Opaque

Rin Matsuoka

Free! Iwatobi Swim Club

The satisfying feeling of the board against his hand sent a thrill of relief through Rin, as he watched the final swimmer of the relay dive into the water. He ripped off his swimming cap and goggles, his damp red hair being released from the constraint of the black swimming cap.

Rin breathed heavily, his chest heaving with each breath. He felt like he'd just swum more than just fifty metres, with just how out of breath he was. He'd given this swim his all, and it wasn't even the regional tournament yet. And even still, he wasn't swimming anywhere near his best time, and was completely unsatisfied with his performance.

Rin cursed under his breath, frustrated. It took a fair amount of effort to pull himself out of the pool, his muscles putting up a surprising protest. He shouldn't feel this way. He'd swum longer distances, and had swum the fifty metres many a time and found himself to be alright afterward... so why was he struggling now?

"Matsuoka-senpai!" Rin didn't need to look over his shoulder to know who the speaker was: he'd heard the familiar call so many times before. Instead, he walked over to where he'd discarded his Samezuka swim team jacket and drink bottle.

"Your swim was amazing, Matsuoka-senpai!" Nitori said, as Rin chugged down the water he found himself so desperately needing. Something just have caught the grey-haired boy's attention for he paused. "What's wrong?" he asked, his initial tone of admiration gone from his voice.

"Nothing's wrong," Rin quipped back instantly. Not wanting to have to put up with Nitori, or anyone else, for that matter, he grabbed his jacket and turned abruptly and walked out of the pool to the change rooms, even though practice was nowhere near finished yet. He didn't care if Mikoshiba, their captain, confronted him later. Right now, all he knew was that he couldn't put up with anyone else, and he couldn't swim.

The change rooms were, blessedly, empty. Rin threw his jacket and drink bottle aside, and made his way to the shower. He cranked the water up, not caring about the temperature, and braced his hands against the shower wall, allowing the hot water to cascade down his bare back.

Rin didn't understand why he couldn't swim the way he wanted to; why he could hardly swim at all. It had been like this ever since the prefectural tournament, when he'd watch Haru, Makoto, Nagisa and that other guy swim that relay together.

Until that point, all Rin had been fixated on was besting Nanase Haruka in a race. Haru was an exceptional swimmer, and yet he didn't even try: all Haru wanted to do was feel the water. He didn't even care about his times and he didn't swim to win; he just swan to be in the water, to feel it.

Rin, on the other hand, swam to win and become an Olympic swimmer. He had been swimming for that reason ever since he'd been in elementary school, and ever since his dad had drowned in that typhoon. Rin knew that as a child, his dad's dream had been to become an Olympic swimmer as well, but gave that dream up when he'd married and fathered his first child: Rin, and later on his year-younger sister, Gou.

Ever since then, Rin had been training hard to achieve the dream his father couldn't, attending every swim meet, running to build stamina and power in his legs. He'd even gone to Australia, and trained in one of the best swimming schools.

But that had all been in vain, since he hadn't been able to swim the way he wanted there, always taking last place in his races. His confidence had been shaken and, when he returned to visit his family in Japan, he couldn't beat Haru even then.

He'd done everything that Haru hadn't, and yet Haru still beat him.

Ever since his first swim against Nanase Haruka, Rin had considered him to be the block before him reaching the Olympics. Even though they swum that relay together along with Tachibana Makoto and Hazuki Nagisa in sixth grade of elementary school, Haru had been a close rival. If he could best Haru, the person he hadn't ever been able to beat despite all his hard work and training, his path to the Olympics would be open and he could defeat any swimmer.

And he had. Finally, after five years, Rin had bested Haru in the prefectural tournament. The satisfaction and triumph he felt then had been unprecedented; he had finally defeated his rival. He'd hurdled over the block in his path to the Olympics, to his father's dream.

But then he'd watched the relay.

And then, all thoughts of satisfaction had vanished as he watched all his former teammates swim in that relay again. And he'd watched them, really watched them, for the first time since returning to Japan. Their swim strokes hadn't changed at all since their relay in sixth grade.

And then, all he could think about was that relay: the way he'd pestered Haru to join, the way Nagisa had been so enthusiastic, and Makoto just ready to swim. They'd practiced together, encouraged one another, helped each other out. And when it came to the relay itself, the thing Rin remembered most, other than the euphoria of achieving victory, was the way it felt to swim, his teammates ready and cheering on the side, Haru ready to dive in and swim the final leg of the relay. He remembered what it was like to have everyone waiting on the other side, proud of him and encouraging him whether he'd kept first or come last. And then, when Haru had secured their victory, there'd been the excitement as they celebrated together, as a team. 

A team.

The four of them had been a team.

And now, their team had been separated, and it was all his doing. If he hadn't pushed them away when he returned to Japan, if he hadn't blamed them, blamed Haru, for the block in his swimming, they wouldn't be apart; they'd still be that same team, and they'd be swimming this relay together. For when it came to the new guy's turn to swim butterfly, his stroke, Rin couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling that it should have been him that was swimming that leg of the relay. He should've been the one swimming with those other three, his teammates, not that new guy.

After having watching that relay, Rin didn't even feel satisfaction about besting Haru. That victory felt meaningless now, and Rin was confused as to why he'd craved it in the first place. Rather, he just felt... empty. Like there was something he was missing, and he couldn't figure out just what it was.

But deep down, he knew he knew.

He just warned to swim with Makoto, Nagisa, and Haru again. He wanted to swim in a relay with them, his friends, the best teammates he could ask for.

"Damn it!" Rin grit his teeth and harshly jerked the tap, turning it off. At once, the steaming water vanished, leaving Rin to realise just how hot that water had been.

He breathed heavily, turbulent thoughts of the relay, his past teammates, swirling through his head. He couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand this regret, he couldn't stand not being able to swim.

I need a place to go, to be alone, to try and collect my thoughts. I need the previous drive in my swim.

But where could he go? No one else on the Samezuka team understood his previous relationship with the swimmers at Iwatobi. They'd judge him, surely, and tell him these thoughts were all nonsense, and he should focus on his swimming, on swimming for the team, for the relay.

So where? 

After some thought, his eyes opened.

There was a place he could go.

*          *          * 

The sun's time in the sky was over, and now the moon had risen to take its place. The land, which had previously been bathed in a golden light, was now only illuminated with the silvery glow of the moon. There were more shadows than before, and it was easier to stumble over the ground as low-lying obstacles were hidden if you did not keep a keen eye on the uneven floor.

The waves crashed along the shore in the distance, a far-off, lonely sound. Though Rin sometimes would have glanced over at the ocean view, today, he only had his eyed for one thing so small and insignificant in size in comparison: a small, stone grave, with dark writing almost impossible to make out in the dim light. But Rin knew what was written there well, since he had visited this place meant a time before.

This was his father's grave.

Rin clenched his fist and pressed it against the monument. "Hey, Dad," he murmured. "I wish you were here. I'm at a loss with... with what I should do with my swimming." Rin paused, closing his eyes. "I want to swim... for Haru, for Makoto, and for Nagisa. But I can't. I can't swim the way I want to. How can I say I'm swimming for them, when I'm not able to swim my usual style at all, and when my time continues to drop?

"I'd swim with them, if I could, but it's too late now. I'm in the Samezuka relay, and the one hundred metre free... I can't back out now, can I? That's why I'm swimming the relay... so I might get to swim with them, should we make it to the final. But with the way I'm swimming, so many could overtake me, even the first years. I don't know how i should be going about this. If you were here, you'd know what I'd need to do, right? You'd point me in the right direction. I don't know how to overcome this barrier by myself, but no one else would understand."

Rin hesitated before continuing. "What if you hadn't died? Would I still have wanted this Olympic dream? Would I have transferred to Iwatobi, or would I have remained at Sano Elementary with Sousuke, just swimming my way? Would I have wanted to swim at all?" The idea of life without swimming terrifed Rin for a second. For such a large part of his life, swimming had dominated. To imagine filling all that time training and competing with another task was a daunting, almost bewildering prospect.

Rin breathed out, his speech finished. His eyes reopened, and were keenly trained on the environment around him, hoping that, by some miracle, he'd hear his dad's voice from beyond the grave.

For a moment, he thought he had heard something, a ghostly whisper. But, he realised, there was nothing: the ghostly whisper he'd heard was the soft wind blowing through the trees, making the leaves rustle.

Rin sighed, knowing that there was nothing more he could achieve from this visit. With one last glance at his father's grave, Rin turned his back and began to make the journey to Samezuka again.

As he did so, one lonesome thought crossed Rin's mind.

For the team... the words he had once said as a child.

But for which team was he really swimming for?

His goal, his reason for swimming, it used to be as clear as the water itself on a clear day.

And now... 

Everything had become opaque. 

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so i have the headcanon that rin would talk to his dad whenever he has problems with his swimming, and this little one shot has been in my mind for a while now but just haven't got around to writing it. but then i found out about fanficfriday, so i thought, why the hell not? it's not like i've got anything to lose. this didn't exactly come out the way i envisioned it, but oh well. i don't exactly have high hopes >.< hope you enjoyed, and good luck to all others entering!