Kinsley

I can't believe I'm sitting in the parking lot of the cemetery. My hands are gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles are white, my breathing is unstable, and I'm sweating.

I did it. 

After years of fearing driving, I drove here to the place where my family and Mads are buried. 

I rest my forehead against the steering wheel and take a deep breath, trying to fight off nausea.

This feels like a lucid dream. One that's trying to fool me into believing it's real. Soon, I'll wake up and feel a wave of disappointment. This progress will mean nothing. 

But when I sit up and look out the windshield, I see a vast mass of land dedicated to both old and new headstones. Large oak trees dot the area, and small green bushes line the gravel pathways. This is not a dream.

I'm sure other drivers I was sharing the road with wanted to veer me off the road. My driving was slow, but I kept myself calm while driving. My decisions were smart. The music I listened to was calming, too. 

I actually made it.

Before unbuckling my seatbelt, I let out a small squeal of excitement. Despite the sadness illuminating the cemetery, I'm allowed to be proud. Relishing in these small moments are worth the hassle. One moment can change the course of your life. It's best to embrace even a shred of happiness. 

Stepping out the vehicle, I breathe in the warm summer air. The weather is beautiful today. It smells of sunshine and barbecue, along with a floral note. Sunshine streams through the trees above, adding a golden glow. 

I glance up at the sky. Today is the first time it's been sunny and warm while visiting this place. Then again, I've never come during the summer. It was too emotional for me to endure, too painful. I only came when I felt the need to. Birthdays, anniversaries, et cetera. All those times it's either been raining or snowing, cloudy or foggy. Never clear and blue and hopeful. 

Happy.

Feeling a little more than timid, I exit the parking lot and follow the all-too-familiar pathway to the far side of the property. To the spot beneath the biggest oak tree. As I walk, I realize something: I'm not dreading each step I take. This time, I'm excited to visit my loved ones. Maybe the weather has something to do with my mood. Whatever the reason, I'm not on the verge of tears right now. I know they will come later. That's inevitable. 

When I come to the spot below the shade of the oak tree, I stop and stare, feeling a little guilty that I didn't bring flowers to lay down. In my defense, however, I was driving for the first time in three years. Stopping at a store would've added too much pressure. 

As I stand, staring at the headstones and the names engraved, I try to think of what I'm going to say. But my ability to think is overwhelmed by questions. How am I supposed to say goodbye to someone when they're already gone? What do I even say? Can they hear me?

Still trying to figure out how I'm going to do this, I sit down in the grass, cross-legged and read each engraved name. Jessa Hastings. Daniel Hastings. Sarah Hastings. Madeline Brown. Then I picture what Aaron's looks like.

Finally, I stare at the dates.

It's hard to believe I've lived two whole years without them. It's frustrating to think about everything they've missed, the lives they'll never be able to live. It's unfair that they all died so young and that they never really got to live. I look at the fresh flowers laying atop the grave and a small smile forms on my lips. Clearly, Grandpa or Grandma was here yesterday or earlier this morning.

"I miss you guys," I finally say.

I had no plans about what I was going to say to them when I got here. I wasn't sure how long my spiel would be. If I would say the words in my head or aloud. But once I open my mouth, the words tumble out.

"I'm sorry," I say, the familiar tears burning my eyes. "I'm sorry your lives were taken from you so early. There hasn't been a day that's gone by where I haven't wondered what life would be like if you were all still here. Who you'd all be today. If I could go back in time and change what happened, I would. I promise you that." I pause to swallow the large lump in my throat, reaching up to wipe away my tears. "At the beginning of all of this, I felt like I wouldn't be capable of healing, of finding myself again. Life isn't the same without the five of you. It never will be. But I know for a fact that all of you would want me to live my life to its fullest potential, to be happy and fulfil my dreams. I've finally realized that's something I want."

I'm sitting in front of four graves talking to thin air and making myself look insane, but I don't care. I like this. I like being able to talk to them as if they're listening. And maybe, somewhere out there, they are. I certainly hope so.

"And I'm sorry I haven't done that. Yes, I needed some time to grieve, to embrace the sadness. Everyone is allowed to do that. But it shouldn't have crippled me for so long." I exhale deeply, shakily. "From now on, I will live the life you guys would have wanted me to live, I swear on it. I will not take anything for granted anymore. I miss all of you so, so much, and I feel like a terrible person for saying this, for even thinking it, but Grandpa has a point. It's time for me to say my goodbyes. I just wanted to let you all know that you'll always be in my heart, always with me. And, one day, when my second go at life is up, I will see you again. All of you."

I exhale again and begin to pick at the grass in front of me. Now that my goodbyes are over, telling them about my life feels like a good idea. 

"In other news," I continue. "University has been great so far. I've passed all my classes with top grades, made some excellent, perfect friends, and I..." 

I trail off as I think about what I was about to say next. How do I tell them I met someone? Especially someone like Noel. He's the son of the man who caused the accident. A strong, amazing man I can't stop thinking about. 

"I fell in love with someone," I rephrase, glancing at the sky. "Slowly, gradually. I will admit, sometimes I couldn't stand him because he was so, so arrogant, but he grew on me." I toss a handful of grass to the ground. "He made me smile every day. He made me laugh, he reminded me what it was like to be free and enjoy life." I close my eyes and think about Noel, picturing him up on stage, singing and playing the guitar. I picture him sitting in class, tapping the eraser of his pencil against the desk. All those times I was alone with him on the farm. The emotions we felt and the kisses we exchanged. 

My cheeks turn pink. 

Oh my God, Mads is probably rolling her eyes somewhere on the other side. It's unlike me to get mushy and swoon over someone like I am right now.

I shake my head, thinking about how one single moment changed everything between us. "Things were great between us until the truth came out. The day I told Noel about everything, I thought he ran off because he couldn't accept my past. But, as it turns out, his father was the one who caused the accident."

I pause, taking this moment to wonder how Noel is doing. Cole said he was doing great, but I wish there was a way I could see him, tell him that there's nothing that needs to be forgiven, that I don't blame him. All I want to do is be by his side. Kiss him and hug him again. Breathe in that familiar smell of weathered leather and laundry detergent. 

Noel McLean is the man I'm madly in love with. 

I spend the next five minutes explaining the connection between Noel and I, telling my family how he blamed himself. How I blamed him. Then I tell them about my therapy sessions and how my view has shifted.

"I regret the way things ended between us. Cole, one of my amazing friends, told me Noel's getting better and better each day." I rip up another clump of grass. "But I still wish I could see him one more time so we could mend things between us. I feel like there's a lot we need to discuss, that I need to tell him."

I glance at Jessa's headstone and smile. Good God, my little sister would probably be in my face and telling me to smarten up and put my big girl panties on rather than sit here and cry. She was so young when the accident happened, but there's no doubt that she was a little spitfire.

I wipe my tears away, feeling better than I have in years. "Well, that's my news. How's life there?"

The only noise that greets me is the rustling of leaves due to the summer breeze. I stand up, feeling old, but also a million times lighter. With a small smile, I say, "This isn't the end. This is a temporary goodbye. I know I'll see all of you again. I promise that no matter what, you guys will always be with me. But I need to let go of the past if I'm going to live the life I deserve, reprieve myself of the pain and fear that's been holding me back." I take a deep breath and run my fingertips along each headstone. "I love you guys so much."

With the newfound lightness on my shoulders, I gaze off into the distance, taking in the fields behind the cemetery, the endless blue sky.

I smile and close my eyes, allowing the sun to warm my face, the breeze to tickle my skin. There are still tears running down my cheeks, but they're not tears of despair. What I feel is entirely different than my usual emotions. I feel free, happy, warm-hearted, and excited. 

No, this is not goodbye at all.

This is a new beginning.