For some reason I can't stop thinking about Brian's hand in mine, the feeling of his skin. The comfort it brings me. I sigh sinking into the couch as I contemplate my life choices, what is going to happen?

I do something I haven't done in a while... I reach for my journal. I haven't opened it in years, I think i closed it when life became manageable and things improved in Chicago. Opening the journal I find a blank page and begin writing...

Hey dad, you crossed my mind today. And for the first time in years, disgust, anger and fear didn't touch me at the thought of you. Instead, I found myself wanting to smile. Not because of you, but because I survived you. I'm moving forward and no matter how bad my life gets I always know it's better than yours because I care. I still hate you, don't get me wrong. I will always hate you for the things that you did.

I spend a moment thinking about my life now before my own finds the page again.

I think I'll always grieve a life I could've lived, and the life I missed out on seeing. And I still believe it's all because of my actions that night that I lost you my love. My sweet baby, I can't help but wonder if you would've been a boy or a girl. if you would've had Brian's beautiful smile or his stunning blue eyes. I imagine what life could be like if you were still here, you'd be six now. My baby would be six, and I would be a mother. I've had so many dreams about you over the years, dreams of you and your daddy. He would've been amazing with you, he would've been the best dad. I've had dreams of you and him playing catch together, I've dreamt of Brian and I sharing our love for cars with you. I wonder if you'd like the Nissan like us, or a Dodge like your uncle? (And me before I met Brian)... I've imagined you spending time with your uncle Dom and Auntie letty. Now, as I'm writing this a part of me feels guilty for hiding you from them, you're not here, but you're still family.

No one could've prepared me for losing you, or the pain that came with it. I don't think, that even now Ive fully processed it. I don't know if your dad has told Dom about you yet, but I miss them. I miss our family.

I have another family now though, but right now I don't know if they want me. I might be forced out of it. Maybe it's karma for what I did, to you, to your father.

Tears slip down my cheeks as I lift the pen from the page. I take a deep breath closing the journal, and hiding it back where it was. Sighing i make my way to my bedroom, I can't be bother to shower and do all of that right now. I just need my bed. I need peace. Getting in bed the void in my heart is more noticeable than ever as I try to fall asleep.

****

The next morning I make my way into the bullpen, again it feels different. As if I'm not really here. Over the years this job has become my safe space, and now it seems to be changing and I have no one to blame but myself and my lies. My eyes latch onto Jay who seems to be making a Coffee in the break room.

My heart aches, he'd brought my comfort back, he always was by my side.. and he always had my back. Over the past few years he has become my constant, he's saved my life. We've been able to lean on eachother after a bad case. Since I've been in chicago, he's been my person.

Taking a deep breath I walk into the break room, toward the tall muscular brunette as he pours himself a cup of black coffee.

"Are you okay?" I ask, my heart skipping a beat as he glances at me.

"Yeah." His voice is emotionless, hiding everything. He's never been so distant, but I'm the one that's pushed him to this.

"Jay— please, I want to talk. I don't want you to keep walking around like I don't exist." I state, I care about him too much for this to be the way it all ends. I know I haven't made my decision yet, but Voight might be the one making it for me.

"What? Are you gonna finally tell me the truth? All of it?"

He deserves it, he deserves to know everything after all he's done for me. I owe him at least that.

"If that's what it takes for you to understand." I say, voice straining with unspoken emotion.

"Mollys, after shift?" He questions, eyes softening. I nod, it's time. I have to lay it all out on the table.

***

Evidence is now building up, we're so close. And I am desperate for this case to be over with. However, I am not desperate to hear voights decision on me. We only need one strong tie to take Lopez down, and then that's it. We save the girls.

I watch from the passenger seat as Brian drives my Skyline, it reminds me so vividly of his old "stare and drive" trick. Memories of him in this car flash before me as we drive to meet Lopez.

Smuggling something out of chicago is the goal tonight, I'm not sure what it is exactly that we're smuggling. But it's probably another test.

Looking down at my phone I catch sight of a text from Kelly 'Good luck. Make good decisions with Brian and remember Jay.'

I nod to myself, Jay is listening. And something about that makes me feel safe despite our weird dynamic at the moment. Maybe it's the way he's always promised to protect me, I'm not sure. I just know I'll always trust him.