notes: suicidal thoughts, general angst.

you let out a quiet sigh, running a hand through your lover's hair, your touches light enough to not wake him. your lips let out a stuttered breath as your chest heaved. you weren't sure what was happening or why, but your chest hurt, your eyes were stinging with tears and you wanted to die. your throat felt like it was closing up as you buried your face in dazai's shirt, screwing your eyes shut, begging your mind to be still for one god damn second so you could hope to get some sleep tonight.

the night time was always filled with interesting moments for you and your lover. it always brought you two together for moments of emotional intimacy, but not like this, god, you didn't want him to see you like this.

"what's wrong, [name]?" he asked softly, a hand rubbing your back soothingly. you tensed, hearing his gentle concern. you didn't want him to seen you like this. you opened your mouth to respond, but only a choked sob came out. dazai pulled you closer, his grip tightening around you. your thoughts were so chaotic they were actually giving you a headache and you didn't know what to do, oh god what do you do?

another pained cry left your lips and you hoped to muffle it with your lover's shirt, but that didn't work. what were you doing here? you didn't belong in the agency, you weren't morally sound enough, you weren't clean enough—you taint everything you touch. dazai doesn't actually love you and if he did, he definitely won't after seeing you in your true, pathetic state. "dazai," you cried out, your body shaking with another sob.

"i'm here, my love, you're okay." his hand continued rubbing your back as he murmured the words into your scalp, any sleepiness gone. gasps wracked your lungs as you tried to steady your breathing but you couldn't. you gripped at your head, scratching and scratching in hopes for some relief from the pain and pressure building— "no, don't do that," he whispered, coaxing your hands away from your head as he sat up, pulling you up, but you quickly moved away from him. you didn't want him to see you or to be tainted by your abhorrence.

"i'm sorry, i didn't mean to—fuck, what is wrong with me?" you hissed, lowering your head into your palms. your body shook as you wailed. "what is wrong with me?" your chest tightened. he was staring at you with such a look, like you were some wounded animal and he didn't know how to save you.

"there's nothing wrong with you." dazai reached out to touch you, but you recoiled, scoffing, through your tears.

"look at me! there must be something wrong with me! i'm the only person i know who can be with someone they love and still be crying for no reason and wanting to die, why can't i be happy?" you didn't mean to lash out at him, and when you realised, your breath fell short. "sorry, i—didn't mean to."

"it's fine. come here," dazai held his arms out to you and you hesitantly crawled into his embrace, "there's nothing wrong with you. everyone feels like that from time to time, it gets better." you scoffed. "i'm serious, you know."

"not for me."

"my, i wasn't aware you were an oracle?" his surprised statement earned a snort from you. "you'll find it one day, your happiness, i mean, and when you do i'll be there to say i told you so." dazai places a tender kiss on your forehead, wiping away your tears. "if one thing's certain, dear [name], i love you, please don't doubt that." you looked up at him. somehow, his words made you feel a lot better.

"you swear?"

"i swear." he gave you a gentle kiss, before pulling away. "now, what do you think about waffles and strawberries?"

"at three in the morning?"

he tilted his head. "is there something wrong with that?" you laughed, shaking your head, aware he was simply trying to make you feel better.

"i'd rather the blueberries, please." he saluted you before clambering off the bed.

"you're going to need to help me because i don't actually know how to use a waffle iron!"

→♢←

kinda a vent lmao.