There was this one Saturday right before the lake trip, when Casey, Elody and I were hanging out in the mall's food court. I had wanted to get a big pretzel in between stores. they had been buying new swim suits before certain sizes were gone, but I needed a break from the constant "does this look good" questions for the past three hours. I wasn't much for shopping. I didn't find it fun because no matter what I tried on, it wasn't gonna look like it did on them and we all knew it. Clothes shopping always made me uneasy. It was different when I was five and all knees and elbows. 

Most of the time I wore Noah's old board shorts and a swim shirt. If I was in the water, I was typically surfing and wasn't worried about looking cute. I think that was honestly the start of my dissent, all those early mornings of just me and the guys and our boards. Elody and Casey would never be caught actually swimming in the ocean. They would wade out till their knees were underwater but never any further.

Elody was staring at her reflection in her phone, trying to decide if she needed new sunglasses, since she had liked the heart shaped ones Casey had just bought, even though she'd said they were ugly five minutes prior. "I don't know Case, these are pretty dinghy. They are four years old."

"What's so bad about that?" I self-consciously resituated my five year-old sunglasses on my head. They were large, white plastic frames, but they still looked new. 

"Nothing, Hilly. She's just looking for a reason to go back," Casey said, popping a stick of gum in her mouth. I shrugged then, taking another bite of pretzel. 

"I'm going to go buy a pair. Anyone coming with me?" Elody said, grabbing her purse off the back of her chair. 

"The cute cashier said his brake was in a few minutes, so I'm staying here," Casey said. 

"I'm a little pooped, plus I don't think I'm allowed in the store with my pretzel," I told her. 

"It's okay if you want to hangout with the cute cashier, Hilly. You don't have to lie to us," Elody teased. 

"Oh please. Hilly only has eyes for Grayson. Everyone knows that, except Grayson of course," Casey said tearing off a tiny bite. 

"Shut up," I said. I could feel the  tips of my ears begin to burn. I hated that everyone knew I'd had a crush on Grayson for most of my life. It was embarrassing to dedicate that much of your life to daydreaming and filling pink fur covered diaries with hearts and your first name and his last. 

The cute cashier walked up not too long after Elody left. He was cuter up close I realized. From where I had been standing by the manakins out of the way of the check out line, he seemed too perfect with his chiseled jaw that seemed almost square and his hair quaffed with too much hairspray it looked fake. That was typically Casey's type though. She liked people that were always put together, something she had developed from her mom who wouldn't come downstairs in the morning till her make up was done and her hair curled. I liked imperfections. I felt like I could fit with someone who had flaws too. Maybe that's why I never tried to tell Grayson my feelings. He had no flaws, which often confused me as to why I liked him anyway. 

More up close I could see a small scar on his chin and his bottom teeth were turned slightly. It made me feel more comfortable sitting at a table with him. "You waited," he said to Casey, sitting down. The plastic name tag on his shirt said his name was Charles. I decided he looked like a Charles too.

"We had a date," she said as if that were obvious. She smiled then, before going back to eating her salad, Charles checking her out. I was always jealous of how she could get boys to wrap themselves willingly around her pinky finger. "This is Hilly, by the way." Charles seemed to notice me for the first time, like I'd snuck up on them from behind.

I suddenly felt very out in the open, with my mouth full of pretzel and cheese dip on my fingers. I quickly wiped my hand on my napkin and reached out to shake his, telling him hello through the food in my mouth as I tried to swallow in time.

His handshake was limp and awkward, as if he was embarrassed to be touching me. "Sure," he said, dismissing me. "I thought you were with that other girl in line." 

He looked uncomfortable sitting there across from me, trying his best not to glance in my direction. I could feel the carbs settle like heavy stones in my stomach instantly, wishing I could disappear into nothingness in my seat. Was my presence that much of a hindrance to their fifteen minute date?

Once the shopping trip was over, I dropped the girls off at Casey's so I could finish up on geometry before Noah went to Jenna's. I watched Noah check my work, circling a few things I got wrong in pencil so I could fix it before I turn it in for class. "Man math isn't your thing," he said sliding the paper back over to me. 

"I'm aware. Why else would I be sitting here letting you look at my review sheet?" 

"It's a good thing you're good at history. Yikes."

"Shut up." I scanned the page, noticing I made the same mistake on every problem. I just couldn't seem to master foiling. I hated cumulative finals. 

"You know, we are polar opposites," he said grinning. "Like, you're short. I'm tall."

"I know, moron," I said. "You're lazy. I'm productive."

"Ha. No." He rolled his eyes. "I mean like, I'm hot and you're... you know?" He chucked me in the chin then, in his annoying older brother way, and sauntered off. 

And I realized his comment was the cherry on top of the crappy day I'd had, and it had become so painfully obvious that something had to change. I couldn't take it anymore. The anger at the image of the pudgy girl sitting on the bench in the changing room mirrors as her two best friends came out and asked what she thought of their bathing suits, with their smooth skin, flat stomachs and B cup tops, and how deep down all she really wanted was to be able to be right there with them, posing and marveling at how great their boobs looked in the aquamarine bikinis they bought together to match. That no matter how much they begged the pudgy girl to join in, she couldn't bring herself to pretend. That no matter what, Grayson was never going to pick her over the size two girls standing next to her, and how much she didn't want to chase boys away with her guy like behavior. Her presence was no longer welcome.

***

After my call with Jake, I had bravely asked Grayson to a movie the next day. I guess they had good phone service where ever they were. Noah said I had finally grown some balls when he asked where I was going this afternoon. I glared at him for his choice of wording, but no matter how I looked, I was always going to be his little sister. And he was right. I was a new person, with a new mind set and new clothes. The ugly duckling had finally become a swan.

Unfortunately, Grayson must have misunderstood my invitation, because I am currently standing on Elody's porch with my makeup bag so we can get ready together. I ring the doorbell again and shoot her a text.

I hear Elody's muffled voice moments later. "Mom get the door, please! My nails are wet!"

Mrs. Nguyen comes shuffling up. She gives rushed apologies, unlocking the door. "Oh, Hilly. You look lovely," she says, ushering me inside. "Congratulations. You must be pleased."

"Yes ma'am." I bite my lip. People never know what to say when you lose weight I've come to realize over the past two months, besides strange compliments I never know what to do with. I make my way up-stairs, holding my skirt against my legs. I knock once at her room, loud enough to be heard over Hey Violet's "Guys My Age" blasting from her speakers.

"Come in!" I straighten my skirt, fluff my hair, and walked in. "Hilly, come pick—" She brakes off, her jaw dropping. "What happened to you?"

"I lost fifty pounds," I say, holding my arms out. 

"No kidding. I wouldn't have recognized you," Casey says circling me. "I don't understand. Why did you need to lose weight?"

"Well, because I was over-weight. So, I decided to do something about it, and I feel great in my skin now," I explain, watching her quizzically.

"You don't have to look like Barbie in order to feel good in your skin. You just gotta learn to except yourself," Elody adds, her eyes examining me like I'm a science experiment. 

"Okay. Thanks for the confidence lesson guys, but you are happy for me right?" I sit down on the floor where they had been when I came in, deciding to busy myself by unpacking my cosmetics. 

"Of course, Hilly. We couldn't be happier. We were just trying to help," Casey says, but I still can't help but feel like there's a strangeness to the air, as if I've crossed some sort of line I never knew existed between us. Once they sit back down and notice I have the new naked pallet from Urban Decay, it feels a bit more normal again. 

"When did you get this?" Elody says hearts forming in her eyes. 

"Uh, Jenna kinda took me under her wing this summer. She wanted to show me what kind of stuff to buy and give me lessons on how to apply everything," I say, touching up my highlighter under my eyes and along the bridge of my nose. 

"Who are you?" Elody teases, applying eyeshadow and mascara from my stash.

"You know, we could've done that stuff with you. We tried several times over the years, but you always said you hated the cake-y feel of makeup and would only wear it on special occasions."

"I didn't plan it, trust me. It was kind of a bonding thing for us since she's dating Noah, and we ended up having a lot of fun. I was still gonna go school clothes shopping if y'all wanna go together?" 

"You were gonna go school clothes shopping?" Casey stares at me like we are in Invasion of the Body Snatchers. "You never do that. You hate clothes shopping." 

"Well, I kinda have to since my clothes are a tad big now. I only bought a few things over the summer." 

***

The boys are waiting by the ticket booth when we scramble out of my Bronco. As soon as I see Grayson, my cheeks flush. I straighten up, shoulders back. I am the new and improved Hilly, I remind myself. No more hiding. Elody hugs Tyler like they haven't just spent the whole summer together, and I catch Casey roll her eyes. That's when they finally notice me; double takes and wide eyes, the reaction I've been waiting for my entire life, like I am a girl.

"Larry?" Jake scoops me into a hug, but it's loose like he doesn't know the person he's holding. "You look amazing."

The way he's looking at me makes me have to look away. "Thanks," I say, tucking my newly bleached hair behind my ear.

"You look fantastic," Grayson says, pulling me into him, but I'm still slightly distracted by the awkward exchange with Jake. My heart skips a beat anyway, wrapping my arms around his torso, breathing in his vanilla scented cologne. He has never hugged me like this before. No "bro" hug. He's what kept me going for two months, that he would finally see me. That I would finally be a girl he'd want to kiss. "That dress looks great on you."

"It's new," I say lamely, but it makes him smile anyway.

I tried wearing a dress two years ago. It was one of those few days where I was in the mood to actually wear one without it being a special occasion. It had been raining for weeks, and I wanted to celebrate the sun returning, slipping into my only sun dress and actually trying to do my makeup for once. I felt confident, until Bryce told me I looked interesting and Jake asked why I was wearing lipstick. After that I swore off dresses. I felt as though I had decided to wear a Halloween costume to a Christmas party.

It wasn't exactly the date I had imagined, but Grayson buys me my usual—popcorn with milk duds and a Coke ICEE—and saves me a chair next to him while I'm in the bathroom. He may have felt obligated since I was the one that invited him, but I don't care. He has never paid for my food before or saved me a seat next to him. The night would have been absolutely perfect if Casey wasn't challenging me for Grayson's attention all evening and Jake wasn't staring at me like I was an imposter, but it didn't stop me from enjoying the fact that Grayson was so close I found myself holding my breath during the movie, especially when our hands would graze when we both reached into the popcorn bucket at the same time. I was grateful for the darkness, hiding the burning in my cheeks. 

Once the movie is over, we make our way out to the parking lot, everyone chattering about the awesome one liner at the end of the movie. Bryce tries to talk us into going out to Chilli's but Elody is already begging Tyler to take her home because she's still tired from the trip, and Casey is complaining about how the popcorn upset her stomach. I didn't understand why she kept asking Grayson to pass it to her every five minutes when she knows the movie theater butter messes with her stomach.

"Come on you guys!" Bryce says trying to take Tyler's keys out of his hand, so he can't get in his truck. 

"Bryce, cut it out. I don't have the patience for your crap," Elody says yanking on the door handle. 

"I'm heading out too, man. I wanna be able to wake up to surf in the morning," Grayson says. 

"You guys suck, y'all know that?" Bryce stomps off toward his car at the back of the lot, us shouting bye to him, and him grumpily waving us off. 

"I'm telling y'all he has no party limit," Tyler says, getting into his truck, Casey climbing into the back. 

"Bye, guys," she says, and all that's left is Grayson, Jake and I. 

"This was fun tonight, Hilly. You're in charge of the group plans from now on," Grayson tells me, before giving me another hug and sauntering off to his car. I watch him go, a stupid smile spread across my face. 

"Could I get a ride?" Jake snaps me out of my fantasy state, his pointer finger brushing quickly over my wrist to get my attention. 

"Uh, sure."

He follows behind me, and neither of us says a word the entire ride to his house. I can't figure out what I did wrong. Is he mad? Did I say something during our call last night? Did something happen on the drive back to Seaburrow? Did something happen before the girls and I showed up tonight? 

I glance at him every so often, but he just sits there, staring out the window at the scenery he's seen a million times. "Do you wanna come over and say hi to Noah? He missed you while you were gone," I say breaking the silence.

"Sure. That sounds good," he says seeming to snap out of what ever thought he was trapped in for the whole ride. 

I turn onto my street before parking the truck in the drive. I pull the key out of the ignition, staring at Jake for a moment. "Are you okay?"

"You look really nice tonight. I mean it," he says at the same time. He nods then as if something has been settled and slides out. "But your shoes don't match, Larry."

"Yes they do!" I shout following after him, and we feel normal again. His weird moment over.