Tw: this chapter is quite heavy, read with caution

Flashback

Mia and I spent hours gushing and gossiping over our boyfriends. I couldn't shut up about Brian. I truly believe he was the love of my life. In my eyes he was perfect in every way. After a few hours of drunken chatter we both fell into a deep sleep on the couch, it was amazing. A brilliant sleep after a few drinks. Until a dull stabbing pain in my stoke woke me up, almost contracting pains consuming me.

Rolling over I held a pillow to my stomach, hoping the pain would fade as I tried to fall back into the same wonderful slumber. Nausea from the alcohol soon followed, i curl up into the fetal position again hoping to return to sleep.

As I fell back to sleep i hoped the pain would ease, it didn't. It woke me up again only an hour later. However it was worse, the pain vibrated through my body, my back aching, stomach cramping. It almost felt as if my insides were rejecting eachother.

Stomach acid tugged at my throat, slowly crawling up my oesophagus. Standing from my position on the sofa, the pain intensifies tenfold. A groan escapes me, pain and discomfort taking my entire body hostage. I gobble to the bathroom, internally praying it all goes away. I need it to stop. This pain, can't be compared to anything I've felt before. It's agonising, truly the most terrifying pain I've experienced. Even worse than the pain that's in my mind.

Walking into the bathroom, I lock the door behind me. Hissing in pain I lower myself infront of the toilet. Tears fill my eyes as my throat burns intensely. My eyes squeezing shut as the pain in my abdomen continues, only growing worse. I'm not sober, no where near sober enough to deal with this. I wanted Brian, I always did. I needed him to hold me, and tell me it all would be okay.

Tears spill down my cheeks, I try and take a few deep breaths. Getting upset won't help, it never does. I reminded myself. My mouth waters as I lean over the toilet. The contents of my stomach rises, burning my body as it finds its way in the toilet. The sound of my own gags make it all worse.

Never in my life had I experienced something even remotely close to this. Tears spill down my cheeks, my lungs burn with desperation. It all needs to stop. Then my eyes catch sight of something...
Blood.

Flashback over

***

"Blame you for what?" Brian questions, the confused look on his face burns an intense hole through my chest. He will always be the cut that always bleeds. I don't think i will ever heal from all of this, even if I continue to love him. I will never be able to feel guilt free around him. I will never be able to let this pain go.

"The night I left... Mia and I drank a lot." Brian's eyebrows knit together the look on his face only growing more confused. My heart pounds, agony taking shape in my chest. I gulp, terrified.

"I was pregnant Brian." The words break leaving my lips, "I miscarried that night."

My breath catches in my throat, and tears well up in my eyes. Tears I've been hiding for six long years. My secret is out. The look on Brian's face only tears the hole in my chest wider. His expression falls, he shakes his head in disbelief. His blue eyes filled with regret and sadness. That look kills me...

"I didn't know—" I struggle to get my own words out, "I'm so sorry"

Tears slip down my cheeks just as they had that night all those years ago. I can almost feel the ghost of the same pain looming over me. My chest aches, body tensing in sadness. I wait for Brian's anger to come out, for the anger he's clearly been clinging to for six years to make an appearance... but it doesn't.

Tears pool in his gorgeously blue eyes, and in seconds he pulls me into his arms. Hugging me he shakes his head, one arm wrapped around my waist and the other cradling the back of my head as he hugs me. A sob fights it's way up my throat, I try to fight it but I can't. His body, this hug. Is all I have needed. I sob into his shoulder and I can hear the pain in his voice as he says, "it was not your fault. Baby, you didn't know. I would never blame you for that."

Those words only seem to break me further with relief. I've hidden for all these years, guilt looming painfully in my chest. Only for this reaction? I have avoided, I have run for what? I thought he would blame me. I thought they would all be angry at me...

I grip his shirt, sobs escaping me as if all of my pain is making its way out in this exact moment. In his arms.

His warmth, his hugs were only some of the things I desperately missed. I bury my face in his neck, my tears wet his neck.

I thought that was the end, I was never afraid of disappearing. I ghosted them, left a life behind for my own guilt. I am a different person. I am not the same girl I was back then. I could've stayed, I could've just spoken to him. Maybe my life would be different, and I wouldn't be in this mess. My emotions heavily counter themselves, I regret leaving, but I also don't... I love being a cop.

"You could've told me. I would never have blamed you." His voice is gentle, fragile and quiet as he clings to me.