It was a little harder to wake up each day that Ishaana knew there was something growing inside her, something that was trying to make a home for itself without asking permission first. She didn't want it, dread settling over her every morning that she woke up and remembered that she was pregnant. Learning that seemed to have aggravated her nausea, and yesterday she had hardly left the sofa all day except to make herself tea and occasionally run to the loo when her stomach tried to catch her out. Pearl had hardly spoken to her, unsure of what she could say, but Melody had been incredible in the four days it had been since the test had glowed with an unwanted pink plus.

April was coming to an end. Ten weeks had passed since Ishaana had first met Casey, when he had stumbled into her at the bar, and she couldn't help but wonder where she would be right now if Melody hadn't got those tickets; if she hadn't been dragged along; if she hadn't said yes when Casey had invited her up to his room. She never would have met him, or Bishop. She never would have slept with him – or Bishop. Those two words seemed to have popped up a lot recently: or Bishop. Each time she imagined the cells invading her uterus, they belonged to Casey.

But they could just as easily be Bishop's. Melody kept reminding her of that. Four weeks was long enough for the signs to show. That thought churned her stomach even more, mixing up the fresh batch of feelings that she couldn't figure out how to deal with on top of every emotion she had felt before a few days ago. Melody had stirred her up, tricking her into realising that there was a soft spot growing where she had never predicted one would appear, one with Bishop's name inked across it.

Part of her hated Casey, an inexplicable need to vent her anger when she couldn't blame anyone but herself. Thousands of what-ifs swarmed her brain, pointlessly wondering how her life had got to this point and how she would pull herself back from the ledge this time. She needed to hate someone, just to let out the rage she felt towards herself, and Casey was a natural target. She only hoped that it was him who had got her pregnant: it would be a lot easier to rid herself of him than someone she liked.

Those feelings would have to fade, she told herself. It was unfair on Bishop for her to like him as anything more than Casey's friend. Especially now.

At eleven o'clock on Monday morning, as she lay in bed staring at the ceiling with one hand over her stomach, unable to believe that there was any kind of life growing inside her, there was a knock on the door. That would be Melody, her human alarm. Today was the day. One of them, at least. Melody was her rock, the only thing keeping her sane when all she really wanted to do was scream at the top of her lungs and tear her hair out, to hit something – or someone – just to let out everything she had pent up for years.

"Come in," she said, rolling onto her side, and Melody pushed open the door. She was dressed and ready with her bag over her shoulder and a comforting smile on her lips.

"Hey," she said. "You're appointment's in thirty minutes, so I thought I'd check you're alive. You're supposed to have a full bladder. At least, I think that's what the woman said when I made the appointment. Probably makes it easier to scan, I don't know. Anyway, I made you tea." She nodded her head away from the door. "In the kitchen. You ok?"

"Considering the circumstances," Ishaana said, "I'm ok. But taking everything into consideration, I've been a lot better." Then she said and pushed back her duvet, dragging herself out of bed. "But I guess I've been a lot worse."

"That's the spirit," Melody said with a soft smile. "You get dressed; I'll put some toast on. Peanut butter?"

Ishaana forced a weak smile onto her lips. The last thing she felt like was smiling, but it was hard not to when Melody had spent four solid days going out of her way to help her friend. She had researched the local women's clinic; she had booked an ultrasound at the hospital at Ishaana's request, and she had been there to comfort her when she had thrown up.

"Thanks, Mel," she said quietly. "You're amazing."

"I'm your friend," Melody said. "Friends help friends. I'm here for you, through thick and thin, Ishy. That's what friends do."

Ishaana pulled on fresh underwear and a pair of jeans, switching her pyjama top for a loose t-shirt. She couldn't be bothered to make an effort with her look, half tempted to have stayed in her pyjamas for the appointment, but she had been in them for all of yesterday, too. It was time to change, to get out of the house, if only to stop herself from going crazy.

"Then I guess Pearl's not my friend," she said, voicing one of the thoughts that had lingered on her mind for days. She hadn't realised how much it would bother her to see the confusion on Pearl's face, to sense the disapproving vibes of discontent that radiated off her. It was almost impossible to be in the same room as her when every topic of conversation felt forced. Melody's face fell, her lips dipping into a saddened frown.

"Pea's just conflicted," she said. "She still loves you, Ishy. She just doesn't understand. I think she just needs some time to figure herself out, and maybe you guys should talk once this is all blown over."

Ishaana let out a long sigh and dropped her head, nodding. "I know, I know," she said, sitting on the end of her bed to pull on her socks and shoes. "I know I'm being pathetic and bitchy and I'm not going to force her to be ok with this, but it just sucks that she's not. I just want her on my side. She's my friend."

"She is on your side," Melody said, and then paused. "She will be. It's gonna be ok, Ishy. We're going to sort all this out, starting today. And I'm going to make toast."

Ishaana stayed on the end of her bed for a moment. Her life seemed to have changed in the blink of an eye. Each time she got comfortable, something had to be shaken up. As soon as she and her father had seen eye to eye again, years after she had rejected his way of life, he had been killed. One moment, she had been watching a film with her little sister and the next, she had answered the door to two sombre policewomen. There had been an accident. Her parents were dead. She tried to forget the details of the horrific crash that had torn her family apart, but that would be impossible.

Her body was numb. Just as she had been two years ago, when she had watched one of the policewomen explain what had happened to Priya, when she had watched the look in her sister's eyes as she had realised that her life had just imploded. She couldn't unsee that look of the most catastrophic devastation; she couldn't unhear the scream that still curdled her blood each time she remembered it. Now, just like then, she was rooted to the spot as though the roles were reversed. It wasn't her parents this time. It was her child.

Except it wasn't. In a week, when she was due to visit the women's clinic for an abortion, life would go back to normal. Shaking her head, she stood and brushed down her top and left her room, padding into the sitting room. Melody was ready and waiting with a plate of warm toast, the perfect amount of peanut butter spread across each of the two slices, and a mug of tea in her other hand.

"Here you go," she said, handing the cup and the plate to Ishaana who took them with a grateful smile and a rush of warmth towards her friend.

"Thanks, Mel. I don't know what I'd do without you," she said, and Melody grinned.

"You'd have to book your own doctor's appointments, for a start," she said. "We need to leave fairly soon. I figured we'd just get an Uber to the hospital, else it'll take forever on the bus and we'd have to have left twenty minutes ago."

"Uber it is," Ishaana said, munching on the toast and trying not to think too much about the days ahead. One day at a time, Melody kept saying, though one minute at a time was even less daunting. She could eat her toast. That would take at least four minutes, four minutes for which she could relax and not overthink the situation at hand.

"Have you spoken to Casey yet?" Melody asked. "When's he back?"

"Yesterday." She looked up. "Want to know how I know that?"

Melody frowned, head tilted to one side. "Well, I'd guess that you asked Casey?"

"Nope." Ishaana shook her head. "Priya texted me last night. She said that Two Degrees are officially back in England and she's hoping they do a tour."

"Oh," Melody said, her voice quiet. "Well, at least they're back. Are you gonna ring him?"

Ishaana nodded. "I just need to eat. I'll ring him on the way. I'll try, anyway." She pursed her lips. "I haven't spoken to him in a fortnight. I haven't seen him for a month. What the fuck am I supposed to say?"

"That you're pregnant," Melody said, "and that you're not keeping it but you thought he should know. Simple. To the point. I know your mind's made up, but he still deserves to know, I think. I'd want to know if I got someone pregnant. Or if I'd got my best friend's fuck buddy pregnant." She gave Ishaana a knowing look, as though searching her soul.

"That's what today's for," Ishaana said, polishing off the first slice. "The woman can tell me how far along I am, right? If she says anything from, like, six to ten weeks, then we're fine. It's Casey's, and I can tell him that and I can get rid of it and this is all over."

"And if she says it's four weeks?"

"Then I tell Casey it might be his, and I tell Bishop it could be his, and I tell them both that it doesn't even matter because I'm not keeping it. Then I will probably wallow in self-pity and regret for a few days, but then I'll have the procedure and we can forget this ever happened." She bit into her second piece of toast and took a swig of tea.

"Sounds like a plan," Melody said with a definitive nod of her head, then she widened her eyes. "Wait, hold on a sec, when did you last have sex? Before you met Casey, I mean?"

Ishaana wrinkled her nose. "Before Christmas," she said. "A few months ago. Don't even try to suggest I could be that far along and not have a clue until now." She shook her head and flattened her hand over her impossibly flat stomach, glancing down at it. "Maybe it was a false positive. It could be nothing."

Melody stayed silent, and Ishaana dropped her shoulders. That was wishful thinking and she knew it without Melody having to point that out. The signs were there, from the most intense food cravings she had ever known to the awful vomiting and persistent nausea, not to mention the very definite positive sign on the test she had taken four days ago. And the second she had taken three days ago. And the two more she had taken yesterday. Just in case. Each had been arrogantly optimistic.

"Let's just do this," she muttered, scoffing the rest of her toast and swallowing half of her tea.

"You don't have to, you know," Melody said. "We can just go straight to the clinic next week. You don't have to get the ultrasound if you don't want to. They'll do one before the abortion anyway."

Ishaana shook her head. "I know. I want to, though. I want to know."

"Whose it is?"

She nodded. "And how long I've been unknowingly living with this thing in me," she said, then she softened. "I sound awful, don't I?"

"No," Melody said. "You sound like someone who has their whole life ahead of them and doesn't want to be saddled with a kid. That's totally understandable."

"I couldn't look after a kid now," she mused. "I can hardly look after myself. That's what Pea doesn't get. She's so wrapped up in the actual abortion bit that she's forgetting the consequences." Finishing her tea, her gaze wandered over to Melody, who looked at her as she listened. "If I don't have an abortion, I have a baby. And I can't have a baby."

"I know," Melody said, her voice soft. "She'll come around. I know she will. This is just Pearl – sometimes it takes her a while to process things, but she'll understand, Ishy. And if she doesn't, then I guess you two will just have to learn how to get along."

"We'll be fine," Ishaana said. "Thanks, Mel. I know I've said that a lot recently and you're gonna be hearing it a lot more, but thank you."

"Any time," Melody said, and she stood. "We need to go."

Ishaana took a deep breath and followed suit, swallowing the knot in her throat. An ultrasound was nothing to fear, but she couldn't help the sickening flurry of nerves that swarmed around her stomach like disturbed wasps.

The hospital was too bright and too busy, reeking of the stench of disinfectant covering death that clung to the back of her throat and almost made her retch in the middle of the hall. Ishaana blindly followed Melody, who seemed to know her way around with ease, leading the way to the maternity wing. Ishaana's eyes lingered on the swollen stomachs of every pregnant woman she saw, ready to break out in a nervous sweat at the mere thought of that being her. It wouldn't be. Not for a long time, if she could help it.

She had tried to ring Casey in the taxi on the way over, as though that was in any way an ideal time, but he hadn't picked up. That had been something of a relief, putting off her bad news until later as though she could ignore the problem. Casey probably wouldn't want to know. Just sex, no strings attached, had become sex with one unavoidable string.

The sonographer greeted her with a smile, instructing her to lie down on the bed beside the machine that Ishaana recognised from films, the one that would transmit the thump of a heartbeat that she couldn't believe existed, that would show her a grainy image of her uterus and whatever was inside it.

"Hi, there. I'm Dr Lane," said the smiling woman. "Make yourself comfortable, Ishaana."

Her pronunciation wasn't great, but Ishaana let that slide as she lay down, her eyes on Melody. Fear paralysed her muscles once she was almost flat, her head propped up on a stiff cushion.

"So, do you know your dates?" the doctor asked. Ishaana shook her head.

"That's why I'm here," she said. "I have no idea. I only found out a few days ago. It could be anything from four to ten weeks." She didn't add that the father was a question mark, one that she wanted to answer without really knowing why it mattered so much. It wouldn't change anything.

"Ok, well, that's not a problem. I can give you an estimate, based on the size of the baby."

"The foetus," Ishaana said, automatically correcting her. The doctor's eyebrows raised before she corrected herself.

"Sorry, yes, the foetus," she said with a stiff smile. "Well, if you could lift up your top, we'll get started ... the jelly will be a little cold."

Ishaana did as she was told, exposing her stomach and trying to relax her muscles. That was hard when her bladder was so full that she felt like she could wet herself any moment, and when she felt bristles in the atmosphere surrounding the doctor, who seemed to have taken a disliking to her already.

The jelly was cold, making her clench her stomach before the doctor rubbed it over her skin with the Doppler, and Ishaana reached out for Melody's hand. Her fingers were warm and comforting, her grip firm, and she smiled down at Ishaana as though she was a proud mother rather than a friend who went above and beyond all other friends.

"Here we go," the doctor said slowly when she found Ishaana's uterus on the screen, squinting at the fuzzy shapes. "Oh, my!"

"What?" Ishaana looked over for the first time, the screen meaning nothing to her when she couldn't tell one shape from another.

"There's the head," the doctor said, pointing at a tiny blob on the screen, "and there's another."

Ishaana's eyebrows shot up, her eyes widening. "What the fuck? It has two heads?"

Melody squeezed her hand and leant closer, her voice as soft as a lullaby. "It's twins," she murmured. Ishaana felt her heart rate rocket, her stomach twisting. The doctor chuckled, rolling the Doppler over her stomach.

"Here's baby one," she said, "and baby two."

Ishaana couldn't bring herself to correct the woman, her heart in her throat as she listened to the sound of two competing heartbeats and squinted at the screen, but she couldn't understand the image she was trying to see. Her grip on Melody's hand tightened, her nails digging into her friend's skin, but Melody didn't even flinch. For what felt like forever, Ishaana couldn't even conjure up a single word.

"How far along is she?" Melody asked, at last voicing the question that mattered, and the two of them waited with bated breath as the woman moved the wand for a better look.

"Well," said the doctor. "It's a little difficult to tell with twins, but based on the size, I'd guess approximately eight weeks."

Melody squeezed Ishaana's hand, and she squeezed back. It was Casey's. They were Casey's.

"How did I not know?" she asked. The question wasn't directed at the doctor in particular, more an expression of what was on her mind. "I've been pregnant for two fucking months and I didn't have a clue. And I was on the pill!"

The doctor pursed her lips with a slightly helpless shrug. "These things happen," she said. "I've seen several patients who have made it right up to their third trimester or even labour before they realised, so ten weeks isn't too bad."

Ishaana placed her hand over her forehead, staring up at the ceiling. "Oh my God," she said, letting out a shaky sigh. She had plans; she knew what she wanted to do. The fact that it was twins shouldn't have changed a thing, but it made her think. It was easy to think of one foetus as nothing more than a bunch of cells, but hearing the word twins made her think of children. That wasn't a thought she wanted to have.

"Here," said the doctor. "I'll print this out for you. With twins, and with one looking a little on the small side right now, I'm going to schedule you in for a twelve week check-up. We might need to keep an eye on you."

"You won't," Ishaana said. She took a handful of tissues from the side to wipe the jelly off her stomach and pull her t-shirt down.

"I'd really recommend it," the doctor said, handing her the print out of the scan that she didn't want to keep, but she stuffed it into her pocket anyway.

"I'm not keeping them," she said as she stood, wishing she was back home in her bed without the doctor's silent but deadly judgment on her. She wasn't one to cry; she hadn't cried for months, but she felt like crying right then and there as the word weighed heavily on her mind. Twins. It was like a knife in her back, an extra burden on her body. "Thanks for all this, but I'm done."

She left before the doctor could say anything else, stalking out of the room as her skin prickled hot and cold and she could feel overdue panic rising in her chest. Melody followed her out, quick feet tapping on the floor, and she pulled her into a tight hug in the middle of the corridor.

"Hey," she said. "Hey, Ishy, it's going to be fine. This doesn't need to change a thing. You're going to be fine, Ishy." She rubbed her back as she spoke, soothing the rising fear that tipped out of Ishaana like a flood as her shoulders began to shake. "We can sort this out. We can talk. I'm right here, Ish. I'm right here. Whatever you need, you tell me and I'll make it happen. If you need some time, that's ok. You're ok. Everything's going to be ok."

The two of them stayed that way for a long time, a full minute passing before Ishaana pulled herself away and dried her eyes. She would have laughed at herself if it wasn't for the agonising twist in her gut and the ache in her eyes, the pounding of her heart and the heaviness of her head.

"Can we just go home?" she asked, and Melody nodded.

"Of course. I'll put the kettle on. We can talk, if you want. Or watch TV. And if you want me to call the clinic or anything, just let me know. I can cancel, or postpone."

Ishaana pressed her lips together and swiped at her eyes, letting out a sigh. "Let's just go home."

The drive back was spent in silence as Ishaana rested her head against the window and watched the city go by with Melody by her side, their hands interlinked across the empty seat between them. She couldn't bear to let go of her friend's fingers, the contact helping to keep her head on her shoulders when she felt as though she might throw up or lose her mind.

The house was almost as quiet, but not quite. Pearl was in the kitchen, humming quietly as she made herself a sandwich, and she looked up with wide eyes when she heard the front door unlock and her housemates returned. Ishaana couldn't bring herself to even say hello. She wasn't mad at Pearl, in no position to lose a friend, but she couldn't bear to even open her mouth. Instead, she headed straight for the sofa and she sat down while Melody put the kettle on.

Pearl sat in the armchair. "Hey," she said, a quiet smile on her lips. A peace-making smile. "You had a scan today, right? How'd it go?"

Ishaana leant back against the sofa and dug her hand into her pocket for the scan that had been scrunched into her jeans ever since it had been printed. She hadn't even looked at it herself, and she wasn't tempted to glance down when she handed it to Pearl, who took it with care. She gasped as soon as she saw the image.

"Oh my God," she said, holding the scan even closer. "It's twins? There's two? Oh my God." Her eyes were as wide as ever, smoothing out the creases with her thumb. A twin herself, she had always been fascinated by the phenomenon, jealous of twins who had spent their whole lives together, unlike her and Oscar. Ishy..."

"You don't have to say anything, Pea," Ishaana said, her voice scratchy. She had spent the past thirty minutes trying not to cry, swallowing the lump in her throat that just kept growing. "I know you don't approve."

"Does this change anything?" Pearl asked. "Is your mind still made up?" She stared at the scan, and Ishaana could see how she was picturing two little babies in her head, humanising the blobs on the scan that she could hardly recognise as any kind of life. "I can't believe it's twins."

"Not for long," Ishaana said, and she reached out for the tea that Melody held out to her.

"What?"

"I'm still having the abortion," she said, though with less conviction than before. Her mind had been made up. The scan was a bad idea, infecting her with even more what-ifs. The only thread she held onto was the fact that she couldn't have a baby. Not yet. She had no money and no job, and a year left of her degree. Two babies was beyond reasonable.

Pearl's face fell, her mouth hanging open a little. "Are you sure?" she asked. "There are other options, Ishy. You don't have to keep them." She looked down at the scan again. "It's twins. You could give them up for adoption, like Ossie and me.

Ishaana's eyes hardened. "And have them get separated and bounce around the care system their whole lives? Do you, of all people, really think that's a good idea, Pearl? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"I'm just saying, you have options," Pearl said, hopelessly. "I don't want you to rush into something and regret it."

"I already regret getting pregnant enough," she snapped. "I don't want to have to regret giving birth; I don't want to regret giving away my children. Look at yourself, Pearl. Look at you and Ossie, and Mel. There are already a shit ton of kids in care. I'm not going to ruin the next seven months of my life and then throw two more children into a system that doesn't care about them." Her blood was boiling, her skin itching, and Pearl was an easy target for her anger. "You hated being in care. You're always saying that. You have no family, you have no home – I'm not going to put anyone through that."

Pearl leant away, her eyebrows pulled together above watering eyes as she failed to say anything in response to the words that had stung. "I'm sorry, Ishy," she said, her words barely more than a whisper. "I was just trying to help."

"Then drive me to the clinic. Wait with me when I have the abortion. But don't you fucking dare tell me to have two children I don't want," she snapped. With that, she stood and left the room, slamming the door behind herself as she stormed to her bedroom and kicked the door shut. Her veins were on fire, her heart pounding impossibly hard and fast, and every emotion from anger to despair erupted with a frustrated cry. She punched her pillow, throwing herself down on the bed and clutching it to her face, muffling the sound of heated voices downstairs.

Seconds became minutes. Minutes stretched out for what felt like hours as Ishaana lay on her front, hugging the pillow to her face. She wished she could stay like that forever, to lie on her bed with nothing to worry about, with no foetuses trying to take over her life, without Pearl trying to control her choices. All she wanted was to drink a cup of tea and have Melody tell her everything would be ok. It would, in the end. She knew it would. But in the midst of it, that was hard to tell. Ever harder would be telling Casey. She only prayed that his paternal instinct was on a par with her maternal feelings.

Half an hour had passed by the time there was a knock on her door, and she looked up from the pillow as though she would be able to see through the wood. When she said nothing, the door slowly creaked open. Pearl stepped into the room, and Ishaana turned away.

"Fuck off," she said, her words mumbled into the pillow.

"I want to talk," Pearl said.

"Well, I don't, so you can fuck off."

"I'm sorry, Ishy. I'm really sorry." Her voice was almost imperceptible, her eyes filled with tears that began to roll down her cheeks, and Ishaana glanced up at her. "I'm so sorry. This is none of my business. And you're my friend. You're so important to me, and I don't want to hurt you but I did, and I'm so sorry. You're right. Of course you're right." She hugged herself, fingers digging into her arms, and she bit her lip when her tears flowed. "This is your decision, and I support you."

Ishaana sat up, wrinkling the duvet she had been lying on, and she stared up at Pearl as she listened to the apology that tugged at her heartstrings. She shifted over a couple of inches, patting the space next to her, and Pearl gingerly stepped across the room before she sat down, and Ishaana pulled her into a hug.

"Thank you," she said quietly, holding Pearl tightly for a moment. "I know you find it hard to agree with me on this and that's ok, but I need it to not come between us as friends, ok?"

"I know," Pearl said, nodding. "It won't. I'm sorry, Ishy."

"Me too," Ishaana said quietly. "I'm sorry I said you have no family."

"It's kind of true," Pearl said, "but it's fine. I have Ossie and I have you guys. That's all the family I need."

Ishaana smiled and let out a long sigh, a million emotions still coursing through her body. It was difficult to pick out just one, but she focused on her love for her friend that shone through her quickly dissipating anger. An apology could undo a lot of damage, it seemed, especially one as sincere as Pearl's.

"Love you, Ishy," Pearl said quietly. "And I do want to help you. I can't drive, else I would drive you to the clinic. And I'm sorry, but I just can't be there when you have it done. I just can't. But if there's anything else, then I'll do it."

"Will you come and watch shitty TV with me this evening?" Ishaana asked, and Pearl laughed and nodded.

"I think I can stretch to that."

+ - + - +

i really didn't think 16 would be up tonight and i resigned myself to three days  of double updates to finish the book by friday, but here's this chapter. i hope you liked it!