notes: cheating! dazai, toys, knifeplay, blood kink, slight bondage, bottom! dazai, orgasm denial, begging, really unhealthy relationships. chuuya's the only good person in this

you weren't a fool, you knew what dazai was doing. he was aware of your feelings for him, and he was using it to his advantage. but all of that was future you's problem, right now you were too intoxicated by his touch to care. his lips felt too good on your skin, the way your name fell so gracefully from his lips. ah, he was toying with you.

"osamu," you gasped into his hair, pulling him closer to you, grasping for any genuine warmth from him. he groaned softly, whispering your name sweetly against your breasts as he pressed the head of his member against your entrance.

his touch was deceptively sweet. "ah, you're so gorgeous," he mumbled against your jaw, the intimacy making you mewl with delight. his hand delicately stroked your cheek as you arched up against him.

"kiss—ah—" you sobbed, fingers twisting in the sheets, "p-please—" he chuckled, peppering your face with kisses before tugging on your swollen lips with his teeth. you moaned, closing your eyes and orgasming. he picked up the pace, chasing his own climax before pulling out, cumming on your stomach. you panted, trying to catch your breath as dazai kissed your cheek affectionately. "i love you."

"so cute," he murmured sleepily as you stroked his hair out of his eyes. he wasn't in love. his feelings for you were coldly indifferent and you knew that. this wasn't love, this was a perverse rendition of it.

you pulled the covers over the two you, kissing down his jaw as he laughed lowly. you pushed the thoughts out of your mind, enjoying the lazy bliss post-sex.

you were lonely, you supposed, that's why you stuck with him through this charade. that's why you let him have his way, you were too scared he might leave if you made the wrong move. that's why even when he came home with marks on his skin that you didn't make, you pretended not to notice. dazai patched up everything with sweet, empty words and you willingly fell for them, desperately trying to keep this blissful bubble of yours intact. you were predictable to him and he was getting bored.

from the outside, the two of you looked like affectionate lovers, cute and infatuated, but you wouldn't put such a label on your relationship. your coworker, chuuya, was the only one who knew better. "he's only dating you because you're mafia. you're going to end up hurt, you know."

you gave him a tired smile, sitting on his desk. "that's a problem for future me." he was concerned for you, but for now, you were happy believing dazai's falsities, so you disregarded your friend's worry.

you went home that day to see dazai with another woman. you weren't surprised, but that didn't mean you weren't hurt. he wasn't even trying to hide it anymore. he ignored you but you knew he knew you were there before you cleared your throat. the woman quickly stopped, covering her breasts as dazai looked up from her. "it seems like i'm interrupting." the woman seemed confused before shock filled her. it seemed she only just understood your relationship. you gave them a smile. "excuse me, then."

the woman quickly got up. "no, i'm sorry! excuse me!" she quickly got dressed and scurried out. you could see why dazai picked her, she was cute.

you looked at dazai expectantly. waiting for him to start spewing his saccharine lies. "at least she has more dignity than you do," you said, heading into the kitchen.

"she has more dignity than both of us." you laughed in agreement bitterly. he wrapped his hands around your waist and you felt about a year's worth of rage bubbling in your throat.

"don't fucking touch me," you hissed, pointing the knife at his throat. he let go as you pushed him away. "how fucking stupid do you think i am? you think i don't—" you stopped yourself, turning back around and steadying yourself. dazai watched on, an assuring smile on his lips while apathy danced in his eyes.

"let's not be unreasonable, [name], you know i only—"

"how about we drop the act it's getting boring." you slammed down the knife in annoyance, stalking up to him. you prayed he would mistake the hurt for rage. you pushed him down onto the sofa aggressively. his nonchalant smile made you feel worse. he didn't care at all. you shook your head in disbelief, scoffing as you turned away.

"what can i do to make things better?" he sounded desperate, he sounded hurt, but you knew he wasn't. he was a prolific actor. "i'm sorry."

"no you're not."

"i'm being genuine," he said with a laugh, "how can i prove that to you?" you didn't dignify him with a response as you continued to chop up the vegetables, making a curry.  "i can get on my knees if that would help," dazai suggested jokingly.

"the fact you have the audacity to joke—" he moved to kneel in front of you, hands resting on your feet, his grin still on his lips.

"you're still smiling. was i just a pastime to you?"

"[name], i—" unthinkingly, you kicked him in the face. he stopped talking, the force turning his head to the side.

"don't," you seethed. tears stung in your eyes but you knew better than to let them spill. he looked back up at you and you forced his head down against the tile with your foot, pinning it there. "don't fucking look at me!"

dazai didn't speak again and he didn't sit up when you moved your foot to tilt his chin up. he gave you a smile. "ah, the wrath of a mafia executive," he murmured.

"you haven't seen anything yet," you growled, grabbing the knife. his eyes followed you carefully as you sat on his lap, laughing at his half-hard erection. you dragged the knife across his cheek, down his jaw and to his throat, finding his jugular. "this entire relationship i kid myself into thinking you were genuine. i knew you weren't, but just once, i wanted you to tell me the truth."

"i haven't lied to—" you dug the knife into the skin just ever so slightly.

"you really shouldn't play this game right now." you tugged his hair roughly, forcing his head back painfully and he winced. "i'll coax out a genuine apology from you, i'm sure," you purred darkly, tugging off his bandages.

"sounds fun!" he chirped, only to gasp when you sliced down his neck. it wasn't deep enough to cause any harm, just enough to make him bleed. you kissed him roughly, swallowing up any complaints as you tied his hands behind his back. "i can get out of these you know."

"then do it," you said indifferently, kissing him again as you trailed the blade down his chest. dazai moaned into your lips, too clean for it to be genuine. you bit down harshly onto his lip, breaking the skin. you licked over the puncture in an attempt to soothe it before moving away, marking his jaw and neck with hickeys. your blade did away with the bandages, slicing them despite his muted protests. "what? want me to stop?" you rubbed your knee against his erection through his jeans. he moaned again. you picked up one of the slashed bandages, tying it around his eyes before pulling his trousers down, grinding against his boxers.

"f-fuck, [name]," he gasped as you dragged the blade down there, careful not to hurt him.

"you like this shit? fucking gross."

"you like it too, don't you?" he asked, lips pulling into a smirk.

you leaned close into his ear. "osamu," you purred seductively, "don't make me mad when i have a knife to your dick." you dragged the tip to the head before moving away, licking the member sweetly. he gasped as you took him into your mouth, sucking and kissing him lewdly. he moaned your name and cursed bucking into your mouth. you stopped and pulled away, making the man growl.

you stood up dragging him with you to the bedroom and pushing him to lie down on the bed. dazai's shirt was bunched up at his elbows and unbuttoned, the scars across his body were visible, saliva was dripping from his chin and his dick was drooling with precum. he wasn't enough of a mess yet. "you look frustrated, darling. what's wrong?" you kissed his adam's apple sweetly, pulling out the box of toys from under the bed. "do you want to cum?"

"please," he gasped, too crisp to be sincere.

"then apologise."

he stopped for a moment. "i'm sorry." you clicked your tongue.

"still not genuine." you picked up a bright red vibrator and some lube. you wrapped up his erection with the stray bandages, ensuring he wouldn't cum as you hummed, pouring a generous amount of lube onto the toy. you pressed it against his entrance, turning it on. he panted breathily as you pushed it in, surprised at how easily it slipped in.

dazai let out a sudden wail, thrashing against the sheets. you hummed, moving the vibe away, watching the reaction lessen, before pushing it back again. his back arched up from the bed as he pushed his ass against the toy. you laughed, making sure it was secure before letting go. you watched him jerk and moan uncontrollably, gasping. you grabbed a couple of bullet vibrators, taping them against his sensitive nipples before securing him to the bedpost. "well, i'm going to go have dinner and take a bath," you said, yawning for effect.

"what—[name], wait—"

"i think my show's gonna start soon, too." you grinned as you made your way to the door. "i'll know if you don't behave!" your voice had a cheery uptake as you closed the door, finishing off your cooking.

you came back to the room a couple hours later, having eaten, taken a bath and watching some tv, and you saw dazai still strapped to the bed, moaning at the toys. he was exactly as you left him, his dick straining and red, begging to be let free. "my, my, what a pretty picture," you crooned, closing the door behind you. there were tearstains on his cheeks.

"[name]—please, i—" he was cut off by another loud moan. you chuckled, stroking his stomach with your nails, getting on his dick. you undid the ties, but he didn't really seem to notice.

"you what, darling?" you began bouncing on him and he cried out, squirming under you.

"i'm sorry! i'm sorry, i'm sorry! please just—just let me cum!" he begged, sobbing. you kissed away a couple of stray tears with an affection you couldn't quite suppress, feeling yourself close to the edge.

"do you think you deserve to cum?"

"please, please—i'm sorry, fuck—[name] please—"

"cum for me, osamu." you pulled of his blindfold, watching his eyes widen and roll back as he came, almost passing out from the intensity. you moved off him, turning off the vibrators. dazai gasped, trying to catch his breath as you stroked his hair soothingly. despite all of that, somehow you didn't hate him. you were disgusted at yourself for still having feelings for such a man. you weren't sure if he was going to change at all, and you weren't sure what you were going to do with yourself anymore.

you scoffed at yourself, wiping away tears that finally fell. "[name]," dazai called quietly, his voice raspy and tired. you didn't look at him as you turned to face the wall, pulling the covers up. "i really am sorry." he wrapped his arms around you, resting his head on your back. you couldn't tell if he was telling the truth so you were foolish enough to let yourself believe he was, squeezing his hand as you fell asleep.

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this is a mistake like my life 🤙🤙