[Face by Brockhampton]

FIFTY-THREE: when one door closed is another one opened.

His house still looked exactly the same.

There was still the missing pillar in the side gate from when Calum went riding into it with his dirt bike in the seventh grade. His mother had yelled at him back then, the memory still felt so funny looking back on it: he'd been trying to show me this new trick he learned and ended up moving too fast, falling into the gate, as a consequence, we'd spent the next week and a half repainting the nursery for his little sister. And it's easy to figure out how that would end before it even started due to Calum's 26 in art that year, there was baby pink paint on my old Radiohead t-shirt.

That shirt used to be my dad's and I remember stealing it from him to impress Calum who was in his grunge phase, messy hair and jeans that drug in the mud over his dingy and dirty converse. Back when middle school had hit us, Calum would try way too hard to fit in, I was just fine with him being my only friend but he always had this yearning for other people's acceptance and really, that should've been telling. That shirt was way too big for me back then and I never really grew into it, my sister wore it as a dress now.

Running my fingers over the doorbell, I tried not to think of the last time I'd been at this house but that was hard when everything was so him. Everything had felt like Calum and everything had a memory to it, the side window that looked so different from the others, it had been replaced by my dad the summer before 9th grade... Calum was helping me condition for soccer tryouts and he wouldn't let me give up despite how shitty I had been.

Pushing away those memories, I thankfully remembered the one step I always used to forget, I'd remembered tripping over it while staring at the back of a blond head, my bottom lip in my mouth as I tried to figure out why he looked so good in his sweaty football jersey.

I'd taken a few minutes to press the button, my mind running through scenarios, I could have left, I really could have hopped back in my car and driven to my house. My boyfriend was out of town again and despite me needing my friends' input, I still wanted to talk to him, but I didn't because I knew it would worry him -this was something I had to do on my own.

I was over Calum but there was this fear in the pit of my stomach that encased me when I watched the bell blink and minutes go by, me standing on his porch and deliberating.

It was nearing two minutes now and my hands were sweating, my therapist often told me to count out moments and let them pass but this moment was way too long and when I'd been nearing the 116th second, the door had started to unlock until it was opening and a short brunette woman with the deepest of eyes was standing on the other side, a shimmering smile on her face. When she'd seen me, she seemed to light up, her messy ponytail bobbing with her as she inched forward excitedly and enveloped me in a hug. "Julian."

"Hi." Just the sight of her made me calmer than before, I hadn't expected her to be here, it was two p.m. on a weekday.

"Well, I haven't seen you in forever sweetheart, how are you? Wow, you've grown so much."

And she was right... I had gotten taller, I had a new haircut, the clothes were more polished but I know the main thing was the fact that I was bigger than before. I'd gained so much since I was last there. A year prior, Calum was only a few inches shorter but he definitely had me on muscle mass. Since the pills made my weight fluctuate, a part of the few weeks without Paul, Andy and I hit the gym. I wasn't necessarily bulky and my arms were still scrawny as hell but I know my body was more firm, toned in a way and I didn't love how I looked but it was a noticeable change.

Olivia Cain had noticed and the way she grabbed at my face almost instantly, it made me feel both at home and anxious. It was almost maternal and my mother was always hard on me, come to think of it, his father was always hard on him. And Paul's family functioned the same, maybe hard and soft balanced out relationships, Paul and I were both the soft-careful kinds but he had this fire in him, I could see it.

But maybe, hard and soft didn't always work because my parents were separated and so were Calum's. I wondered if Paul's dad was as stern as he gave off, maybe it was just because of me.

Pulling her hands off my face, I gave her that smile she'd always been able to pull out of me, she always felt like my mother as much as Calum's and I missed her, I did. Laughing at the way she swatted my hands away, I went to offer a "It's nice seeing you too, Olivia."

And she beamed at that, "I assume you're here for Calum." she didn't know anything about Calum, she never did, even if they were kind of close... his personal life was too far beyond what they talked about and I guarantee he didn't tell her about any of it considering my father never pressed charges. I wasn't sure what he told her when she inquired about me -if she did- but I didn't sense any uneasiness in her voice so I brushed all worry away. "Or are you here to raid my fridge?" Despite the falling out I couldn't ignore how much I loved his mother.

"Is it offensive to say both?" I'd inquired, not at all serious, and she led me into the house and to the living area that felt so similar. Nothing had changed, despite a few trophies on the shelf with all of her kids' accomplishments, Calum's cap and homecoming game football sat pretty next to two diplomas and some of his older brother, Eric's, things.

When she wasn't looking, I took in my surroundings, everything was the same except it felt so different, I somehow felt stranger in this house that was my second home for almost eight years. His house was hospitable and cozy a mere year ago but now, I was cold, running my hand over the back of the couch.

"Calum!"

And I was in the house where it all started, I wasn't ready. I was gonna leave, make up some excuse and get the hell out of there because I hadn't thought far enough about this and Calum was going to ignore what had happened anyways so why not do the same?

I convinced myself that it was best for me to leave right when his voice had interrupted my train of thought and I had never felt more simultaneously relieved and gut-punched in my entire life.

"Yeah?"

"Come here!" His mother had demanded and a pause ensued before footsteps had descended the stairs and my heart dropped at the sight of blond hair, Calum on his phone as he rounded the bar of the staircase and paused.

"Dad's picking up Taylor, I already-" And upon seeing me, his movement halted and almost instantly he looked probably how I had looked before I'd thrown up all over his shoes. He was in a white tee and some basketball shorts, his socks were a plain black and they matched. Paul's socks never really matched, "Ian." He hadn't called me that in years, not since we left middle school, I was Jules from then on because people consistently got confused on what my name was.

He only called me Ian in private and even then, I hadn't been called that in so long it felt foreign. I chose not to address it as I knew it was only because his mother was there, he hadn't told her anything. "Hi."

And his mother seemed to notice the change in tone because almost instantly she went to leave the room, "I don't care what your father said either, you're still picking her up!" And hearing that brought back nostolgia, I hadn't seen Taylor in so long... Taylor was his little sister, she was twelve by now. But wait, his father? He'd told me his dad left, was that another lie?

There was something off about the way Calum spoke to me after that statement though, he wouldn't look me in the eyes -which wasn't Calum-esque- and he shuffled his feet as we stood in silence. At some point, he'd ended up putting his phone in his pocket and it didn't stop buzzing, something told me it was that boy he was kissing and maybe it was the way Calum was shuffling around, his movements tended to be extremely fidgety when he was guilty of something, a reason I'd always teased him for. He seemed a little off though, his eyes wouldn't meet mine and he wouldn't even reach for his phone to check his notifications.

His mother was gone then and I wasn't quite sure when she left, only that I was slightly nervous now that she wasn't there to keep things so fake and formal, it was real now and that ease she brought, she also took with her.

After a few moments of silence, Calum stepped back, wrapping his fingers around the banister of the stairs and gesturing towards them. He didn't say anything, just made his way up and expected me to follow, which I did reluctantly. I don't know why I had decided to leave then and I wasn't sure if I would regret it.

The walls had one or two frames on it as all his real pictures were in the trophy case but there was a picture of the blue eyed boy at Martindale beach, the same beach that we would later spend hours on end at. He was around ten and his smile was so wide, snorkels almost to big and his little scrawny body was covered in sand. I remembered meeting this boy and not quite knowing what it meant to have a best friend but somehow I knew he'd end up being very important to me. We were kids then yet I was so drawn to him and I was out of frame as we hadn't met yet but this was the trip that I begged my dad to take me on.

I remembered that day like it was yesterday, my father had realized then that he wasn't very good at dividing his time between seven year old Jade, my mother, and me and he had been taking me out to eat. At this point, kids were so mean, I was never bullied but I was pretty. ostracized and as a kid, I didn't understand it. All I understood was we were eating in some little shack somewhere near the beach since Lake Michigan was way too far and my dad had told me he had a surprise.

This surprise led to me building a sand castle with some tiny blond haired boy. I would later learn that the wavy hair and bright blue eyes had a name, Calum Cain and he lived five minutes away from me.

When we'd made it into his room, Calum took the few minutes I'd been spacing out to straighten up a bit, me sitting down on the chair next to his messy desk, he didn't seem like he was taking a seat anytime soon. As he cleaned, I got my thoughts together, I hadn't come here to be sentimental, I wasn't quite sure what I had expected to get out of this anyways. His room was still the same although, he had changed. His hair was much longer than it had been that day on the bleachers and he was in lounge clothes, he looked to be gaining a few pounds that wasn't necessarily a bad thing but he looked... tired.

Grazing over a few papers on his desk, I went to help him organize, stopping at the picture frame that had most definitely been broken the last time I was here. And then I thought back to what his mom had said. "He's back?"

Calum didn't seem to understand until he'd looked up from kicking his dirty clothes into a ball in the corner. Almost instantly, he turned back around, continuing what he was doing. "For the moment." He spoke nonchalantly, although his body language told a different story and I knew he wanted me to let it go, "he- uh- he's really excited for me."

But I didn't, I pressed the issue like always. "Why?" And I didn't think he was going to respond when he seemingly ignored that, going to finish sorting through the clothes on his bed and shove them into drawers before messily pulling up the covers. Calum never cleaned and this was weird, he wasn't the type to try and impress anyone that came into his house, he was the type to wear the same pair of gym shorts for a week in a row because he didn't give any fucks and here he was straightening up.

When he'd finally been done with that, he walked over and I expected him to take the frame from me but he only soften through a few papers and grabbed a stack of envelopes, dropping them down in front of me. The logos caught my eye as I set the carelessly glued frame down and took them into my hands, thumbing through them. "Alabama, Penn State, UCLA, Stanford," he had gotten into all of these places? "Cal." Even with an athletic scholarship, these were so impressive and joy swelled in my chest as I looked up at his soft smile.

He was just staring at me then and it made me slightly uncomfortable, my throat clear knocked him back and he went to sit on the edge of his bed, explaining in one word. "Cal." His hands were clasped together in front of him and the look in his eyes said he hadn't been expecting anything like that. I regretted it instantly.

"Sorry, its a habit."

But as I went to correct myself, he spoke up and I found myself recoiling inside. "I miss it." Staying put, my stance stayed rigid as I sat straight up in the seat, my eyes not even dusting across his as I felt ocean blues on the front of my face. "I miss you," that seemed so sincere that I felt myself looking up at him, trying to not feel awkward at the way I was correct and he was just looking at me.

We just sat there, my intention for this conversation being hindered by how unexpectedly sweet Calum was being and I tried my best not to be awkward because I didn't feel that same melting feeling I used to feel. I didn't feel how I felt when Paul told me how pretty I was or when he just smiled at me, I just felt awkward. "And about what you saw-"

He was trying to explain himself and I wasn't sure what I came here for because I didn't want to hear him rehash the seconds that led up to me ruining his shoes with my vomit. "Its none of my business."

"You saw it though." And I saw it but it was still none of my business, just like all those kids saw me pouring my heart out to him, it wasn't any of their business either.

"Are you gay?" I wasn't sure why I asked, maybe to see if he would keep denying it and the closeted kid inside of him was silenced as he spoke quickly and dismissively, disconnecting eyes with me and his phone buzzed again behind him on his bed. He didn't move to check it.

"Calum, you were really into it and I only saw a second."

And he had no way to deny that so he completely owned up to it without really owning up to it. "I was drunk, okay?" And he was drunk the times he'd kissed me, I'd give him that but he didn't have that same flush on his face he got when he was drunk and he moved way too fast to be drunk when he was trying to catch up with the boy who dashed out of the bathroom. I was sure they had done more than what he was doing that day as well, he moved way too comfortably to have it been the first time he was kissing Aaron.

"Is that him?"

Screwing his eyes shut, he tried to defend himself. "Julian-"

But I didn't care because he was lying to me, we were friends way too long for him to try and lie about something so obvious. "You kiss boys every time you're drunk?" And it hurt, knowing that he didn't trust me even when he was the one who broke my trust consistently.

"I-I'm not, its not like that." But it was and it was okay, he was conflicted and it was fine to feel that way but the way he was dismissing it left a bitter taste in my mouth along with a slight pinch of relief, he was more upset with himself than he was with me. That didnt make me feel much better but the way he was stuttering made me loosen my judgmental tone.

"It's okay."

He was overwhelmed then, his eyes on his hands as they sat in his lap and I hadn't seen him that vulnerable since he'd found out about his father's second family. "...I-I don't-" His phone buzzing repeatedly had shocked him into silence and he went to grab it, interrupting the ringing by putting it on silent.

There was more than enough tension in the air and I tried my best not to ignite the anger in him, tried my best to keep things from getting hostile but the way he was looking at me then, I couldn't help but address the elephant in the room. "Calum, you kissed me. You know it, I know it." With a shake of my head, I thought about my own acceptance of liking men, it was odd and it was so new that it terrified me but it was apart of who I was now.

And the first time Paul had confronted me about my sexuality in public was weighing on me, the speech he'd given, the compassion in his voice... I had to have some of that compassion now because no one had it for Calum, no one. "I know its hard to accept, I know it is but you're never going to be happy hiding yourself."

"I'm not h-hiding myself-"

I knew it would provoke him. "What do you call it then?" And I watched him explode.

"Huh?" He was confused and my voice was raising now, I had to get some kind of answer, some reaction, this wasn't all for nothing.

It started with a tremor, "What the hell do you call it because kissing boys and being straight doesn't fit in the same fucking category!" It was weird, since taking control of my life and becoming more secure in myself, it was easier to stand up for myself and Calum didn't expect it. I had always been a pushover, I had always been the little puppy the t would trail behind him with everything he did but now, I was in front of him and I was confronting him.

And I wasn't backing down.

Calum letting out a shaky breath but I kept persisting, he wasn't gonna let me in if I didn't force my way. "I don't know!" That was it, he had stood up at that, yelling back at me and I watched as he covered his eyes, falling back into place instead of advancing on me, I watched as he fought the urge to instantly hit me.

And instead, he rested his head in his hands and his body shook with hitched breathing. We stayed like that for a while.

There wasn't much remorse, and that shocked me, here he was breaking down in front of me, because of me... and I didn't care. I didn't care when he sunk back down onto his bed and laid all the way back, sighing heavily as if the world was on his shoulders because just short of eight months ago, I had to live with that same feeling times ten and I had no one to comfort me.

He must've taken my silence as threatening because he kept talking; if he was trying to explain himself or justify his actions, I didn't know but I did know that I needed to listen.

"O-okay? Is that okay? Is it wrong that I don't fucking know why I do the shit I do?" Sitting up, he was shaking his head, rubbing a hand down his blotchy face and I fought the instant tightening of my heart, his voice was shaky. "And Aaron, he doesn't know either. I-it just happened." He looked like he was in pain, shifting to wipe his nose and breathe in sharply, that was when I watched a few tears dip through his eye bags, cascading down his clear skin. "It keeps happening." He whispered.

I was getting a break through, maybe this conversation would help more than just me. "Why did you do it?"

And he chuckled, silent for a second as he seemed as if he didn't know what to say, then he looked up at the ceiling, blinked a few times and bit his chapped lip. "You had everything figured out." I didn't. "I didn't know anything, Julian and I was scared and I know that's not a good reason but I don't have a good reason." And he met my eyes again, I could see the pain there, his dad had often told him never to cry, crying was weak. He had often told me never to cry. "You were my best friend, I guess, and I just- I thought that if anyone was gonna be there for me, it was you."

"You pushed me away."

And he sent a sad smile, the corners of his lips hesitating to twitch upwards, "I know." He was that scared little boy again, not just the one who made crude jokes, who dumped girls quicker than he did to used condoms, not even the one who had kissed me. He was that Calum that I met at the beach, the one who was deathly afraid of snakes and his father's disapproval, the one who had asked me to hold him. That was the Calum I fell in love with and at the time, I didn't know he wasn't there anymore. I was in love so long that I didn't even notice when he changed.

"I thought... that I loved you, I thought that you loved me." it was time to let it out, I knew,. because listening to him wasn't going to give me all the closure I needed, I needed him to listen to me too. "You kissed me and you lied to me. Y-you let me fall for you andthenyoujust-"

"I'm sorry." He was so sincere, so sincere and he went to move closer before thinking otherwise. "And I mean that, I never meant to hurt you." But that was bullshit because he literally broke my arm, he'd beaten me to a pulp physically after he had already done so emotionally.

"You did though, you broke my fucking heart, Calum." There were nights I cried so hard I could've drowned in my soaked pillow case and I didn't want to yell at him but I would be a fucking fool to not snap at the moment when he was acting like a simple sorry would fix this. I wasn't going to be upset over him again, I couldn't be.

And I knew his natural instincts wouldn't be gone for long as he fired back, "You put me on the spot." That shocked every semi-empathetic bone in my body.

"So you fucking out me?" I was ready to leave, I couldn't believe it.

"Julian-"

Smiling sardonically, I leant back in the chair despite how eager I was to get out of there and I gave him that ice-cold stare he'd been giving mer for eight months. "And Aaron? Is he your boyfriend?" he stayed silent and I knew from the way he hesitated that he didn't know that himself so I continued, "do you love him?" What? I didn't know why I asked because the answer would be completely irrelevant, what Aaron was to him was someone I didn't even want to be. But did he love him? Did he? And if he did why couldn't it be me? What was so wrong with me?

"No." And that didn't make me feel any better, "do you-?"

Love Paul? Hell yes. "Yes."

My answer must've shocked him because he got quiet again and I tapped my fingers uncomfortably, picking at the rips in my jeans. I didn't know what was running through his mind and I didn't care, maybe I expected a violent or condescending reaction, that seemed to be the trend. He didn't react at all, he simply looked down, bit his lip and then, "I didn't lie to you."

"What?" About what? There's a lot you lied about.

"You heard me." His voice was strong and he flicked those blue pools into my vision, staring me down and his face void of emotion except the anticipation of what I said next. "I hurt you, I lied to myself, but I didn't lie to you." And he lost his composure towards the end, voice a bit shaky and right corner of his lip quirking up. "I meant it, J, I always have."

We were at that shitty party, Calum's lids were half-closed and he smelled like he had French kissed the bar. His shirt had been half unbuttoned and his blond hair tousled that way it was when he woke up, his face was flushed and pupils dilated. he'd been experimenting with drugs recently but I knew that he wasn't high, only drunk with that little slur on his words. I'd had one beer, I was fairly sober and I was responsible for finding Calum's football friend who was now our ride.

But Calum had been bulking to try out for tight end, later he'd become the quarterback but as of that moment, he only had moderate popularity. He was bigger than before and harder to carry, so when he'd fallen over on the way down the stair, I simply rerouted back up and locked us in some room on the second floor. And he had laid down, me beside him, he'd gotten into this weird habit of spooning me and of course, with the crush I had been developing, I let him. That somehow turned into him sobbing about his dad, crying about how often he disappointed him and at some point, he looked at me and just stopped talking.

Stopped moving, stopped breathing, just stared at me.

And he kissed me.

"I love you."

"No you don't." He was still staring at me and I wasn't aware when I had started to tear up but I just couldn't stop now.

And he stuttered, probably not expecting it, "I-I'm, I'm," licking his lips, he sucked in a small short breath, "I'm in love with you."

No.

I was picking up my keys then, shoving them into my pocket alongside my phone and standing. I had to get the hell out of there. "J-"

My hands fumbled when he spoke, I nearly jumped out of my skin, hearing him stand and feeling his body so close to mine. Turning around, I felt our bodies too close for comfort and his hand was on my wrist, eyes boring into mine. Sucking in a breath, I watched him look down at my lips before back at my eyes.

And he leaned in, that was when I shook my head, pulling back so quickly my head was spinning, I didn't even want to be that close to him, not since I met Paul. And I hadn't even told my boyfriend I was here, suddenly it felt so wrong and I went to turn. I felt gross, so disgusting and being around him even more would lead to me shutting down, I wasn't going to have him see me like that again. "Bye, Calum."

"Can you just listen to me?" But I was almost out the door when he'd rushed over, closing it and standing in front of it with a sorrowful look on his face. "Y-y-you love me, I-I love you. We can- we can be together, Icantellmymom, Jules, I can do it right this time-"

"No."

I was crying then, his breath catching and then he stepped back. And it was silent for a second.

He was touching my face now, trying to get closer, his hand on my cheek and pulling me forward. He was speaking soft now, voice breaking in between his words and tears were freely falling down his face. I could feel myself starting to panic. "... I'm in love-"

The way he was touching me made my chest hurt, eyes bleary and I was yanking back quickly. Shoving at his chest, I tried to breathe, tried not to shake when he'd moved closer.

And he was trying to make me look at him,

I didn't want to hear it and I hadn't expected to snap either but my voice left before I could close my mouth and I was yelling. "No, you're not!" He flinched but I didn't stop and I created distance between us, backing up into his room again and nearly back at the same place we'd been standing before, I shouldn't have came here, it was a huge backtrack. "You don't jump the people you love, you don't almost kill them, y-you don't make them think th-th-that there's s-something wrong with them over and over and over again."

I had felt so hurt for so long and I really thought I was over it but when he was right here trying to lie, everything felt new again and I wanted to rub my skin raw to get the feeling of being close to him off of me. He only brought back a hole in my chest that was healed, he wouldn't stop picking at an old wound. Breathe. "And you don't get to sit here in front of me and tell me thatyou, that you love me? That you're in love with me, not when all you've done is made my life hell!" Hugging my own body, I tried to comfort myself, I was strong enough for this, my body was shaking though. "Y-you don't get to do that."

He probably hadn't expected me to stand up for myself, I mean, I never did. There was a look on his face and he looked so sad, so like the guy I saw in the mirror when he'd first rejected me. "I'm sorry."

"Jade's fifteen!" That was something I didn't think I'd need to remind him of.

"Jules."

"She's my little sister and you slept with her..."

"...you told me you loved me and then you had sex with my little sister. And then you tortured me, you were cruel..."

"I don't think you meant to be. But I can't forgive you for it yet."

"I need to go." I could feel my entire body shutting down at that, I was exhausted and I needed to cry, it felt like a chore to breathe at that moment.

My therapist's words were running through my head, about being in control of the way my body reacted to things. my hands were gripping the sides of my arms and I flexed them a bit to stop from trembling. "I don't know what you want me to do, Julian." Me either. "I-I like him but, I just, I can't get you out of my head. I think about you all the time, even when I don't want to."

And he had tears in his eyes as well, I couldn't even watch him cry, my eyes had met my shoes and I breathed through my mouth to try and calm down and not freak out over the fact that I couldn't breathe through my nose. My body was running hot and my throat dry.

I didn't have any advice but I was sure his mother heard us at some point, did his mom know? "Tell your... dad you're gay." He didn't even try to fight it. "A-and with Aaron," swallowing thickly, I tried to speak through my labored breaths, "if you don't wanna be with him, tell him. G-get it o- get it off your ch-chest and don't hurt him the way that you hurt me." He was looking at me like he was concerned but he didn't move to help at all and I was kind of thankful. At that, his phone rang and he looked past me onto the bed where it was buzzing. "Answer it."

"J-"

Shaking my head, I concentrated on walking and I had passed him, stopping to open the door, "No." Turning around, I smiled and I felt so small but strong at the same time, leaning a bit on the frame. "Answer it." I didn't think he still had the power to make me feel like a fucking ant.

He smiled sadly before doing as told and I stuck around was he picked at his comforter, looking down with a shaky smile. "Aaron." And he laughed, genuinely. "Yeah, I'm okay, y-yeah, my mom called me." Aaron seemed like he cared and that made me a little happy, just as it did Calum. He was looking around with a cheesy grin on his face that he tried to trap with his bottom lip in between his teeth."Yeah, sorry, don't worry about me, I'm fine." eyes snapping to me, he hesitated. "Everything's okay."

And softly he spoke, I wasn't sure which one of us he meant but I concluded both and I returned his smile. "I miss you too."

: : :

After the -very confronting- talk with Calum, it left me more confused than anything. What did I expect to come from this conversation? I mean, yeah, he apologized and I knew where he stood on the spectrum a little but it also opened the window up for more questions... he'd said he loved me. I sat in my car for about twenty minutes after that, trying to calm down from the encounter and I drove home carefully, kind of expecting my boyfriend to be there but also knowing he wasn't.

The first thing I did, however, was call him. And he answered on the second ring.

His first words weren't for me, I could tell, they were slightly muffled and way too professional for it to be between us. "Excuse me, I have to take this. Ri why don't you tell them more about the paint quality?" And the way he was talking, I grimaced, I had forgotten that he was selling a collaborative piece today to some insanely wealthy buyers. "Jules, I'm in the middle of a sell..."

And I felt bad, taking his time. "I'm sorry." I'd talk to him later, it wasn't a big deal, I had handled it myself. "N-nevermind."

"Baby." He spoke and it kind of sounded like a question, I hadn't even noticed that my voice was a bit shaky. I had been laying down for about ten minutes and I deterred my own panic attack but maybe my body hadn't finished going through the motions. "Babe, you okay?"

When I didn't respond, he asked another question and I realized that I was holding my breath. "Julian, what happened?"

The concern in his voice made me feel awful, like I was wasting his time and I tried to fight off a breakdown. I needed to cry sometimes, sure, but I wasn't going to be a victim to another attack, I hadn't had one in weeks. Today would not be the day, even if it was difficult. "I just- I need you right now, Paul." I barely even stuttered, even if my words took a bit long to come out, I could control my own body and that felt like a win to me.

But Paul went silent for a bit, sighing and I knew this wasn't what he wanted to do but being my boyfriend, he was ready to forget about what was important to him. "O-okay. Um, I'm only an hour away, Rilee can finish up and I can-"

I wasn't getting in the way of him making an ass of money, "No, I just, i just need to talk to you." He was already there and he sounded so happy when he told me about the sale and I couldn't take that away from him, he wouldn't call me to come home in the middle of a game unless it was an emergency and I owed him the same respect.

His voice sounded a little relieved although he tried to hide it. "Okay, what's up?"

How was I gonna tell him that the guy that came before him told me he loved me and tried to kiss me? "I-I talked to Calum today." And even if he would be mad, I knew he'd try to understand why first before getting jealous or yelling.

"You did what?"

I could sense him losing a little bit of patience with me and I knew it was wearing thin, this was Andy all over again and I couldn't let it happen. I didn't intend on hiding it, I just knew that I had to do it on my own. It was just the fact that Calum consistently hurt me and Paul put himself in the place to protect me. "Paul."

"We didn't even talk about it, Jules." his voice was unreadable but it made me feel a little bad because he wouldn't have tried to talk me out of it if we did talk beforehand, I knew it, he would have been understanding as usual.

"I needed closure."

"You went alone." In hindsight, I saw why that could've been a problem, especially how I wished I had someone to help me calm down after. I mean, Calum had beat me up a few times and even if we were better, he could've hurt me. "And what if he hurt you?"

I'd been alone with him for years though, I knew where we were at the moment, he would control himself and I knew how to push his buttons and how to avoid them, plus, his mother was there. He wouldn't have fought in front of his mom. "He wouldn't have." He could've.

"He has."

"Well, he didn't, Paul. Not physically."

He softened at that and I could picture him letting down his angry facade and pulling me towards him, my breathing shook a bit and my heart had constricted, me going to wipe my face."You're crying-"

And I was but really, we'd been together so long, he should've been used to it. "I cry over everything." Laughing in order to soften the impact of what I had just said, I laid back on my bed and tried to understand that he couldn't be there right then but my heart wanted him right by my side, I had to get used to coping on my own because he could be there now but what about three months from now? "Really, just, finish wh-what you're doing and come home, okay?"

"I don't like leaving you like this." I think that was what helped me calm down the most, his voice was so soft and he cared so much, I was so deeply in love with this man.

Everything would be okay. "I'm okay."

"Where are you?"

That confused me, where else would I be? Did he think I was still at Calum's? Did he not trust me? "In my room?"

But, of course, that wasn't what he was talking about. "Get under a blanket, alright? Okay? Is your dad home?" This was Paul, my sweet, trusting boyfriend who didn't accuse me of anything despite how it might've seemed.

"No, he's at work." Paul sighed again. "J-Jade's here, I'm okay, Paul."

I could tell he wasn't entirely convinced but he let it go with a quick, "Promise?"

"I promise." and I wanted to tell him I loved him but doing that would put him in an awkward position so I settled for a "good luck."

"Thank you, baby."

I couldn't hold it in. "I love you." He had to know that, I could tell that this conversation wasn't the easiest for him and I wanted him to know that despite talking to Calum, I wasn't going to be stupid and give up the best thing that had even happened to me, not now.

And he laughed breathlessly, his voice cracking a bit and it was emotional for him, his gasp was a even a bit shaky.

It was quiet, we were both just content and I wanted to hold my breath just to hear everything he had to say, his breathing made me calm and I was sitting in my room, under my blanket and sketching bamboo, a tactic he had taught me in order to calm my anxiety.

I was laying there when he said it, it was faint and I had to strain to make sure I heard it right but it made my heart race just thinking about it being true.

"I love you too."

A/N:

so, that happened, both of their confessions have been spontaneous, maybe I have a thing for random declarations of love.

anyways, don't hate me but this is long overdue and this might be the end, depending on whether or not I write a sequel... which I really want to do, normally, sequels are boring but I feel like I could actually write this one and have it be intersection, I don't know.

Are we up for a college boy story?

Updated: Monday, May 14, 2018.