I have always been a chaos...

I'm late when I shouldn't...

I'm early when I don't need...

I don't heave the right clothes for my body type...

I have always been a chaos...

I don't know how to be lovey dove... if it's not natural

I don't know how to match people's expectations...

I'll be what I can be...

I have always been a chaos...

I'll not mistreat people if they haven't mistreated me...

I'll ask permission to be completely honest...

but I'll bring as positive words as I can... if I can

I have good friends and a supportive family in their way...

I don't complain about what could've been,

what could've happened, or what they could've done...

I understand when I am the one waiting, 

when I'm the one to be the third wheel, 

or the one left behind...

It's okay... people come and go. We love them the way we can, 

they love us the way they can...

I don't talk about the way you do things...

you do it because you want

the way you want, 

if you want a suggestion I can give... if I can

 I have lovely people around me...

I had a great emotional control

but

for the first time, in all my life...

being a caos is causing me so much pain.

It hurts so bad...

I look backward, forward

And I can't see that big of an issue in being a chaos...

I've been supportive, and kind.

I've been able to give myself to people...

because I've been in chaos...

Now...

everything feels wrong

every step makes me trip and fall...

You say my chaos hurts you...

You say my chaos is wrong...

You say I need to be better...

You say I need to be different...

What do I say to you?

What did I do to you?

I feel lame...

part of me understands that is to make me grow...

part of me wants to stop it and send it away... 

Part of me believes that it's healthy...

Part of me believes it's toxic...

Better...

Or worse?

And I feel like it's gone...

all the bright in my smile...

all the kindness in my gestures...

all my will to be with you....

and yet... I'm still here...