Chapter Six (Anthony)

My chest hurt, even after Seth dropped me off at my house.

I just gave him a quick goodbye and got out of his car, going into my house and slamming the door shut. I hadn't meant to do it angrily, or maybe I did? I didn't care. I waited until Seth had pulled away from my house, probably wondering why I didn't stay to chat. I didn't really want to chat.

I had the strongest feeling that if I got to talking to this guy more and more, I'd end up really falling in love with him and only end up getting kicked in the face.

Been there, done that. Came back with postcards.

Right now, the only thing I really wanted more than anything was a bottle of beer. To sit alone in front of my television like I did every day of my life and pretend that life wasn't a pile of crap trying to suffocate me. It was just fine. I was just fine on my own. I'd done it for as long as I could remember and I was fine with that.

At least, that's what I kept telling myself. It was getting harder and harder to convince myself that everything was okay. A little voice in my head told me that none of this was okay. Drinking yourself drunk wasn't safe. Sitting alone and lying to yourself wasn't okay. Trying to tell yourself that everything was going to go back to normal, when normal wasn't okay at all, none of it was okay.

I forced those thoughts out of my head as I went to my room to grab some money. I came back downstairs and went out to my car, getting in and cranking up the heat. I backed out of the driveway and drove over to the grocery store, intent to grab a six pack and come home to relax.

Right, relax. That's all I was gonna do was relax.

I pulled into the parking lot and got out, slamming my door shut and shoving my keys in my pocket as I came inside, relieved to feel the warmth from inside compared to the bitter cold outside. I heard people mumbling about more snow as I passed by, making me frown. Just what I needed. My heating bill to sky rocket.

But it's not like it mattered.

For some reason, it didn't matter how much I turned up the heat in my house, it always managed to be cold somehow.

I walked up and down the aisles, mostly to keep myself warm and to get my mind off of things I really shouldn't be thinking of. I approached one of the fridges, reaching in and taking out a six pack of beer, frowning at it. I hadn't had one of these in a day. While most people would think that as not much of a shocker, well, most people hadn't met me.

I took a step back, then winced as I bumped into someone. I whirled to snap at them, then froze to see Vic standing there. He stared at me, his eyes wide. The look on his face questioned the fact that I was still alive. Then his eyes dropped to the six pack in my hands and his expression twisted up.

"Shopping?" He asked me. I curled my lip, ready to snarl at him that it was really none of his business. I didn't want to talk to him. At the same time, that was the whole reason he didn't talk to me anymore, and the fact that I jumped him, but it came from the fact that I was always angry. I let my expression relax, but I didn't put the beer away.

"Bored." I answered him. Vic hesitated, glancing up and down the aisle before looking back at me.

"Uh... How're you doing lately?" He asked. I shifted uncomfortably. Why was he making small talk with me? I jumped him, painfully might I add. The fact that he could look at me without curling his lip was a shocker. Ace and Rick took every chance they could to give me dirty looks, like they wished I would just drop dead right there in the street.

"G-Good," I cleared my throat, trying not to sound pathetic before I continued, "Fine. The kids are on break at school, so I get time to myself." Vic nodded, biting his lower lip before he looked at me.

"Well, what've you got planned for Christmas?" He asked. I averted my eyes.

Probably the same thing I do every Christmas.

Sit back with the old cartoons and drink myself drunk. Maybe order a pizza before the place closes or bring some ingredients home to make one myself. I might buy a can of cookies.

"Not sure yet," I told Vic, because the truth sounded pathetic now that I thought about it, "I was thinking of maybe giving my sister a call." Vic smiled a little, gripping his grocery bag tightly.

"That sounds good. Is she doing better?"

"She's still in remission."

"That's good," Vic said with a nod, which I returned before he sighed, shifting his jacket a little closer to himself as if he were getting cold, "Well, I wanted to say... If you're not doing anything for Christmas... You could come have dinner with us." I blinked and looked at him, surprised. He looked pretty honest about his decision and I almost accepted when I remembered the fact that his family hated me now and even though I didn't turn down a fight, if I had both Ace and Rick on me, I wouldn't last a second.

"Uhm, probably not a good idea," I muttered, avoiding Vic's face now, "Don't think your boyfriend would appreciate it."

"Ace? Oh, I'm sure he won't--"

"He'll mind. Trust me," I said quickly, making Vic frown, "Thanks for the offer, but, ah, I think I'll be busy anyway. See ya around." Before Vic could say anything else, I walked past him quickly to the cash registers. I held my beer close to me, closing my eyes. Calm down, you made the right decision. It would've been a really bad idea to show up and think it'll be a Merry Christmas by being there. There'd be too much tension and Vic's holiday would be ruined.

Besides, I had things I could do. Like that pizza idea didn't sound bad at all. I could bring the ingredients over a week before and instead of beer, maybe grab some champagne. Rent a movie for a bit.

Yeah, that sounded just about right.

I went through the line, pausing to frown at the cashier from before. She glanced at me, probably expecting me to put it back like last time, but I looked away to stare out the window. She scanned it through without a word and I paid for the pack before heading out to my car. I fumbled for my keys, settling the pack on my car, pausing when it started to snow. I frowned and looked up as the snow began to fall lightly at first before picking up the pace.

I looked around the parking lot as people rushed out to their cars to beat the storm that was coming any time now. I sighed and grabbed my pack, climbing in the car before heading home. And it was like every radio station decided to play a depressing song.

Yeah, that made me feel better.

I pulled up into my driveway and went in the house, only turning on the living room light and the television. I showered, made dinner, grabbed my pack, and went into the living room to watch whatever happened to be on... Which was conveniently the movie I had watched the night before with Seth.

Great. This is gonna be a fun night.

Ugh, no. Why am I getting so depressed over one guy? He's just like the other ones. And what am I? A high school brat? I'm an adult. People get dumped. I get dumped. Sure, more or so than others, but it happens and I should be used to it by now.

And now matter how many times I told myself that, it still hurt. Was I even really dumped? I mean, we weren't really together either. We just had sex. Anyone could have sex. And he hadn't called me all day, so he was probably already picking up someone else. Not that it mattered to me.

Well, Taylor said he was interested. Maybe I should've just gotten together with him. He seemed to be the one to like me. I may not like him now, but I would eventually, right? Could that even work?

"I'm so wasted." I groaned and fell on my side on the sofa, grabbing a pillow and clenching it tightly in my arms as I glared at the movie, trying to watch, but it really wasn't my kind of movie. I only put up with it for Seth.

And why did I do that? I dunno, because I felt like being polite for once.

Oh yeah, me. Polite. I'm such a nice person. I got drunk on my date with Vic and punched him good in the face, tried to drag him off to bed without stopping to ask him if he even wanted to. And of course, him yelling at me was just him being in denial.

NOT.

And then there was Tristian. I scared the guy so bad, he actually thought I had burnt down his apartment to get back at him. I was hauled out of my house and taken in for questioning. As if that didn't make things worse, I was fined and once again ordered by the court to attend AA, which I thankfully didn't have until the holiday season was over. Strange, though. It was this time of year when I got wasted the most.

But I didn't want to talk to those people. Those strangers. They didn't know anything. The only thing that we had in common was that we were drunks. I didn't even know their names or the name of the instructor, who sat there and preached us about the dangers of alcohol.

I knew what the dangers were.

My sister hammered it into my head the last time we spoke. Liver damage. Alcohol poisoning. Depression. It would ruin me, tear me apart, leave me for dead.

No, she was wrong in that.

If there was one thing that stuck by me throughout all the shit that life's given me, it was alcohol.

It never left me. It burned through my blood, made my head spin, made me deliriously happy one second, a sobbing pile the next, sometimes even some philosophical bastard who tried to convince himself that he was meant to live like this.

At least alcohol was there for me.

At least alcohol didn't abandon me or cheat on me or run from me. It was there when no one else was.

I buried my face against the pillow, inhaling the old smell of it before I heard the phone ring. I groaned loudly in frustration and threw the pillow to the floor, heaving myself to my feet. I swayed for a moment, pausing to take a deep breath at the nausea that coiled in my gut. I cleared my throat and swallowed at how dry my throat felt. I grabbed a can of beer as I went into the kitchen, popping it open and picking up the phone.

"This is he." I said without waiting for the person to speak. There was a short pause, some crackling that made me wrinkle my nose in distaste before a voice spoke.

"Anthony, are you drunk?" Seth asked. I blinked, then smiled a little, leaning against the wall.

He called me. He really called me. He wasn't cheating on me... Oh wait, we weren't dating. Yeah, but still, it was nice to know he wasn't with whoever.

"Uhm, a little tipsy," I lied, pausing to take a deep gulp from the can before resting my forehead against the wall, "Is that... Is that why you called or...?"

"Er, no, I wanted to see if you wanted to hang out tonight."

"Really?" I asked hopefully. Again? He wanted to hang out again? What was this, a third date or something? Was this a date or did he wanted to have sex again? was there a difference between those two? I couldn't remember, but I was excited.

"Yeah," Seth said carefully, "But let's hang out at your place, all right?"

"No, no! My place is boring. I can go to your place. Let me just get my keys."

"No, I don't want you driving if you're drunk. Let me come over--"

"Why don't you want me to come over? Did I do something wrong last time?" I hope it wasn't because I fell asleep. I hadn't meant to. He was just unbelievably comfortable and warm. I suddenly felt like I could still feel him under me and leaned against the wall, pressing my can of beer against it and my cheek, but it wasn't anything like lying on Seth. It was cold and hard.

"What? No, Anthony--"

"Or does it have to do with the girl that called?" Something about saying that made my chest hurt as I backed away from the wall uncomfortably. Did he have the girl over or something?

"Girl? Wait, you mean Kelsey? Anthony, Kelsey and I aren't even friends. She just cheats off my tests during class because she sits beside me. I promise you there's nothing between us." Seth said sternly. What kind of tone was that? He acted like I was stupid for thinking that.

"I'm not stupid." I snapped in annoyance, smacking the can against the wall, then cursing as the beer sloshed out and splashed against the wall and my pant leg. I rested the phone between my ear and shoulder as I wiped at the wall with my shirt, then tried to dust it off my pant leg.

"I didn't say you were stupid," Seth answered calmly, but I could hear the frown in his voice, "Look, I'm really not busy and Taylor's here and I would prefer some privacy with you. I've already got my shoes on, so let me come and check on you."

"I'm fine," I protested angrily, "I'm coming to you. I need to drive anyway."

"Anthony--"

"I'll be over in, like, five minutes tops." I hung up and dropped my can on the floor, ignoring it as it spilled everywhere. I managed to make my way to the living room without tripping or slamming into anything, pulling on my jacket before heading outside, hissing past clenched teeth at the bitter cold wind that nipped at my face. The snow whipped and tore through the air, making it look more like a white night than a black night.

I kicked past clumps of snow, almost falling over into it, but catching myself on the end of the stair rail. I made my way to my car, sighing in relief once I fell inside. I turned the car on and cranked the heat, waiting until it was warm enough before I backed out of the driveway.

I didn't want Seth to come over and see my house. The beer cans everywhere and how cold it was inside. Such a big house, but just one person living it? He'd think I was pathetic. Oh, but he did come over that one time...

Well, whatever, I was already on the road.

I grimaced, turning the windshield wipers on high to clear away the snow that was collecting on the glass. It didn't help too much. The snow blew hard into my car and for a second, I found myself in the other lane. I grimaced and tried to gently move to the side, but it slid. I took my foot off the break, letting my car slide back onto the other lane. I sighed, my heart pounding before I laughed nervously.

That was scary.

This was probably a bad idea, but that's okay. I'm already almost there... Maybe?

"Where did he live again?" I wondered aloud, slowing down along the road to look at the surroundings. I bit my lip nervously, trying to peer past the snow on the windows before I gave up and kept driving. My eyelids felt so heavy, my body hollow. I suddenly wanted to just close my eyes and sleep. I should've brought a blanket. Sleep in my back seat... Oh, but it'd get cold, wouldn't it? Maybe.

Cold...

It was still too cold. Why was it so cold?

I wrinkled my nose and reached over, turning the radio station before looking up to see my car teetering toward the ditch. I cursed and a bolt of panick made me jerk the wheel, my foot slamming on the brakes.

The car lurched forward and spun once in a full circle as I gripped the wheel so tight my knuckles turned white. I gasped as the back end of my car went over the edge of the road and tore the rest of my car back. I yelped as my car slammed into a tree, sending me flying forward.

Pain exploded in my skull as my head made contact with the windshield. I hissed past clenched teeth and fell back in my seat, breathing heavily as I kept my grip on the wheel. My vision was blurry, so I blinked a few times. Something warm and wet was dripping down the side of my nose and I reached up to rub it, pulling back to place my hand on the wheel again when I saw bright red blood on my fingers.

I blinked in awe, smoothing my fingers together over it before I followed the stream to a gash in my forehead that throbbed dully. I looked around, confused.

Did I just get in an accident?

Did that really just happen?

Dizzy, I realized with a grimace as the world seemed to tilt. At first, I thought it was my car and more panic welled in my chest as I looked around in alarm, then realized it was just me. Was it the alcohol or the cut in my head? I couldn't tell. Part of me wanted to open the car door and go back to the road that was just a few feet away, but it was so cold and the snow was far too heavy and deep outside.

I settled back in my seat, staring through hooded eyes at the blood that was on my windshield.

"Ouch." I murmured, reaching up to touch my forehead again before dropping my hand limply in my lap. I leaned against the back of my seat, letting my head loll to the side as I stared out at the road. There were no other lights, but the street lights that glowed faintly through the thick snow that fell to the ground, piling faster and faster.

No cars. And no houses around this area either. Was I even going in the right direction?

I tilted my head back to stare at the blood on my windshield tiredly, listening to the radio play Son Seals' "Lonesome Christmas". I smiled faintly at the guitar and blues-y feel of the song before I focused more closely on the blood on the windshield with a frown.

That was my blood.

I was hurt. I think it just sank in. I blinked a few times and sat up, looking around for something to hold to my forehead to stop the blood, but I was still dizzy and moving made me sick, so I fell back against the seat again, gazing out the windshield at the snow that tried to collect on my windshield wipers that kept throwing it away.

It was as cold here as it was in my house. I could crank the heat all I wanted and it wouldn't matter.

And quiet.

And lonely.

I should've stayed home, I thought miserably, my heavy eyelids on the verge of closing.

I should've just hung up on Seth. Why did it matter that I go see him anyway? Oh sure, he said there was nothing going on with that girl, whatever her name was, but that was just one girl. There were more than seven billion people on the planet and a hefty amount of them were women and he could have anyone he wanted... Well, he liked men too. He could have anyone on the planet.

He could have a pretty, smart college girl. An attractive, sweet guy who wouldn't cause him any trouble.

Well, I had originally tried to make myself feel better with those thoughts, but it only resulted in making my heart ache as I slumped down in my seat, putting my arms around myself.

Home... I wanna go home.

Really cold in here. I should've brought some beer with me.

At least the snow was pretty, I thought sleepily, then let my eyes drift shut as I slumped against the seat, surrendering myself to the darkness.