"Maybe.. I don't know, okay? So much has happened, you're back. Everything is such a mess, I just need a minute to catch my breath." I reveal sitting on the counter confused with my own answer.

"It's not a difficult question Ash. I just want to know if you're in love with him, like you were in love with me." I suck in a sharp breath at his words.

"Not like you.." I look down at my hands holding the Corona bottle, "but I'm not the same person i was back then."

I can't make a decision right now, it's more than just Brian and Jay. It's my life in chicago, my friends, my job. It's healing from all the lies I've told, it's my family, cars. It's too much to think about while my mind is scrambled.

I raise my bottle to my lips taking a few sips i again hope the alcohol will ease the pain in my heart and the rushing of my thoughts. I look up at Brian, my heart racing.

"Do you still think of me?" He asks, hand coming up to cup my cheek.

"All the time." I answer honestly, but I don't think I mean it in the way he wants me to. I loved him, and a part of me always will. But every time I think of him there's an accompanying pain.

Brian's eyes flicker with hope, his hand resting on my thigh as he slowly leans forward. I'm frozen in time as he presses his lips against mine. He kisses me, more intensely than earlier. My heart flutters, breath catching in my throat. But there it is, that guilt.

"Brian— I can't. Not now." I break the kiss, my hands ever so slightly trembling with anxiety, with guilt. Brian nods, removing his hand from my thigh.

"I'll be on the couch okay?" Brian turns to walk toward my living room and I can't help but reach out for his arm, stopping him.

"You don't have to sleep on the couch." I scoff getting up off the counter and walking toward my destroyed room. That seems like such a strange thought, letting Brian sleep on the couch... the same couch Jay and I— no stop it.

Brian follows me into my room, I step over the piles of mess Theo created. I grab a pair of shorts and a strap top before walking off into the bathroom to brush my teeth and change. When I return to the room my eyes fall on Brian, shirtless laying in my bed. A small smile curves on my lips automatically at purely just the sight of him.

Rounding my bed, I sit beside him. I pull the covers up over me, getting comfortable in bed. I lay beside Brian staring up at the ceiling. Tension in the air around us thick. My heart aches with memories as Brian breaks the silence, turning on his side to face me.

"Ashley, I want you to know and believe that loosing the baby wasn't your fault." His words tear open my chest, i turn to look at him and he adds, "I'm sorry I wasn't there."

His voice wavers as he speaks, and my heart aches grieving  a we could've lived.

"It's not your fault either, it's okay." I sigh looking back up to the ceiling as my eyes gloss over.

"It's not. Since—" Brian takes a shaky breath before continuing, "since you told me, I keep thinking about how much pain you were in, how you lost our baby alone. You weren't even in the comfort of your own home. I should've been there, holding you, looking after you..."

I sniffle at his words, I hate being this emotional. But at the moment emotion seems to be the only constant in my life.

"Come here, baby." Brian says, opening his arms and pulling me into his chest. My heart skips a beat as I automatically bury my face into his chest. His free hand tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear.

"You didn't know, I didn't tell you. You can't feel bad for not being there." I sigh, arm across his middle. I missed being in his arms, I missed his comfort. But it's not the same as it used to be, it's painful now.

"But I do, I feel bad. I knew something wasn't right. You hadn't been acting yourself for weeks. I should've known, I knew you better than you knew yourself." He is right, he did know me better. But that means nothing, it was not his fault.

"Brian stop. I was going to call you, I was. But I didn't, and that's on me." The pain in my chest grows, and his grip on me tightens as if he's in more pain than me.

"I'm so sorry Ashley." He hugs me, tight. He rubs my back and a few tears slip down my cheeks. A silence consumes us for a moment.

"Do you know how far along you were?" He asks, voice weak as he breaks the silence. I do know...

"10 weeks."

Brian had always been different, the first good relationship I ever had. He showed me a different type of love. Unconditional love. But somethings different now, his comfort, his presence it always used to bring me comfort. But now, that comfort is laced with pain. And I'm not sure I can ever get over that.