"My name is Jade Swan, and this is my story ..."

So you are probably guessing that I took time out from school or collage to go on a massive adventure around the world, or that I'm some superhero or film star, and that you are going to read all about it right now. How I scaled across the Great Wall of China or punched The Terminator in the face. 

Truth is, there is no truth. No story of adventures. That is the life I wish I could have, but I will never get the chance to. So, let me begin this story. 

I'm just a normal 17 year old girl from Britain on the outside. You wouldn't think anything would be wrong, apart from that I might have the typical 'teenager mood swings' or that I am hopelessly in love with the guy next door. But you'd be wrong. I have a younger brother, Chris, so I'm not a lonely child. But I am lonely, as no one understands.

My mum looks after the both of us, as she's a single parent. Dad died when I was only a toddler, but she never told us why, or how. It was only when I reached 16 did she tell me. He died of cancer. He hadn't been a smoker, or done drugs, or even drank that much. He had been a hard working, loving man who had provided and supported his family. We don't know if he knew he had it, whether the doctors had told him or not; he just never woke up. 

It all started for me when I felt strange one day at school. I just thought that it was my stomach playing up on me, or my appendix giving me grief. I didn't know what it was, and neither did the school nurses. It made me nervous, sitting there in class, not knowing what was wrong with me. I started to feel hot and sweaty, my hands shaking, my heart racing. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was having a panic attack; my body was shutting down. As soon as I collapsed I was rushed in the back of an ambulance straight to hospital. They checked me over again and again but could find nothing wrong. So they dug a little deeper, and did more tests, more detailed examinations. And didn't like what they found. 

I remember that day so clearly...

The dull office which they sat me down in, dressed in my PJs on a uncomfortable plastic chair, my mum sat nervously beside me, clutching my hand tightly. She didn't cry, merely sniffled, trying to stay strong for me. I had never been to hospital before, so the fear inside me of being in this strange place must have been clearly visible on my face. I tried distracting myself, by counting the roof tiles in the ceiling, or by trying to pronounce the doctors surname, printed on his desk plaque. Nothing helped. The doctor came in after what felt like eternity of waiting, clipboard in hand, and sat behind his desk, watching us from over his glasses. He didn't say a word; the room was eerily quiet with just the ticking clock on the wall. I felt nervous, scared, terrified. 

He did not speak to me at first, but talked directly to my mother. I could not understand what they were talking about exactly, but I knew they were talking about me, as they mentioned my name. I could feel my mum becoming more distressed, her eyes welling in tears, yet I still could not understand why she was getting upset. "More tests", I manage to catch him say. Why more? What was wrong with me?

Ushered onto a waiting bed outside, I was wheeled down the endless corridors, my mum refusing to let go of my hand the whole time and doctors walked alongside, carrying all sorts of strange instruments. A needle was pushing into my arm painfully, and my mum squeezed my hand saying that I was going to have a little sleep, kissing my forehead. No, I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to know what was happening. I could feel my heart beating faster again, which only further increased my panic. The doctor started counting. One. Two. Three. Four. 

I never reached any further. My eyes closed and I fell to sleep, just like she had said. I did not know where they had taken me, how long it had been or what they were doing to me. I was lost in my sleep. The doctors performed all sorts of tests on me whilst I was out, with my mum frantically pacing up and down the corridor outside as an emotional wreck. 

Then the news came. They supported her frail body when they told her, her knees giving out instantly as she broke down in tears. My body was wheeled out into a private room in the adults ward with there being no room in the children section. The machine beeped my heart-rate steadily, a quite drip of water being fed into my arm. She kissed my forehead and held my hand tightly in hers, sitting beside me, watching, waiting. Her life would not be the same, and neither would mine. 

Wakened from my blackened dream, I felt calm and almost at peace. It had been the most surreal sleep I had ever experienced. I almost was sad to awake from it hours later, but I was not aware of the nightmare world I was about the find myself in. If my mum could have kissed me any harder, she would have. I felt strange, confused, what was happening? I was soon to know. The doctor came in and sat on the other side of me as my mum continued to cry silent tears, holding my hand in hers. She knew what was about to be said, and I sensed it wasn't good. What had they found? Those words he tried so carefully to say did nothing. Nothing he could say could ease the blow. The damage and pain I was about to feel would make time stop. 

"Jade, you have a heart disease..."

In that moment I thought I was someone else, living a nightmare. Why is this man saying this to me, he must have the wrong person? Even though he kept saying my name and kept talking straight to me, I still believed he had the wrong person. I don't get sick. Kids don't get sick with that kind of thing. It only happens in old people, doesn't it? Thus the seven stages began. 

Shock. I sat there blankly, stunned into silence. Even though he kept talking to me, it was as if I was hearing it over a radio. I couldn't quite tune in correctly. He wasn't really saying it, was he?

Denial. This man must be wrong. I couldn't have something wrong like that. "Mum, tell him he's wrong!", my mind screamed at her, but yet she still sat there, holding onto me, fearing as if at any second if she let go I would disappear. My head was already shaking. This was not true. It couldn't be true. It just couldn't be.  

Anger. My hands shook, not in fear. Why was this happening? I hadn't done anything! I didn't deserve this. I was a good girl. I was doing well in school. Why was I being punished like this?! I yanked my hand out of my mothers. I did not need this. This was a lie. It must be a lie! "No. No! NO!", I yelled at him. This was a trick! Some evil twisted trick!

Bargaining. Why is this happening to me? Why can't it happen to someone else!? Give it to Rebecca, that crazy girl in my class that won't stop talking! Why can't she have this and not me?! I can give you my pocket money. You can have all of it! Or what about a hand? You have my hand! Or my collection of films! You'd like them

Guilt. No? Why ... why won't you help me? Or you want me to have this? I-I don't need punishing. I get that enough from maths homework. Is it because I cheated on them? That i cheated in the test. This is payback. Well maybe I did deserve it. Or for the time that I punched Matthew in the face for breaking my ruler ... maybe I deserve it for that. I know I'm not perfect. I never was, so this is your way at getting back at me. Making me feel like I deserve it ...

Depression. Maybe I do ... after all, what's the point. Nothing is a happy ending. My dad died now I am going too. I can't go back to school, they will just laugh at me. I'm a freak now. I can't be normal. I can never be normal. I'm never going to be able to go out, or do things I want too. I'm just going to have to stay here and rot away with my emotions. Everything I have ever done in my life has lead me to this, and it is all my fault. 

Acceptance and Hope. Hope? You said that I have a heart disease. I am going to die, I know that now. You just want to keep me going. So I guess I have to say it. I am ill. I know I am going to die, and that you will try hard to make the most of my life and keep me going as long as possible, but even now when you are telling me the time, I don't want to believe you. But I will try, holding back my tears. I will try and live. 

So, let me begin this story where life, my life is coming to its end. 

 "My name is Jade Swan, and this is my story ... in the last month of my life"