notes: my version of murmurous- 's story of reader annoying dos. hers is god tier btw go read it!!

you stared at the door curiously, head tilted. fyodor walked into the bedroom two weeks ago and you were somewhat confused. was he eating? was he alive? was he—you couldn't think of anything else. "is he dead?"

"probably not," nikolai responded, turning the page in his comic book with a wide grin.

"you have a hazmat suit?" nikolai looked at you before leaning over and grabbing a suit from behind the sofa. "why do you—actually i don't think i want an answer, you're promoted!"

"thank you, but you're not my boss! i appreciate it though!" he called after you as you suited up and kicked the door open to the bedroom. now, it wasn't that you thought fyodor was a disgusting sewage rat, but that is what you all called him behind his back. "hey fucker, stop downloading porn the wifi sucks as it is!"

fyodor didn't look up. "my downloading shouldn't affect your uploading."

you kissed your teeth, sitting beside him on his chair. "what are you doing, anyway? trying to find out how to be a decent person?"

"im trying to find a dog shelter so i can finally put you away."

"that's a weak response."

"that was a weak insult." you unplugged the router. "weren't you complaining about wifi?"

"just remembered i have data." you grinned at his brow twitch as he tried to grab the router out of your hand. "no, no. a toothpick and a slight breeze can snap you in two and you've got the posture of quasimodo; how about you go out for a walk? maybe go to nepal? maybe find your soul in the mountains somewhere?"

fyodor stared at you for an uncomfortably long time. "remind me again why i need you around?"

"i have no clue. have fun without wi-fi!" you gave him a hug, revelling in the stiffening of his muscles and the clench of his jaw as he tried not to kill you right then and there.

now, it wasn't that nikolai and sigma didn't support what you were doing, it was just they had a few fears. mainly, when will the straw break the camel's back and do they need to be around to spectate?

"fedya, darling, i bought you a gift," you purred, holding a box behind your back.

"thank you, go put it over there." he pointed towards the bin, grimacing at the saccharine nickname.

"how rude! here i am being genuinely nice and generous, spending my own money to buy you a thoughtful gift like the wonderful human i am and you won't even look at it?" you shoved the box in his face and he grimaced again.

"why does it smell like that?"

"open it and find out!" your grin widened. you watched him weigh out the pros and cons.

"i will but first explain to me what twisted ideal compelled you to box and wrap up manure?"

"oh, no ideal, boss! just pure spite!" you dumped the contents onto his paperwork, running away and hiding behind nikolai. fyodor didn't move. he didn't even react to the stench. he just remained calm, collected and quiet.

"i see," he said with a calm, chilling smile. you frowned. that wasn't a fun reaction.

"oh, dear [name], you're positively fucked!" nikolai laughed as sigma just stared, petrified.

the next few days were quiet. fyodor didn't react to you, it was as though you didn't exist, and your antics no longer had any effect on him. you were going through your mail, not really paying much attention until you noticed mass lumps of cash gone from your bank account. cars, expensive houses and clothes were bought in your name, using your information. "what is this? what the fuck?"

sigma looked over your shoulder. "this seems like a classic case of identity theft. your information must have been leaked."

"i'm in debt, sig! what am i supposed to do?! i can't afford bread!"

"oh my, how tragic," fyodor spoke dryly, a lazy grin on his face.

"did you do this?!" you asked.

fyodor shrugged. "must have been the manure." and with that, he closed the door.

"well, one could say that was a shit ending!" nikolai laughed and you glared at him. "what? i'm trying!"

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identity theft ain't no joke kids. if ur friend steals ur identity keep that person around they might be useful but also gain some blackmail on them so ure on an even platform