Have you ever experienced what it's like to be in a car crash? I don't recommend it, but those who have, will know what I mean. The fast paced confusion of the initial first impact just happens so quickly that you don't really have time to process it, your system suddenly being shocked into action. Adrenaline soon charges through your blood stream, making you adjust to alertness, perhaps all too late. You aren't prepared for it, so naturally you adopt the shakes. No matter how hard you try to make your body stop, it just continues to shake and tremble uncontrollably. Then the tears start falling, your breathing becoming more erratic, and before you know it, you're having a panic attack. 

This is what happened to me several hours ago once the doctor's had left me and my mother had popped out for several minutes to get some fresh air. Reality hit home, and hit home hard. I was slowly dying. Every single second that slipped by was a second that I would never get back. All that time I'd wasted in the past chasing after the cute boys in school, or complaining over how long I'd have to watch to catch the next episode of my favorite TV show ... it all meant nothing now.

As much as I tried to hide my tears and emotional state of mind, I failed, and curled up in my hospital bed, bawling my eyes out, screaming out my pain in the hope it would make it go away. I knew my mum could hear my cries of anguish down the corridor, but what could she do? Yes, she could offer me words of comfort and the warmth of hugs and kisses, but they would not make me better. They would not help slow down time that was slipping away like grains of sand in a time turner. Immediately she rushed back to my side, wrapping her arms tightly around me, letting me cry into her chest like a child. She held back her tears, knowing that they would not help me, remaining strong. She rubbed my back, helping me to ease my suffering slightly. You never quite realize the power of a hug until you need one. They are the most powerful tools any single person can possess. Sharing the embrace of a friend, or loved one, even just for a few seconds, can make even the darkest days just that little bit brighter. Sharing the warmth of love between two souls, words can never quite describe the true feeling of it. No matter where you are, or how lost you become, a simple hug can bring you back home and help you forget about the world. 

I don't know how long we sat together, my mum telling me everything was going to be okay as she continued to hold me in her loving embrace, my tears stained all over her. The tears had stopped falling by now, my eyes so red and raw you could have sworn I'd been cutting a million onions. My sniffles had fallen silent as I could no long breathe through my nose with it being all bunged up. The only sound that left my lonely hospital room was the soft whispering of a mother, the ragged breathing of a terrified daughter, and the unsettling mechanic beep of a weary heart. No one passed, no one visited. It was just us two, sharing a moment of pain, trapped in a time bubble. 

The sky outside the blinds had began to turn crimson by the time we separated apart. I had cried all night, and neither of us had slept. I dreaded how many more sleepless nights my mother would have to endure because of me. I was making her suffer so much pain it made me even more upset. She cared about her daughter, and knowing that soon she will only have a son didn't bare thinking about. She wanted to treasure every moment together, every single second for what it was worth, knowing that soon it will be too late. We both sat together, my mum holding my hand as we waited for the dawn and the events the next day would reveal to us. 

A few hours later, the doctor entered, bringing me what looked like re digested, sloppy porridge to eat. Apparently it would be the only food I would be allowed as I would be going in later on that day for the operation to install a secondary heart. "This heart, although electronic, will help keep your body going and your heart rate as steady as possible. It will function alongside your existing heart, keeping you going, but unfortunately it will not be able to sustain you by itself". His voice was very monotone as he tried to explain it to me, how my second heart would work. Admittedly it did confuse me, but then as he explained it more, it began to make more sense. As our heartbeat is always changing and never constant, the second heart would help keep me functioning, even if my actually heart slowed down a little, or missed a beat.

The only side affect of this would be that it would hurt, a lot, when my actually heart would malfunction or temporarily stop. "So I'll be like a Time Lord then with two hearts?", I said to him, hoping he would understand my reference. Thankfully, he didn't pull the usual 'Huh?' expression ordinary people would do whenever you make a fandom reference. Thankfully his son watched Doctor Who, so no further explanation was needed on my part. "No, not quite", he replied, making my little success feel wasted. "Unfortunately it is not quite powerful enough to do that, so don't go planning any marathon running". He heard me sigh, already seeing me becoming more deflated, realizing how limited my life was going to become. "If it makes it any easy, think more like, erm, Iron Man. He had that reactor inside him to keep himself alive. It's kind of going to be like that", he tried saying to help me understand. My mum, who had remained silent during most of this conversation, just listening to what he had to say, turned her head a little puzzled to look at him. Yeah, my mum really doesn't understand any fandom references, ever.

"So I'm going to have a blue light sticking out of my chest?". Of course I would say that, believing what he'd said, literally. He just chuckled, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. "Not like that. It will keep your brain and important body systems functioning, like an autopilot mode. But it means that you might experience blackouts, shortage of breathe, racing pulse, possible anxiety attacks as well as chest pains when your actual heart pauses. I'm afraid it's the only thing we can offer as a way to try and ... prolong what natural time we have left". He said the last part very gently, being careful how he worded it. I knew he hadn't done it for me, but to help my mum. God only knows what's going through her head right now hearing all of this. 

After spending nearly two hours with us, talking us through every detail of what was about to happen, the time came for him to part ways with us as I was wheeled on my bed through to the operating ward. Arriving in a private room, I was handed a hospital gown and asked to change and use the bathroom before going in, as I was going to be out for several hours whilst they performed the operation to give me my second heart. I was reluctant to change out of my comfortable pajamas, but I knew that they we just following procedures. The gown was horrible to wear and reminded me of the paper towels you'd get in the toilets in school, the really horrible ones that you were forced to use instead of having nice, fluffy paper. Now that was pain. 

As I lay there, listening to the machine beeping my heartbeat with my mum holding my hand, I drifted off into some kind of zone which I'm not even sure I know how to put into words. Where time just seems to stop for you, your eyes gazing off into the distance somewhere, becoming unaware of everything happening around you as your thoughts just wander. Like butterflies floating around in your head, they drift in front of your eyes, invisible to everyone else. You watch them, as if you were watching a rose bloom, not really taking them in, but just admiring them. You didn't want to have to think, but just let those thoughts float around in front of you as time passed you by, almost like a painting. 

"Jade Swan, we are ready for you now". 

I heard them calling from afar, as if through a room made of candyfloss. My mum saying my name and gently shaking my shoulder brought me back to reality, the horrible reality of what I was about to endure. Perhaps my mum saw the terror in my face, as she quickly pulled me into another hug, planting a warm kiss on my cheek. "You don't have to do it if you don't want to lovely. It's your choice", she reassured me, although technically because I was only 17, I was still classed as a child, so my mother would have the final say. I knew she wouldn't force me to have the operation if I didn't want to. Part of me wanted the cry and scream to be taken away, far away from here, still believing it to be some kind of trick, thinking that I would just wake up and everything would be fine. The reality of the situation was simple; if I didn't have the operation, then I would have less time to live. Who knew how much longer the extra heart would give me to live; an hour? Maybe a day? Possibly a whole month? Maybe forever? 

I nodded my head. It was now or never. I laid back against the pillows of my bed, smoothing the gown around me in some last attempt to try and get comfortable. At least I will be asleep soon, I thought as the nurse came in with the needle. I could see my mums eyes already welling up in tears, having to say goodbye again. The next seven hours were going to be hell for her, and there was nothing really I could do to comfort her. I squeezed her hand in mine as the nurse gently pushed the needle into my arm. This drug, the nurse told me, was going to take a little longer for me to get knocked out by, but it would keep me under for the time required for them to do the operation. I knew the hours would drag by for them, but to me it would feel nothing more than a heartbeat. I could already feel the drug beginning to work as my limbs refused to cooperate anymore, my hand falling to my side and hanging limply as they began to wheel me through to the operating room. My mum walked beside me, telling me everything was going to be okay, and that she would be right here, beside me as soon as I woke. I smiled, feeling a warmth rush through my body as the endless corridor of light seemed to dance before me, each one burning like a sun. Before I lost track of all my senses, I had time to look up, just above the doorway into the waiting darkness of the operating room ahead, and read the following words.

All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust 

I smiled as the darkness of the room closed in around me as the doors closed, leaving the outside world and my mother behind. I felt like the young child in a fairy tale, with Peter Pan waiting in front of me, holding out his hand for me to take. The words danced in my mind as I giggled myself to sleep, much to the amusement of the waiting hospital staff around me. I didn't quite realize at the time how much those words would mean to me at that moment, lying on what could be my early death bed should things go wrong. But I knew that would not happen. I had put my faith and trust in the doctors and nurses who were now busy wiring me up to different sorts of machines as I lay in my still state. The pixie dust was the drug, sending me off into a happy place of endless sleep until I would awake what would feel a whole lifetime afterwards. That saying would never leave me, and just as the tale of Tinkerbell and Peter Pan have lived on, so have those words. Endless amounts of people have used them in their hour of need, as will I. Those words will be what keeps me going through the rough journey that lies ahead, as I will need a lot of faith and trust. But more importantly, I need something special to be my pixie dust ... or someone.

[ A / N : Hope you like this next chapter. It was a hard one to write and I hope you all like it. Don't forget to leave your comments below :) I always enjoy reading them. Thank you all xxxx ]