richie smiled at stan from the passenger seat of his car, his eyes finding and tracing every feature as stan drove, oblivious to the boy next to him.

everything about stan was entirely too perfect.

his dimples, his curls, his smile, the way he had to stand on his tiptoes to kiss richie. despite having been best friends with stan since the moment he sat down next to him at lunch on the first day of fourth grade, he still got the feeling that this was all too good to be true.

they had been inseparable since that fateful lunch, and even more so since that day in the rain.

though neither of them would admit it, either to each other or to themselves, they were absolutely smitten. richie would find himself absentmindedly tracing the knuckle of one of stan's hands while the other wound itself through his curls, and neither of them would have any idea how they would have made it into that position.

they had kissed plenty since that day, and held hands even more, but never any further. never any talk of relationships or feelings or anything of the sort, and it was starting to drive richie crazy.

what was he even supposed to do? was he supposed to be loyal to stan, or was this just one of those friends with kissing benefits type of things?

it was scaring him that he didn't know.

it scared him even more that he knew exactly what he wanted the answer to be.

richie had never been good with commitment. "you can't tie down someone as handsome and charming as me," he would say, and stan would roll his eyes while the rest of the losers ignored him entirely.

he'd ended his last few relationships solely because of his inability to stay loyal. he would cheat, feel guilty, and then take the easy way out.

with stan, though, there was no one who could compare. he wouldn't so much as spare a glance for anyone else when stan was in sight. perfect, gorgeous stan, too motherly and cynical and smart for someone like richie.

stan glanced over at richie, one hand tapping absentmindedly against the wheel in time to the music. "something wrong?"

richie shook his head, feeling the heat rush to his face. "just admiring the view," he teased, and stan rolled his eyes.

"keep staring and i'll kick you out of the car."

"ooh, stanthony, i'm so scared."

stan ignored him, returning his gaze to the road. richie let out a soft breath of relief.

stan kept richie sane. no one had ever loved him so much or cared so deeply, and it kept him grounded - but it terrified him. he was only seventeen, and there was no way he could have found the one so early in his life.

that meant that at some point, he would lose stan.

he didn't want to lose him. not at all. but it was inevitable, was it not?

he didn't want to get hurt. he was scared of how fast and how hard he had fallen for his best friend and he was scared of losing it. the only way to protect himself, to protect stan, was to break it off. like he always did. this time, though, it wouldn't be out of guilt. it would be out of fear.

somehow, some way, that made it so much worse.

richie could feel the tears brimming in his eyes. "stan," he whispered, keeping his gaze away from the boy. "we need to talk."

"hmm?" stan hummed, keeping his eyes on the road.

he took a deep breath, turning to watch the landscape fly by so as to avoid stan's line of sight. "i don't think this is going to work."

the car slowed, a yellow stoplight blinking ahead of them. "what?"

"us, stan. i don't think this will work."

the sharp intake of breath coming from the driver seat tugged on richie's heartstrings.

"what the fuck, richie."

"you heard me, staniel. we're better sticking to just friends, okay?" richie tried to play it off and make the whole thing seem like a joke. he didn't want stan to be upset with him.

stan rolled through the stoplight and pulled over. richie could feel his gaze on the back of his neck.

"don't fucking call me that, tozier."

he winced. he knew he must have struck a nerve for stan to be this upset. he only ever called him tozier when he was pissed, or when they were goofing off, and they sure as hell weren't goofing off.

"fuck you, tozier. get out of my car."

richie opened the door slowly, the regret hitting him in waves almost immediately. "stan-"

"get. out. of. my. car."

he bit his lip and nodded, still not looking at the other boy. "i'm sorry," he whispered, his voice too quiet for even stan to hear. "i love you."

he turned and watched the car drive off. he watched stan grit his teeth through the rearview mirror. he watched as stan wiped his eyes. he watched stan getting smaller and smaller as he sped away, leaving the only man he had ever loved behind in the dust.

richie walked home forlornly, tears falling regularly from his face and landing in the dirt path beneath his feet.

fuck, he would need a drink tonight.