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We squared off at one another from across the table, his eyes boring into me and me staring at him. "But what would you know?" he continued walking around the table, the silver buttons on his blue military coat glinting in the candle light.

"I know more than you think Jonathan." My older brother looked at me from the side and turns to gaze at me straight on, "You know, you aren't the little brother I left last spring are you? You've grown older."

It was my turn to glare, "Darn right I have. Amazing what a year without an older brother and no father will do to you." I started to swear but Jonathan cut me off.

"Don't swear David, swearing is a sin." Jonathan scolded.

"I don't care! Darn you, darn father, and darn this whole war for making a mess of everything. I am the head of the house now till you come back!" I was close to yelling. "Where is father?" Jonathan looked puzzled and I knew news hadn't gotten around to him. Taking a deep breath and my scowl began to soften, "Father went to New Haven to supply the store further and never came home..."

Jonathan ran his hand through his light locks and he walked to look sadly outside at the sunny day, "So is he dead?"

I shrug "We don't know; mother is hopeful that he will come home tomorrow, and the next day, then the day after that. I expect the worst."

The weight of the memory crashed over me. Jonathan strode over to me and clapped a strong hand on my shoulder trying to show support. He towers over me in physical age, his 20 years to my 13, and height. In mental age we are twins but we both grew older for different reasons. His was war, watching corpses being left to bleed into the dirt under his boots. Mine was inheriting a farm and store at the age of 13, having to provide for my mother who was too optimistic for her own good. I was dead sick of it; I wanted to let my feelings out but now this was talk man to man, and men don't cry in public.

I felt myself shaking and as much as I tried it wouldn't seem to stop, instead it got worse and Jonathan noticed, "Go ahead David, it is okay to cry. This hasn't been easy on you." But I would not be swayed, he had no idea what I had been through. There was something else he didn't know and I wasn't meaning to tell him; mother wasn't just too optimistic, she was losing her mind. You could tell in her eyes and face that something was lost, maybe she has come to terms with the possible truth too.

"No Jonathan, I will be fine." I shrugged off his hand and moved to watch the flaring fire flickering in the stone hearth, "I have been fine till now and will continue to be." Jonathan nodded and his eyes looked at the ground.

"I should come home I suppose,get out of the war to help aid you and mother." He was dead serious and I knew it, but once again my judgement spat words out of my mouth, "NO! I couldn't take the weight of watching you come desert, come home, and never be able to be seen again by those coming into the store. Please go fight."

"It is my responsibility to take care of you two because I am the eldest child. I also don't know when the reenlistment is, it could be months David. Who knows what will happen between now and then." He countered and paced back and forth causing the shadow of his brooding figure to dance across the brick.

"You could be hanged if you desert."

"I know the risks David!" Jonathan raised his voice and silenced me. We stood looking at each other once again our eyes were boring into each other. The silence broke with my small voice, "You would surely drive mother mad or kill her completely if you were lynched Jonathan. We do need you but not at the cost of your life."

Jonathan looked down at me with a stone face and after a minute passed he spoke, "Good night David. I will leave for camp before daybreak." He leaves up the stairs, and I knew, for the first time, I had won this battle in the war.