Kinsley

Two weeks pass before I text Noel.

We were supposed to go out with Tristan, Cole, and Mariana the day after Noel deemed me his lab partner. It didn't work out. The timing was off for both of us. Noel accepted a gig at a local off-campus pub. Cole went with him for support. I'm sure Tristan and Mariana did, too. On my side of the story, my grandparents dropped in for a surprise visit. They wanted to see how I was doing.

We spent the weekend at my aunt and uncle's house. Before leaving campus for the weekend, I introduced them to Tristan. As nothing more than my roommate. Even if Tristan is growing on me, I refuse to give in. Deeming her as more than a roommate will only complicate things. The same goes for Mariana. Both are fun to spend time with. They don't press for information. When the three of us are in the dorm room, we can keep the mood light and neutral.

During the second week, classes swamped me with homework. Now that introductions to courses are complete, the actual work has begun. Most of the homework I completed was important and counted toward my grade. Doing something fun with Noel, Cole, Tristan, and Mariana would've been an irresponsible decision. I'm thankful I locked down on homework.

Now, I have this weekend free to do whatever I please.

Well... almost whatever I please.

Friday is here, and Tristan and I are walking to the same pub where I first met Noel. I'm not looking forward to being social. At all. Though the food was decent, I can remember how loud it was in there. Something tells me a Friday will be worse than a Saturday.

Bright lights and loud, unexpected noises are triggers. They remind me too much of what happened. Still, I powered through the trauma to uphold Jessa and I's tradition. I don't know if I can do it again.

Locking myself in my dorm room and reading a book sounds appealing. It'll have to wait until tomorrow, though.

"This will be fun," Tristan says.

We cross the crosswalk. I keep my eyes focused on the ground, staring at the painted lines. This is the same crosswalk I crossed before having my first exchange with Noel.

My cheeks heat.

I push people away to keep them and myself safe. That means my behaviour sometimes embarrasses me. I should have made my appreciation sound real instead of fake and forced. I could have sprained my wrist or gotten some other minor injury. Had the bike hit me, I could've been in trouble. He helped me. I didn't tell him how grateful I was.

"Sure," I reply. Anxiety riddles my voice. This outing resembles bonding. Bonding leads to relationships. What I'm doing goes against everything I believe in.

"Sure?" she repeats, giving me a look of disbelief. "Kinsley, you have got one of the hottest, nicest guy on campus pining over you. Take advantage of it! God, it makes me so jealous. If Noel were pining over me, I'd give him a chance."

"Even if you were still seeing Cole?" I ask.

Tristan inspects her painted nails. They're a crimson red and almost match her hair colour. "A little white lie hurt no one. Besides, every woman needs a man. Just like every man needs a woman."

I shake my head. There are several statements I disagree with. Attending university isn't about finding a man to be with. It's about graduating and getting my degree. I don't need a man for that. Also, Tristan's comments about lying to Cole concern me. Something tells me she's dating Cole in order to get closer to Noel.

"I'm not looking for someone," I reply. My mind flitters back to Aaron. A weight crushes my heart. He should be here. His lack of presence makes me wonder how different things would be if he were here. Perhaps Aaron, Noel, Cole, Mariana, Tristan, and I would be best friends. "Why don't you go after him?" I add feebly.

Tristan shrugs. "Noel ignores my flirting. Besides, Cole's got an impressive body. He's a basketball player."

"What?" I blink.

Tristan bumps her shoulder against mine. "There's no shame in loving a man's body."

Again, I blink. "Would you have sex with Noel if he succumbed to your flirting?"

Tristan wrinkles her nose as we step around a crowd. "You make it sound so dirty. Succumb. I'm not a villain, Kinsley. There is nothing wrong with thinking another man is sexy. But yes. If Noel flirted with me and we ended up in my bedroom, I'd have sex with him." She pauses, waggling her eyebrows. "Maybe both of them. Imagine Noel and Cole giving you the attention. God, I can't imagine what their hands and mouths could do."

Disgust fills my features. "If you're so in love with Noel, then why don't you dump Cole?"

"Sex," Tristan shrugs. "Cole is a god in bed."

I turn away, tuning her out. What is wrong with her? She's majoring in psychology. Shouldn't she realize how wrong this conversation is? Okay, a threesome isn't bad. It's not something I would do, but I won't judge others for liking it. What bothers me is her attitude. In a relationship, you're supposed to remain faithful.

"Don't look so disgusted," she says. "Cole and I have chemistry. Post-secondary romances never last, Kinsley. Cole and I... we're a serious fling. That doesn't mean I'm not allowed to think Noel is attractive and sweet."

This conversation is making me sick. What the hell is a serious fling?

"Okay," I reply. Although I have a fair argument, I don't want to argue. Something tells me I can't change Tristan's mind. "Sorry for judging."

Tristan smiles, bumping me with her shoulder again. "It's fine. Don't worry. Some of us have different ethics we follow regarding sex. No big deal."

It's far from fine. I feel bad for Cole. He doesn't seem like someone who would approve of this. Also, I disagree with Tristan. Dating means getting to know the person you wanted a chance with. You're not supposed to pine over another person. Especially their best friend. From what I've seen, Cole is giving all his time to Tristan. She's trying to rope Noel in.

It makes my stomach uneasy.

"Tris! Kinsley!"

We glance at Mariana. She's standing in front of the pub. Tonight, her hair is tied in a high ponytail with a glittery gold headband. It matches her shiny, sequined top and dark jeans. The heels she's wearing are... Well, they make my feet ache.

"Hey, Mariana," Tristan says.

I flash her a weak smile, tightening my grip on my purse's strap. Tonight will be hellish. I hope I'm strong enough to get through it.

"Are we ready?" Mariana asks. She rests a hand on her stomach. "I'm starving."

We nod.

Inside, the pub is quiet. The quietness surprises me. Tonight, the stage is empty and the music is low. Everything else is the same: the dim lighting, the country theme, and the faint smell of lager.

We find Noel and Cole sitting in the middle of the pub. They're close to the pool tables. Tristan sits down beside Cole. Mariana sits on the other side of Cole. Their quick decisions leave me only one option: to sit beside Noel.

Anxiety coaxes my stomach with its claws.

I don't want to sit beside him. What I want is an entire table between us, along with some drinks and food, to act as a barrier. I'm only here to repay a debt I owe. This isn't about gaining anything. Not a relationship or a friendship.

I watch with mild disgust as Tristan kisses Cole. After the quick kiss, Cole flashes me a charming smile. "Good to see you again, Kinsley."

"You, too," I reply, forcing a smile.

Better, I think to myself. I'm getting better at faking being happy to see someone. I hope it's good enough to fool the people surrounding me.

From the corner of my eye, I glance at Noel. His brown eyes are just as dark and intense as I remember. Their colour takes my breath away every time I see him. His eyes stir something within me. Something that's been dormant for two years. Emotions. His gaze can eradicate the numbness coating my mind.

There's something charismatic and familiar about his eyes. Almost... comforting.

And...

And the crooked grin he's flashing at me is intoxicating. Damn those dimples.

"You came," he says.

"I did," I nod.

His crooked grin intensifies, causing my cheeks to turn pink.

Shit. Why is he so cute?

I look away, doing my best to appear indifferent. To hide my guilt. It's ironic we're back at the pub. Although we didn't speak, this is where Noel and I first connected. When our gazes met. The memory is burned into my mind. It frustrates me. "Round two," I mutter, rolling my eyes.

Noel snorts, covering it with a cough. When I look at him, I catch the smirk on his lips. One eyebrow is quirked in amusement.

Again, I look away, trying not to ogle his body beneath the grey fitted muscle shirt and red-and-grey flannel overtop. The sleeves are rolled up past his elbows, revealing smooth, tanned skin.

"You come here a lot," I observe coolly, thinking that's a fairly innocuous comment.

"What can I say? When you've got a talent like mine, people become demanding. Declining opportunities would be foolish."

Across from us, Cole chuckles. Tristan and Mariana nod in agreement.

His comment aggravates me. Their gestures aggravate me. His vocals are amazing and he can play the guitar well. He has the right persona for the stage. Picturing Noel on stage with artists like Brett Kissel, Keith Urban, and High Valley isn't difficult.

I want to call Noel arrogant.

Yet... there's something off about his tone. In the underlying notes and his expression, humbleness radiates from him. It's as if Noel appreciates the talent he's been given. It aggravates me. I'm trying to find ways to hate him. This isn't helping.

"He's brilliant on stage, right, Tris?" Cole asks. "Even in high school, he was carving a space for his name. My mate here won every talent show. Everyone loved to hate him."

Noel waves it off, smiling and showing off two perfect, cute dimples. "It wasn't easy, Cole. Lots of practice, which usually led to my fingers bleeding." Noel glances at his hands. On the palm of his left hand, I see a thick, white scar. A ghostlike look fills his brown eyes. "Singing and playing the guitar is worth every scar."

My stomach churns at the mention of blood. Of scars. The accident has made my stomach vulnerable to gory subjects. Which is ironic since I'm on my way to becoming a vet.

However, the look in his eyes strikes something deep within me. They say eyes are the window to the soul. If that's true, then Noel has an old soul. It makes me wonder what he's been through.

The talk about country music continues on until a waitress stops by. She asks if we want any drinks. Tristan orders some fruity drink. Mariana asks for a gin and tonic. Cole orders a beer.

When the waitress turns to Noel and I, we both order waters. I used to enjoy a glass of whisky every now and then. Since the accident, though, I've avoided alcohol. Every time I see a bottle, it reminds me the driver who murdered my family was drunk.

The person who killed the people I love had been intoxicated thanks to these types of drinks. These drinks can alter someone's perception of society. They can cause them to do unexplainably stupid, reckless things. It makes me sick.

Ordering an alcoholic beverage would make me feel like I'm betraying everyone. If I buy one, I'm supporting what alcohol can do to people. I don't want a drink.

"You don't drink," Noel observes.

I shake my head. "Alcohol doesn't agree with my tastebuds," I lie.

His tone is strange. It's almost as if he's trying to intimidate me. If he's trying to intimidate me, it will not work.

"What about you?" I ask smoothly. "I don't see you drinking, either."

Noel shrugs. He traces the edge of the table. "My dad was an alcoholic."

"Noel," Cole says. "You don't have to talk about it."

When I glance at Cole, I see how worried he is. My heart aches. Noel must've had a terrible childhood. Somehow, my eyes find the scar on Noel's hand. Is that a scar from his guitar strings or his father?

A shudder cascades down my spine.

I don't want to know.

Noel looks at me, that same intensity present in his eyes. "Haven't liked the taste much since then." He sighs. "I also don't want to risk becoming like my father. Alcoholism can be genetic..." He trails off, staring into the distance. "The pain and shit he put me through was unbelievable."

I notice Cole press his lips into a flat line. He's staring down at the table. Tristan is staring at Noel. There's no sympathy in her eyes. Just admiration.

"Noel," Mariana says. "That's awful. I'm so sorry."

Noel half-shrugs. "It is what it is. At least I'm free of him now."

Silence settles over us as the waitress returns with our drinks. She sets them down in front of us. Then she asks if we want any appetizers. Because I didn't buy a drink, I order some calamari. Noel and Cole decide to share some nachos.

As the waitress is jotting down the appetizers Tristan and Mariana want, Noel turns to me. "Calamari, eh?"

Pressing my lips together, I nod.

Noel flicks his gaze to his water. Condensation runs down the edges of the glass.

The awkward tension between us is suffocating me. It suffocates me because Noel and I can relate to each other. We've both been through significant pain. It scares me.

The concept of pain... I'm too familiar with it. It's something that keeps you up at night whether or not you like it. It's like when you stub your toe on the corner of the couch. You're left with this throbbing, echoing pain. Or that toothache you get when you've eaten too many sweets.

"Pain's a real bugger, hey?" I mutter between us. My gaze flitters over the pool tables. Only one is occupied.

"Nah," Noel replies. "I think pain is a good thing—even if it can hurt like hell. You have to hurt to learn to heal. Learning how to get back up and deal with your problems is essential."

I frown at him, clutching my water. The coldness of the glass stings my hands. "That makes no sense. What if you don't have the strength to find your feet again? Pain cripples you. It makes you weak."

Noel shakes his head. "Pain is what strengthens you, Kinsley. It strengthens you because you have no choice but to fight it. And I'm not just discussing physical pain, like when you break a bone or have the wind knocked from your lungs. Every type of pain the average human being experiences can make a person stronger than they were before." His expression softens. His eyes are so vulnerable, my heart bleeds. "I don't know you well, Kinsley. If you've ever been through pain, though, you're still here. How is that not strength? Your opinion... I don't think it's valid."

"Amen to that," Cole says, raising his beer.

"Definitely," Tristan agrees.

Mariana hums in approval, tossing back a sip of her gin and tonic.

I slouch in my seat, feeling defeated. This is why I rarely go out with people. They never understand my point of view on things. Noel is the perfect example. Sure, maybe he could fight against what his father was doing, and maybe it strengthened him.

The pain I've experienced is different. I'm broken. I feel pain every day. Nightmares shroud my mind at night. My limp haunts me during the day. There are days where I wish I could go back and change fate. I'd make a deal with the devil to do so.

My mind is weak. I'm weak. There is no strength left in this shell-of-a-body.

I'll agree to disagree with Noel. I will never agree with his words.

Pain ruins you. Destroys you.

And if you don't believe that statement, then just look at me as an example.