I lean against Brian, the scene almost the same as when I fell into Brian's arms when I Broke up with Theo. Guilt fills me, overflowing. My tears dry against Brian's neck, my emotions draining. Body aching with every emotion I've held back for years.

I was so scared of his reaction, for it to be as kind and loving as this. I should've known, I knew Brian. I knew he wasn't my father or Theo. He never gave me any reason to be afraid of him. I guess we assume the worst based on what we've previously experienced.

Since I was a young girl, I have been taught that love is conditional. It is based on what I do, what I bring to the table. What I have to offer. And for my father it was cleaning up after him, cooking, being the perfect daughter. And for Theo, it was sex, cleaning showing him I could be what he needed. Yet For Brian, he tried to show me unconditional love. He did show me unconditional love. But that doesn't mean I accepted it... clearly. I was so consumed with fear, with guilt... that I believed he could never love me after something like that.

He rubs my back, and after a while I finally sit up from leaning against his chest. The sorrowful look on his face enough to break my heart all over again.

"I'm so sorry." I whisper, barely able to look at him. I know, deep in my heart he doesn't hate me. But a part of me believes he does. I don't think that feeling will ever disappear. I fucking hate it, crying. Feeling like this, showing vulnerability. Being weak.

"There's nothing to be sorry for, okay? Ride or Die, remember?" A small fake smile tugs at his lips as he tries to make me feel better.

"Ride or Die." I nod, words hurting as they escape me. I wipe my tear stained cheeks staring deeply into how glossy eyes.

"You left because you thought I'd blame you.." he sighs, clearly just wanting to understand where he went wrong.

"I didn't want you to think of what could've been every time you looked at me. I didn't want to see you resent me like that... I knew how excited you were to start a family. How was I supposed to tell you I fucked it all up?" Brian shakes his head at my words.

"I would've helped you. We could've grieved together... I never would've blamed you, or hurt you. I'm not your dad, I'm not Theo." His words punch a hole through my chest.

"I know. I just panicked." I sigh, the full ache from my concussion growing worse from the tears.

"Six years Ashley. Six. I spent trying to understand why you left, if it was something I did. I went over our last conversation hundreds of times. It wasn't just me either. Letty was a mess after you left. Mia thought she fucked up. Tej tried to track you, he spent hours trying to recreate the Gods eye. We all did everything we could..." he explains the effect my absence had on the group, my eyes almost instantly well up again. I always had that voice in the back of my head. A voice telling me that no one cared, no one noticed I was gone. I was always replaceable... that was something both my dad and Theo made clear, I was replaceable. But clearly not, not to Brian, not to my family. I thought they were better off without me, maybe I was wrong.

"I should've told you... I was wrong for that. I just needed to work through it alone." Is the only response I can come up with. I'm not sure if i regret leaving, I know I regret hurting them... but creating this new life is another story entirely.

***

I walk into Kelly's apartment with a heavy heart after Brian drops me off. Every part of my body aches and is filled with emotion, anger, sadness. Normally I'd head down to Antonio's gym, but this time I can't. My whole body kills.

"Kelly?!" I call out walking into his apartment, dropping my bag near the door. I can hear his footsteps almost instantly.

"Holy shit! I'm so glad you're okay." He pulls me into a hug, strong friendly arms holding me tightly. He's a comfort with no confusion, nothing to worry about. He is my best friend. Tears well up in my eyes as I hug him back. I'm not alone. As much as it hurts, I've found a new place to be from. Breaking the hug, he examines my teary eyes, bruised and battered body.

"You okay?" He questions. But god, that fucking question breaks me all together. The end feels near as my emotions well up in my throat and I can't bare to say a word. Kelly brings me into his arms again, and a soft cry escapes me as he does.

"Come on." Kelly leads me to his couch, he sits me down caring for my injuries. He sits beside me and I put my feet across his lap as I lay back trying to fight my own emotions.

"I'm good to stay here for a while?" I question through shaky breaths.

"Of course" he nods, "why aren't you in hospital? What's going on?" He asks clearly confused.

"I self discharged. Brian dropped me here." I gulp, watching Kelly's eyes widen.

"You self discharged and Jay let you?" I almost chuckled at his disbelief, his presence almost making me feel better instantly.

"He can't stop me." I shrug.

"You spoke to Brian?" Is the next question, and I have to look up to stop the tears spilling down my cheeks.

"Yep. Everything, I told him everything. That I lost the baby..." my own words bubble in the back of my throat. Kelly's expression softens and he rubs my shin.

"How's he react? I'll go kick his ass." Kelly's reaction pulls a smile from me despite the sadness clawing at my chest.

"It's fine. He was fine. He wasn't angry... but I think that makes me feel worse." I sigh, maybe his anger would've been easier to deal with.

"That's a good thing Ash. He was worried about you, I know that much. Looked shit scared when he found out. Basically threatened Kev into letting him and his friends help." Kelly explains and my heart skips a beat.

"You met him?" Kelly nods. And we fall into a comfortable silence, kelly automatically puts our favourite show on the TV, shameless to try and lighten the mood. It works, however thoughts don't fade.