Zayden shoved his food around his plate without eating much.

"Zay, sweetie, is everything all right?" his mother asked.

He looked up and forced a smile. "Yeah, everything is fine, Lyssie and I just got into a little argument about something."

"I'm sure you'll work it out, you are friends after all and friends do fight."

He nodded but he wasn't as certain as his mother seemed. This wasn't a fight over what movie to see or where to go to eat or the fact either was hanging out with someone else more. It was bigger than that. So much bigger.

His father slapped him on the shoulder. "Don't look so down, you two have fought before."

"Yeah, we have but this is a lot bigger and I'm not sure it can be fixed."

"Do you want to talk about it?" his mother asked with a sympathetic smile.

He poked at his fish with his fork before he finally looked up at his mother. "Her cousin came out, I want to support her. She's my friend, but the church says it's wrong. I can't reconcile the two." He watched his mother's face scrunch in distaste.

"It's very wrong. The family should handle it. I can give you some pamphlets to give to her if you'd like. There's this wonderful camp that helps teens deal with these types of feelings, sort them out so they realize what they're feeling is wrong so they can reconcile with God. I can go fetch them right now if you'd like." She made to rise from her seat.

He shook his head. "Right thanks, Mom, but I don't think she'd accept them. Her family is very supportive, they don't see it as something that needs fixing. It isn't a choice her cousin made, it's simply how he is."

She set her utensils down very slowly and deliberately. "Zayden, I understand there aren't a lot of people who feel as we do about homosexuality, but perhaps it's time you began spending more time with some of the kids from church and cut ties with Alyssa, it might be easier to deal with them. I mean, after all, you'd have more in common."

He wanted to laugh at that. So much for attempting to broach the subject of being gay with them. They weren't going to change their views. "Alyssa is my best friend and I'm not going to ditch her because she has different views on things than I do. That's not very Christian, is it?"

His father sighed. "No, I suppose it isn't, just consider what your mother is saying. You would have more in common with the kids from church. Even if you don't spend time with them exclusively, it might be nice to talk with some people whose views align more closely with yours."

"Fine, I'll think about it, but I'm not about to drop Alyssa as my best friend. I'm not hungry and I have homework to do." He left before he did something stupid and blurted out that he didn't have a damn thing in common with the kids from church because he was gay and they'd despise him for that. He felt one hell of an urge to cry, to weep until he was exhausted from it. Once in his room, he got out everything to do his homework and sat there staring at his laptop screen blankly. He couldn't concentrate, his thoughts were too scattered and erratic. He gave a start when someone knocked on his door.

"Come in," he called out.

His mother stuck her head into the room. "You left before I could let you know that your father and I are going to the Nelson's to play some bridge. We'll be home a little later."

He nodded. "Have fun."

"Call Alyssa, maybe you two can talk it out."

"I'll think about it," he told her with a small smile.

"The leftovers are in the fridge if you decide you want something to eat."

"Thanks, Mom."

With a nod, she left.

He remained in his desk chair, his eyes on the screen of his laptop. It was some time before he realized he was crying, fat tears rolling down his cheeks making silent trails. It was then that he shoved his laptop aside and put his head down on his arms on the edge of the desk, allowing himself to openly weep for what he'd lost without ever really having it.

Alyssa said she would support him and somehow he thought Weston would too, but he'd lost that support because he'd shoved West away. Would he lose Alyssa too at some point, would she simply give up on him? His shoulders shook as he sobbed, pain clenched his heart and he knew he was going to have to make a choice. Pick his happiness or that of his parents. He wasn't certain that was a choice he could make.

With a wail, he shoved his chair back and fled his room, his mind a whirlwind of thoughts, none of them good, he ended up downstairs in the room his mother used for crafting. It took him some time to realize he was standing there with an Exacto knife in his hand, the blade poised over his wrist. He sucked in a breath and tossed the knife onto the table, staring at it. He ran a hand through his hair, turned, and went back up to his room. Killing himself wasn't the answer, even if it seemed like the perfect solution.

A choked laugh left him. "Suicide is a sin, they'd be as disappointed in you as they would if they found out that you're gay, moron!" he told himself.

It seemed as if no matter what he did, it would end with his parents being disappointed in him. So, did it matter if he told them he was gay? He was eighteen, they couldn't force him to go to that religious correction camp. Could they? If they tried where could he go? Alyssa claimed he had a place at her house, but how would her parents feel about him moving in permanently? He rubbed a hand over his face. There were so many questions and no answers he could find. This was Weston's fault, West and that damn kiss. Before that night he had been fine with hiding the fact he was gay. Okay, maybe fine wasn't the correct word, he'd been dealing with it the best he could. He saw his future very clearly, he'd make it through high school, then college, and once he was established on his own and didn't need his parents to help support him, then he could tell them he was gay.

It was the only future he had been able to see for himself, that is until West kissed him. That one kiss showed him so many possibilities. He was wasting time being unhappy. Look at West, he lived his life as he pleased and everyone else could be damned if they didn't like it. But he wasn't West, he couldn't be that brave. He laughed a little hysterically, hell he couldn't even kill himself because he feared how his parents would react.

"I'm a complete mess." He flopped down across his bed.

If he was going to tell his parents then he would need a plan in place beforehand. If he didn't have an escape plan he might end up on a bus to that damn camp before he realized it. He didn't think they were above kidnapping him if they believed they were doing God's work. They would truly think he had been corrupted and needed help. He sighed and rolled to his side, hugging his pillow. When had life become so complicated?

"It was always complicated, you just chose to ignore it," he said out loud.

He was going to have to talk to Alyssa, maybe Josh too, they'd assist if they could. Right, now he needed the courage to follow through with whatever plan he managed to come up with. Thoughts of Weston danced through his mind and he sighed. Right, he'd already lost that option. Did it matter if he came out now West was already out of his reach? He was dating Marlow.

"I really am a complete idiot."

This was going to take a lot of thought on his part. He was going to have to weigh everything carefully if he didn't well ... he wasn't sure but it could end very badly. He rolled from the bed and went back to his desk, he needed to do his homework he didn't want to give his parents yet another thing to be disappointed in. If his grades slipped he had no idea what they'd do.

***

Alyssa nudged him and he looked at her. "What?"

"I'll tell you what, you've barely said a word all night. What is wrong?"

He shrugged. "Nothing."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not an idiot. It's been a week since the party and West is out with Marlow tonight. Want to continue to deny the fact you aren't all right with that?"

He shrugged again. "Not much I can do about it, can I? It's my fault, he made a move and I pushed him away." He poked at the popcorn in the bowl he held in his lap. They were at Josh's watching movies. Josh was currently passed out, curled into a ball in the corner of the couch on the other side of Alyssa. They'd had a hard practice after school and he was wiped out.

"Does that mean you're reconsidering your stance on coming out to your parents?"

"I honestly don't know." He fell silent, eyes still on the bowl of popcorn. "I almost killed myself."

She sucked in a breath. "Zay, please, you know that isn't the answer. Call me, talk to me, I'm here for you! Always, no matter what!"

"Obviously I know it isn't the answer or I wouldn't still be here. Besides, suicide is a sin, it would be another thing for my parents to be disappointed in."

She snorted. "Right, 'cause it's always about them."

"Lyssie, come on, it isn't as if you don't consider how your parents would feel about the decisions you make!"

"Never said I don't, but unless it's something harmful, then it's my choice to make. Heck, even if it is harmful, I might do it. Like getting wasted at one of Josh's parties. They would never approve, but I do it anyway."

"Getting wasted and admitting you're gay are very different things."

"Good point, but those are both your decision to make."

"I didn't decide that I'm gay, you know that isn't how it works."

"No, it isn't, but it's your decision to live your life on your terms and not theirs." She poked him in the shoulder.

He sighed and sat back, letting his head fall against the couch. "I know, but I can't seem to take that step."

"Would it make you feel better if I was there with you when you told them?"

He shrugged. "They'll take it out on you as if it's your fault I made this decision."

"Like I care."

"I tried to see how they'd react and it blew up in my face."

"And how exactly did you do that?" she asked.

"I told them we got into an argument because your cousin came out of the closet, that I wanted to support you but the church says it's wrong. My mother offered to give me pamphlets to give you for that stupid correction camp and then they told me I should think about hanging out more with the kids from church because we'd have more in common."

"I'm sorry, Zay. I don't care if they blame me, I will be there if you need me. Besides, my cousin came out like two years ago, so it isn't as if it hasn't happened." She glanced at Josh before looking back at him. "Ya know, Josh talked to his dad about you moving in here."

Startled he looked at her. "He did? Why?"

She shrugged. "After the party, he thought maybe you might want to tell your parents and he wanted to give you a place to go if they tossed you out."

He groaned. "Oh no, did you tell him about West and the kiss?"

"Maaaybe."

"I hate you," he told her and threw a handful of popcorn at her.

"No, you don't you love me." They fell silent. She scooted closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder. "We're here, Zay, you have us and we aren't going to run away. If they can't accept it, you have a place here at Josh's, his dad is cool with it."

"Thanks. For everything." He looked beyond her and chuckled. "I'd thank Josh too but Sleeping Beauty is knocked out."

"Kiss him and maybe he'll wake up."

"No thanks, that's your job," he told her with a grin and lobbed more popcorn at her.

"Hey, stop it that one ended up in my bra!" she told him as she stuck her hand in her shirt and fished around for the lost piece of popcorn. "Asshole." She tossed the popcorn back at him.

"Eww, boobcorn!"

She burst out laughing. "Dork."

"Yup, but you love me anyway."

"I do. Now shut up and watch the movie."

Josh rolled over and muttered something about sheep and gummy bears and they both laughed.

He felt better now that he'd talked to Lyssie. It felt good to know he had her unconditional support, Josh's too. And if he did decide to tell his parents they would be there to back him up.