Noel

On August second, the location for my session with Dr. Munson is different. Rather than it being in his stuffy office or down by the pond at the far end of the land the facility owns, I'm sitting on a stone bench in the rose gardens. The sun is hot against the skin of my neck, causing beads of sweat to seep into the collar of my t-shirt. I'm not complaining. I've always loved summer. It reminds me of my days back on the farm.

I lean back against the bench and close my eyes, breathing in the scent of summer and roses. It's beautiful here. And I think that's helped with the time I've spent in the program. Instead of making me feel trapped, I feel like I'm living at an all-inclusive resort.

It's been relaxing, which is saying a lot because I never thought I'd be able to relax after what happened. Yet here I am. I actually wish I would have been more like Kinsley and dealt with my demons sooner rather than later. But at least I'm doing something. At least it's not too late.

"This is a much better meeting place compared to the sidewalk. Much better circumstances, too. No one's about to be hit by a bike."

My eyes snap open and I swivel on the bench to look in the direction of the familiar voice. It can't be...

But it is.

Standing there in a pair of white shorts and a watermelon-coloured top, wearing brown sandals, with her golden-blonde hair tied up in a bun is Kinsley. If my mouth is gaping open right now, I don't care. If I look absolutely shell-shocked, I don't care. I can't believe she's here. I wasn't expecting to see her for at least a couple more weeks.

She smiles, her eyes crinkling at the corners. "Hey," she says softly.

I reach up and run a hand through my hair. "Hey," I reply. "Do you, uh, want to sit down?"

Kinsley nods and walks over to the bench. I move over to make room for her. When she sits down, I'm struck with this overwhelming scent of peaches. Although I haven't seen her for a couple of months, the scent is still familiar and images of us on the farm play across my mind. I've missed her so much. I wasn't lying when I said I was falling in love with her. And I'd be lying if I said I still didn't feel something for her.

We sit in silence for a minute. In my mind, I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to say to her, how I can bring up what happened. I thought this conversation would be easier, but it's turning out to be difficult. I know we both want to talk about it. Igniting the conversation is difficult, though. 

"This is a really nice place," Kinsley finally says.

I look up at her, watching as she looks over the gardens then back at the building. "Yeah," I nod, feeling a hint of embarrassment. "It is. It's been really good for me." My response is seemingly pathetic, but it's the best I can do right now. Kinsley is intimidating even when she doesn't mean to be.

She exhales deeply. "I, um, wanted to talk to you about...about what happened," she starts.

Her eyes meet mine, and I nod, deciding to let her go first. She lost so much thanks to my father. It's only fair that I give her the go-ahead.

"I don't forgive you," she says, her gaze never leaving mine.

My heart drops to my feet, despair fills my blood. I could've sworn things were okay between us. She isn't the only one that Cole kept updated, and the fact that she showed up was proof enough. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe Cole was wrong. I can understand why she would have resentful feelings toward me. The people she lost... she's never going to see them again.

Kinsley looks down at her hands. 

"I don't forgive you," she continues, "because you didn't do anything wrong. The accident was not your fault. So there's nothing to forgive. I'm sorry I was mad at you. It was impulsive and reckless; something I shouldn't have done. But I think, out of anyone, you can understand best what the shock did to me. I had no idea how to process the connection between us. One moment we were happy and enjoying life, and then next I find out that your dad was the one driving that night, the one who killed my family, Aaron, and Mads. It was a lot to take in." 

She pauses and chews on her bottom lip. "I also didn't have the ability to step back and take your point of view into account, but as soon as I was capable of doing that, I came to the conclusion you tried to do the right thing." 

Again, she pauses and reaches out to take my hand. An electric zing goes through my bloodstream. 

"I'm so sorry about what your dad did to you. I don't understand how a parent could to that to their child. I wish you didn't have to endure all that pain and suffering he caused."

A tear slips down her cheek as she looks up at me. "Please don't blame yourself for everything that's happened. Don't be ashamed of being afraid."

It's in this moment that I realize how much Kinsley has changed. She's showing her emotions, talking about her past. Holding my hand. She's not pushing me away, holding me at arm's length. A swell of pride rises in my chest and I smile at her, giving her hand a squeeze. I like this version of her. I like the brightness in her beautiful eyes, the colour in her face. She looks like she did that day on the farm, when she reminded me of a wildflower. 

Wild and free, with nothing to worry about despite the heaviest rainstorm. 

I'm also relieved that she has no hard feelings toward me. In all honesty, there was a part of me that figured I might have to explain why none of this is my fault. Kinsley is very set on what she believes, very stubborn, and I know it would have been hard to convince her this accident wasn't my fault.

"It took me a long time to figure it out, but I know it wasn't my fault," I reply softly. "Kinsley, I'm sorry for what my father did to you and your family. To Mads. To Aaron. On his behalf, I'm sorry." I run my free hand through my hair. "I still wish I could have done something to prevent the accident, but I no longer blame myself. Dr. Munson was able to get through to me and tell me all about PTSD and the effects it has. Giving the keys to my father was a defense mechanism to avoid being physically harmed by him. It was the only thing I could do to stop it."

I avert my gaze from the rose bush on the other side of the gravel path and look at Kinsley. "You're amazing, you know. Seriously, Kinsley. I wish I could have been more like you post-accident. You were so brave and strong to deal with your problems right away. I admire you for that."

She gives me a small smile. "We're all strong in our own ways. I hope you don't mind, but I needed some information about you and your dad for my therapy sessions. I... I didn't realize your dad was abusing you for so long."

I nod, even though her words strike a tender spot in my heart. I've dealt with the aftermath of the accident, but I still haven't quite gotten over the abuse. It's harder to deal with because it became a norm in my life, something I expected. Something I forced myself to accept rather than fight against.

"I think you're amazingly brave for putting up with that for so long." She looks up at me. "You didn't deserve a childhood like that, Noel."

Hearing her say my name sends shivers down my spine, and the fact that she's holding my hand doesn't help much either. Saying I've missed her would be an understatement and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if she hadn't told me that day by the lake. How far we would have gone.

I stifle a sigh. Maybe it's best she did tell me and this chain reaction happened before we did anything too serious. I can't imagine how hurtful and traumatic it would have been for both of us to find out after we did something much more intimate than kiss.

"So, how have things been for you?" I ask.

Kinsley glances up at the clear blue sky and shrugs. "They were hard at first, like I said, but I can honestly say I'm better now. Really. It's time to move on. Not forget. I'll always have my family, Aaron, and Mads in my heart. But still move on. I survived for a reason and it's time I stop taking everything for granted." Her eyes meet mine again. "I found myself again. I mean, I'm not the Before Kinsley, but I'm certainly not the After Kinsley. I'm me, and nothing is going to change that."

I smile at her. "That's great to hear."

"What about you?" she asks softly. "How have things been?"

"Rough," I reply without hesitation. "But they've gotten better as the time's gone on. I'm sure you can tell."

She nods. "You... you look amazing. Healthier." She squeezes my hand. "I'm happy for you."

I meet Kinsley's gaze. I can see the curiosity in her blue eyes as she stares at me. There's something else she wants to ask me, she's just hesitant to.

With her free hand, she tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I, um," she says, her cheeks turning pink. I take a mental picture of her face. Seeing Kinsley blush is adorable. With the constellation of freckles across the bridge of her nose, tanned skin, and her full pink lips, she's gorgeous. She closes her eyes and sighs. "That day at the lake... did you really mean what you said? About falling in love with me?"

I swallow thickly. At the beginning of my time here, I tried to convince myself that what I said to her was an illusion, something I said in the heat of the moment because it felt right. I thought it would make things easier.

Even though it isn't the truth at all.

Of course I meant what I said.

But I'm not falling in love with her. I'm in love with her. 

I love her argumentative side, how vocal she is with opinions, how passionate she is about animals. I love her smile and her strength. The scars on her back, her limp. I love how her hair reminds me of the fields of wheat during sunset back home on the farm.

Slowly, I nod my head, scared to meet her eyes.

I hear Kinsley inhale and exhale deeply. "God, why does this have to be so hard?" she mutters. "Okay." She straightens out her shirt and turns to face me. "I love you, too, Noel."

This time, I do look up at her. She's smiling at me, content yet unsure. But her gaze is warm, displaying love. Love my heart has been void of for so long because of PTSD and ignorance. My heart swells with happiness, and my first instinct is to pull her into a hug and kiss her, but something stops me.

Though I've made good progress here, I need more time. I'm beginning to feel more like myself, but I haven't completely healed. There are still aspects I need to learn how to properly handle before I enter a relationship with someone. The old Noel would have dove right in, kissed her and asked her out on a date. 

But the new me knows better.

I need to sort the rest of my life out. The abuse still lingers like a shadow in the back of my mind, and, when I find someone, I don't want it there to hold me back. I deserve to be happy. In order to be happy, I need to complete the healing process. 

I lace my fingers with Kinsley's and look up at her. 

'"Kinsley," I say. "I meant what I said and I still mean it. I love you."

She traces her thumb along the back of my knuckle. "There's a 'but,' isn't there?"

I nod. "I love you, but I need more time. I'm sorry, but I want to finish here, find myself again. I've been like this for way too long and I want to be able to feel as free and happy as the vibe you give."

Trying to hide her disappointment, Kinsley looks at the roses surrounding us. 

"Noel," Kinsley says after a moment. "Do not apologize for doing the right thing. I understand what you mean. It takes time to let go, to learn that you shouldn't allow your past to shape you. Take all the time you need." She shifts her gaze down to our hands and smiles sadly. "Though I will admit it sucks a little."

"I'm sorry," I repeat, even though she told me not to. Feeling bold, I reach up and cup her face with my free hand. Her skin is soft and warm. "But just because I need time doesn't mean this is goodbye."

Kinsley, her eyes saturated with emotion, pulls me into a vigorous hug. "Stay in touch with me, okay?" she whispers. "I want to know how you're doing."

I smile and twirl a strand of her hair around my finger, breathing in her laundry soap and mint scent. "Only if you do the same."

She pulls back, her eyes brimming with tears. "Of course I will. I'll keep in touch with you as much as I can."

"Then so will I," I nod, pulling her back into a hug.

This feels like more than a temporary goodbye, but I push that feeling away. Life is unexpected and one moment can change everything. For some reason, Kinsley and I crossed each other's paths after the accident. If that's not a sign that we're meant to be in each other's lives, then I don't know what is.

All it took was one moment to meet her gaze.

One moment to fall for her.

One moment for everything to fall apart.

And then one moment for everything to slowly piece back together.

Who knows what the future holds for us?

All that matters is that we've come out of this stronger than before, that we're on the path to living the lives we deserve.

And, despite all the pain and suffering we both experienced, I don't regret meeting her. I don't regret the time we spent getting to know each other, falling in love with each other.

Sniffling, Kinsley pulls away and rests her forehead against mine. "This is not goodbye," she whispers.

I brush my lips against hers. "No. This is just the beginning."