UnemployedBrendon

I sighed as I slid my bag off my shoulder and onto the desk by my apartment's door. Looking around at the room, I gathered what comfort I could from the familiarity of my surroundings — the off-white walls, the bookself of which half the contents were for show, the long white curtains in the back hung over the sliding glass door that led to a balcony on the other end, the beige couch that sat in the middle of it all with far more notable signs of wear from its more common usage, and who could forget the flatscreen TV mounted on the wall right in front of the couch (a little too far left, actually, but not badly enough that you'd ever bring it up in conversation). Yep, this was home. A welcome contrast to the dull, cramped cubicles at work.

I didn't really feel like binging a show or starting a book, and the frigid autumn air outside struck lounging on the balcony from even being an option, so I just headed straight to my left and pulled open my bedroom door.

Having my blinds closed, it was too dark to see very far into the space, but I had memorized the layout well enough by now to find my bedside table and turn on the lamp. When I flipped the switch, however, I flinched, as I was met with the shock of something unfamiliar.

There was a face on my lamp.

A face. On my lamp.

And it was looking at me. Smiling at me. What the actual hell.

"You're a jumpy one, aren'tcha?"

And it talked, too. I must have passed out on my way in here.

"You're not unconscious, silly! I would know, I know alllllllll about sleeping! More specifically, dreeeeams." It held out the word 'dreams,' trying to make the concept sound fun and mysterious. This intent was entirely lost on me, however, because even if I thought dreams were really that interesting, THERE WAS A TALKING LAMP IN MY BEDROOM!!! Not to mention, I'm pretty sure I didn't say any of that out loud. "Watcha lookin' at me like that for?" I wanted to say something, but what on earth was I supposed to say to this thing?! 'Greetings, lamp person. I am unfamiliar with your kind, and your presence in my bedroom is baffling. Please give an explanation for your existence.' "Yeah, that'd be pretty weird." "STOP DOING THAT!" "Doing what?" I took a second to compose myself, apparently more shocked by my snapping than the lamp was. "Stop... reading my thoughts! Or whatever! It's really weird and uncomfortable!" It gives a big cartoony laugh. "I can't read thoughts! I'm just guessing what you're thinking!" "That's an obvious lie." "Well assuming I can, why don'tcha want me to? There something you don't want me readin'?" "Wh- no!" "Like how you think I'm cuuuuuteee...?" Its smile gets somehow more cheeky. "I- huh???" "Yeah, I'd bet that thought would be more subconscious, but I can tell it's in there!" He'd been wrong about that one, that's for sure. The only thoughts in my mind were those of confusion and panic at this inanimate object being.. animated. ...right?

Well even if the thoughts weren't there before, they were certainly starting to form now. Its curved body was littered with stars, its thick lips beckoned to be met with my own. Wait, what am I saying?! This is literally a lamp.

"Hey, don't be so quick to dismiss your feelings, I'm not your average table light! Come closer!" It suddenly sprouted legs and leveled its face with mine. Despite myself, I obeyed, and stopped about a foot away from my guest.

I found my face flushed red once I met its gaze, not realizing its eyes would have the capacity for such an intense stare. We just stayed like that for a while, but my eyes got bored of staying in one spot and started to wonder. It was just randomly around my room at first, trying to distract myself from how awkward and embarrassed I was feeling, but then I found my focus shifting across its face, taking in the intricacies of its features. Its surface, an equivalent for skin I suppose, was a deep shade of blue, its stars a pleasant yellow, and its switch and lips a bright red. Its shade was a lighter blue with beautiful white clouds all around, and its black pupils stared at me through half-lidded orbs.

By time I discovered I had spaced out and begun to reign myself back in, I was already leaning closer, and I noticed its mouth was pulled into a smirk. "You're not half bad yourself." I pulled away in embarrassment, but it delicately grabbed my hands with one of its own and my cheek with its other, and slowly pulled me close again. "'Its thick lips beckoned to be met with my own,' huh? Well whadd'ya say we follow my lips' instructions?" I looked down for a second, this was crazy, but I couldn't deny how warm and comfortable I felt in this moment, with this lamp. I looked up in its eyes and smiled, leaning closer, and it following suit.

Then we shared a tender kiss.

Its lips were harder than those of a conventional kissing partner, but they were also soft, and they knew what they were doing.

When we pulled away I couldn't get the giddy smile off my face, I was just so overwhelmed with joy. It chuckled at my reaction, clearly enjoying the moment as well.

"Oh, by the way, it's 'he,' and the name's Larry."

"O-oh, Larry, he, noted."

"You?"

"Hm?"

"What's your name?"

"Oh, ah, Y/N."

"Y/N, I like that a lot. Now, into bed, N/N, I can tell you're tired, I'll shut myself off."

Part of me wanted to argue, to stay awake just a bit longer, especially since I didn't know if he'd still be there when I woke up, but I really was exhausted and I didn't have it in me to argue, so I kicked off my shoes and climbed under the covers, melting into the mattress.

"Sweet dreams, love. Here's to me being in the next one."

And one that's more crack-y:

I kick open my door and slam mah bag on te grond. Work was stupid and im mad. I look at the pianting on the wall of Danny Devito making out with Donald Trump, and I'm struck by the beautiful depiction of such a pure love. It calms me.

Other than that this room is boring tho so I waddle into my bedroom, but its rly dark so I cant see the other Danny Devito painting I have above my bed, so I take off my shoe and throw it at the lamp to turn it on.

"OW!!!1!" I look at the lamp and see the sexiest face I ever sawed. "Woah!!! Ur hot!!!!!!!!!!" it smiles at me "You too bb let's kiss" "yisss!!!!!"

I run over and kissed the lamp

I try to lift it up to deepen the kiss, but acidentely unplugg iy!!!!!!!!!!!! "NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1"

I cry as I place it in my bed an put the covers over it's body. Then a single tear lands on it's head. And it comes back to life!!

And then we gotted married and that's how I met your mother :)))))))))))