Kinsley

Returning to campus is difficult. After visiting the cemetery and being reminded of the accident... regaining my campus rhythm was difficult. Two weeks pass before I feel somewhat normal again.

Noel doesn't help with that.

With first term ending, I thought I wouldn't have to interact with Noel as much. Turns out, that's not the case. This term, he's in three of my classes. As I'm stepping into class on a Friday morning, books in hand and toque on my head, I freeze in the doorway.

Noel's sitting in my spot.

I draw my bottom lip between my teeth, suppressing my frustration. My thoughts are precarious. The classroom is small, adding to the sense of anxiety lingering in my stomach. I'm picky about where I sit. However, sitting beside Noel is the last thing I want.

Because I'm late, I don't make a scene. I sit beside Noel without muttering a hint of frustration—I keep that bottled up.

When class ends, Noel and I don't say a word to each other. Ever since our last outing, we've come to a mutual agreement. A silent mutual agreement. We speak to each other. We're kind and respectful. But, more importantly, we don't ask questions.

Today feels different, though.

I'm not a fan of Noel's silence. Instead of glancing at me or passing me a note in class, he stared at the whiteboard and took notes while listening to our professor drone on during the lecture. His posture was tense. I thought the pen in his hand was going to snap. The half-moons under his eyes were different shades of purple, too. He looked exhausted.

And while I'm annoyed with being associated with Noel, part of me enjoys this. As we exit the classroom, side-by-side and shoulders brushing, I can't prevent myself from feeling the slightest drop of happiness. It's a kernel of golden light in my chest.

Despite my best efforts to not feel this way, I enjoy Noel's presence because he's a familiar face. His leathery, spicy cologne is a familiar smell. His dimples are attributes my mind fantasizes about.

The other half of me despises him. His cocky attitude is nothing far from labelling him a jerk. His impulsive behaviour scares me.

His presence is contradictory.

Noel calms me while also invoking anxiety.

On the day of orientation, my peer advisor warned me classes would become more challenging with each term. She suggested I find a study group. I had scoffed at her suggestion. There's a reason I received a scholarship.

She was right, though.

What I lack is the social aspect of university. Being with Noel makes that easier. Several times, they have assigned us group projects. With his carefree and slightly arrogant vibe added to his popularity, he makes it easy for me. While I fade into the shadows, contributing to group work, Noel will do the talking.

He's a contradiction.

"So," Noel says, holding the door open for me. I step through, tightening my winter jacket around my body. Just like Winnipeg, Calgary's winters are ruthless. "Cole and I are ordering in takeout. We were thinking of watching some movies. Would you be interested in coming over?"

I press my lips together, keeping my gaze focused on the icy sidewalk. Hanging out sounds appealing. Cole and I have become friends. Over the course of the holidays, he texted me a few times. We've also gone out for coffee together on campus a few times. Sometimes, Cole will ask me for information about the accident. I'll give him what I can handle. He realizes that, and never presses for more information. Someone bringing up my trauma on their accord triggers me. However, Cole gives warning. He'll ask me if I want to discuss it.

Although I hate to admit it, discussing the accident has relieved some of the weight resting on my shoulders. Only a little. But at least there's progress being made.

The only time I'm pressed for information is through Tristan. She doesn't like me hanging out with her ex-boyfriend. Several times, she's called me a terrible friend. I couldn't care less. She made her bed. Now she has to sleep in it. Using someone to win over their best friend has consequences. Maybe Tristan will learn from her mistakes.

This newfound friendship with Cole is special.

Even if it terrifies me. Even if connections are dangerous.

It's rare to find someone so understanding. I'd be a fool to push him away.

Glancing at my watch, I note the time. It's almost five o'clock. My lips pull to one side. Despite our disagreements and Tristan claiming I'm a rotten friend, we are hanging out tonight. Mariana is joining us, too. Yesterday, they were discussing visiting a nearby mall. If they decide to, I'll play claim I'm tired. I'd rather walk to Noel and Cole's dorm room than

"Cole's starting early," he continues. "I have a performance until seven, but I'll be there after. We're thinking of ordering Thai food."

For a moment, I ponder my options. I'm over-analyzing everything. It's just an invitation.

With a deep breath, I meet Noel's intimidating brown gaze. "Sure. I'll come around six. Or whenever Tristan and Mariana decide to go shopping."

A line forms between his brows. I try not to focus on how handsome he is. Noel's lips are full and a soft-pink. His eyes are a dark-brown, reminding me of chocolate. Drawing my bottom lips between my teeth, I look away. I'm damning myself. There's been too much of Noel in my mind, and not enough of Aaron.

"Not a fan of shopping?" he asks. "Not that I'm subjecting you to the toxic norms of society. I figured you'd want to hang out with your friends."

I shake my head. I wouldn't call Tristan and Mariana my friends, but Noel doesn't need to know about that. "The roads are icy. Driving makes me nervous. I'm also trying to reserve my money. Textbooks this term were horrifying."

Noel grimaces. "Oof. You've got a point there."

A smile wants to break my neutral expression. His reaction is comical.

To my dismay, it does. "Oh, the woes of university life, eh?" I ask.

Noel looks at me, giving me that stupidly cute crooked smile. He gestures to the guitar case in his hand. "Well, I need to get going. Set up takes at least half-an-hour. I'll see you later?"

"Okay," I nod, adjusting my bag. The way he's looking at me causes my cheeks to heat. I dip my head down. Letting him see my expression would be detrimental. I don't want Noel getting the wrong idea. "I'll see you later."

We split off in different directions. Noel heads for the pub, guitar case in hand and backpack slung over his shoulder. I head for the residential area.

Memories of the first night I heard Noel sing slither into the forefront of my mind. I haven't heard him perform since then. Turning on my heel, I chew on my thumbnail as I stare after him. Noel's an amazing singer. I haven't heard him play any of his self-written songs, but he does some amazing covers. It wouldn't hurt to watch him and order some food at the pub.

In the end, I decide against it. Tristan and Mariana will wait for me. I also can't risk tricking Noel into thinking I'm interested in him. Making the choice to watch him perform could have consequences. If he realizes I voluntarily came to watch him, the wrong message could be sent. Noel and I becoming more than friends can't happen. My heart still belongs to Aaron. It always will.

Sighing, I adjust my backpack, continuing to the residential area. My cheeks, nose, and ears are stinging from the cold air and snow. Agreeing to spend time with Noel and Cole is a stupid idea. However, my mind tries to justify my decision. I hang out with Tristan and Mariana. University students hang out together.

What makes this any different?

* * *

Mariana and Tristan decide to attend the movies. I opt out. As soon as they're gone, I pack a small bag. It comprises a comfy sweater (one that won't fit under my jacket), fuzzy socks, and my water bottle. After that, I head to Noel and Cole's room.

Noel is just opening the door when I round the corner. He's trying to balance his backpack, guitar case, and a brown paper bag of takeout food while opening the door. Things will not go well for him. He'll either drop the food or guitar.

I jog down the hallway, stopping next to him. He glances up, meeting my gaze.

"Hey," he says.

"Hi," I reply. "How did the concert go? Let me take that for you." He hands over the bag of takeout food with no question.

Noel laughs, rolling his eyes. "It wasn't a concert, Kinsley."

I cock an eyebrow. "Then what do you call an event where people are ecstatic about someone standing up on stage whilst playing music and singing?"

He shakes his head, turning his attention to the door. He opens it and steps aside, gesturing for me to enter. I eye Noel carefully as I step past him. He's looking down, his cheeks tinted pink. A rush of satisfaction fills my chest. I've shut down his argumentative side.

Cole is the first thing I see when I step inside. His gaze sweeps across Noel and I, and then things turn strange. Cole looks relaxed in his baby grey sweatpants and white muscle shirt. A cup of steaming tea is in his hands. However, his green eyes are full of an emotion I can't decipher. Something that makes my anxiety return. Did I make a mistake coming here?

When Cole glances at Noel, concern fills his eyes. It strikes me. Why would Cole be worried about Noel? Worry engulfs me for a moment. Did Cole tell Noel about the accident? As soon as the question flitters through my head, I shake it off. No. There's no way. Noel wouldn't be acting normally around me if he knew. No one ever can. They always feel the need to apologize and offer their condolences after finding out about my past.

I watch as Cole flicks his eyes back and forth between the two of us, wracking my brain for any answers. He was not this uncomfortable when I met up with him on Tuesday in the laundry room. My heart sinks a little. Is he realizing how messed up I am? Is that why he's uncomfortable?

Fuck my brain and it's ability to over-analyze everything.

Maybe Cole just feels bad for having to keep a secret from his best friend.

"Hey, mate," he says. "Kinsley, love."

"Hi," I reply. My voice is cautious as fear grips my spine. I'm scared Cole won't want to be friends with me after tonight. Asking him to keep a secret from Noel must hurt, despite the reassurance he provided me.

Cole no longer looks like he's on edge. He does, however, have a tense posture, as if he's waiting for the building to blow up.

Reaching over to the small nightstand between the beds, Cole grabs a couple of DVDs off the top. "We've got The Breakfast Club, She's the Man, and The Dark Knight."

Setting my bag down, I sit on the foot of his bed. "That's an abnormal combination of movies to own and address in the same sentence." A crease forms between my brows. "She's the Man? Isn't that movie kind of girlish for you guys?"

Cole sits up, propping his back against the pillows. "We have a peculiar taste in movies, Noel and I." He holds up The Breakfast Club and points at Noel. "This guy has rubbish taste in movies. I, on the other hand"—he holds up the other movie—"have excellent taste."

I reach out and grab the DVD version of She's the Man. "Who's responsible for this one?"

Over my shoulder, Noel plucks the DVD case from my hand. I glance back at him, watching as he inspects the cover. "Both of us," Noel shrugs. He shoots daggers at Noel. "Which is why Cole calling my taste of movies is bullshit. She's the Man and The Breakfast Club could be placed in the same category."

"Not a chance in hell, mate," Cole snorts.

"The Breakfast Club is by far the best movie ever made. You have all the cliché group members stuck in detention together, talking about their differences and shit. They get to know each other for who they really are, beneath all that fake persona."

Cole rolls his eyes. "Boring and bland, mate."

My mouth curves into a smile. I dip my head down, shaking it. They're cute together. Noel and Cole's bromance is nice to see—even if it hurts a little. Aaron and his friend Lance were as close as Noel and Cole are.

Suppressing the pain, I distract myself by glancing around their dorm room. It has the same layout as mine and Tristan's. A desk, two beds, two small closets. The walls are painted a light grey and the large window above the beds is covered with black curtains. There isn't much of a contrast between Noel and Cole's styles. Both have grey quilts and white sheets. The décor is minimal as well, save for a few photos on the desk.

"And what's so good about some stupid superhero movie?" Noel counters. "It's ridiculous."

"Hey," I input, forcing myself back into reality. "While all other superhero movies may be ridiculous, I like The Dark Knight."

Noel wrinkles his nose. "Why?"

"My favourite movie is 10 Things I Hate About You."

The words leave my mouth before I can stop them. As soon as they do, my heart throbs uncomfortably. Last time I watched, even mentioned my favourite movie was when Aaron was alive. He hated that movie. He thought it was a ridiculous, pointless romance movie. Yet he still watched it with me whenever I wanted to.

"What has that got to do with Batman?" Noel frowns.

Cole chucks a pillow at Noel's head. It aims true to its target. "You daft piece of codswallop. Even I know Heath Ledger is in both. She's a fan of him."

I snap my fingers, keeping my persona in check. I can't let Noel see how upset I am beneath the surface. I can't let him ask me questions. My vulnerable side is begging to show itself. No thanks to the holidays. If I don't continue to act, I'm scared I'll slip. Revealing my past would be detrimental. "Bingo."

Noel groans and falls back onto his bed, throwing an arm over his eyes. "So I guess we're watching some glossy, overrated superhero movie, then?"

Cole does a little fist pump and gets up to put the DVD in the machine. The TV they have is small, but the perfect size for a small dorm room. "Don't know what you're so upset about, McLean. I'm chuffed to bits."

"Well, ain't that just bloody brilliant?" Noel drawls in a fake British accent.

I laugh. Uncontrollably. It's an unfamiliar feeling to me. At first, I'm a little uncomfortable. However, after a few seconds, it fits like an old glove. My body remembers what it's like to laugh. In all honesty, it feels good to laugh until my stomach hurts, until there are tears streaming down my cheeks for a different reason than usual. I didn't realize how much I missed laughing until now.

Wiping away the tears and gasping for breath, I look up at Noel. "Is that the best British accent you can do?" I ask. "Because that was excruciating."

He grins at me and shrugs.

His crooked grin makes my stomach do a funny flip.

"Quite fantastic, eh?" he asks. "I've been practicing since I first met Robinson."

"Which," Cole clarifies, sounding extra British at this moment, "was a long time ago." He shakes his head. "I don't understand why he bothers. His vocabulary is off. British people would never use cowboy language. We are sophisticated creatures."

"That's not true," Noel says. "Just like Canadians aren't necessarily nice."

Cole's staring at me while he says, "Keep telling yourself that, McLean."

I cover my snort with a cough.

At the end of his sentence, Cole winks at me. He also gives me a small smile before turning his attention back to the DVD player. I look away, feeling a faint burn of heat in my cheeks.

His smile is worth a million words. Cole knows me better than anyone else on campus. He knows why my smiles are rare. Why I don't laugh at naïve jokes. His smile tells me he's happy I'm laughing. That I'm showing happiness. Being normal.

My heart twists.

For the first time in years, someone is happy that I'm happy.

But the happiness in my heart doesn't last long. Reality crashes down on me. This happiness... I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to be living my life while they can't. Mom and Dad. Jessa. Mads and Aaron.

In the same breath, though, I realize questioning Cole was pointless. I can trust him. He would never tell Noel. Nor would he treat me any differently just because he knows about my past.

God, who's the contradiction now?

Although guilt still subsides in my gut like toxic sludge, I crawl across the bed and take Cole's spot. He's still fiddling with the DVD player. On the nightstand, next to Cole's side of the bed, are a few books. There's also a candle next to his cup of tea.

Cole is everything a woman could want. A man who reads and respects boundaries. But... But I could never see myself with him. If I were to allow myself to build a relationship with him, I think I could only go as far as loving him as a brother.

I glance at Cole. The TV is on, and the previews are playing. Cole's standing next to the door now, just about to flick off the lights.

Noel, who has been silent while rummaging through the closet, pushes past Cole. They bump shoulders. Cole's back hits the wall. Both of them chuckle.

"I'll be back," Noel says. "Just gonna change into something more comfortable."

When the door closes, Cole glances at me. "You good, love?"

I flash him a weak smile. It's only a crack in my armour. I'm not okay. Despite trusting Cole, this doesn't feel right. I shouldn't be spending time with people I like and enjoying takeout. Watching movies. I feel like grief and guilt should be my primary concerns.

I'm torn between my emotions. Despite not deserving to be here, I'm glad I came. Spending time with Noel and Cole was the better alternative to seeing a movie with the girls. They wanted to see some romantic comedy. I definitely prefer watching Christian Bale and Heath Ledger.

With everything I've been through, it's nice to know Cole has my back. I've been longing for someone to accept me for who I am and to not base their opinion on the past. I am broken and bruised, helpless and guilty, but at least Cole can see that, despite all my edginess. He's too good.

Being friends with him goes against everything I believe in. It scares me.

All I can do is hope that he isn't another person who will disappear from my life.