a doubt in his mind that I would get in. I'd sent out numerous college applications but this one was the only one I was counting on so when rejection hit me on the others, I was only upset for a bit. This one though, this one would truly hurt and I didn't think I could bring myself to open that letter in fear of it.

My dad must've sensed this, smile lowering to a subdued grimace that lifted the corners of his lips and his brows furrowed. "Why aren't you happy?"

I chose not to point out that I was never happy, opting to cough, my skin cooling down from my small freak out and I gulped.

Eyes piercing the paper in my hands, almost as if I could burn through it, I asked, "What if I don't get in?" My voice was barely there, thoughts coming to a standstill. They couldn't reject me, I couldn't stay in this stupid town and play for Michigan State.

"It's not the end of the world." But it was, what was there to stay in Brighton for? I had to get away from all the hate and the hurt and everything that this town stood for. "I'll support you no matter what."

But Paul and my dad and Jade were here, they were in Michigan. Paul was going to Chicago, that was so close and I wouldn't have to deal with long-distance. That was the only perk, if we were being honest, but it calmed me a bit. I mean, Michigan State was a great school.

"Hold up, I gotta get my camera." Jade had announced, ending my internal dilemma and I was brought back to the real world. Mouthing and excuse to my dad about nerves, I bit my lip. And when my sister had returned with her old Cannon and pointed it at me, I sucked in a breath. "Open it, bro."

I could do this, I could do this, they were there. They supported me and even if this was a rejection letter, I could build a life with my boyfriend, it was going to be okay. "Okay."

Thumbing at the seal, I pulled it carefully, trying not to rip the letter inside. "You got this."

"But what if-"

Jade had cut me off with a huff and a roll of her eyes, "Open it!" At her yell, I jumped, ripping open the envelope and eyes going to read over it.

And then again.

And then again, tears welling in my eyes and my dad's hand gripping my shoulder tighter than before. There was a knot in my throat as I croaked the words out.

"Dear Julian, Congratulations! We are pleased to inform you of your acceptance to the University of California, Santa Barbara beginning in the fall of 2015!"

And then I was mumbling the words over and over again, re-reading as if it were a joke I'd soon wake up from. But it wasn't and my sister was yanking me up with a scream and launching herself into my arms along with my dad.

It didn't hit me until they pulled away and I almost sank to my knees, hanging my head and praying over and over again. There was gratitude in my tone as a small thank you came out, my eyes connecting to the cross on the wall. And then my dad was ripping the letter from my hands and yelling about how he needed to get it framed.

"Holy shit, I got in." I'd whispered, eyes fogged up with tears and then I was jumping up, a surge of energy darting through me. "I'm going to college!" My dad's arms were around me in a second and I could feel him crying as well and fuck.

"I'm so proud of you."

Voice scratchy from the screaming and crying, I lowered it, clutching onto his back. "Oh my god. I'm going to college, I'm going to college, I'm going to college."

"What are you waiting for?" He'd asked when we separated and I took a second to collect my thoughts. "Call Paul over, we're going out to eat in celebration!"

Oh my god.

"Paul." My voice was barely there and I remembered something. "We haven't talked a lot about it yet... I mean, I know he's gonna be happy for me..." it was so far but this was Paul we were talking about, selfless, amazing Paul. Of course, he'd be happy for me. "Right?"

And sensing the way my heart sank, Jade sunk down in the chair beside me allowing me to lean my head on her shoulder. "Of course he is, he loves you." With a small smile, she took my hand in hers and I valued this small sentiment of sibling love. Squeezing my hand, she leaned her head to rest on mine and spoke the words that I didn't wanna face. "But he's not going to be there."

"Yeah..."

: : :

I couldn't keep it in. Since the minute I read over my acceptance letter, my heart was through the roof and my head was in the clouds. Even during the celebratory dinner, I couldn't focus and my Dad had to snap me out of it in order for the waiter to take my order. I'd fallen asleep with a smile on my face, replying to Paul's good night text with a million hearts that he replied to instantly.

I was going to college, I was really going to the college I'd been pinning after for years and nothing would take this away from me. Life couldn't get any better.

"Guess what?" There was a smile on my face and I was so sure that it wasn't ever gonna disappear when I'd met Caspar and Will in the student parking lot that morning. Due to Paul's new work schedule, he didn't pick me up anymore, and I hadn't really seen him in two days. But I was happy, Paul wasn't the source of my happiness, nor could he be. Slowly but surely, I was realizing that I couldn't base all of my happiness off of my boyfriend.

I needed friends around me and my family bonds and I had that as well as a future plan coming into place. All I needed now was a job and I would finally be ready to be on my own.

Caspar must've noticed my mood because as he was locking up a beat up old Honda Civic, he'd given me an unimpressed look, heading into the building with me and Will following. "I wanna ignore you but that stupid ass grin is making it hard." He'd groaned out and Willa had laughed, locking her arm with mine and matching our steps.

"Shut up, Cas." She'd ordered as we'd made it down the math hall and towards the cafeteria to find the rest of the guys. Turning her face towards me as we walked, she questioned what I'd been dying to hear since I'd gotten to school. "What's up?" And my heart grew two sizes when we stopped at Caspar's locker and he'd thrown in a book before grabbing a dark hoodie.

Unable to hold it in anymore, I dug in my pocket for the copy of my acceptance letter. It wasn't the real one, of course, my dad had that one but I couldn't help but smile even wider when Will had taken it into her hands and Caspar read over her shoulder. "I got into Santa Barbra!"

"Oh my god!" She exclaimed with as much enthusiasm as me and I could've sworn I saw a small smile flickering on Caspar's face.

"Congrats, man."

But Will wasn't so much a 'congrats, man' type and she was already jumping into my arms, peppering my face with kisses. "I'm so happy for you." There was a laugh in her voice and I couldn't help but reciprocate it when Caspar pulled her back by her waist. "Did you tell the guys?"

And with a look around, I answered, "Not yet, I tried looking for them but I didn't see Andy this morning and he's always the first one here, practicing before classes."

Still bouncing on her toes, she shrugged. "Well, Ben rode the bus and I think he has ISS."

"For what?"

"Who knows?" She'd sighed before leaning back on her best friend and I could tell that she was curious about it herself.

"I heard he was caught making out with some girl and got booked for PDA." This was the most Caspar had talked in a single sitting and Will must've noticed as well because her smile only got wider when she leaned her head back to look up at him.

"Booked? Can you quit it with the jail lingo, dork?"

And he raised his eyebrow, "Dork? Is that the best you got?"

I saw her open her mouth again but instantly snap it shut and then Will was giggling uncontrollably, doubling over as Caspar gripped at her sides. Then he was just looking at her, a glint in his eye, he hadn't released her and I think she had noticed it too when he'd abruptly stopped. Her back was towards a locker and her laughter was slowing.

"Why're you staring at me like that, weirdo?" Voice holding confusion yet amusement, neither of us were prepared for what came out of his mouth.

"You just... You look really pretty." Eyes flickering to her glossy lips, he licked his before looking back into her brown eyes and slipping a hand underneath her chin.

"What? Are you high again because if you are-"

I didn't have time to react, glued to my spot as Caspar took her face between his hands and quickly placed his lips on hers. Her eyes were wide open, mine bulged out of their sockets and we were both frozen.

He'd pulled away when he noticed, silence hitting him and he looked just about as shocked as the both of us when she'd given him a questioning look. "Uh?"

And Caspar went as white as, well, Casper. Backing up slowly, his chest heaved and I could see his hands shaking at there respective sides. He obviously hadn't meant to do that and I felt kind of bad for the guy. I'd kissed Paul the same way but that had ended up with a makeout, this... not so much. "I... I gotta go."

When he was gone, we stood there for a good minute, warning bell ringing to inform us that class was starting and Will had shook out of shock, "That was weird."

I could relate again, I'd had a few experiences of being kissed by people that I didn't like. But the thing was, I don't think Caspar liked her either, not in a romantic way at least. They'd been best friends for a while and they both had other people they were interested in, I thought.

Deciding not to say anything about it, I'd motioned he way she went for class and decided to allow her time to relax. "Come on, I'll walk you to class."

And she'd nodded her curly head faintly, "Okay just," distancing herself from me with a small smile, she held her hands up in defense, "don't kiss me."

"Damn, way to ruin my plans." Pouting, I winced when her small fist had come into contact with my arm and damn she had one heck of a punch.

"Shut up." Rolling her eyes, she'd walked beside me as we made it to her class and when we'd gotten to the door, she gave me a small hug. "I'll see you at lunch, dork."

Feeling my phone vibrate on my way back to my class, I pulled it out of my pocket and all three of my notifications were from my boyfriend. He'd tweeted a really cute snapchat selfie and my heart wouldn't stop beating. I'd momentarily stopped walking.

PaulyBJones: growing out the facial hair and the foliage. get you a man who can do both.

Another notification was of our messages and I smiled, he was just so cute, I didn't understand it. Feet moving, I made it to my class on time but was unable to remove my eyes from my phone.

From: Baby
How's your day going, beautiful?

And there was a smile on my face, these past two days had to be the best of my life.

To: Baby
Dramatic but great, how's yours?

From: Baby
Awkward. My mom keeps asking about the smile on my face, I told her about you.

And just thinking about meeting his parents made me nervous. What if I didn't live up to their expectations? What if they just didn't like me?

From: Baby
How's it dramatic? Are you okay?

Reassuring him that I was fine and I'd talk to him about it later, I sent him a heart before tucking my phone into my pocket and pulling out my notebook. There was still a nagging worry in the back of my head but I pushed it to the side, I didn't meet his parents for another two weeks, I was going to be okay.

That worry didn't stop me from smiling all throughout first through fourth period math, even if Benji wasn't there to keep me company.

He told his mom about me.

A/N:

Low days and high days, guys, low and high. And if I've messed up at all in any of the information in this chapter, please let me know. x

This book is gonna be a long one, I apologize in advance for the emotional rollercoaster.

Updated: Wed, Nov 23.