[Queer by BROCKHAMPTON]

TRIGGER WARNING: MINIMAL TALK OF SEXUAL ASSAULT, PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

FORTY-NINE: when he takes a bigger step.

PaulyBJones has posted a new photo.

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PaulyBJones: 🇺🇸🏳️‍🌈 🇲🇽
17,391 comments

joe_sugg: got a little juice on ya picture there, mate.
carlawithak: he's not gay guys, light of day is just hella proactive
CynthiaRoss: this is so anti-trump and I love it
BrianG: kys liberal fag
IAmBrandonRoss: no camera credits?
jancalligan: a gay icon.
Lighthousefans: @jancalligan he's not gay but I love how straight guys are supporting gay rights.
jancalligan: honey, he ain't straight @Lighthousefans

"So, Pablo, huh?" We were laying in his bed a few hours after we'd arrived and calmed from the standoff with his brother. I'd expected -due to the events of the week prior- that Paul would distance himself but, surprisingly, he'd snapped back pretty quickly. Paul- prior to the arguments we'd had- was a very affectionate person. He talked about how much he loved to hold me, he'd always made me feel good about myself or at least try and he was a source of comfort. I missed how much happiness he brought me.

And laying with him, God, I missed it; his arms held me both securely and leisurely and his legs were intertwined with mine as we watched Netflix on his phone. I had been trying to find something for us to do together, to show him that I wasn't still mad at him and to hopefully cheer him up how he always did for me.

"You really are Picasso."

He'd laughed then, his eyes squeezing shut and he'd pulled me closer to his body. Warmth had sunken in through my skin then, his breathing synchronizing with mine and I just couldn't stop myself from pushing myself further into him so I could feel his breaths and soothing motions on my skin.

"Shut up," he countered and I couldn't help but follow through with my own laugh, "It's my birth name but when we moved to the States, my mom wanted me to have the same opportunities as a full white guy so I went by my English name and I took my dad's last name." Paul Jones, it was an extremely white name and I could definitely see what he meant. Identifying completely as Hispanic on paper would've made his life ten times harder.

Being friends with people so educated on social issues and racism and systematics, I'd inherently became more educated. Benji was a co-founder of a cultural awareness club, something I wouldn't have expected from the first time meeting him and Will was a huge advocate for women's rights, lgbt rights, black right, people of color rights... my friends were great people and my boyfriend was a great person and I couldn't be more content with how much they had changed me.

I could contribute to the conversation and, more importantly, I could be genuinely in-tune and empathetic even if I couldn't necessarily feel what they felt. "And yes, that's also why Rilee calls me Picasso." Paul tried to joke, lifting the heavy air and I couldn't help but feel as if we needed to talk about it a little more.

"What's your full Spanish name?" I wanted to know him and that included knowing this entirely other side to him. There was an entirely other side to who he was.

"Pablo Luis Martinez-Jones." The way it rolled off his tongue made me smile as did the fact that Jones fit so awkwardly on the end but it was so adorable to hear him say it. His voice was so soft, it flowed nicely and he talked pretty fast. Hearing him speak another language was so nice to me, he words sounding so natural, just as natural. I loved Paul Jones, I could definitely love Pablo Martinez as well.

"That's pretty."

At that he started to laugh, pulling me in to kiss my lips and when he pulled away, he rested his forehead on mine lovingly. His hands were so soft as they stroked my skin, his voice was gentle and his quiet laugh vibrated my skin in the nicest of ways. "What are you laughing at?"

"Nothing," biting his lip, he looked at me and I admired the stubble that was growing in, the way he was starting to look older but when he was this close, he looked so young and full of life. I scanned over his lips, how one tucked into his teeth and the skin looked so soft, just as soft as they felt. His eyes were so pretty, fanned by long lashes and I couldn't help but stare. My boyfriend was so beautiful and I was such a sap.

Kissing me again before moving another to my cheek, he smiled against my skin, "it's just, you really thought this was white boy hair?"

His hair was extremely thick now that he pointed it out, his skin did have a tan glow and his curls were unlike anything I'd ever seen on someone white. "I mean... I thought you were... Italian, I don't know? Is it weird that it felt weird to ask?"

Laughing again, Paul pulled himself so he was sitting up and he slipped back on his pants. It had been little hot in his room and amidst watching an episode of Greys, he'd undressed.

In a big tee, my boyfriend tugged me into his side, my body buried against his.

I found myself looking around the room, eyes flitting from one object to another. From an stereo, some vhs tapes stacked high on a bookshelf with an old gameboy. Buckets of what I could presume was art supplies instead of actual books.

His walls had a few posters strewn about, some paintings hung up that were clearly from more amateur days. He'd mastered his craft now and I held him closer.

"Baby..."

There were art pieces leant against his closet door, the front one a few people in a garden of sorts. I tried to understand it, a game controller sat in this hands

He blinked down at me, eyebrows raised. "What's that?"

"Uh..." embarrassment lingered on his features. He'd met my gaze, eyes drinking in what I'd been looking at and he scratched the back of his neck, "it was based on technological obsession. It-it's supposed to be kids playing video games, like, instead of tag or something... you know, glitching in a field?"

And that was really cool. It was so different from the things that he'd shown me already, all his art now was romantic almost. It felt softer now, more museum-like, but there was still something so nice about the heaviness of older pieces.

"I was very literal in high school and I only painted in dollar store acrylic cause I couldn't afford good supplies."

The bashfulness was cute.

"I like it."

He'd lit up then, even if it wasn't extremely visible. His voice was still so soft, fingertips brushing against my cheek. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's really well done."

Really, everything he did was and I tried not to be embarrassed telling him why I really loved it.

"Well, like, it's good to me cause I can also tell the meaning." Thick brows furrowed then and I sat up, turning towards him. He bit his bottom lip, eyes widening and it was so hard to speak when he looked at me like that.

God, he was so fucking cute. "I love your art now but I feel so stupid sometimes when you're explaining your pieces."

His hand was on my thigh now, thumb drawing a circle there, his body still so relaxed and he said it so nonchalantly. "You're not stupid, don't ever say that."

I love you.

Clearing my throat, I tried to ignore how much my heart swelled. "Can we-can we rewind? I wasn't paying attention."

But, he wasn't done because I guess I didn't seem too convinced and my boyfriend laced our fingers together. "You are so smart, Jules." Even if it wasn't that serious, he always took me seriously. "Okay? Don't tell yourself otherwise."

A blush soaked my skin, heart so warm and I fell back into his chest. Kiss on soft lips, there was a hand guiding the back of my neck, stroking the skin there so gently. We'd fallen asleep shortly after.

: : :

After Paul had busied himself with some digital art piece he was working on on the desktop in a different room, I found myself in his kitchen. It was still a little weird to maneuver around his house, often times I'd stop and admire their pictures, baby Paul making my heart swell. Eventually a feeling of imposing would wash over me and I'd then find myself just wandering.

I was standing by his kitchen sink and responding back to something funny Ben had sent in our groupchat when someone else had joined me. They had light footsteps, so light that I wouldn't have noticed if they hadn't grazed my arm. I would get lost in my head pretty often.

Peaking up from my phone, I tried to put a face to my company, almost instantly shrinking in. Milo Jones was slightly intimidating and even more than slightly awkward to be around. Being a little bit taller than me, maybe even a little taller than Paul, Milo gave me a wary kind of feeling. In the simplest definition, he made me feel uncomfortable and ultimately made me feel as if our talking shouldn't occur.

But he wouldn't let me just ignore him, of course, he had to make conversation. It was as if everything. Paul had said had went into one ear and out of the other. "He really loves you, you know?"

Furrowing my brows, I looked at him, having to look up a bit due to the fact that he had around two inches on me. I was already almost 6-foot, Paul was 6'2 and still I found myself looking up at his brother... they were a family of giants. "Excuse me?"

"I'm not scared of Paul, he's not gonna stop me from being nice to his boyfriend." Shrugging, he opened the drawer beside me, pulling a lighter out and I expected him to leave it at that but he didn't.  "You're more family to him than I've been."

"Oh."

Nodding, he went to put the lighter in his pocket, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and I couldn't help but sink into myself a little more. It was so awkward but it was sweet that he seemed to care about his brother. "He really loves you... Just don't hurt him, I've done that enough."

And that had a slightly ominous tone, I wanted to know more and although I probably should've waiting for Paul to tell me, I tried to syphon a small explanation out of his brother. "Why?" I was slightly sick if not knowing anything and it really was in good intention.

"I didn't want him to be gay so I convinced myself that I was just doing him a favor by beating the shit out of him." And there it was, it was something I'd already had a hunch on but he confirmed it and it was extremely upsetting but Milo looked more distraught then I was and I had to remember to not make everything about me. "He hates me."

"He doesn't hate you," I tried to comfort, knowing that Paul didn't have much hate in his heart. He was such a forgiving person and it was both a blessing and a curse. He forgave when he didn't need to and when he probably shouldn't have and that was who he was. A lingering reminder in the back of my head was of the fact that he didn't tell me about his brother, he didn't tell me about his past, he didn't even tell me about him being Mexican.

There had to have been reasons... maybe I didn't know Paul enough. But how didn't I know him when I could look at him and know I'm in love? How could I be so in love with him when I didn't know these huge aspects of him?

"Nah," Milo shrugged and I tried not to cry in frustration. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he didn't meet my eyes, that was a shock due to how confident he seemed. Maybe Paul needed to give him a little forgiveness.

Who was I to say that though when I didn't know much about their situation? "I'm pretty sure he hates my guts, you should too since you're homo and all."

"I've seen Paul hate someone. He doesn't hate you."

"You're really good for him."

Was I?

At that, Milo went to exit, probably out back to have a smoke as alluded to by the pack of cigarettes he'd pulled out of his back pocket and I went to grab a drink to wash down my overthinking.

Hearing his voice any other time would've been relaxing but at this moment, my heart started to beat a little louder. "Jules?"

I wasn't sure what I was anxious about until I let out a reflexive: "In here," and I locked eyes with the older wavy-haired boy.

My eyes widened in sync with Paul's brother and almost instantly, I realized where I messed up and how upset he'd be if he found us talking. I didn't wanna divide them any more than they already were and the one across from me must have noticed because he quickly looked around searching for somewhere to hide.

Opening a door to what I presumed to be a closet, he stuck his foot in and started swearing once realizing that the pantry was too full and I found myself blocking the doorway a bit when Paul entered, jerking my head towards the side of the fridge. I don't know why I helped Milo but I'd like to think it was more to save my own ass. "Shit-"

Opening the fridge to block him further, I made it seem like I was rummaging through the freezer since the door provided the most coverage for a tall and built kind of guy.

"You wanna run to the store with me?" Paul had offered when he walked in, eyes on his phone and I sucked in a breath of relief, he had passed right by his brother and I wasn't sure if it was because he wasn't wearing glasses or just he didn't pay attention but I was thankful.

"Of course," I'd have done anything to get myself out of that position of hiding a grown man. My palms were already clammy and I was nervous enough as it was, "aren't you supposed to be finishing that piece?"

"Yeah, I got tired and I don't wanna force myself to finish it." Shrugging, he moved over towards the sink and rested his body against it. When I turned towards him, he was pointing his phone screen at me, showing a picture he had posted around three hours before. "Look."

In the picture, he'd been off to the side facing the camera and looking so cool,he was eating my jacket and there was a red effect going right through the middle, I think brandon used a prism. "I know, you look great." The caption was the American flag, the gay flag, and the Mexican flag and I knew some of his followers caught onto what he was alluding to. It was a coming out without coming out.

And they still didn't understand. "They're really having a debate about my sexuality in the comments, general consensus says I'm a straight ally and just opposing trump's anti-Mexican stance." And he was anti-trump and really anti-anything hateful but he most definitely wasn't straight and that was the point of the post, I was sure. Reminded me of how Tyler The Creator tried to come out like six times and no one took him seriously, I still didn't think he was gay.

My boyfriend looked a little discouraged though, a bit upset as he changed the subject. "What're you doing in here?" That snapped me back and I couldn't help but stutter as I lied.

"Just..." and I mean, it was a white lie and I wasn't even necessarily lying to him, it was just to not upset him, "getting something to drink."

He laughed at that, looking up from where he was probably scrolling through comments. "You sure?"

"Yeah."

And placing his phone down, he must've had enough. Grimacing, he looked back at me and I wanted to ask what made him upset but I couldn't find the words when I was so nervous, he'd already changed the subject. "What did you get? I'm thirsty too." Reaching his hands out, it was almost as if he turned a switch and his emotions switched drastically. Pulling me in, he let the fridge close and I settled myself in front of him, hoping he'd pay so much attention to me that Milo could leave.

"Well, I was gonna pour it and then a cute boyfriend of mine decided to make himself accessible."

"I'll get it," he'd offered, grabbing a cup out of his drain and rinsing it before moving to get ice. Pulling him back to me, I tried to keep his eyes on mine.

He looked confused, pushing me gently and I had nothing better to do than to grab his hands and take the cup from him, twining my gangly arms around his waist.

"I'm thirsty for something else now." I threw out, not knowing how else to distract him, hearing his brother snickering behind him, I had to hold Paul to me. Pulling him closer, I wrapped my arm around his neck and hugged his body to mine. I could feel his body tensing while hesitantly twining his own arms around my waist.

"Fuck, you're beautiful, baby."

My hips were in his hands and he wet his lips so sexily. Brown eyes swallowed me whole and a shiver ran up my spine.

Taking the initiative and placing my lips onto his jaw to seal the deal and get him to relax, I only hoped the rest of his family didn't walk in. Locking eyes with Milo, I widened mine and gestured with the hand behind Paul. Pushing it back, I watched thankfully as he caught the hint, backing up slowly and rounding the fridge until he was right behind Paul. Leaving out the entrance when my boyfriend pushed my hips into the counter.

Pulling off of his jaw, I felt him lift my body onto his mother's counter and I looked at him surprised, not expecting him to want it. Please don't walk in, please don't have any one else walk in. Trying to simmer down the look in his eyes, mine locked on his bottom lip tugged into his mouth and then on his chest and his muscles and fuck.

I hadn't felt that in a while, that feeling of just wanting Paul on me and I tried to remind myself where we were. Clearing my throat, I pushed his chest a little. "Just not in the kitchen."

"Really?" We hadn't been sexual in a long while, I'd been awkward with him for a few weeks as well so of course, his brows furrowed. My hands twining around his neck and into his hair, had definitely caught him off guard and I'm sure he was just as confused when he snapped back from the sexual trip he was on. Pulling back a little, his hands still lingered on my waist and I went to jump off the counter, his hands pressing down on my thighs preventing me.

Paul was a tad bit taller than me and a bit stronger in his upper body than me. He was so hot though, so extremely hot and he was patient, waiting for my words to signal whether or not I really wanted it.

And did I? Was I ready for us to actually do things again? To go back to the sexual frustration and release that we had been lacking? Recently, things felt so heavy and Paul and I barely kissed let alone touched, it was weird that even though it was just something to distract him, it wasn't... I did miss his body and I missed the way he held me and I missed the taste and feel of his skin. "Yes, really."

At that, it felt like something changed, his hands had loosened and his eyes defocused. Looking down, he tightened his grip on my thighs before letting go completely and I wondered what I said wrong. He asked a question and I answered it. "I- Jules..."

"Or not." Furrowing my brows, I was able to get off the counter, him backing up to allow me room and suddenly, I felt extremely self-conscious again. My arms had wrapped around my torso, trying to hold my confidence together and I really hated this feeling that I was making my own boyfriend uncomfortable especially in the face of touching me.

He didn't want to, that was it, he didn't want to touch me anymore and it felt kind of awful knowing that I wasn't sexually attractive to him. "No, I mean." As if sensing my train of thought, he grazed his hands on my waist and I tried to relax again without overanalyzing how loose he was touching my skin. "After last time, I didn't think you would want to..."

"Do things with you?" Shrugging, I tried to seem nonchalant but it was a little hurtful. "It's up to you, Paul, I'm fine with it." But he completely changed everything when his smile spread and he was looking at me like I was the last meal he'd ever receive. Biting his lip, he caged me back in and my heart jumped to my throat.

"Okay- fuck. Okay, yeah, yeah." Holding back onto me, he dipped his head down to meet mine and pecked my lips again, not stopping until he'd created a trail from there to my neck, his fingertips dancing on the skin of my abdomen.

"Where's your family?" There was this kind of rush that I got when thinking about his family catching us, it was an overwhelming feeling, something that gave me trouble breathing and I couldn't help but be scared. I already had the feeling that they didn't like me as much, maybe that was my mind making up for the words that they hadn't said.

Paul smiled, fixing my hair up from the way he'd pulled on it when we were all over each other. "Water park with Leo, they asked if we wanted to go but I passed since I knew you were tired." And I was tired, and pretty uncomfortable with my body at the moment but I chose not to voice that. I loved that he thought of me but damn, now his family hates me even more.

"Oh." Shaking my head at that thought, I tried to feel less like a burden. I didn't wanna be the reason he couldn't bond with his family especially since he hadn't seen a lot of them in so long. "You could've went."

But he didn't seem to care and his lips had quirked into that little sexual half-smile he had, "If I did, we wouldn't be able to do this..." kissing at my lips gently, he pushed his hands under my shirt further "and this," I felt on fire wherever he touched.

"Not yet."

Frowning, he came closer and I couldn't help but be afraid of things turning out the same way they had before. I didn't wanna see that look on his face again and if hearing him whine was all I had to do to make sure he was comfortable, I'd deny sex for as long as I had to. "Baby-"

"C'mon, we can go shopping and I'll buy you those peach rings you like and we can make out for a bit." The fire pit in my stomach was still roaring and I definitely wanted more than just kisses but I had to stay firm on that, at least until I found out exactly why he freaked out.

"Don't you know the key to my heart?"

And I rolled my eyes at that although it did feel nothing short of amazing to hear. "You sure you don't just say that because you like kissing me?"

Shrugging, he moved in for a quick kiss and I felt myself blushing, a smile spreading. "Part of the reason."

: : :

It was a give and take, making out with Paul that is. Often times he'd be selfless in his personality but when it came to us kissing, he was greedy. Paul enjoyed being all over, enjoyed slow kisses but also hard with just the right mix of soft that he'd be receiving everything I had to offer just by pulling me towards him. His lips were so soft, so insanely moisturized and his teeth would almost always drag on your bottom lip when he wanted access.

He was also a really careful but feel-y kind of guy, often his hands would find their way all over my body and I'd find myself in his lap facing him as he caresses every inch of me. I got a rush kissing Paul, a thing where my heart would beat almost out of my chest and he made me so calm yet so entirely turned on just by placing his lips on mine and if this is what he could do by just kissing me...

"Paul." I was turned on, extremely, and I was so ready for him to do whatever he wanted with me. It was to the point where I found myself rocking my body on his, trying to gain some sort of friction so we could get the momentum going and he must've understood. My pants were then unbuttoned, one of his hands holding my lower back and the other squeezing my ass in a tight grip.

Often times he'd let go and smack the skin, just hard enough for my soul to jump out of my body but definitely not enough to bruise and I found myself tugging his hair every time. He needed to get off of me before I let him have everything and he really didn't seem like he was ready for that.

His lips were on my neck, swollen and placing wet kisses wherever he could reach. I didn't know the boundaries anymore when it came to being sexual with Paul so sitting up a bit, I kept my arms by my side and didn't kiss back, just let him catch the hint. He must've noticed that I wasn't being very responsive anymore -compared to me faking apart only moments prior- if the pout on his face had anything to say about it when he sat up and looked at me with those confused brown eyes.

Shirt halfway off, Paul straightened it out and his cheeks were so flushed... there was a mark on his collarbone and I felt somewhat accomplished at how dazed he looked.

"What's wrong?" There was a smile on his swollen lips and I just wanted them back on mine but more than that, I wanted to talk to him, to know where we stood.

I never wanted to freak him out the way I did before, never wanted him to feel as if he couldn't stop me or like I was a threat to him. Fuck, he really felt like I was going to do something to him. "I..." placing my hands on his shoulders, I tried to gain strength to talk about it, the courage because who knew how he'd respond? "you were so upset last time I tried to touch you, I just don't wanna-"

"Make me uncomfortable." He nodded, smile slipping and taking the words right from my mouth, I was just happy that I didn't have to say it. I wasn't sure what exactly made him that way but I was sure that I cared about him... way too much to ignore him being hurt. He sat up a little more when the conversation took a serious turn and I tried my best to keep it light. It wasn't my fault and it wasn't his fault, we just needed to talk.

Biting my lip, I nodded, hoping he wouldn't take that negatively. "Yeah."

Luckily, he understood, fixing his clothes and twining his fingers together in his lap. The moment had died down and he was staring at his hands as he spoke. "Look, I'm fine now, I just-" at that, he choked up and I could see how hard this was for him.  "I need to have some sort of... control, ya know?" And I kind of got it but then again I didn't and I hated to say that because he really did seem to be trying to explain it and... I just wanted him to not look so scared.

His voice was quiet and he seemed to be closing himself off, I hated to hear the shakiness. Vulnerability was so raw, so entirely stripped down and, from experience, I knew what it was like to have to put yourself out there. I was pushed, I was more so ripped out of the closet and my life was on display and although it felt extremely painful, I was sure it was a little easier than having to put yourself out there.

From everything: his family, his secrets, his past relationships, his sexual history, his sexuality... everything, from what I was seeing, it had been so painful for him. And to open yourself back up to that hurt was something tricky.

"Like topping?" I tried to supply when he couldn't find the right words and it seemed to be working when he gave me a little empty half-smile that I returned with my own.

"Like if we were to... have sex, yeah." Shrugging as if to put less weight on it, Paul sighed. "I just, I need to know that I'm able to-" stopping, he cleared his throat, pulling his legs up to his chest and I tried not to feel hit at his next words. "I-I don't like feeling like I can't back away i-if I want to."

"I wouldn't force you to do anything you didn't want to, Paul." Had I not stopped before? Did he feel threatened? Did I sexually assault my boyfriend? "I'd stop if you told me to..." and he did, he said stop but I didn't know that he meant stop completely and when I noticed, I complied. I didn't touch him sexually when he said not to and I certainly didn't mean to scare him when I tried to comfort him.

I just wanted him to feel as safe with me as I did with him and I wanted him to trust that I would never lay a harmful hand on him. "I know, it's," he cleared his throat and I could hear the tears getting stuck in his words. He hadn't let them spill yet, held back his crying and I really wished he wouldn't have, "it's not just you, okay?" Did someone sexually assault my boyfriend?

Was it Brandon? Was it Nic? Who the fuck touched him?

I couldn't show how angry that made me, how completely pissed off I was at the thought of someone taking advantage of Paul in any way... someone forcing him to...

"So, um, do you want to have sex?" He'd asked and my eyes met his in confusion, that was exactly the opposite of what I was saying. I didn't care if we had sex... I mean, it would be nice but if Paul wasn't okay with it then why would I want to?

"What?"

"I don't know, you just, you seem distant." Scraping his neck, he tried to laugh it off. "Ever since you brought it up, it's like..." when I was way too emotional to talk and I still answered his FaceTime, I still regretted saying that, "and then earlier, you seemed to want it but then you didn't- it's confusing."

"I'm sorry about all of that." I especially regretted it when I saw that it stuck. "I just, I was jealous, I didn't mean for it to come out as me only wanting sex." Sure, sex with Paul would be great but I didn't need it and I didn't want him to only do it cause he felt like it would make me happy.

"I wanna be intimate, Jules, of course I do but it's hard for me." And I could tell, boy could I tell that every time he wasn't the one on top or the one in control, he got overwhelmed. That was weird, right? It wasn't a normal thing during sex? "It just... I don't know."

"Paul, we don't have to." Trying to lighten the mood, I smiled and took his hand in mine. "We're also in your parents' house."

"I-I just wanna talk about it. I mean, are you getting bored with not doing it?"

That was blunt, I still wasn't used to how blunt he was when it came to talking about things that were embarrassing. "Paul..." covering my face, I tried to keep he heat down in my face but just thinking about this talk or talks about sex in general made me flustered.

"I don't want to bore you or make you hold back, you know? I know a lot of people hate waiting and-"

"I'm fine waiting," and I was. "I was just hurt at the time but I needed to realize that just because you've had sex before doesn't mean that you're ready all the time." Just because he's had sex before doesn't mean he's ready. Just because he's had sex before doesn't mean he's ready. Just because he's had sex before doesn't make him ready. It doesn't have anything to do with me personally, he's not ready because of his own reasons and he's had sex before but... that doesn't make him ready. "I know I wanna be that close to you but only when you want to as well."

"It's not that I don't want to, though-"

I really wanted to as well, Paul was so attractive and he knew what to do and I was in love with him but he wasn't ready. "Whatever your reasons are, I'm okay with them."

"Thank you."

It was silent for a second and something shifted. He was looking me in my eyes now and he looked so content. The look in his eyes was indiscernible but he was leaning forward.

My breath hitched in the back of my throat, Paul's eyes were playful now, lips pouty and he was looking at me with those big brown eyes. I could feel myself trembling, his fingertips grazing my hipbone. "And just because we're not having sex doesn't mean we can't do other things."

He kissed me then, softly, strong arms caging around me and leaning me back only slightly. Paul tasted like those caramel hard candies and it paired well with the sandalwood scent of his cologne, he was pressing further into my skin now, mouth molding over mine and I struggled to stay upright.

Something about how Paul kissed me always left me weak in the knees, all lightheaded and reaching for him. I grasped at his shoulders, a chuckle spilling from his lips when a soft sound fell from mine.

He was curving his hand over my waist now, slipping it to my lower back and holding me steady.

His other hand curled around my chin when he slowly slipped back, thumb pressing my bottom lip down. There was a firmness in his reading, a dominance that had my eyes rolling back when he kissed down my neck.

"I love you." It tumbled out my mouth before I could stop it and he almost looked shocked when he pulled back to look at me, like I hadn't said it before.

I meant it, I hoped he could feel it in his chest.

His mouth was slightly gaped, eyes wide and almost teary. I kissed him once and twice and a third time. "Besides, your mouth is perfectly fine." I was so content with just this, I didn't need anything more.

"Shut up." He'd laughed, pulling me closer to kiss my lips and if we ended up nearly naked, Paul's hand in my boxers with a few fresh hickies along his chest, who had to know?

A/N:
sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry
senior year is tough, guys.

Updated: Wednesday, November 8.