MIA

One could try and run from change, ignoring it, pushing in deep down. But change was inevitable and sooner or later, it would catch up, forcing one to adapt or die.

Mia felt this change in the form of nervousness, sweating and heart palpitations. Her mind was scattered, running wild with questions. There was no sadness, no anger, just confusion. This time, she knew it was denial playing its dirty trick again. Or maybe saving her from dying of all the emotions.

Jeff wasn't home. He left no messages, he didn't answer his phone. Mia was partly glad, because she knew she was not ready for that conversation. There was no conversation in the world she was ready for, but she desperately needed a distraction, and TV was proving to be a bad one.

Is any one of you available for coffee right now?

She sent the message to the WhatsApp group with her friends, nervously waiting for a response. The only message she really wanted to send was the one with Xander on the receiving end, but she was sober enough to know it was a bad idea. She wanted to scream at him, she wanted to ask him why in the world did he kiss her.

But the answer to that question was simple enough. He wanted to. And so did she. Mia's phone buzzed, it was Sam.

I'm dropping Milo off at my parents' house, I can be at Henrietta's in 10.

Mia was actually hoping it would be someone other than Samantha, there was no way she could explain her nightly escapades to her. But Mia couldn't be alone anymore, so Sam would do. She grabbed a wallet, a hoodie and rushed down the stairs of her building.

The day was gloomy and windy, just like Mia's mind. As she waited for her friend, she stared at the hydrangea bushes in the vintage garden of the beautiful café. Everyone spoke of change as something beautiful, exciting, life changing. But no one ever said how hard it was to go through the process. How hard it was to admit general unhappiness. Perhaps that was the reason why people stayed in crappy relationships. Suffering was easier than admitting you were wrong, admitting that you chose the situation you were in, and finally, admitting your own responsibility when refusing to change that same situation.

If Mia was having a crappy day, Sam's day was worse. She arrived in record time, her short hair messy and her blue eyes red. Chaos seeped off her and strangely enough, she looked like Mia felt.

"Uh, I ordered coffee but we can just as easily do shots." Mia suggested, wondering whether this entire thing was turning her into an alcoholic.

"Yeah, you can hand me some cyanide while we're at it." Sam dropped her rucksack onto the white chair and dropped herself just as carelessly.

"No cyanide, but there's vodka, which is close." Mia examined the menu. Sam's brittle laugh was strong enough to shake the hydrangea bushes, which flowers were so in contrast to Sam's gloomy mood.

"Mike's cheating on me, I went through his phone." Sam leaned onto the table, resting her head in her hands. "That's what I get for snooping."

A wave of sadness washed over Mia, especially when she remembered what Sam used to be like. The bravest in the group, the one that wanted to try everything, nothing ever stopped her. Disintegrated to the insecure, broken woman that now sat in front of Mia.

"I'm so sorry, Sammy." Mia murmured, unsure what else to say.

"I should've left it alone; I shouldn't have searched his phone. Living in denial would be much easier than facing the fact I screwed up my entire life in one night." She said those words quickly, they poured out of her mouth like they were competing.

Mia wanted to comfort her friend, but she didn't know the right words, so she just sat and listened, forgetting about her own problems for a moment.

"I was happy when Milo was born, you know? I really, truly was. But I can't help but think about what my life would be like if I never had him." Tears trickled down her cheeks and Mia nodded, trying to let her friend know she would receive no judgement. "That makes me a terrible person and an even worse mother."

"No, it doesn't. You could never be a terrible person or a terrible mother. You're human, and it's in our genes to second-guess our choices." That was something Mia could definitely confirm, the frequency of second-guessing yourself.

"It's in our genes to make mistakes, too, it doesn't make them less mistakes." Sam murmured as the waitress brought her camomile tea.

"Do you think you made a mistake?" Mia asked and she knew the answer as soon as Sam sighed.

"Fantasies of where I would've been now are swirling through my head. Everything I missed out on, college, parties, journeys..." Sam gulped down a sob. "I can't help myself."

"Sammy," Mia smiled gently, "you didn't miss out on anything. Alright, maybe college, but you can always go back to that. Look at us, none of us are exactly partying or travelling, we're basically just complaining how we have no idea what to do with our lives. And yes, you had Milo young and I know you didn't know how to handle it, but you're doing a great job. And just think about this, when Milo turns ten, you're gonna be thirty two! You're gonna be done with having a little child that needs your care constantly and you're still going to be young, think about it!" Mia managed to get a smile out of her stressed friend.

"You might be right about that. I mean, all of you are going to have little kids. Not only is Milo going to be older, but my parents are young enough to take care of him." Sam shrugged and Mia smiled at her friend's wondering eyes.

"You're a good mother, Sam. Don't ever doubt yourself." Mia said. "What are you going to do about Mike?"

"Confront him? Forget about it all? Leave him? I don't know." Sam's expression turned sad again and Mia regretted asking her about it.

"Can I just ask something tricky?" Mia waited for a nod. "Did you see it coming?"

"Not this soon." Sam sighed. "I mean, we fight all the fucking time. Last thing we agreed on was that the weather has gotten colder."

"Do you want to leave him?" Mia asked.

"I don't want to leave Milo without a dad." Sam went through her hair with her hand. "Mike is a good father, he really is. Much better father than husband, certainly."

"He could still be a good father without being your husband, you know?" Mia said gently, hoping it didn't seem like she was pushing her opinions.

"Could he, though? He wouldn't see Milo as often as he does now, they wouldn't live in the same house... and in all honesty, I don't wanna do this alone." Sam's vulnerable expression was so refreshingly sincere.

"I'm sorry, Sam." Mia repeated, knowing that whatever she said now would only push her friend away. This was a decision she needed to make on her own. None of them knew what it was like to have a child except for Sam.

"I'm sorry for flipping out when you were talking about Jeff. I was caught up in my own drama and I didn't hear you." Sam apologized, surprising Mia.

"Don't... you're deciding whether you want to divorce the father of your child. In comparison, my drama is... kinda dumb." Mia struggled for words. She didn't think she should tell Sam that she kissed Xander. It just didn't seem fair.

"You know," Sam began, "I just wish Mike talked to me. I wish he told me how he felt. Maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't have come to this."

"I get it, Sam, you're not subtle." Mia laughed out loud and surprisingly, Sam joined her.

"I'm just saying that you owe Jeff a chance to try to fix it. Maybe he fails, maybe it was never something that could've been fixed. But I think he deserves a chance before you write him off without any explanation." Sam smiled gently and Mia nodded.

"You're right. I've been battling my demons without telling him anything about it. The least he deserves is knowing what's going on." Mia nodded again; her expression must have been apparent because Sam smiled knowingly.

"Did you cheat on him?" She asked quietly, but her voice was free of judgement. She sounded weirdly at peace. Mia swallowed a lump in her throat.

"I kissed Xander."

"What did you feel?"

"Everything," Mia let out a laugh, "I didn't think it was possible to feel all of the emotions at once."

"And what do you feel now?" Sam smiled.

"Just confusion."

"Choosing your partner, the one person you want to spend this life with..." Sam bit her lip, her face tense. "It's the most important decision you're going to make. Because if you choose wrong, you're just wasting your time." She swallowed.

"Whom is this advice for? Me or you?" Mia smiled.

"I guess we can both learn from each other."